Exclusive question?

[Baldie]

I'm currently going out with this girl (21) for 2 months now...and i popped the EXCLUSIVE question to her last night. I really dig her and i want to be with her..that is why i popped the question. I told her exactly this..."I gave it some thought and ....how does you and me sound?" The reaction she got was kinda of a surprise. She couldn't really give me a straight answer...she gave a shrug. I told her too that i treated her right and all. And she told me that...she had some "hard relationships" in the past. Afterwards, i just told her to give it some time to think about it. And left it as that. My question is......did i ruin my chances to be with her? We were going out for 2 months and it's been SOLID in my point of view. Did I drive her away? We did still make out and all that after the conversation. What should i do from here on in....

Thanx for any opinions fellow DJ's

Baldie (23)

 

[Peak]

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Are you crazy or something!!!?

What the hell did you ask for? This topic was covered in past posts! You have got to get in the position for her to ask you!!!!!
She shrugged!!!!!? WTF is that! A shrug is F***ing BS. I am P***ed off, so you should be 10 times more p***ed of than me! Two months is peanuts!! Chicken feed!

The more I read your post the more steamed I get. Dude why didn't you just ask her straight out if she could please dominate your life and ruin it if she cares to expend the energy!
You better start playing hard to get mate otherwise those rose-coloured glasses of your are going to be permanently attached to your own detriment.

Supplication is not the key to anything.

 

[blacksun]

peak is right.
You should read the posts about this question, you are not the first one, who asked about that, and who made that error.
>Never ask for being exclusive<
but that rule won't help you anymore. Search for the last 500 posts of Anti-Dump and read them all, and save the best ones to your harddisk. You will learn more about dating then from any book or anything else. Invest some hours, it could save you from more stupid errors and hundreds of hours of pain.
Some months ago, when I didn'n know this board, I would have done the same error.
Don't worry about it now, you can't change the past, cancel your date with her in the next days ( if you have one ), say you have to do lots of important things and keep cool. If she only gave you a shrug, then don't give her a high priority.
Make your homework, read AD's posts , read the articles (click on articles when you are on the startpage of www.sousave.com) , and read the "hall of fame"-articles.

read http://www.sosuave.com/ubb/Forum1/HTML/001836.html to see what can happen if you do your homework.

 

[Adonis]

Big mistake. While I don't necessarily believe that a man can't pop the exclusive question (it depends on how you present yourself to her), I think that because of her age you shouldn't have. Most women in college years don't really want to be tied down with relationships and everything - they want to have fun without the hassles of a relationship. Fifty years ago it may be different, but in this day and age it's something else. Women have more control and freedom over everything, almost to the point were men are left fending for themselves.

I think you should have waited for her to pop that question. If she really liked you that much she would've mentioned it by now. But, like I said women at that age like to experiment and have fun. Why don't you take it easy with the 'love' & 'emotion' thing and try to have fun? If not, then bail out. She's not looking to go steady with you anytime soon and if you don't want to get burned then I suggest you be careful. Don't let yourself fall for somebody completely - let part of yourself go but don't completely drown yourself in her ocean.

[This message has been edited by Adonis (edited 09-05-2000).]

 

[Krynnster]

Originally posted by Baldie:
She couldn't really give me a straight answer...she gave a shrug.

Let's put on our black & white glasses and read her answer again. With these glasses on, everything that is not a definitive "yes" is a definitive "no". As simple as that

.

Now, the situation is not hopeless and you could probably continue to date this girl without "bugging her" about exclusivity... but I think there's something else here:

I'm bringing up this issue only because you asked her for exclusivity so I assume you had a reason. I want you to be honest with yourself and answer the following question: assuming she is dating other guys (and not necessarily telling you about it) or cannot commit to an exclusive relationship with you, do you still want to date her? Will you be happy dating her knowing that you cannot be exclusive?

Your answer should point you in the right direction

Hope this helps...

K.


[This message has been edited by Krynnster (edited 09-05-2000).]

 

[Baldie]

Thanx for all your responses Peak and company. We are all going to make mistakes once in a while...and i did...at least i have experienced it. Which is good in a way. Well....what should i do from here. I should dial it down a notch and don't call her at all? Make her come to me and refuse the date that is if she calls and try to plan one out? I guess i got caught up in the moment and i'll promise to myself that i will NEVER do it again.
Thanx again for all you peoples opinions and responses...

Baldie

P.S. This girl i'm dating is not a college student...graduated already.... just something that i wanted to point out...

 

[Anti-Dump]

No, you didn't ruin your chances
with her.

No you didn't drive her away.

Don't be hard on yourself for asking for exclusivity. I used to do it all the time.

I am going to be careful how I answer this tonight. That is because of how you asked her to be exclusive.

You said "How does you and me sound?".

I just hope she understood the question. When you ask for exclusivity, you usually say "I want you and I not to date others. What do you think?".

You spell it out. Did she understand what you said meant NOT DATING OTHERS?

Maybe she thought you were talking about feelings of love.
I think she might have thought you were asking her if she loved you.

You have to be clear and spell it out for women.

By the way I am against asking for it because I feel the woman should be very worried about it. If she is in love she will want it big time.

Please reply back and tell me if you are sure she understood. Tell me if where you live, and if your age group asks for exclusivity this way.

I will reply tomorrow. I have to be fresh for my job. I am going to bed.

AD

 

[Marauder]

Originally posted by Baldie:
I'm currently going out with this girl (21) for 2 months now...and i popped the EXCLUSIVE question to her last night. I really dig her and i want to be with her..that is why i popped the question. I told her exactly this..."I gave it some thought and ....how does you and me sound?" The reaction she got was kinda of a surprise. She couldn't really give me a straight answer...she gave a shrug. I told her too that i treated her right and all. And she told me that...she had some "hard relationships" in the past. Afterwards, i just told her to give it some time to think about it. And left it as that. My question is......did i ruin my chances to be with her? We were going out for 2 months and it's been SOLID in my point of view. Did I drive her away? We did still make out and all that after the conversation. What should i do from here on in....

Thanx for any opinions fellow DJ's

Baldie (23)

The guys were right...A guy never asks for exclusivity...Your gal will prompt you when she wants that from you...Never the other way round.....if you are damned sure she got your question, stop all contact with her immediately......Give yourself the cold-turkey treatment....You have already made your stand....Give her time for your question to really sink in & don't call back to ask!! She will let you know if she is really into you...If that call never comes, move on! Protect your heart....


------------------
Marauder

What that don't kill me only
makes me stronger...

 

[Baldie]

Hi AD,
Thanx for the response back. Yes, I believe that she understood the question. I should have told her IN DETAIL/SPELL IT OUT like you suggested ex. ...NOT TO DATE OTHERS....but i didn't. Around my way...i have seen others that have asked in that way. So, I thought that was appropriate. What should I do now? Should I play it the way Marauder suggested? Let her CALL ME and make her think about it? Should I tell her IN DETAIL this time by saying NOT TO DATE OTHERS?

Thanx again AD and people in advance...

Baldie

 

[Marauder]

Originally posted by Baldie:
Hi AD,
Thanx for the response back. Yes, I believe that she understood the question. I should have told her IN DETAIL/SPELL IT OUT like you suggested ex. ...NOT TO DATE OTHERS....but i didn't. Around my way...i have seen others that have asked in that way. So, I thought that was appropriate. What should I do now? Should I play it the way Marauder suggested? Let her CALL ME and make her think about it? Should I tell her IN DETAIL this time by saying NOT TO DATE OTHERS?

Thanx again AD and people in advance...

Baldie

You only say it once....Since you are so sure she got the idea...Leave it as that...next time if she ever calls you up for anything else....just remind her that you are not going to do anything with her until you get your answer....& pls end the call after that...don't wait around for her to answer....This way you are telling her that she cannot just get away without an answer....She gotta accept you or you gonna drop her....You are not about to waste more time with her on anything else except for a relationship.....If you don't get anything from her subsequently, you can just call it quits & move on. End of the game



------------------
Marauder

What that don't kill me only
makes me stronger...

 

[Anti-Dump]

Hi Baldie,

My answer will surprise you.

It is based on three facts:

#1. You made it to the two month mark. Most new relationships end within eight weeks . This girl must like you because she didn't dump you. 80% of the time it is the girl that does the dumping. So her interest must be up there.

#2. You asked ME to help you. This means to me that this girl is treating you right. I think you don't want to lose her. She shows she cares.

#3. You said this relationship is "SOLID". She didn't cancel alot of dates. She generally likes your date ideas and goes along with you. She is available most of the time.

So here is my advice:

Date her until FOUR months have passed. Then ask her again for exclusivity. Don't bring it up until then. If she starts talking about it,
start talking about it yourself.

When you ask her next time, spell it out clearly. You want to be sure she understood. This is so you can dump her with a clear conscience. If she still doesn't say 'Yes', I advise breaking up.

She is going to be thinking about what you said about being exclusive. She will think about it EVERY DAY for the next two months. Women have photographic memories. She will NOT forget you asked!

Four months is CLEARLY enough time to know if you don't want to date others. I think you should give her a chance.

But not over four months. That's it!

I don't always say 'dump her'. This is one.

Since you already asked for exclusivity, which you know you shouldn't, it is Okay to do it again.

This is not a life and death situation! Then you will know FOR SURE, Baldie. And you gave her a chance too! Your conscience will be clear.

Good Luck.

AD

 

[Marauder]

Originally posted by Anti-Dump:
Hi Baldie,

My answer will surprise you.

It is based on three facts:

#1. You made it to the two month mark. Most new relationships end within eight weeks . This girl must like you because she didn't dump you. 80% of the time it is the girl that does the dumping. So her interest must be up there.

#2. You asked ME to help you. This means to me that this girl is treating you right. I think you don't want to lose her. She shows she cares.

#3. You said this relationship is "SOLID". She didn't cancel alot of dates. She generally likes your date ideas and goes along with you. She is available most of the time.

So here is my advice:

Date her until FOUR months have passed. Then ask her again for exclusivity. Don't bring it up until then. If she starts talking about it,
start talking about it yourself.

When you ask her next time, spell it out clearly. You want to be sure she understood. This is so you can dump her with a clear conscience. If she still doesn't say 'Yes', I advise breaking up.

She is going to be thinking about what you said about being exclusive. She will think about it EVERY DAY for the next two months. Women have photographic memories. She will NOT forget you asked!

Four months is CLEARLY enough time to know if you don't want to date others. I think you should give her a chance.

But not over four months. That's it!

I don't always say 'dump her'. This is one.

Since you already asked for exclusivity, which you know you shouldn't, it is Okay to do it again.

This is not a life and death situation! Then you will know FOR SURE, Baldie. And you gave her a chance too! Your conscience will be clear.

Good Luck.

AD

Maybe AD's advice is easier to digest...I overlooked the fact that your relationship was "SOLID"...I interpreted that to mean she always say "YES" to your dates....But still I would advise you to take a break from all this before resuming any contact with her...Best if she is the one who initiate it! Anyway I hope you will get your gal if she is really that good

------------------
Marauder

What that don't kill me only
makes me stronger...

 

[Baldie]

Thanx for all your advices....especially AD and Marauder. Say AD...do you think i should plan the next date or make her do it...???

Baldie

 

[Marauder]

Originally posted by Baldie:
Thanx for all your advices....especially AD and Marauder. Say AD...do you think i should plan the next date or make her do it...???

Baldie

Give yourself at least 3 weeks for this to blow over.....then you call her for a date...It would be great if she is the one who calls first...That way you know she no longer has any issue with the question you raised.....Making your call too soon will only give her pressure & drive her further away from you....Assumming she still wants to date you....continue with your stuff and better keep that "exclusivity" safely locked up elsewhere...Make sure you don't make any more reference to that topic again..Not forgetting to be happy when you are with her....I bet she will be accessing you & at the same time thinking about the question you posed.....AD is right...4mths with her is the longest you'll go before you pop the question again.....But I believe if she really likes you, she will eventually lead you to this topic...If you still get the same response, better walk off...you will get your heart burned if you stay any longer!


------------------
Marauder

What that don't kill me only
makes me stronger...

 

[Anti-Dump]

Originally posted by Baldie:
Thanx for all your advices....especially AD and Marauder. Say AD...do you think i should plan the next date or make her do it...???

Baldie

Ask HER what she wants to do for the next date.

You are past the point where you are watching to see if she goes along with your ideas.

She passed the test. You know she is FLEXABLE. Now you can start being mutual. Don't worry, she will not change.

About once a month ask her if there is anything she wants to do.

Here's a secret. Whatever she wants to do no matter how much you hate it say YES.

If you get choosy she will not give you any more ideas. She will resent you and hold it inside. Not good. Women are not men. If you ask you are stuck with the choice. But she will love you for it! Make yourself like it and smile. This is a relationship. Not a one way street.

In the first month you have to be strick. You want to find the right girl. After two months you relax the rules a little.

Keep up the good Don Juan work, Baldie.

AD

 

[Marauder]

Originally posted by Anti-Dump:
Ask HER what she wants to do for the next date.

You are past the point where you are watching to see if she goes along with your ideas.

She passed the test. You know she is FLEXABLE. Now you can start being mutual. Don't worry, she will not change.

About once a month ask her if there is anything she wants to do.

Here's a secret. Whatever she wants to do no matter how much you hate it say YES.

If you get choosy she will not give you any more ideas. She will resent you and hold it inside. Not good. Women are not men. If you ask you are stuck with the choice. But she will love you for it! Make yourself like it and smile. This is a relationship. Not a one way street.

In the first month you have to be strick. You want to find the right girl. After two months you relax the rules a little.

Keep up the good Don Juan work, Baldie.

AD

I like the way you put it AD....Baldie can finally be the "nice guy" hehehe!



------------------
Marauder

What that don't kill me only
makes me stronger...

 

[Ko-B]

yep...as i have said on the previous jerk vs. nice guy arguments, you can "peel off the AD-cover" heheheh...p'z.

 

[Don the Legend]

bump!

 

[vadrill]

Baldie, you've been given some good advice in this thread.

Being nearly twice your age and having dated quite a bit over the years, I've never popped that question to a woman. Lord, not even to my ex-wife when we were courting.

The same question you asked your date has been asked of me before and I know it didn't set well with me.

It was of little consequence that I liked the woman and enjoyed their company. It was the shell shock of suddenly being put in a position to move the relationship to another level without having the time to think about it.

Again, the posts here have been good but my exerience shares the same opinion of Anti-Dump. He hit it right in the middle of the target.

And no, I don't think it's too late to salvage the relationship. Just have fun with one another and let the relationship take it's course. You can't force it.

 

[SoSuave.com]

Moving to The Archive.