FACEBOOK: To Friend Her or Not to Friend Her (That is The Question)

[Harry Wilmington]

Hey all:

So, a few months ago JohnnyStorm posted a discussion on here called "Facebook and Maintaining Mystery" where he asked how one would be able to be a DJ yet still maintain mystery when using the site.

There were several responses to the post, with the majority of them leaning towards not having a Facebook account altogether. My response was the following:

How about just not being FB friends with anyone you're dating? That's what I do - I set my profile to where only people who I'm FB friends with can see my stuff.

And here comes the next question I'm sure is in your head right now: "But what if the girl asks you why you haven't added her on FB yet??"

First, it has yet to come up. However, part of the reason for that is because I slyly bring things up like this during the first few dates - I'll makes sure FB gets brought up in conversation, then go into some story about how a friend of mine had a relationship go sour due to FB, so I make it a point not to add people on that I'm dating so I won't have to go through with the same BS. And guess what? It works - the girl agrees with my story, and she never brings it up.

On the off chance that she DID bring it up, though, I'd just tell her that I feel like just because we're in a relationship doesn't mean I need to know every single thing about her and vice-versa, and that neither of us need to be creating misunderstandings with each other as a result of something silly we posted and read on each other's walls.

Bottom line: I control the frame of the FB situation, NOT her, and if she don't like it, she's structured and can kick rocks!

Well, it recently came up: a girl that I've been seeing for quite some time now sent me a friend's request on Facebook. I didn't respond to it right away, and when I saw her later that night she asked if I had seen her request, to which I replied: "Oh yeah, I saw it... yeah, so I don't tend to become facebook friends with girls I'm dating..."

That, of course, let to a discussion about why I wouldn't add her. And, like I said I would do on here, I told her exactly what I said I would tell a girl asking me this question: that I don't feel like both of us need to always know what the other one is doing. In addition, I also told her that I liked not being able to read up on what she's doing via facebook because it gives me something to ask her about, as opposed to me seeing it on facebook and limiting our conversation when we get together.

At one point, she tried to throw what I call "standard girl guilt-trip tactics" at me. First she asked if it meant I was trying to hide something from her; then she asked why I wouldn't want to be Facebook friends with the person I'm supposedly trying to get closest to; and then, she pointed out the fact that I had other close friends of mine as FB friends, so why not add her as well. Not gonna lie, they were pretty good tactics, and in my AFC days I would have probably said "yeah, you're right, okay..." and added her right then.

So, did I cave? Of course not!

Instead, I just turned it around on her. I simply told her that the majority of "friends" I have on facebook are just so I have people to advertise various things to (i.e. my music, videos, stuff I'm selling on other websites, etc.) and that I didn't need to add her on there because, as someone who is the closest to me, I share more of myself with her than anyone I know on Facebook. I also told her that I liked when we're lying in bed together and she's showing me her FB pics and stuff via her phone or laptop, something we wouldn't be doing were I able to have access to her FB page all the time because I would have already seen it.
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Now, I know for some of you newbies on here, turning a girl's FB invite down is unheard of. Unspeakable, even. But I fundamentally don't believe allowing a girl you're dating to have access to your FB page is a good idea, especially if you're just meeting her and she doesn't have a complete idea yet of the kind of person you are (i.e. having enough time in to where, if she sees an objectionable FB pic of you, it won't cause her to lose interest in you right away).

You're also probably wondering what her reaction to my rejecting of her invite was. Well... here's another lesson to learn: even if a girl doesn't agree with what you're doing, if you're able to do it respectfully, while at the same time staying true to your opinion, you can get away with just about anything. In this case, her reaction was to cuddle back up to me and f--k my brains out 2 more times that night. Soooooooo.... I guess she wasn't too mad about it, LoL.

But hey, I'm 30, so maybe my way of thinking about this doesn't apply to the new school ways of thinking about it. So, I ask: when it comes to FB, do you think you should friend a girl you're dating or not? Why or why not?

 

[TheWolfMan]

I did the same thing to a girl I was talking too, she sent a friend request but I waited a long time before accepting and it drove her nuts. I didn't really provide an excuse as to why i waited either, anyway it definitely helps to keep up the "mystery factor". I feel like guys should either wait a long time to accept, i mean if youve been talking for a while then fine. Or like people have suggested don't friend any of the girls you're dating, I see this working well because FB destroys a lot of relationships.

 

[JohnnyStorm]

I'm a month with no FB now.
It's been alright tbh, it really hit home when my *****y work colleague made a comment how he didn't know where I am any more... too many disturbing stalkers with agendas tbh.
The only thing is, its still a useful site for event info like gig times & group invites.
But the mystery factor through being able to say that you don't have Fb is immense.

 

[incognito42]

To me you come off sounding really deceptive and I wouldn't call her response a "standard girl guilt trip", I'd expect her to ask those exact questions. Seems you're going through a lot of trouble and coming up with elaborate explanations for not wanting to do something that's pretty insignificant. If it was me I'd assume you're trying to hide something too

Why not just say "I don't like facebook and don't use it". Thats how I handle it. I tell them I have one but rarely use it, which is true

Aside from that if you're a guy and over the age of 21 I don't see the purpose of going on facebook on a regular basis anyways. Unless you're trying to get laid. Idk that's just me.

 

[NobodyCares1]

Lol, I've added all the girls I've gamed on FB, texted them there and I can tell you it had no bad effect on her attraction. My sh!tty text game is another thing, but the fact that I added her on FB had no influence on her attraction.

Stop overthinking sh!t...

 

[VladPatton]

I don't do the Facebook thing with girls either. I don't use my real name on FB, and all my photos and posts are mere stupidities from the internet for my real friends to laugh at, read, comment on, etc. To me FB is a joke and I treat it just any other website.

The reason these lil biznitches want your FB is to creep on you and try to find śhit about you without you knowing it. Hell, if I know her full name I do it too.
If you put up your panties on a backyard line I'm gonna take a gander.

I do it like Harry and actuallyhave something to talk about when I see her. She wants to know something, she can work it in the convo and ask.

So many girls are all about Twitter and Facebook these days, it's appalling and outta fųcking control! Here in NYC most of them are on their phones in public tapping away. Good luck approaching!

 

[sigma335]

i only go on facebook to play zynga poker when i'm bored or to look at party invites i get thru it. had a girl i was dating send me a friend invite and the next day her IL dropped. was kinda glad because she wasn't all that but definitely won't forget that and won't add girls i'm not in a long term relationship with.

 

[dap]

You could put her on your "limited profile" list so she doesn't really see much of anything but you guys would still technically be friends. She probably wouldn't notice, it would just look like ur not active on Facebook. If it ever came up (doubtful) you could just tell her that that's where you put people you are still getting to know.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

You could put her on your "limited profile" list so she doesn't really see much of anything but you guys would still technically be friends. She probably wouldn't notice, it would just look like ur not active on Facebook. If it ever came up (doubtful) you could just tell her that that's where you put people you are still getting to know.

Nah, that wouldn't work in this case - like I said in the OP, I've been seeing this girl for a while, so she'd know I limited it. Plus, I'm on Facebook a LOT. I'd just rather not have her on there as a friend. But like I said, I'm not looking to do things that are to her liking all the time, especially if I don't agree to it or feel like it would be helpful in any way to the relationship.

At times, dating a woman is almost like dealing with a child, in that you have to set certain rules and boundaries up that are for their own good, even if they don't think it is. So, while she may not like the fact that I haven't added her, she is respectful of the fact that I'm doing it for what I feel is the good of the relationship, which is why she hasn't fought me on the issue since that night. Back in the day I didn't know how to set boundaries, or feared that the girl would stop seeing me if I did so. Then I realized that girls actually PREFERRED dating guys who DID set boundaries, even if those boundaries seemed ridiculous - at least they could respect the guy for putting his food down on something and drawing lines on what they would and would not allow.

 

[Vantagepoint34]

Successful people don't have Facebook.

 

[VladPatton]

"I didn't know how to set boundaries, or feared that the girl would stop seeing me if I did so. "

--Exactly. It's like you don't wanna cause absolutely ANY bad ripples so you can guarantee her ever elevating interest in you. Where in reality, she had no interest in ever banging you from the moment she met you.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

No woman cares about "mystery" if you're good looking. Just food for thought. Think about why.

 

[muscleman]

Of course you could come up with tactics to not add a girl you're dating on Facebook, but it's so much 'work'. You have to feed her some BS about why you won't do it, which is akin to giving her your email address but not your phone number (that's how they see it anyway). You also assume she won't see it anyway. There's a good chance if you have many friends/acquaintances you have some mutual people you know. So she'll just approach one of them, have them log onto their profile, and stalk you by proxy. Not to mention the constant tension you'll have to deal with because you won't give her this thing that's so integral to a girl.

Here's a better way, one which applies to ALL people you friend on Facebook: craft your profile in a way that maintains mystery.

It's that simple.

Then you won't have to deal with all of is.

You have full control over privacy settings, which photos you put up, requiring approval before anyone tags you in anything, and so on. You can make your page look EXACTLY how you want it to, no more, no less.

I've been on FB for about 7 years now. I still only have ~100 photos, I don't post stupid stuff on my wall, I don't list where I work, and when someone asks me something I don't want to reveal to the whole world, I deny & amplify. For example, an orbiter girl posted on my wall the other day 'so where do you work' and I said 'wherever there's $'. Of course I do bartend and promote what nights I'm working on my page, but that's just one of my jobs.

You can keep as much 'mystery' about yourself without being antisocial. If you're going to be so weird about adding people on FB, why do you even have one?

 

[Harry Wilmington]

WOW, a lot of assumptions being made here. One at a time...

Of course you could come up with tactics to not add a girl you're dating on Facebook, but it's so much 'work'. You have to feed her some BS about why you won't do it, which is akin to giving her your email address but not your phone number (that's how they see it anyway).

For one, the difference is that, as a man, even if she doesn't like what I'm saying or doing, she can respect it and go with the program since it's an example of me not catering to her. Again, I'm at the point in my life where if a girl doesn't agree with how I do things she can find someone else instead and vice-versa. If I choose not to allow her to see my FB page, that's up to me. As for what I told her, it's not a BS excuse - I genuinely do NOT want to see what she's posting on her page because I want there to be stuff I don't know that she can tell me about in person as opposed to me already knowing about it via an FB post.

You also assume she won't see it anyway. There's a good chance if you have many friends/acquaintances you have some mutual people you know. So she'll just approach one of them, have them log onto their profile, and stalk you by proxy.

We actually do not have the same circle of friends, so that part isn't a problem. However, my FB page is pretty open, and I've shown it to her when she's been over at my place. Because of this, there's no need for us to be friends on FB. Her page isn't open to where I can see everything, and I prefer it that way. I've dated girls who want to try and tag the "In a Relationship" status on the page, or who try and do those status updates where they imply being mad at me without saying my name, and personally I don't care to see or read either of those things. I choose not to want to see her profile, and I choose not to share certain things with her from my page, and that's my right.

Not to mention the constant tension you'll have to deal with because you won't give her this thing that's so integral to a girl.

Once again, I'm not here to do every single thing that will please a girl, especially if I don't feel there would be a benefit to it. FB wasn't around 10 years ago, so to say it's suddenly a thing that ALL girls have integrated into their lives is BS. I know girls younger than me who do NOT have FB profiles and get along just fine. I also know girls and guys who have made their significant other an FB friend, and my news feed is flooded with back and fourths when they argue with each other. Not gonna happen to me, maaaan!

You can keep as much 'mystery' about yourself without being antisocial. If you're going to be so weird about adding people on FB, why do you even have one?

As I said in the FB, I use it mostly for advertising purposes. When I'm not on here I do a slew of music stuff, YouTube videos, eBooks, etc. and use FB to post up links to when I do this stuff. I also have college friends from back in the day who I only communicate with via FB.

As I told this girl, I have a more personal relationship with her than most of the people I'm "friends" with on FB for the simple fact that she lives near me and I can see her on a regular basis. Because of this, I'm closer to her than almost anyone I know on FB, including my cousins and other family that live on the east coast. And I'm not going to screw that up by posting up some picture or FB status that could get taken out of context.

The bottom line is, I don't feel being an FB friend with someone you're trying to date is something that helps grow the relationship. Much in the same way that I believe texting KILLS relationships, I believe facebook communication should also be limited with a person you're growing close to. Now, if she were my fiance/wife/life partner I could see adding her, but during the dating stage you don't know if they're going to be around for the long haul. That's actually another reason I don't think it's good to add someone you're dating - if it doesn't work out, you have to go through that whole awkwardness of de-friending them and hearing about it, something you don't have to deal with if you never added them in the first place

 

[dap]

I agree that the easy answer is to maintain a profile that is consistent with the mystery you are trying to preserve. Mystery is attractive not just for your plates or girl friend, bit also other girls and guys a like. Give them just enough to want more. Launching into a whole "we can't be friends because..." tirade seems like a pain in the åss and unnecessary.

PS: although I usually agree with everything HW says, I think he missed the mark here.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

@dap That's cool, we can agree to disagree. The stuff I post here is what I find has worked best for me and my particular situations. As for the "tirade," it was no pain in the @ss for me because I don't mind having these kinds of conversations with a woman. Before, I would be too afraid of their response and allow their responses to sway my opinions or actions, which would still chase them away. Now, I tell them things like "I'm probably not going to text you or call you that much" and "I don't make friends on FB with girls I'm dating," and they stick around. Don't really know or care why, but hey - can't argue with results!

 

[Trump]

If you can't add your girlfriend because you are afraid of what you might see, or not have enough to talk about when you are together, doesn't that means you lack confidence?

You could always read more books to have more stuff to talk about. You could always not look at her page if you don't like she may be with another guy. Or you could always improve yourself so more girls come to you on facebook so you won't care what you see on her page.

I don't bro, not adding her means "the market may love you and I may not be able to handle it so I will disconnect."

But that's me.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

@ Trump: In answer to your questions:

1. It's not about being afraid of what I might see. It's about not wanting miscommunications about things and not needing to know everything going on with her. Part of it is showing trust - I trust her enough to not have to see everything going on with her when I'm not around, including the things she or other people may be posting on her FB page.

2. It's also not about a lack of confidence, it's the realities that can arise when you either see the person you're dating everyday or are in constant contact with them. Real talk: one of my girl "friends" just came in and stopped seeing a guy because she's already bored with him. They met last week, went out for 9 days straight, and now she's tired of looking at his sorry behind. Being privy to someone at all hours of the day - whether it's through dates or FB contact - naturally leads to a drain in having things to talk about. I'd much rather have her TELL me about her day in PERSON than read about it on FB and not have that stuff to talk about when I'm with her.

3. I'm already confident in who I am, and while I am always one to look at other ways to improve myself, at this point I don't feel like I need to do that in the area of attracting and/or keeping girls around since I'm damn good at it. However, I'm always reading different books, ranging from the occasional fiction to books on how to learn various new skills, start businesses, earn money, and relationship books. Combined, I always have subject ready to talk about should a conversation need a boost, but I find girls usually want to talk about themselves and/or things they have going on. The real skill is knowing how to expand on the things girls WANT to talk about, while at the same time making the stuff YOU want to talk about sound interesting.

4. As I spun it to her, not adding her means "I'd rather have a personal relationship with YOU in person and be even MORE open than I am with others on Facebook." It's all in how you phrase it.

But that's me.

 

[Plutoman]

I lean towards not adding on facebook. I see it as a similar issue to texting; when you communicate via texting, and share stories, it lessens the impact of one-on-one time. It also dramatically complicates breaking loose when needed, if anything goes sour for one reason or another.

However, I would presume I would be fine with it after being together for a significant period of time.

With this in mind, I do not use facebook much regardless. I see little value in it, though I have been considering working on it in some form or another to build more of a social circle.

 

[Trump]

@Harry

That's fine, I see your points and you probably right as you have much more experience than me, just believed not adding just meant avoiding the issue and changing the subject.

As for miscommunications about things, its due to her lack of respect. She knows she is with you, she shouldn't be posting a picture with of a 6'3 football player on a boat, unless its for her ego or to get a reaction out of you,

I don't add my employees on Facebook, but my girlfriend? If she was hot, I would be all over it.