Ex is calling now

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

So my ex is calling me now. She ended our 5 yr LTR last winter, with my requisite going AFC at the end. When the fireworks were over, I went No Contact and got busy furthering myself, working out, and pulling chicks. I discovered this site in those sh!tty AFC days.

Hence the 'Unbridled Phoenix'.

Since then, I have gotten bigger, leaner, and bolder. I got myself hired as a reporter and have just worked to adopt and manifest a truly self-determinate mentality. Part of me wants to rub this in her face, most of me wants to remain a mystery to her.

She called me two weeks ago in the wee hours of a saturday night, I ignored it. No message. She called again yesterday afternoon, leaving this:

"Hey, just wanted to see you were doing fine, and to observe that...the world is a crazy place. I hope you are doing fine, bye"

So what do you guys do in this spot? It's ancient history to me, so I don't want to feel like I'm punishing her by ignoring her. Does it indicate to her that I am this bitter wretch now if I ignore her? But she did do me wrong, so is it wrong to call her back?

Should I put her in my stable?

All thoughts appreciated.

 

[mikeraw]

Too bad that the search feature on this site is so krappy, cuz I don't really remember the poster, but there are a couple of good posts with many valid logical points that explain the absolutely zero contact is the way to go...

I remember a thread I started a few months ago about breaking up with this chick cuz I found out she had cheated on me. Someone suggested that I should've kept her around as an F buddy but then someone else explained to me why this was a bad idea... mostly because you know someone else is doing it and fetishsizes the situation and it can only get worst in t he long run... what i'm getting at is that your ex has definitely been farking other people since your breakup, and that's gonna eat you up inside, no matter how tough you want to sound on the internet.

I think the break up thread is called "The Breakup Thread". I'd search for it and post a link, but again, the search feature on this site is dumb and internet in this damn Ukrainian hotel room is slow as hell.

Don't call her.

 

[mikeraw]

Here are a couple I found:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=38886&highlight=breakup

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155594&highlight=breakup

The second link is better, IMO.

 

[speed dawg]

Sounds like she still thinks she has you by the balls and she wants to confirm that. Look at her quote, she thinks you're still out there pining over her. Don't give her the satisfaction. Sure, she may want you again once she sees you're doing well. But so what?

Don't answer her. There's nothing bitter about giving her that same treatment. And there's nothing for you to gain by opening up that same old dark chapter. Why bring negativity into your positive world?

If you are secure enough in yourself to talk to her, go ahead. I don't think you'll get anything out of it. I remember the girl I went head over heels AFC for, I starting getting all the nervous just thinking about her for a while there. Now, it would be nothing to talk to her. In the end it's your call. I mean, she'll never see you as 'super-sexy guy I can't wait to fvck' ever again. It's just a challenge to her, a game.

Don't play it. That's my advice.

 

[samspade]

Exes always come sniffing around when you've turned the corner. My advice is to stay away from her. The reasons are simple. Either you truly don't care about her and don't need her in your life, or you still DO care, in which case contacting her will not help you. It sounds like you still care a little, since you're wondering what effect on her your actions (or lack thereof) will have on her.

I can understand an interest in trying to make her a FB, but I honestly think that is easier said than done, especially after a 5 year relationship.

My advice is for you to save your time and energy for women who have shown they want to be with you, not one who has demonstrated the opposite. The fact that she's poking around doesn't mean she wants anything more than a) emotional satisfaction, b) soothing of her own guilt, or possibly c) sexual fulfillment with someone familiar. Again, in the last case, you could squeeze a few lays out of her, but why bother? It will only serve to make you look like that's what you've been waiting around for.

 

[DavenJuan]

originally posted by Unbridled Phoenix
So what do you guys do in this spot? It's ancient history to me, so I don't want to feel like I'm punishing her by ignoring her. Does it indicate to her that I am this bitter wretch now if I ignore her? But she did do me wrong, so is it wrong to call her back?

i wouldnt worry so much on what SHE is thinkin in regards to WHY or WHY NOT you have decided not to call her back.

having said that, i honestly dont see much of an issue to be cordial and return her phone call to see if there was something that she wanted. ( assuming thats what you WANT to do)

take from that conversation what you want. If you want to put her in the 'stable" the go ahead, however i would disagree with this but to each their own.

but their should be nothing from stopping you from calling her back.

again, im only suggesting this NOT knowing the reason why you two are no longer together.

 

[Son of anarchy]

There is no gain in talking back to her.
You dont need to risk your new happyness to the possibility to find a fuk buddy,and maybe if u just give her few replies and disappear she can go psyco and bother you day after day.
Take our advice and ignore her,.

 

[Sinistar]

The real underlying question isn't what you should do but rather "Why Now?"

Of course to know that answer you'd need to re-initiate contact. I think a lot of guys fail to step back and just fill in the blank with the 2-3 most obvious answers - which we know will be right - and all would lead to the same conclusion. It's done. It's over. She ended it. Just as she'll always see you in some way you will never agree with, so too will you see her in ways that she would love to be able to change. That's the psych baggage of getting emotionally invested and then hacking it off.

So why the contact now? It's a combination of things:

1.) She currently does not have a guy that's doing it for her - when a women has cranked IL/Desire for a guy (this is not you) all other guys are more or less forgotten.

2.) This lull has her in search of an attention fix (this is you) until she can find another guy who will drive up her desire.

3.) This lull also has her bored enough to wonder if she can still tool you around - ironically - to reinforce her position that she was right dumping you because you were (...insert reason here...) and thus preempting the bigger feelings of guilt that might come if she doesn't hook up with another guy soon to make her feel more secure again. Put another way, if she plays her cards right she will get you to re-initiate contact, use you for an attention fix, tool you around with indifference/covertness until you falter and then she'll dump you again confirming to herself that you are the one with issues.

Some will say make light contact. If you think you can pull it off and remain indifferent - go for it. But just the fact that you posted tells us (and you) that you are not indifferent (yet). That's okay and to be expected. You were in a relationship. Feelings have been experienced, memories recorded. It typically takes more time than you've indicated to reach this point.

Why wreck where you are now by going backward with your life. You've been moving forward from the day she ended it (you were most likely stuck just before it ended).

Some guys will say to remain silent to punish her and make her wonder. Others will say to get her in your rotation and use her for XYZ until you've moved on or she gets whatever message you're trying to get off your chest.

I just like to think of it differently. Trying any of that stuff with an agenda in mind might make you feel better for awhile but you know it's not what's best for you or her. Plus, you are the man. Just because she ended it doesn't excuse you from a man and taking responsibility to make sure it remains ended - the best way for both parties - moving on. Delete message. Delete phone numbers. Delete emails. Delete addresses. Meet new women. Live your life for a change instead of hers.

 

[NewMan]

You care, otherwise you couldn't have posted.

Don't do it - since there is nothign in it for you. Expect she will play games in order to get your attention - either leaving you messages saying "why are you treating me like this? why don't you call me back" etc. I know mine did.

Keep your head down - and keep doing what your doing.

 

[decades]

she didn't "end" it. she "dumped" you. And from your post you are indeed still smarting over this one. hate to be so blunt but it's for a reason. now she is yanking your chain to see if she can put YOU in her stable, probably as a platonic friend, or a point on a triangle she's got going. You are feeling the after effects of contact (you broke no contact by listening to her VM) and now you are contemplating contacting her again. It's pretty classic break up stuff.

Dude to tell you the truth guys who get dumped rarely are, in a couple of months, in any kind of shape to turn the tables on her. You may be one of those rare guys. But I don't think you've changed all that much in a few months. If you have any doubts you are that kind of Superman, then I would stick to your plan and move forward----without her.

 

[SXS]

there is nothing that you can possibly from this girl that you can't get better with a new girl. You should not make any contacts.
That link with the topic say the whys.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

I'm not going to call her. Upon deliberation, I have nothing to say to her.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Phoenix,
don't call her,you will just learn over again why you broke up....look back on the five years and remember the good bits.

 

[jophil28]

Dear Phoenix,
don't call her,you will just learn over again why you broke up....look back on the five years and remember the good bits.

That is a v. good point Scara. And a great reminder that recontacting an ex will give you little more than a further reminder of why she was not a contender the first time around.

 

[jophil28]

"Hey, just wanted to see you were doing fine, and to observe that...the world is a crazy place. I hope you are doing fine, bye"

Womanspeek translation goes something like this -

" I hope that you are as lonely and lost as I am. I regret breaking up with you. The world is a "crazy" ( lonely and harsh) place and I did not get what/who I wanted after our bustup, so I am testing you to find out whether you would be willing to be my handbag for a while and sooth my loneliness while I continue to scan the landscape for your replacement.. "

Contact that woman at you own detriment. IT does NOT matter what she thinks of you, it only matters what YOU think of yourself and your current life choices.

 

[Boyfriend]

I hope this reaches you in time before you do anything stupid.Remember she left you man, know you must do the same.Yeah it was fun but now IT'S OVER. That chapter is closed. Do not entertain any more thoughts about her, hang in there you'll find another girl.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

There will be no call, no "catching up". Thanks guys

 

[mrRuckus]

Good. No sense in picking at your scab and making it bleed again. Let it scar over, become tough as leather, and wear the learning experience with pride. Except don't show anyone or you'll look like a wuss.

 

[jophil28]

There will be no call, no "catching up". Thanks guys

Here is one final reason for never reconnecting with a woman who dumped you .....

Firstly, remember that she is contacting you because her life without you is less that satisfying. Whatever (or whomever) she headed towards after she left you did not work out, so she is doing a 180 back to you because you are familiar, and in her mind ,controllable .

Additionally, her massive female ego is convinced that you will be so grateful to hear from her again that you will trip over yourself to give her whatever she wants.
Well, whatever she wants is NOT in your interests to provide . She is reconnecting with you only to fill some temporary gap in her life, and when you fill that void and then foolishly start to talk about getting back together, she will dump you all over again..

In a few rare cases, women do regret breaking up with a man, and will make some moves to re-establish the union, but be aware that YOU need to be sure of her genuine desire to do this and you need to be CERTAIN that this is what you really want.