F**k the ladder- take the elevator: a journal

[Gripped]

I'm not ****ing around on this one- I shall give great detail for my circumstances and the excuses as to my troubles so if you are generous enough to help me I will help you do that.

The Situation

Me

- I have been labelled charismatic but only on occasion when I truly come out and reveal myself and with people I am comfortable with.
- I have moments of authenticity.
- I can be kind when I'm not self-absorbed.
- I'm certainly no Brad Pitt but I don't see looks as a limiting factor.
- I'm lonely (I'll explain more later)
- I'm needy- I'm a funny guy but the wrong type unfortunately. I get off on the approval of jokes.
- Perhaps the most unhealthy thing about me is that when the going gets tough I almost sadistically chastise myself.

Family

- I am now an only child after my brother left home.
- I don't share my feelings with parents often- for good reason I feel.
- I live in a big house.
- My dad is often emasculated by my mum. He treats her like a princess.
- My parents too have low self-esteem- my mum will not admit she is wrong. ever.
- There is a lack of respect when I am being spoken to. As if I cannot handle responsibility.
- When I speak to my dad he will cut me off and drop the conversation as soon as my mother calls him.
- My brother and I have fun but are not vulnerable to one another.

Social and Girls

- I feel like a loser.
- I feel inferior to these confident "lads".
- My social circle has few girls and those on linked ones I would not consider dating.
- I am friendly with a few of the popular guys and I've some respect.
- I like a lot of them genuinely but bridging the gap between acquaintances and friends I am finding nigh on impossible which I find a shame and shaming.
- I am easily physically intimidated due to my skinny stature.
- Here's the kicker- I go to an all boys school in a different town. I failed to keep connections in my current town so am isolated in the evening. This is I believe what lead to depression which in turn lead me to this.
- In the right mood I am aware that I possess the charisma and creativity to game chicks and make friends but as with most it's finding that mood where the trouble comes.


GOALS

I have three main goals:

Academic - Achieve at least an A in all three subjects
Social - Become established in my school town (essentially enter the social scene and be invited to parties so I can meet new people and have fun)
Physical - Be confident in self-defense
Other - Find a passion (cheesy- yes)

So I will write in this journal as often as I can to state my progress.

If anyone will be kind enough to make any comments that will help me, thank you in advance.

Gripped.

 

[BPH]

I thought you already had a journal?

 

[AlexLefty]

I thought you already had a journal?

^this

 

[Gripped]

^this

The journal was doomed from the start so I've decided to start a completely new one and leave it. I'll be using this as a chance for more serious in depth personal reflection.

 

[LearningSlowly]

Yeah, whatever. New thread, why not?

First step is to tackle this depression. You need to walk around and see new things and smile at them. See new things. That is the most important part.

 

[Gripped]

Yeah, whatever. New thread, why not?

First step is to tackle this depression. You need to walk around and see new things and smile at them. See new things. That is the most important part.

Yeah man I get your point. I tend to have a lot of fun- more so then most it would appear however I'm not going to solve this depression unless I gain friendships where I live- its a sense of loneliness and isolation that gets me.

 

[Gripped]

04/12/12

I had a sobering conversation with Lefty about my "oneitis" which made me laugh a lot- and I got to say that was the most influential thing of the day. Didn't do much work though so I'm not feeling great about myself with all this coursework. I was reflecting about this whole thing and I thought well I've grown hugely internally but my life outside has not really changed and I think that's the handy work of procrastination. Maybe it would be better to go out and start doing stuff rather than sitting around thinking of stuff to do. So I've decided to join some sort of club in my home town. I don't know ANY girls directly so I'll choose something where my interest will be shared with both sexes. That is pretty much it for today. Oh yeah; I didn't spank that monkey.

Side note: I've been thinking about how sometimes I feel like a pro (maybe once a week) where I don't think about ****- I just do and it works. I've looked into it and found the idea of a "Peak Experience". It's very interesting and it introduced me to the idea of Self-Actualizing. I have no desire to follow the mantra of a particular "guru" but I do think its interesting that the "Self Actualized", "High Self-Esteemed" and "Alpha Male" possess the same traits. There is a consistent goal in mind.

PS- My neighbor is my age and hot. I might attempt to get to know her, I'll see.

 

[gringoverde]

Gripped, thanks for sharing your journal and wishing you the best with getting out of your funk. One of the best ways to get out of this is to move that discovering a passion to the top of the list. A passion is going to give you the drive to get the other details sorted. I like that you're already looking for a club where you can co-mingle. I signed up for dance classes a year ago, but I wouldn't recommend it for just anyone. It was a lot of hard work and embarrassment for me. Maybe try psychology as a passion and see if there are some student clubs related to it?

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Some words of encouragement. I have a friend who lives in a town apart from where he goes to school. It works in his favor, it could work in yours. People believe he is high value, because his absence creates mystery and longing. It works because he's a charismatic, genuine guy.

I recommend, to help you feel better as well as be more sincere, look for the positives on life. In everything. Just today my natural friend Jesse said; "don't look as losing your phone as bad because you lost all those contacts, look at it as good because now you have two phone chargers." Then I looked at the other positives. Newer phone, better calibration. Never been dropped, scratched or wet.

I lost some numbers? Life is all about loss. There is decay to growth, without failure to auvces things would grow unhindered, monstrous and destructive. You will feel bad before good, before greater good. Acceptance is a virtue which is ultimately important, along with sincerity and confidence. It's less obvious and I guess that's why people don't talk about it so much. But for someone without much experience, feeling down, I think it would be key to fostering improvement.

 

[LearningSlowly]

Life is all about loss. There is decay to growth, without failure to auvces things would grow unhindered, monstrous and destructive. You will feel bad before good, before greater good. Acceptance is a virtue which is ultimately important.

For a meathead, sometimes Jaedon has some brilliant poetic thoughts. You need to learn to accept your unhappiness before you can be happy.

 

[Gripped]

Well i've been busy the last few days - left my coursework until last minute again. And we got a puppy this weekend so I've been literally knee deep in shiit

Here we go-

Weekend 9/12/2012

Got a puppy- spent the whole weekend minding her however the amount of work I did is abysmal, even for the amount of time I had free. Tonight I am going to complete a past paper. On the social front I have a lot of acquaintances- a lot. I'm on speaking terms with 70% of the year. Problem is that I find it unbelievably hard to bridge that gap between acquaintance and friend especially when I feel almost unworthy of friendship. But anyway I haven't been to the gym this month so I'll go tomorrow or at least work my weights at home.

Side note: Do you feel cool?

 

[Gripped]

Gripped, thanks for sharing your journal and wishing you the best with getting out of your funk. One of the best ways to get out of this is to move that discovering a passion to the top of the list. A passion is going to give you the drive to get the other details sorted. I like that you're already looking for a club where you can co-mingle. I signed up for dance classes a year ago, but I wouldn't recommend it for just anyone. It was a lot of hard work and embarrassment for me. Maybe try psychology as a passion and see if there are some student clubs related to it?

Great idea to mix the passion with the hobby.
You're right man, I gotta move it to the top. It should be my passion that drives my social life etc. not the other way round.
Thing is though everything I am interested in - film, politics, psychology aren't really club material. Thanks for the support I'm setting a target to find a club which I will enjoy with people may age in that ideally improves my physical stature (not necessarily needed) before Sunday.

 

[Gripped]

Some words of encouragement. I have a friend who lives in a town apart from where he goes to school. It works in his favor, it could work in yours. People believe he is high value, because his absence creates mystery and longing. It works because he's a charismatic, genuine guy.

I recommend, to help you feel better as well as be more sincere, look for the positives on life. In everything. Just today my natural friend Jesse said; "don't look as losing your phone as bad because you lost all those contacts, look at it as good because now you have two phone chargers." Then I looked at the other positives. Newer phone, better calibration. Never been dropped, scratched or wet.

I lost some numbers? Life is all about loss. There is decay to growth, without failure to auvces things would grow unhindered, monstrous and destructive. You will feel bad before good, before greater good. Acceptance is a virtue which is ultimately important, along with sincerity and confidence. It's less obvious and I guess that's why people don't talk about it so much. But for someone without much experience, feeling down, I think it would be key to fostering improvement.

Wise words. I was badly depressed for 5 months over the winter and I am happier now. That's not to say I am happy. There is still a numbness over me. A numbness I've had for years but failed to recognise it until last Christmas which is partly why I've developed such an obsession for a girl I never talk to.

 

[gringoverde]

Politics isn't club material? Not sure about Britland, but here in the States many high schools have student groups relating to liberal or conservative politics. I'm sure that a social studies teacher would be happy to help you set something up. Film is generally a little harder to interest the younger crowd. If there was an international students club, you could suggest having world cinema nights. The fact is that if it doesn't exist you have the opportunity to build it.

 

[Gripped]

So here I am a week later. Do I feel changed and empowered no is the answer. I did yesterday but delusions of grandeur seldom last long.

Anyway last Friday was interesting, I learned a lot about myself-

So I planned on getting high and well, succeeded. We went round to a mates house got completely blipped and then an old mate of mine who never really liked me (Because I was a ****head) rang up the friends who I was getting high with. This old mate is a really funny guy- incredibly charismatic, he's very polarizing and a lot hate him because he just loses it and goes insane sometimes (not angrily) but I am jealous of his extrovert qualities and his authenticity. He gets word of a party in the main town area; against my personal reservations, we went. I ended up crashing this party with my mates and saw some school friends there as well as a few of the let's say "cooler" guys. I always thought if I got the chance, just got the chance, that I would make friends and be a player. But really I became a wallflower. I was not the social butterfly I expected. I think it's all that pain from before and that I associate with these people I know. I guess I've gone back a little in self-estimation however forward in self-awareness.

The silver lining- I know to work more on my communication, I've repaired my friendship with an old mate.

good news- I'm academically working better (Got an A in my last Maths paper) and fapping minimally.

Bad news- I've not been to the gym in ages. I shall go after Christmas

I may be being dramatic however I'm feeling my position in life is immovable, socially I mean. One day the bug will bite me again and I will have fire in my stomach and power in my hands but December 19th is not that day.

 

[Gripped]

So here I am a week later. Do I feel changed and empowered no is the answer. I did yesterday but delusions of grandeur seldom last long.

Anyway last Friday was interesting, I learned a lot about myself-

So I planned on getting high and well, succeeded. We went round to a mates house got completely blipped and then an old mate of mine who never really liked me (Because I was a ****head) rang up the friends who I was getting high with. This old mate is a really funny guy- incredibly charismatic, he's very polarizing and a lot hate him because he just loses it and goes insane sometimes (not angrily) but I am jealous of his extrovert qualities and his authenticity. He gets word of a party in the main town area; against my personal reservations, we went. I ended up crashing this party with my mates and saw some school friends there as well as a few of the let's say "cooler" guys. I always thought if I got the chance, just got the chance, that I would make friends and be a player. But really I became a wallflower. I was not the social butterfly I expected. I think it's all that pain from before and that I associate with these people I know. I guess I've gone back a little in self-estimation however forward in self-awareness.

The silver lining- I know to work more on my communication, I've repaired my friendship with an old mate.

good news- I'm academically working better (Got an A in my last Maths paper) and fapping minimally.

Bad news- I've not been to the gym in ages. I shall go after Christmas

I may be being dramatic however I'm feeling my position in life is immovable, socially I mean. One day the bug will bite me again and I will have fire in my stomach and power in my hands but December 19th is not that day.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Don't be silly. It's your self awareness is completely and absolutely false. Why can you not be a butterfly? Your emotions stop you. Who controls your emotions, ultimately and conpletely? You. Feel another why. Your self estimation was correct, but far short. Choose not to feel sorry for the past, you cannot change it, then you will begin to improve. No delusions of grandeur. Just a change of persepective. when you realize what is possible, when you accept the past has been, when you accept the only thing you can control completely is how you FEEL NOW.

 

[Gripped]

Don't be silly. It's your self awareness is completely and absolutely false. Why can you not be a butterfly? Your emotions stop you. Who controls your emotions, ultimately and conpletely? You. Feel another why. Your self estimation was correct, but far short. Choose not to feel sorry for the past, you cannot change it, then you will begin to improve. No delusions of grandeur. Just a change of persepective. when you realize what is possible, when you accept the past has been, when you accept the only thing you can control completely is how you FEEL NOW.

So i'm lying in bed last night and I caught a moment of clarity, I've lost it for now but someone wise once told me it only takes a moment to change a life. It echoed what you say. I complain about my position and how **** my life is, all of us will have done. Maybe that's why these forums flourish, a need to be heard in the first place. I complain and expect to be saved because really I don't know anything else, you see I've always been saved. Whether it be my parents or my teachers or my friends someone has always jumped in to save me. "Alphaness" is not directly influenced by testosterone but rather driven by thought processes. Really my pain runs deeper than what anyone else can solve; it's on me.

No one is coming.

 

[LearningSlowly]

To pair with Jaedon's good advice:

In the past, you had plans of impressing new friends, and proving yourself. These were plans in your head, and distracted you from living your life.

Before the party, you were thinking to the future, imagining the party, replaying the same mental movie of everyone giving you approval (which you don't really need!)

When you got to the party, your ego (in other words, your mind, the running stream of words in your head) was afraid of being diminished by not getting approval, and so your ego became your worst enemy. Soon your ego decided that it WAS diminished, and it was not getting approval. From there you began to experience pain, and you had no hope of recovering.

After the party, as an aftershock from the pain, you read Jack Wealthy's post (which came from a place of presence, and existence in the moment) and it sparked an awakening within you. Pain is always necessary as a reference point from which true awakening can develop.

Decide you have had enough pain. Live in the moment, burn the ego (and incessant mental word streams) with fire. Cut through the illusion by being utterly selfless.

This same advice can apply to every unhappy social experience. As you gain practice in social settings, your ego will trust more that you can handle yourself, and you will not be so afraid. It is far better, however, to do away with the ego all together.

 

[gringoverde]

Wishing you the best with your journey, I know that it can be challenging to change, but it is definitely worth it. Last night (New Year's Eve) I was reflecting on where my life was a year ago. I've made some amazing transformation and created a great deal of forward momentum. That would've happened if I hadn't started taking the small steps like going out with my friends more frequently and signing up for class/activities that I enjoy. The great thing about starting down a new path is that you don't have to continue down it if you don't like what you see. You get more information and then you have another opportunity to re-evaluate. If I had it to do over again, I'd definitely reach out more to coaches and mentor to hold me more accountable in my transformation.