Ex is reaching out after a long silence

[welchy]

longtime lurker here and i used to post at LS for awhile before I finally saw the light and started swallowing the red pill.

anywho.

I was married to this woman for about four years. She was my college gf.

Things weren't good, we fought a lot and she was pretty disrespectful. I remember one night she called me a loser (my company cut a bunch of jobs and I was one of the ones to go) so we had financial trouble. We did the whole counseling thing and it never worked. So we split and I moved out of state and we cut ties for good.

I'm engaged now to a new girl and my ex-wife remarried a year after our divorce was finalized. Cut to now and my ex-wife is currently separated from her husband. They were married for about 3 years and she had a daughter with him (he cheated on her with one of her friends).

She's reached out to me (on Facebook PM) and wants to talk again but I haven't wrote her back. I know she's been through a lot and she's had bipolar depression and her messages were pretty desperate and sort of pleaing with me.

Admittedly, I always have loved this woman but I'm over her but I thought it would have best if we never spoke. I'm also pretty happy with my STB wife but I feel bad about my ex.

Do you think its right for me to talk to my ex or offer comfort as a good guy? Or is that beta to do? Do I draw the line somewhere?

 

[Cremasta]

I think that right now, you should be giving your current girl some respect and do not get involved with your ex. I can't imagine that she would feel particularly good about you 'offering comfort' to your ex-wife. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

Tell your gf about the messages you got and then respond to your ex with something like:

"Hi. Look, this is nothing to do with me. We didn't exactly part ways on the best of terms, so you really need to go talk to your family or friends. Please don't contact me again."

This way your current gf knows that you have responded and don't want the both of you to get dragged into your ex's dramas.

 

[El Payaso]

Absolutely do NOT tell your soon to be wife about your ex contacting you. WTF?

Ignore and delete. Do not respond. Do not read. Just ignore and delete. Do not get sucked in. Don't be a fool.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

It's not about whether it's beta or not, it's about whether it's stupid or not, and reaching back out to her is stupid. Of all the people in the World, why must it be you who helps her solve her issues?

I guarantee she has at least one other person to turn to, and in the case that she doesn't, let her find someone on her own - crisis hotline, co-worker, some random lady waiting for the bus, a horny AFC, whatever, just don't feel compelled to fill those shoes because you think that you owe it to her. Don't screw up a good thing. Let her figure it out without your help.

 

[mikey2012]

Lol. You shouldn't contact her at all. You see it's her loss. This is a tale for all those who got dumped . Fast fwd 3-5 years and your ex would probably be a fat single mother. So concentrate on improving yourself . Walk away and don't look back and if she contacts you in a few years time wanting a shoulder to cry on.... You know what to do

 

[nismo-4]

I solved a similar case yesterday!

Anyways, a woman losing her emotional tampon is like a breakup. Keep her deleted from all platforms. She gave you hell before, don't go back for seconds. Why the hell do you want to go backwards anyway?

Stick with your new girl, the old one is just gonna bring trouble. That's my ruling.

Case closed. Exit the courtroom.

 

[Desdinova]

That horse is dead. Why would you even THINK about riding it again?

 

[salinechow]

Only a dog eats its own vomit.

Delete her. It will feel weird, mean, rude, and inhuman. Then, it will feel really, really, good. You'll smirk about it one day. You'll feel empowered. You'll ride off into the sunset.

You didnt do this to your ex, she did, let her roost in it.

Give that attention to your wifey, where it belongs.

 

[Peña]

Why not? You 2 were married. Totally different. Have any kids?

 

[welchy]

Why not? You 2 were married. Totally different. Have any kids?

We didn't have kids. I didn't think she'd be a good mom. She had no patience, even with our dogs.

Well her PM was long and she apologized for some of the stuff she had done and she was asking about my family, etc.

I haven't told my family or my GF about the message. I was pissed about how she treated me post-divorce but I got over it quick because I moved and I never saw her again and had a few flings with other women in my new town.

I don't think it would do me any good to talk to her. I haven't wrote her back either.

 

[zorg198]

Don't respond. ignore like it was never happened.

Sh had her chance , she ruined it.

Joe.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

longtime lurker here and i used to post at LS for awhile before I finally saw the light and started swallowing the red pill.

anywho.

I was married to this woman for about four years. She was my college gf.

Things weren't good, we fought a lot and she was pretty disrespectful. I remember one night she called me a loser (my company cut a bunch of jobs and I was one of the ones to go) so we had financial trouble. We did the whole counseling thing and it never worked. So we split and I moved out of state and we cut ties for good.

I'm engaged now to a new girl and my ex-wife remarried a year after our divorce was finalized. Cut to now and my ex-wife is currently separated from her husband. They were married for about 3 years and she had a daughter with him (he cheated on her with one of her friends).

She's reached out to me (on Facebook PM) and wants to talk again but I haven't wrote her back. I know she's been through a lot and she's had bipolar depression and her messages were pretty desperate and sort of pleaing with me.

Admittedly, I always have loved this woman but I'm over her but I thought it would have best if we never spoke. I'm also pretty happy with my STB wife but I feel bad about my ex.

Do you think its right for me to talk to my ex or offer comfort as a good guy? Or is that beta to do? Do I draw the line somewhere?

Not sure the exact context of the message, but I think your on track as to why she contacted you. Usually when a long time ex reaches out to you out of the blue, she's bored, lonely, looking for some emotional support, attention, blah blah....for the time being, until she get's back on her feet, so to say. Personally, I'd respond. But by no means would I offer any "comfort", that ship has sailed. I would also keep any and all emotions out of it: don't bring up the past, don't engage in any Jr. High drama. You are happy and content with your new life, and, for all intents and purposes, GLAD she left, best thing that could have happened you. Let her be bitter and regret her past mistakes if she wants to, that's none of your concern. Just keep the message short and simple: "Blah, blah, I'm serious with someone, good luck to you." Nip it in the bud. Then if she responds back, then by all means don't respond, you have informed her you are in a relationship, and, by her further writing you, she is now imposing. Send her one message and that's it.

Also, depending on your relationship with your new girl, I don't see a problem with telling her that your ex contacted you. What's the big deal? SHE contacted YOU. I'd probably tell her, maybe not. I guess that one depends on the overall situation.

 

[Fin9]

Hey Welchy, I'm studying psychology and I have one thing to tell you: stay the fvck away from women with bipolar disorder. It's there in the top next to borderline personality disorder.

That's all I've got to tell you.

 

[GS750]

If she's Bipolar or has mental health issues then it's pretty much guaranteed that she's highly manipulative. Head cases always are, it's a control thing. So it's safe to assume that this contact is selfish in nature and an attempt to manipulate you. She will see ANY contact as an invitation for further contact. Even if she says she won't bother you anymore...she'll reach out again. These crazies just cant help themselves. They don't respect your boundaries. I'd ignore and never mention it to my current GF. Better yet, block her on FB or shut down the FB completely. She's out of your life, you're on to bigger and better things. My .02.

 

[Peña]

I don't think it would do me any good to talk to her. I haven't wrote her back either.

Why ask us what do when you don't think it is good to talk?

 

[.Bing.]

Do what you feel is best for your situation. It's best not to rehash old talks again with ex wives and girlfriends if you don't need to.

Good Luck.

 

[expos]

Don't talk to her. Don't even respond to her email. She has plenty of people (like family) who can soothe and smooth out her issues.

There are only two reasons she's reaching out:

1. She has no other options and she's looking for sympathy to make her feel better until something better comes along, to which she'll never talk to you again.

2. She knows you are engaged (is this public on Facebook or social media?) and is trying to throw a monkey wrench into your relationship since her's didn't work out. She doesn't want you to find success or type of happiness. She's selfish.

Keep this in mind when you think about replying to her. If she wasn't a good wife or partner to you the first time around, it's doubtful she's changed, especially considering that her newest relationship flopped. If she's also Bipolar, good on you for getting out. People with bipolar depression are nearly impossible to have relationships with.

 

[Blargh]

No contact. Block her facebook. She burned that bridge. You said yourself you were pissed about how she treated you post-divorce. Not mention during the marriage. Why give her the time of day. She's reaching out for her own devices, not out of respect for you.
She likely feels she has nothing to lose and a lot of gain out of reconnecting with you. What do you have to gain and what do you have to lose in this situation.
If you really feel the need to reply, Just say thank you for the apology and mentioned that you have moved on in life. Wish her the best in her life and goodbye. Then block her.
Whatever you do, block her. Don't let her keep sending you messages until she is able to reel you back into her world.
You should be able to tell your new girl. Phrase it as a compliment to the new girl. Something about how remembering your ex reminds you of how lucky you are to have new girl. If your new girl gets crazy on you, it's a red flag.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Do you think its right for me to talk to my ex or offer comfort as a good guy? Or is that beta to do? Do I draw the line somewhere?

Is it beta to "offer comfort as a good guy" to a chick who was disrespectful and called you a loser when you lost your job? Gee, that's a really hard question to answer. I'll have to get back you in a few weeks after giving it some thought.