Ex Girlfriend - Stopping me from being at the birth

[MT93]

What’s up guys. Long time since I’ve been a posted on here - still keeping an eye though.

Got a big situation man , well in my opinion.

My girlfriend and I broke up around 3 weeks ago - well she left and moved back to her parents. We had been up and down for some time.

She was 8 months pregnant at the time of moving back home. We agreed to work on it (now with obviously more space) and tried to do so.

It was still difficult - stresses of lockdown and having a baby - life stress etc. We weren’t the perfect couple but there was no infidelity or serious sinister stuff that went down. It would be more bickering and arguing more than anything.

Last week, she grabbed me at breakfast and said we needed to speak (after staying the night)

Number 1 she said - I need to say the baby won’t be coming to your mums when she is born - I don’t like the fact she smokes and the house is quite small.

I didn’t want to argue so explained I would speak with my mom and for the beginning stage would stay with her to support etc

Number 2 she said -we need to speak about the name. Our relationship is quite unstable and I don’t want her having your last name.

Like a knife to the heart - had many plates in my time and fair share of sh1t but this one hurt like no other.

I said I would have to agree to disagree and asked her to leave

There is now 2 weeks of pregnancy left. She hadn’t reached out in about 5 days - I shot her a text last night saying I want to be there and if she can let me know if any developments with labour etc - 0 reply

Called today following some advice from my pals who said as the man to step up - declined the calls and text saying “I will call you when I am ready”

When she left my house she also mentioned about not wanting me at the birth and I have heard from mutual friends she will be taking a family member. I am devastated to be honest.

I know what it’s like to be in a disjointed situation and that’s not what I wanted at all..

Usually quite cool and can handle these situations - struggling with this one though. Extremely difficult to be honest. Hard to not lose my sh1t completely and blast her but I’m trying to avoid that 100%

She holds all the cards right now and I’m very aware of it.

There’s potential for her to have this baby and I may not even know - and the name.....well she could name her absolutely anything and I wouldn’t have a say in it.


help, please!

Thanks in advance.

 

[MT93]

Just to add aswell DJ’S

I would usually search old threads etc and look at Pooks and others information and try to relate it before posting

This is something hugely important to me and something I am struggling with at the moment

Would appreciate any support on this.

Thank you

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Bro I’m sorry but she’s gone. You ****ed up. If she’s prego and doesn’t want you, ain’t even talking to you, she’s gonna raise that child to hate you. She’s a ****ing idiot tbh, and if you aren’t a good dude, she’s still a ****ing idiot for getting involved with oh lol (no offense).

Chalk this up as a loss and accept that you aren’t gonna be in that baby’s life. That child either takes your last name or is as good as dead to you. A child taking a woman’s last name means she’s a fornicatress/adulteress, so she’s basically saying that she cheated on you, even if she didn’t. **** that lol. She’s being an entitled bitch and you shouldn’t want her in your life anyway, just accept that you messed up (she did really but whatever) and that there’s nothing you can do about it. Forget about it and move on.

There is another way though, but it’s too hard to explain, would take too long to explain, you probably wouldn’t do your part as a man since you’d need to change who you are right away (I’m talking a complete overhaul), and in the end, much of it’s success still rests within her compliance/submission to you (which I doubt she’d do). So yeah, I’d suggest going with the first option lol

 

[MT93]

Bro I’m sorry but she’s gone. You ****ed up. If she’s prego and doesn’t want you, ain’t even talking to you, she’s gonna raise that child to hate you. She’s a ****ing idiot tbh, and if you aren’t a good dude, she’s still a ****ing idiot for getting involved with oh lol (no offense).

Chalk this up as a loss and accept that you aren’t gonna be in that baby’s life. That child either takes your last name or is as good as dead to you. A child taking a woman’s last name means she’s a fornicatress/adulteress, so she’s basically saying that she cheated on you, even if she didn’t. **** that lol. She’s being an entitled bitch and you shouldn’t want her in your life anyway, just accept that you messed up (she did really but whatever) and that there’s nothing you can do about it. Forget about it and move on.

There is another way though, but it’s too hard to explain, would take too long to explain, you probably wouldn’t do your part as a man since you’d need to change who you are right away (I’m talking a complete overhaul), and in the end, much of it’s success still rests within her compliance/submission to you (which I doubt she’d do). So yeah, I’d suggest going with the first option lol

Thanks for the reply man.

This is my baby girl though bro. If she leaves then I will have to handle that, but my child??

I don’t deserve this man.

I want to step up to the plate - I want to show that I can be better than what I ever had as a kid.

I feel completely powerless right now

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Thanks for the reply man.

This is my baby girl though bro. If she leaves then I will have to handle that, but my child??

I don’t deserve this man.

I want to step up to the plate - I want to show that I can be better than what I ever had as a kid.

I feel completely powerless right now

Your groveling isn’t gonna with her back. This is exactly why you won’t do well as a father, and she sees that. You have to have your **** together, not stuck living at mum’s. Wake up. Harden up. Tell her you’ll take care of your daughter and that you’ll get your own place too so that your daughter won’t have to inhale the cigarette smoke, but that she takes your last name. Otherwise, she gets no father. And you have to mean it too. Be serious when you tell her. She doesn’t want you there when she gives birth? Fine. But she takes your last name, no games, and you’ll promise to take care of her. And you will.

If you‘re unable to fulfill any of these things, then you’re right that you don’t deserve it—you don’t deserve to be a father.

 

[Dash Riprock]

OP,

Wow, this sounds like a really serious and gut-wrenching matter. I don't know where you live, I'm going to guess and say somewhere in Europe because we don't write/use "mum" here in US. You're also really smart by not blowing up at her. If you did, you may likely NEVER see the kid.

You're right, the woman does hold most (but not all) of the cards here. If it were me, here's what I would do:

1- Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Here in the US, men DO have rights regarding births, and custody/visitation resulting from a divorce. In the US, this is the firm I would recommend: https://cordellcordell.com/. Maybe they're international or there's a firm similar by you. Pay the money for a consultation. Know what your RIGHTS as the biological father are. Regarding being present at the birth, naming, custody, visitation, etc. BUT, keep all this information in your back pocket unless you really need to use it. Don't go to war unless you have no other option.

2- Be as nice as humanly possible to her. You catch far more flies with sugar than salt. Tell her, you don't have to live together, get married, or even be a couple, but you care about her and want to be there to support her. Plus, you feel it will be important to the child as they get older that he/she knows you were both present during the birth. The theme should be support, support, support even if you have to bite your tongue while you do.

3- Don't get dragged into any arguments and try to be "right." Just reply with "I'm sorry you feel that way, what can I do to help?" or similar. Women are highly emotional and change their mind instantly under normal conditions. Add in a super-dose of hormones from being pregnant and all the stress she's been under and the fact she's young and you have the prefect storm for a highly-volatile person. Just be really cool, calm, and supportive for now.

4- Flat-out ask her what you can do to 1) Be there a the birth and 2) Give the baby your last name. Then, if it's doable, show her you're taking actions to move in that direction. Sounds like she has concerns about your maturity and responsibility as a father and man. You may need to take actions on fixing these issues, for your sake as a person.

Good luck.

 

[MT93]

OP,

Wow, this sounds like a really serious and gut-wrenching matter. I don't know where you live, I'm going to guess and say somewhere in Europe because we don't write/use "mum" here in US. You're also really smart by not blowing up at her. If you did, you may likely NEVER see the kid.

You're right, the woman does hold most (but not all) of the cards here. If it were me, here's what I would do:

1- Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Here in the US, men DO have rights regarding births, and custody/visitation resulting from a divorce. In the US, this is the firm I would recommend: https://cordellcordell.com/. Maybe they're international or there's a firm similar by you. Pay the money for a consultation. Know what your RIGHTS as the biological father are. Regarding being present at the birth, naming, custody, visitation, etc. BUT, keep all this information in your back pocket unless you really need to use it. Don't go to war unless you have no other option.

2- Be as nice as humanly possible to her. You catch far more flies with sugar than salt. Tell her, you don't have to live together, get married, or even be a couple, but you care about her and want to be there to support her. Plus, you feel it will be important to the child as they get older that he/she knows you were both present during the birth. The theme should be support, support, support even if you have to bite your tongue while you do.

3- Don't get dragged into any arguments and try to be "right." Just reply with "I'm sorry you feel that way, what can I do to help?" or similar. Women are highly emotional and change their mind instantly under normal conditions. Add in a super-dose of hormones from being pregnant and all the stress she's been under and the fact she's young and you have the prefect storm for a highly-volatile person. Just be really cool, calm, and supportive for now.

4- Flat-out ask her what you can do to 1) Be there a the birth and 2) Give the baby your last name. Then, if it's doable, show her you're taking actions to move in that direction. Sounds like she has concerns about your maturity and responsibility as a father and man. You may need to take actions on fixing these issues, for your sake as a person.

Good luck.

Dash,

Have followed your advice on here for sometime. Thank you for your response, really appreciate it.

I’m from England. Correct.

Usually i would be assertive in this situation. But I am doing as you suggest, trying to give room to breathe and not reacting to anything she may say / imply

Even when she said about the birth and last name I was calm and after discussing briefly asked her to leave.

Right now this is about one thing and one thing only- the baby.
I want to step up and I want to be a good father. This will take precedent

It’s extremely strange situation, one that I have obviously not had to deal with before but it’s hard to handle.

I said to her “sure fine, call me when you are ready” when she does so, I will be straight and say irrespective of what’s happened with me and her , I want to support this baby.

the last name is a big deal to me, it’s my pride. It’s my family name - her suggesting we are unstable shouldn’t really have anything to do with it.

Im still her dad

thanks again

 

[MT93]

You cant punish this woman. Per se.
You cant send her to the guiotine or walk the plank. Not even punch her in the face but YOU CAN banish this lower then you POS out of your kingdom forever. Your call

I think for sure that needs to happen, this isn’t something that can ever be overlooked.

If she doesn’t allow me to the birth etc - forget “seeing” her. It will be difficult to speak to her at all.

 

[Black Widow Void]

This might be pouring gasoline on the fire, but this might get her to think.

You: Starting at very beginning (wishing to exclude me from our child's birth ) it sounds like you are trying to make a statement. If this is your way of stating that you do not wish to co-parent (which includes removing my emotional and financial assistance) say so.
A child is being born. We brought this child into the world. If you believe excluding me from the birth is good for our child and for me, I also may need to re-think some things.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Simp talk. Women do not listen to this.
Negotiating desire at child birth
Her hind brain can give 2 shyts right now.

I don't have a lot of experience with "simps" or identifying with women and their thoughts/feelings.
If you're objective is to claim 'authority' on such topics, you'll get no argument from me.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

This is a tough one.

Talk with a lawyer as Dash suggested. You need to understand your parental rights.

Painful as this is I have to wonder if you are in fact the father. Your parental rights legally will also hinge on that. I’d want to see the birth certificate...

The lawyer can best advise you also about rights surrounding the baby’s name and access to your daughter as the birth is occurring and once she is born.

Women are emotional during pregnancy that is true but I as a woman find it strange that she is stonewalling you this way.

Has it occurred to you that she may allow the child to be adopted at birth? Have you considered this?

The whole thing strikes me as she is hiding something major from you. I know these are terribly upsetting ideas. But they are things you must consider IMO based on her strange behavior.

 

[lamath]

OP,

Wow, this sounds like a really serious and gut-wrenching matter. I don't know where you live, I'm going to guess and say somewhere in Europe because we don't write/use "mum" here in US. You're also really smart by not blowing up at her. If you did, you may likely NEVER see the kid.

You're right, the woman does hold most (but not all) of the cards here. If it were me, here's what I would do:

1- Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Here in the US, men DO have rights regarding births, and custody/visitation resulting from a divorce. In the US, this is the firm I would recommend: https://cordellcordell.com/. Maybe they're international or there's a firm similar by you. Pay the money for a consultation. Know what your RIGHTS as the biological father are. Regarding being present at the birth, naming, custody, visitation, etc. BUT, keep all this information in your back pocket unless you really need to use it. Don't go to war unless you have no other option.

2- Be as nice as humanly possible to her. You catch far more flies with sugar than salt. Tell her, you don't have to live together, get married, or even be a couple, but you care about her and want to be there to support her. Plus, you feel it will be important to the child as they get older that he/she knows you were both present during the birth. The theme should be support, support, support even if you have to bite your tongue while you do.

3- Don't get dragged into any arguments and try to be "right." Just reply with "I'm sorry you feel that way, what can I do to help?" or similar. Women are highly emotional and change their mind instantly under normal conditions. Add in a super-dose of hormones from being pregnant and all the stress she's been under and the fact she's young and you have the prefect storm for a highly-volatile person. Just be really cool, calm, and supportive for now.

4- Flat-out ask her what you can do to 1) Be there a the birth and 2) Give the baby your last name. Then, if it's doable, show her you're taking actions to move in that direction. Sounds like she has concerns about your maturity and responsibility as a father and man. You may need to take actions on fixing these issues, for your sake as a person.

Good luck.

Very good advice.

Specially number 1. Go see a lawyer asap if you have not yet.. You have right and options you probably dont know.




The last name and your mother talk
She want to piss you off, its intentional not sure why however. I think you should think deeply about this aspect it might help you elborte a better strategy.

If she dont want you in babys life know your right pension etc and completely pull away.

She does not deserve anything from you, any help not even moral support.
Doing this might also make her see the reality of being alone with a kids from a different point of view and allow you bck in

 

[thinker]

In these situations I always say get a lawyer and a paternity test. It's good that you are keeping your cool but you also need to act , don't wait around hoping you can talk this out with her, start taking action immediately.

 

[MT93]

I’m going to get legal advice this morning

The only concern from my part is I don’t want it to look as though I am fighting fire with fire. She is back with her parents now, they are quite wealthy - the same parents who kicked her out just last year so she had to move out.

As soon as they throw some money at her , 10% house deposit - top of the range pram etc etc - “they are being supportive”

She will be waited on hand and foot at her parents - I think this could be even more a reason why she is rebelling and is in control of the situation.

I’m not interested in a full on fight with her- as I said this is about my child right now. I think the pain of not seeing her enter the world or at least have a contribution towards the name will affect me forever and that’s concerning.

I do have to agree her actions are strange and in my mind I’m wondering whether there is more to this or not

 

[MT93]

Potential I'm going to get flame for suggesting this, but hear me out....

Is it worth me fighting for this? Not giving up on it? And by fighting I don't mean in the sense of legally but rather explain to her i want to be able to support them both

And i want to be a good father.

I understand, i cannot change how she will react or feel about it, but at least i can hold my head high knowing that I have tried

 

[MT93]

Most likely the parents don't like you and are poisoning her against you. Likewise she hates you even though the child is her fault as well, but she blames you.

So what can i do?

 

[Billtx49]

So what can i do?

Nothing much you can do regarding your presence at the birth other than to respect her wishes beforehand. It’s the only possible before, during, and after the birth respect earning choice you have right now. If you two were married it would probably be a different matter, but right now she owns the ball and it’s in her court.

As others have stated see an attorney regarding child's last name selection because states have different laws concerning that issue, but the most important issue you have right now is if you’re named as baby daddy on the B C and her expectations of any future financial commitments you will have regarding child support, which is also an attorney issue, if this event doesn’t result in a long term marriage.

 

[MT93]

Dude im seriously not trying to be an azzhole if you can believe that or not but....
Negotiating this shyt with women does not work. Im a father of 2 and raised 1 myself.
You will NEVER win a daddy badge of honor by being a good one. Thats the dirty work.
You said yourself her parents are wealthy. She will be taken care off. Do yourself a favor and focus on yourself even with this kid on the way. Your valantry and doo goodery wont get the accolades from her.
I work with a gentleman who is wrapping his whole life around his daughter after a bad breakup. Hopefully he won't regret it later when he is old but don't forget "kids leave too someday"
I would say fck her and focus on your own life.
And do get a flippin test done.

**** man, that’s rough to read. Appreciate that - the horrible thing is. I think this is likely how it is going to pan out on me. Not good

 

[MT93]

Eh you will be fine. Shyt happens. This situation can be salvaged but its going to start with you. If you don't respect yourself this woman and your child won't be able to.

What would you suggest moving forward?

 

[mozarto.o]

Think. Your next move will define most of your life. Besides logical advice like getting a lawyer and a paternity test, the only person who knows best what to do next is you. No one of us has as much information on the matter as you do.
I suggest locking yourself up and giving it a hard think. Besides, people tend to regret less the things that they did on their own free will than those imposed to them or that they did on the advice of others.