izza
Master Don Juan
I volunteer with a recently released sex offender. We were hanging out on the street the other day and I noticed him staring at all kinds of attractive women. I joked with him that if I were his partner, I would slap him. But seriously, I said, my sister has moved out of neighborhoods just based on the aggressive way guys look at her.
“I’m a guy, we’re built to look. That’s exaggerated.” He replied. The implication was ‘women (including my sister) need to learn to calm down.’
For whatever reason, I like this guy - and he’s making a lot of effort to stop hurting people. He was just being honest and I think honesty is important.
I'm not sure if he’s aware of the stunning proportion of women who are sexually mistreated lifetime - something like ¼ are sexually assaulted and ⅕ are raped. This pandemic of violence against women gives certain looks on the street a meaning that we guys aren't always aware of.
Anyway, out of that conversation, I also realized that I’ve come to a place I really like around eye-contact. It came to me that I often have wonderful eye-contact interactions on the street. It’s all a work in progress - and probably within the next few years, will be totally different - but I wanted to share where I am now.
My goal in making eye contact is to play a fun game via eyes. And since the people, especially women, I know love puzzles, I like giving them a puzzle. The puzzle is “is this guy attracted to me?” and I want them to have enough information to figure out that the answer is yes. The goal is for this to happen with only a few glances.
A lot of guys, like the sex offender I volunteer with do eye contact this way:
"Hey YOU, you piece of meat you're HOT. I'm going to look at you!"
It’s direct and direct is good, but very common. Many women get this all the time. The directness is nice but there’s no puzzle or mystery, and it’s so common it’s dull. Is it confident? I dunno, depends on the case. Sometimes I wonder: if you're so confident, why make everything so obvious?
Another thing women get often is "Meh, I'm so damn cool, and sooooo not into you." Most women get a lot of that. That's boring too. It's a guy who seems afraid of connection. Again, might seem confident but isn't.
The most fun for me is when her thoughts seem like this: "Is he? Hmm, I wonder. Wait, **** it, I'm hot, of course he is." and I'm like "Yeah!"
That is the sweet spot. I give them a sense of space, safety. I give them plenty of chances to check me out (which staring does not). And I give them a sexy puzzle to solve. Again, enough contact to be clear that I’m attracted, but enough indifference to make it a puzzle.
I've literally had a sense of women thinking "THANK YOU" to the way I checked them out. I don’t know for sure, so maybe it’s all in my head. But that story in my head matters. It’s important that *I* like what I do.
My story:
I'm pretty into looking at people around me and pretty not that afraid of eye contact. Women are so scared of being raped, doing the creepy glare thing is not hard, my friends. I was raised to look people in the eye.
But I think I make too much contact. One day I tried not making any, and I noticed all kinds of women checking me out!
I was like hey!! y'all do this out of the corner of your eyes!
So then I was walking around like a robot for a while, not looking at anybody. And, as the sex offender pointed out, that didn't quite feel human.
But now I’ve found a middle ground that I like.
I’m into meeting women through friends these days, not so much on the street. And approaching someone on the street still terrifies me. But I’d like to play fun games with eyes in the meantime, games that leave me and I think, her, feeling wonderful. That is the sort of thing that really is boosting my own sense of self.
“I’m a guy, we’re built to look. That’s exaggerated.” He replied. The implication was ‘women (including my sister) need to learn to calm down.’
For whatever reason, I like this guy - and he’s making a lot of effort to stop hurting people. He was just being honest and I think honesty is important.
I'm not sure if he’s aware of the stunning proportion of women who are sexually mistreated lifetime - something like ¼ are sexually assaulted and ⅕ are raped. This pandemic of violence against women gives certain looks on the street a meaning that we guys aren't always aware of.
Anyway, out of that conversation, I also realized that I’ve come to a place I really like around eye-contact. It came to me that I often have wonderful eye-contact interactions on the street. It’s all a work in progress - and probably within the next few years, will be totally different - but I wanted to share where I am now.
My goal in making eye contact is to play a fun game via eyes. And since the people, especially women, I know love puzzles, I like giving them a puzzle. The puzzle is “is this guy attracted to me?” and I want them to have enough information to figure out that the answer is yes. The goal is for this to happen with only a few glances.
A lot of guys, like the sex offender I volunteer with do eye contact this way:
"Hey YOU, you piece of meat you're HOT. I'm going to look at you!"
It’s direct and direct is good, but very common. Many women get this all the time. The directness is nice but there’s no puzzle or mystery, and it’s so common it’s dull. Is it confident? I dunno, depends on the case. Sometimes I wonder: if you're so confident, why make everything so obvious?
Another thing women get often is "Meh, I'm so damn cool, and sooooo not into you." Most women get a lot of that. That's boring too. It's a guy who seems afraid of connection. Again, might seem confident but isn't.
The most fun for me is when her thoughts seem like this: "Is he? Hmm, I wonder. Wait, **** it, I'm hot, of course he is." and I'm like "Yeah!"
That is the sweet spot. I give them a sense of space, safety. I give them plenty of chances to check me out (which staring does not). And I give them a sexy puzzle to solve. Again, enough contact to be clear that I’m attracted, but enough indifference to make it a puzzle.
I've literally had a sense of women thinking "THANK YOU" to the way I checked them out. I don’t know for sure, so maybe it’s all in my head. But that story in my head matters. It’s important that *I* like what I do.
My story:
I'm pretty into looking at people around me and pretty not that afraid of eye contact. Women are so scared of being raped, doing the creepy glare thing is not hard, my friends. I was raised to look people in the eye.
But I think I make too much contact. One day I tried not making any, and I noticed all kinds of women checking me out!
I was like hey!! y'all do this out of the corner of your eyes!
So then I was walking around like a robot for a while, not looking at anybody. And, as the sex offender pointed out, that didn't quite feel human.
But now I’ve found a middle ground that I like.
I’m into meeting women through friends these days, not so much on the street. And approaching someone on the street still terrifies me. But I’d like to play fun games with eyes in the meantime, games that leave me and I think, her, feeling wonderful. That is the sort of thing that really is boosting my own sense of self.
