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Expectations....Just Let Go

Sinistar

Master Don Juan
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This is based on my own experiences and observations of the forum.

It would seem that a great deal of our mistakes, letdowns, crisis and in general, painful experiences are the end result of expectations and conditioning that we allow to happen to ourselves.

I remember an experience from several years ago. A girl I was seeing would call everynight before she went to bed. She always made a point of calling from home (via Caller ID) unless we had gone out that evening. I will admit I enjoyed the attention, trust or whatever you want to label it. And once in a great while the call would come in a bit later than usual (she would always call within 30 minutes of the same time). When that happened it shouldn't have mattered, but it did. And eventually (after about 4 months of this) one evening she did not call. So I got AFC and tried calling her. No answer. Eventually she called back at about an hour later than normal. I think things changed between us at that very instant. And eventually there was the evening where she didn't call at all.

So what happened there might be an example of what many of us are *allowing* to happen to ourselves.

In my example, at some point I allowed an expectation to form. I expected her to call every night to "check in" (the exact phrase she always used to start the call). And more importantly, I hadn't allowed myself to realize that I was the one being conditioned because her calling every night was her choice. And I was rewarding it by always being there to answer (not being a mystery to her). I may have expected it, yet it was her choice.

Okay, where am I going with this?

I think one our biggest weaknesses is allowing *unhealthy* expectations to form. And when we allow these unhealthy expectations to form we tend to allow ourselves to be conditioned/controlled by another person. And when another person controls us in that manner we can not possibly retain the frame of being the prize, being totally in control, confident, ec.

You see it here all the time (myself included).

Some of us have the *expectation* that the only great LTR potential is a HB. So we look past many great women, focus on certain specific types and continue to wind up confused possibly dumped and repeating the pattern. More importantly we are *looking*, which is a cousin of expectation.

This very expectation also leads to AFC ways. Or perhaps I should state the inverse. A true DJ will not allow these types of expectations to foster. A guy who is comfortable with himself and self sufficient will walk in the grocery store or bookstore or wherever not expecting to meet a HB or future wife. And ironically, that guy is probably the most likely meet her. Because he won't be exuding nervousness, neediness or fears. She'll be taken in by that. If his DJ skills are moderately good, he'll land the number close.

Taking this even further, think of all the posts where guys are crushed because their women is *changing* on them, speaking giberish, causing confusing situations, putting use in lose-lose scenarios etc. Or in the worst case, dumping us and moving on in some cold hearted manner. We've all been there or we will be eventually.

Had we not allowed the *expectation* that they will stay with us forever, it wouldn't really matter that much. That frame of mind would exude confidence thus leading the woman to yield to us being the prize. And she will have a fear (which might be seen by us as respect) that we'll just walk away, being indifferent, unphased and better off if they make a big mistake.

However, the same unchecked expectation tends to allow us to be conditioned by them. Throw in a failed sh!t test or two on their part and non-DJ will start to fear being abandoned/dumped. Then the really unhealthy part of one-itis sets in. Getting clingy, needy, emotional and in the extreme cases becoming more obsessive (calling too much, trying to control/solve things, etc)

Yet another irony of expections. As they become unhealthy they seem to lead to fear of a unwanted outcomes. And eventually that fear can cause one to expect that bad outcome. Isn't it strange how that expectation always comes true. Self fullfilling to put it simply.

It always seems like a guy with a woman tends to be able to attract more women. However, I would challenge this theory if the same guy has unhealthy expectations of his current GF/LTR and has been conditioned by her or thinks he owns her. I would be willing to bet this dude will scare away the Betty's just as fast as the AFC crying over in the corner?

Then there are things like jealousy. I submit that we truly feel jealousy because we expected them to be with us instead of the next dude boning her.

Breakups, same thing. We allow ourselves to be hurt because we expected them to stay with us. When we should have known all along they are unpredictable emotional illogical creatures that will just up and leave for the stupidest reasons.

The phone seems to ring when you least expect it. We seem to meet women that are interesting when we least expect it. That great next job seems to just come to us when we least expect it. Some of the most enjoyable times with buddies, women or strangers come when we lest expect it. We know way down inside we are happiest when we don't have expectations of others because we really know that we can not control them in any way.

I think a sign of maturity and being a true DJ is avoiding unhealthy expectations in the first place. And if he feels them taking hold, he does something about it immediately before falling prey to the conditioning and fears that will take root afterwards.

Perhaps you could say a confident man does not allow unhealthy expectations in his life and thus he does not allow himself to be conditioned. Or maybe a man who is aware of unhealthy expectations and does not allow them is displaying true confidence and maturity.
 
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Great read

I was just thinking about this after I come to realize that I really didn't miis my last GF. She was not even the type of woman I wanted in the first place. I missed the sex, companionship, and comfort of having her there. I think the 'comfort zone' is the most unhealthy place to be, because you stop being yourself and all the expectations take hold.( i.e. having sex, some one to do things with, wondering where they are...) It's like your inner DJ has been ripped away from you. Woman have a way of getting you to the zone...

I came here 3 years ago and started to work on myself. Then the GF came and left and I had to start all over. It was a waste of time. The moral of my story is: Never give up yourself to the comfort zone. In the end you'll be the only one with you.

ADKdj
 

Sinistar

Master Don Juan
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'Comfort Zone'

ADifferentKindofDJ wote:
I think the 'comfort zone' is the most unhealthy place to be, because you stop being yourself and all the expectations take hold.( i.e. having sex, some one to do things with, wondering where they are...) It's like your inner DJ has been ripped away from you.
Yeah, this didn't even cross my mind when I wrote but it's so obvious. The lines crossed when going from:

1.) The challenge of getting her
2.) To the comfort zone of them being with us
3.) To the expectation they'll be there for us

can either be so quick they're like taking a stupid pill or so subtle and slow we never typically realize its happened.

Woman have a way of getting you to the zone...
Now this is really getting to good part because I have always wondered just how much women do this consciously and how much is done at their subconscious/irrational level?

Let's say a guy is living true to his DJ principles (his life, his way, spinnin' plates, etc), the woman will always be a bit unsure, always chasing trying to first establish this [often subtle] comfort zone.

I suspect she either knows (consciously) or feels (subconsciously) that a man becoming comfortable will [almost] always begin to expect her company, sex, attention, etc.

At that instant control has shifted and we begin to allow ourselves to be conditioned via continually met expectations. It isn't long after that and the regularly scheduled sh!t tests start appearing because she now knows she can push to establish some type of dominance and to qualify. If the guy passes the tests, then the relationship can start to settle into a much more healthy comfort zone.

Which brings it back to something so simple yet so hard to do once comfortable and allowing ourselves to expect things. We stop being a Mystery/Challenge/Alpha and starting reverting to AFC ways (ie oneitis).

And ironically, this (Challenge/Mystery/Alpha) is exactly what women want!

Yet they spend all their time telling us they want stable reliable friendship mode first. And once they establish that, what do they do. Start hoping and praying (inside) that the guy will be a Mystery/Challenge/Alpha to keep their emotional rollercoaster running.
 
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