F*cked up, and what to do.

[TheNew007]

Looking for some advice from someone's thats been there, if anyone's got any I'd appreciate it. I'm new here, be gentle...

Quick backfill: I'm 40 years old, I got engaged at 19 & married at 23 (yeah I know). I separated last spring after 17 years of marriage, it was over in 2001 but I hung on in there for the sake of my lad. Divorced finally this June.

Plan was to give myself till the new year before even thinking about dating, scares the crap out of me to be honest, given what I've seen, heard & read. Last time I dated was 1984, & even then I never got "involved", too much hassle. I got more emotional when my team lost than over some girl.

Fast forward to this June, I thought I'd give this speed dating thing a look, just out of curiosity. Sod's law being what it is, I met someone. An attractive, intelligent woman I liked, and wanted to keep around. Nice. We dated for maybe a month, she ended it. No biggie so far. When the text came through, I was more annoyed she hadnt told me in person, but hey, she owed me nothing. In fact, I remember thinking she'd done me a favour, work at the time was running me ragged.

Then it all got f*cked. I'd got dumped, signed my divorce papers, lost my job & my best friend to a heart attack, all within 72 hours. You can probably guess where all this is going. I had no-one to talk to, & I got messed up real quick. So, I start emailing her, which naturally she ignored, I'm all needy & overemotional, although I tell her nothing about what's really happened to me, I barfed all over the place but at the same time knew we hadn't spent long enough together to warrant her giving a sh*t about my real 'problems'. I'm talking maybe six emails top, I never rang her, went to her house or any daft s*it like that. I at least restrained myself from doing that.

Having got some distance since, its like remembering something someone else did.

Questions:

a) I've f*cked up. I feel bad, not for that, but for not giving a better account of myself, instead I picked up the shovel & kept on digging my hole. I've ditched all her info, but I remember her email address. Can I unf*ck this, not to get back with her, but to apologise. I dont really have the words for this, why the f*ck I should have to apologise I dont know, & why should I care what she thinks, but there you go, I do care.

b) I'm working on me for a while now, but how long should I wait before dating again. Is six months long enough, and how will I know when I'm ready?

c) Is it as bad out there with women as it seems to be? I dont know if its worth the aggrevation. Maybe I should get a cracking career going & get a maid for the kitchen & a wh*re for the bedroom?

Cheers.

 

[joekerr31]

dont bother emailing her unless your lives will be crossing paths in the future and you want to damage control your relationship down the road.

but if you aren't going to be bumping int ot her regularly in the future, just move on. after your behavior shes not going to care one way or another what you have to say. she's busy sucking some other guys knob now.

as for dating, dont be afraid fo it. you gotta treat it like a rollercoaster. a lot of people get on a rollercoast and sh*t their pants and go around telling everyone "DO NOT get on that ride". but not going on a ride because someone else said not to is stupid. get on the ride and see how you like it. who knows you might enjoy it.

dating is only as painful as you make it. if you can't handle rejection, its painful. if you can't walk away from chics that are dysfunctional, its painful. if you can't be 'single' and need a woman, its painful.

but if you see women as merely one facet of life, and if you filter them based on whether they enhance your happiness or detract from it, then dating can be kind of fun. its like buying a new car and test driving all the various models until you find the one you like.

i dont know if you have the care free attitude that you shoudl have when dating. if you take it too seriously it gets painful. if you just have a good time and keep your eyes open for signs that your dealing with a messed up woman, then every now and then youll have a really enjoyable date.

not dating because it might be painful is stupid. that's like not eating becuase you might get diarhea.

 

[jonwon]

Looking for some advice from someone's thats been there, if anyone's got any I'd appreciate it. I'm new here, be gentle...

Quick backfill: I'm 40 years old, I got engaged at 19 & married at 23 (yeah I know). I separated last spring after 17 years of marriage, it was over in 2001 but I hung on in there for the sake of my lad. Divorced finally this June.

Plan was to give myself till the new year before even thinking about dating, scares the crap out of me to be honest, given what I've seen, heard & read. Last time I dated was 1984, & even then I never got "involved", too much hassle. I got more emotional when my team lost than over some girl.

Fast forward to this June, I thought I'd give this speed dating thing a look, just out of curiosity. Sod's law being what it is, I met someone. An attractive, intelligent woman I liked, and wanted to keep around. Nice. We dated for maybe a month, she ended it. No biggie so far. When the text came through, I was more annoyed she hadnt told me in person, but hey, she owed me nothing. In fact, I remember thinking she'd done me a favour, work at the time was running me ragged.

Then it all got f*cked. I'd got dumped, signed my divorce papers, lost my job & my best friend to a heart attack, all within 72 hours. You can probably guess where all this is going. I had no-one to talk to, & I got messed up real quick. So, I start emailing her, which naturally she ignored, I'm all needy & overemotional, although I tell her nothing about what's really happened to me, I barfed all over the place but at the same time knew we hadn't spent long enough together to warrant her giving a sh*t about my real 'problems'. I'm talking maybe six emails top, I never rang her, went to her house or any daft s*it like that. I at least restrained myself from doing that.

Having got some distance since, its like remembering something someone else did.

Questions:

a) I've f*cked up. I feel bad, not for that, but for not giving a better account of myself, instead I picked up the shovel & kept on digging my hole. I've ditched all her info, but I remember her email address. Can I unf*ck this, not to get back with her, but to apologise. I dont really have the words for this, why the f*ck I should have to apologise I dont know, & why should I care what she thinks, but there you go, I do care.

b) I'm working on me for a while now, but how long should I wait before dating again. Is six months long enough, and how will I know when I'm ready?

c) Is it as bad out there with women as it seems to be? I dont know if its worth the aggrevation. Maybe I should get a cracking career going & get a maid for the kitchen & a wh*re for the bedroom?

Cheers.

If your genuine.

Not sure with this post, seems a little far fetched.

Anyway

Read the dj bible.

Look up one-itus.

Go and buy or download David D, i advocate his material since tbh about it he covers alot of inner game and its pritty solid for the newbies, i.e you.

 

[TheNew007]

Far fetched? I'm on the level here, that was a s*it week. I sure as hell wish it wasnt true.

I've read about this 'one-itis', does that apply here? I wasnt bothered when she ended it, it was the stuff that followed & I was looking to the wrong (i.e. nearest) person for some support, I guess. F*ck knows. I'm not into the 'community' or anything like that, I'm talking about one incident, I ain't proud of it & how best to move on from here, 'newbie' that I am.

Don't know if I'll bump into her, definitely not in the next couple of months but after Christmas, more than likely. If roles were reversed, she would be the last person I'd want anything to do with. It just seems like whatever I do, I'm screwed, chalking it up to experience seems like a cop out, I dont know. I feel obliged to try put the record straight.

 

[STR8UP]

When you're digging a hole, you aren't standing on the outside edge, you are sinking with every shovel full you take. And unfortunately, when a woman breaks up with you she's already dug the hole and pushed you in. All you are doing by continuing contact is sinking deeper.

I feel ya on the text breakup. If you've been on more than a few dates with a woman she owes it to you to at least do it on the phone. If you've been together for a month or two she owes you face to face. It's a pu$$y move to use text or email no matter how you look at it. It's been done to me, I know.

 

[TheNew007]

When you're digging a hole, you aren't standing on the outside edge, you are sinking with every shovel full you take. And unfortunately, when a woman breaks up with you she's already dug the hole and pushed you in. All you are doing by continuing contact is sinking deeper.

I have a good friend, she told me once the best way to deal with being dumped is just turn around & walk away. And keep on walking. Remove every trace of her from your life, your not obliged to protect her feelings, & stops you doing dumb s*it too. Wish I'd listed more closely now, I should have done that the minute I got the text.

Well sending someone a message or an email won't "put the record straight". The only way to communicate with women is through action. Don't talk about doing things, do them.

What I'm trying to say is, come up with a plan for your life and make it happen. Forgetting about this girl will be easy then, and when you do run into eachother at sometime in the future, your success and happiness will say more than any words ever could.

I think thats part of my frustration, if I have any problem in my life I just want to get on & sort it, sitting on my hands and doing nothing runs against the grain. What you say makes sense though, whats stopped me so far is knowing I'm wasting my time with an apology. I'm so far down the hole I cant see out now, might as well start digging a tunnel.

Wish I'd have known about this place a few months ago.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I'd got dumped, signed my divorce papers, lost my job & my best friend to a heart attack, all within 72 hours. You can probably guess where all this is going. I had no-one to talk to, & I got messed up real quick.

I agree that it helps a lot to talk to someone, but that is what friends are for. I value my few female friends for this reason; it keeps your 'need to talk' stuff out of your dating life.

People who have been married for a long time and newly thrust into the dating world usually stink at dating, especially men. Like anything, you learn from your mistakes and get better with time. But you have to be doing it to be getting any better.