Ex (Husband) still in picture--weird scene...

[Dash Riprock]

I've (42 y.o.) been dating this girl "Toni" (31 y.o.) for about 9 months. All indications from her are very positive--her IL remains very high: good sex, has NEVER broken a date, plenty of affection, interaction, she buys dinner for me, cooks for me, massages, we do road trips, lots of outdoor stuff--it's all good.

[FYI: I've been "student" of the Doc Love program for more than five years which basically says always employ Confidence, (self) Control, and Challenge. I've gotten to the point of where I can employ this in balance and harmony quite easily. I won't elaborate on the details, but I'm not pulling AFC crap with her.]

The dealio is this: Her ex-husband (36 y.o.) is still in the picture BIG TIME. I even know the guy. He works out at my gym and seems like a good guy. He's pretty small and very average looking. Long story short: they dated a few years ago and then got married when it looked like she would lose her citizenship. They got divorced maybe two years ago, but hang out for lunch or dinner every week. They still buy each other xmas and b.d. gifts and to the best of my knowledge, talk and communicate quite a bit.

A few years ago, they would come down to the gym together and workout. I remember watching them interact and thought they were brother and sister by their mannerisms toward each other (and they actually kind of look alike). My gym buddies and I would comment and even nicknamed her "platonic" because their relationship seemed to be not romantic but well, platonic. They seem like "best friends."

I've never said a word or asked about anything about their current relationship. In time, she did fill me in on some of the details (marriage, citizenship deal) without me asking. I just listened, smiled, and commented very little.

The whole thing is just a little weird. I cannot say that I'm all that threatened, but nobody ever wants to get burned either.

You read on this board time and time again that exes are exes for a reason.

BUT...

It is possible to be THAT compatible with someone you were actually married to and not have romantic feelings towards them?

I mean, I've heard of people staying friends after marriage breakups (more and more it seems; ESPN radio host Colin Cower says he talks to his ex-wife every day for 15 minutes and they're still "great friends"), but these two are practically best friends.

**Protecting that heart**

Thoughts?

 

[Phyzzle]

If my memory serves me correctly (and it usually does) you're not actually in a relationship with this girl? I don't know why you care what your f-buddy or friend with benefits does with other guys.

Anyways, this might sound funny, but have you thought of sending an email to Doc Love about that? It's more interesting than 90% of the lame questions he gets. I'd be curious to hear his opinion on being bestest friends with an ex husband, and seeing each other every week.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Phyzzle,

It's a mutually exclusive relationship--not just an F-Buddy thing.

Doc Love's take would be interesting.

 

[Bible_Belt]

He sounds like a beta male afc and nothing to worry about. She is keeping him on the shelf as a safety net, but women tend to do that. Most guys would get jealous over it, but as we know, that is not the way. The best way to keep her interested in you and not him is to keep her interest level high, as it obviously is now. Showing jealousy or insecurity over the ex will erode that IL.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Bible,

Good post.

My thoughts exactly.

Just needed some DJ takes on this to ensure my chi is still in form.

Dash

 

[iqqi]

It doesn't seem to me that it was ever romantic. They have always been best friends, and he just married her to secure her place in the USA.

Nothing to worry about.

I wouldn't even consider that an "ex", really.

 

[MacAvoy]

I think BB is pretty close. Here's my take.

I don't think they were ever in a hot & heavy relationship where she cared for him romantically. They might have had sex but she just did it out of obligation. This guy is a huge AFC and its very likely that they in fact never did have sex. However he hangs around, in hopes that one day he gets lucky.

However I wouldn't totally ignore him. For the most part he's harmless but when your relationship goes south, guess where she's going to go running. In a moment of vulnerability, you never know what might happen. That being said, I don't really know how a better way to deal with it than letting sleeping dogs lie.

The only thing I would suggest is maybe using some b/f destroyers on him, emphasizing his chumpness and suggesting what everyone at the gym thinks of him. But that might backfire as well.

 

[Paradox]

It would also seem to me that she might feel like she owes him something. After all he did save her from deportation. So she gives him attention. Sounds though like he is in the friendzone. Rare that guys escape from there.

She may be keeping him around just in case she needs saving again.

 

[decades]

this has trouble written all over it.

 

[Colossus]

You say you are not pulling "AFC crap with her", but you are dating a woman who sees her ex-husband on a weekly basis. Read that sentence again. You posted about this becasue something doesnt seem right. Regardless of whether or not he is a beta or in the eternal friend zone, dont delude yourself. A lot of women still talk to their exes, and the degree to which you will tolerate that is up to you; but the end is always in the beginning, if you look for it.

 

[paintballz]

well i hope you are much more " hung " then he is or else its :nervous: for you


seriously sounds like it time for you to reevaluate

 

[Luveno]

From what I gather, she did one of the following:

1. Strung along a guy to marry her so that she'd obtain citizenship and then dropped him. This would make him a TOTAL AFC if he's still associating with her.

2. They're actually best friends and got married so that she'd get citizenship, knowing full well it would end in divorce; essentially marriage-on-paper.

The only thing you can do is ask her about their marriage, sex life, etc.

 

[Latinoman]

In my eyes...what she did is not different to what a PROSTITUTE does. A prostitute gives sex for $$$. She gives sex for a Green Card.

 

[Ricco]

So did she get the citizenship or green card? I thought the process of citizenship took 5 yrs min

 

[ZenGodMod]

It wasn't a marriage, it was a business deal. Thier friendship is her gratitude towards him.

He may have had feelings for her, but he resided to accepting the friendzone.

Don't trip over this. If your game is as good as you claim, you have nil problems.