Ex - Daughters Mum - Advice. In a low place

[MT93]

Hi All,

I made a decision with myself to only use this place when necessary for the advice you guys give, I am in need right now.

Ex - Daughters mum, told me that this week she will be introducing her new partner to my child - my daughter is 18 months old.

I am feeling a wave of emotion and I wanted to seek some advice on how to deal with this. I am finding it particularly difficult.

1. I have no idea who this man is, his name, his background - nothing
2. She advises me she has been seeing him around 2 months

I am concerned my daughter will become confused and not know who her "Daddy" is. I went to court for my Daughter after she withheld visitation from me - something that I a extremely proud of. And I feel that this guy will be used as a step in daddy.

She assures me she will show a level of respect and not allow him to play the father role (bedtime duties, bath time etc etc, sharing family pictures online) but again this is something I would never be aware of,

Our relationship for the past 2 months (since she has been seeing this guy - supposedly) has been turbulent and very frosty, business like. Lack of communication.

She also advised yesterday that I need to start having my Daughter more than the 2x a week I currently am and if not, "Be prepared for her to be spending more time with me and my new partner"

I am hurting, I am angry, sad, down. A mix of all of the emotions and could really use some tips on how you DJ's would proceed.

I thank you all for reading in advance

MT

 

[Alvafe]

feh, talk with a lawyer about it, what you can and can't do

 

[MT93]

feh, talk with a lawyer about it, what you can and can't do

I understand this approach - I've already spent £4000 on the previous case (which tbf i won)

But this is more from a personal perspective.

thanks for your response.

 

[jimwho]

Be a fun strong healthy supportive dad at all times. She will know very early who her great dad is and which people in her life are idiots. Daughters love their daddies, and if you're a good one it's impossible to screw it up. You'll see.

 

[MT93]

Be a fun strong healthy supportive dad at all times. She will know very early who her great dad is and which people in her life are idiots. Daughters love their daddies, and if you're a good one it's impossible to screw it up. You'll see.

Kind words mate and reassuring to hear this.

I will ensure she knows just how much I love her each time we are together - I always would have done anyway

 

[Stoic]

I went through something similar. I am on the other side of this and my daughter is 5 now. I am proud of how I handled everything to date.
Work 100% on things you can control. Worry 0% of the time on the things you cannot.

Work on your mindset. Do not get too high, too low. Be even keeled with your emotions.

Time to be a rock for your daughter. Make it very rare in which you turn down time with your daughter.

Do not get in draining emotional battles with the ex. Everything is business from here on out. Refuse to get in arguments with the ex. Set fair boundaries and expectations and go from there. Treat the ex as well as possible not because she deserves it, but because its best for your child that you and your ex are civil.

 

[dude99]

Hi All,

I made a decision with myself to only use this place when necessary for the advice you guys give, I am in need right now.

Ex - Daughters mum, told me that this week she will be introducing her new partner to my child - my daughter is 18 months old.

I am feeling a wave of emotion and I wanted to seek some advice on how to deal with this. I am finding it particularly difficult.

1. I have no idea who this man is, his name, his background - nothing
2. She advises me she has been seeing him around 2 months

I am concerned my daughter will become confused and not know who her "Daddy" is. I went to court for my Daughter after she withheld visitation from me - something that I a extremely proud of. And I feel that this guy will be used as a step in daddy.

She assures me she will show a level of respect and not allow him to play the father role (bedtime duties, bath time etc etc, sharing family pictures online) but again this is something I would never be aware of,

Our relationship for the past 2 months (since she has been seeing this guy - supposedly) has been turbulent and very frosty, business like. Lack of communication.

She also advised yesterday that I need to start having my Daughter more than the 2x a week I currently am and if not, "Be prepared for her to be spending more time with me and my new partner"

I am hurting, I am angry, sad, down. A mix of all of the emotions and could really use some tips on how you DJ's would proceed.

I thank you all for reading in advance

MT

If your daughter is spending more time with you this should help in her identifying you as dad.

The more your ex wants to "party". With the new guy the more time your daughter spends with you, and this is what you want.

Detach yourself emotionally from your ex moving forward you are your Daughters father. Period. Your ex is just an ex.

 

[RangerMIke]

@stringpuller is correct. My girls just turned 18, both 4.0 GPAs (in the USA) scholarships to multiple universities. They are good kids, smart funny and well adjusted. This in spite of the fact that their mom is a bat sh1t cray loon. You as the dad just need to double down and be there for your kid and she will turn out fine. More advice.

(1) The fact you care about this is a good thing, it means you care about your relationship with your daughter. Take this and apply it to attention your girl needs from you and you will be fine.

(2) You can't control what your ex does, since you can't control it, then you shouldn't agonize over it. All you can do is control how you respond.

(3) Do not lose emotional self control.

(4) This is not the last time you are going to have to deal with your ex and her BFs.... you need to get used to it. For me... well my kids NEVER meet the women I date, EVER. They know I go out, but I never bring women home when they are with me... keep your sex life separate from you daughter. Don't be like your ex... keep that sh1t separate. Your ex is a moron, you don't introduce your children to people you are dating unless it is getting VERY serious. The fact that your ex thinks this is serious after only 2 months proves she has poor decision making skills. What YOU have to do is double down on being a serious parent, since apparently she can't or won't. YOU NEED TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER'S ROCK that she can anchor to. It's more work for you, but the cost of not doing that will be your daughter mixed up with some worthless dude or dancing on polls.

 

[samspade]

She also advised yesterday that I need to start having my Daughter more than the 2x a week I currently am and if not, "Be prepared for her to be spending more time with me and my new partner"

This is an odd threat but you should take full advantage - increase your time with your daughter.

You can't control certain things and she was bound to start seeing some dude. So do your best to internalize and project VALUE. You're above this guy in the hierarchy, plain and simple. Especially if you're a responsible, loving, fun but serious father. (Serious meaning you sometimes you can't be the fun one for her own good.) Take the lead.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

Hi All,

I made a decision with myself to only use this place when necessary for the advice you guys give, I am in need right now.

Ex - Daughters mum, told me that this week she will be introducing her new partner to my child - my daughter is 18 months old.

I am feeling a wave of emotion and I wanted to seek some advice on how to deal with this. I am finding it particularly difficult.

1. I have no idea who this man is, his name, his background - nothing
2. She advises me she has been seeing him around 2 months

I am concerned my daughter will become confused and not know who her "Daddy" is. I went to court for my Daughter after she withheld visitation from me - something that I a extremely proud of. And I feel that this guy will be used as a step in daddy.

She assures me she will show a level of respect and not allow him to play the father role (bedtime duties, bath time etc etc, sharing family pictures online) but again this is something I would never be aware of,

Our relationship for the past 2 months (since she has been seeing this guy - supposedly) has been turbulent and very frosty, business like. Lack of communication.

She also advised yesterday that I need to start having my Daughter more than the 2x a week I currently am and if not, "Be prepared for her to be spending more time with me and my new partner"

I am hurting, I am angry, sad, down. A mix of all of the emotions and could really use some tips on how you DJ's would proceed.

I thank you all for reading in advance

MT

Proud of you for reaching out and being open to advise.

Let's start with the most important:

Seek professional legal advice - None of us here (or at least that I am aware of) are lawyers. Although your ex sounds amicable and reasonable, always, ALWAYS have your docks in a row. Should things get to that point of child custody, you know what to do and have prepared and taken the necessary actions to win the case in court. Don't wait until that point and lose your daughter because you weren't proactive.

Focus on what YOU CAN control - That is being the best father to your daughter possible. You cannot control who your ex dates or introduces to your daughter. (Granted I am quite impressed and please she waited two months. I've seen moms with newborns ready to date and even take their child to the first date. This tells me she potentially has good judgment and values.) Your ex and especially your daughter need to feel your masculine energy and it is YOUR job to show and make your daughter feel who is her father.

Live your life - Divorces happen, child custody happens, death happens. This is a fact of life, the difference between people that experience a sense of joy and happiness comes to a choice. A simple choice to simply live your life regardless of the events that can take place. Ups and downs are part of, both teach you something. This too will teach you something, if you decide it to be that way. It is your choice.


Modern Man Advice

 

[MT93]

Really appreciate each and every one of you and your responses, I have followed many of you who have responded for a number of years and really appreciate the constructive feedback.

I will take onboard all of the advice given and apply it.

my main priority is ensuring my daughter doesn’t become confused with her only being 18 months I don’t want her to think this new person is her daddy too - I feel if he has any respect (he is a father himself I am led to believe) he wouldn’t encroach on any boundaries - so I will keep that mentality.

as mentioned above the more time I get with my little girl the better.

thank you all so much for your help it is time for me to move on now and understand this will be a new chapter in my life.

reassuring to hear so many of you who have been through similar circumstances and got through the other side

 

[MT93]

What’s up all.
Apologies for chiming back in on this one but have been some developments.

Been nearly a month now since my daughters mum has this new partner.

He has met my daughter and frequently spends time around the place - when I go to pick her up I see his car there - he still has not introduced himself or even attempted to come to the door at exchange - I have specified this is what I want and still hasn’t been done.

I don’t even know this man’s name. Anyhow…..

Here’s the issue, my daughters mum is frequently turning up late - switching days she wants me to have my daughter - telling me she wants picture updates - FaceTime etc when I have my daughter - but never returning the gesture.

I lost frame a couple days ago when she was an hour late and told her if this continues I’ll be dealing with it differently and her boyfriend would know about it too (foolish I know) - I also explained to her she needs to get her priorities right

I’m away in Europe at the moment and have fired a text asking if I can see my daughter on FaceTime whilst I am away (I accepted all of her requests to FaceTime - pictures- updates etc while she was in my care).

To this point I have had 0 reply - I figure I will just have to wait untill I am back home now.

The annoying thing is I accepted all of her requests when my daughter was with me for a few days and now she cannot return the same energy.

Let me know what you all think.

MT

 

[Konada]

I would definitely explore the option of fighting for full custody, according to my limited experience.

Document your visitation frequency and hers, you might be able to make a case that she is not fulfilling her obligations of taking care of her child 5x a week, which is what was agreed.

 

[dude99]

What’s up all.
Apologies for chiming back in on this one but have been some developments.

Been nearly a month now since my daughters mum has this new partner.

He has met my daughter and frequently spends time around the place - when I go to pick her up I see his car there - he still has not introduced himself or even attempted to come to the door at exchange - I have specified this is what I want and still hasn’t been done.

I don’t even know this man’s name. Anyhow…..

Here’s the issue, my daughters mum is frequently turning up late - switching days she wants me to have my daughter - telling me she wants picture updates - FaceTime etc when I have my daughter - but never returning the gesture.

I lost frame a couple days ago when she was an hour late and told her if this continues I’ll be dealing with it differently and her boyfriend would know about it too (foolish I know) - I also explained to her she needs to get her priorities right

I’m away in Europe at the moment and have fired a text asking if I can see my daughter on FaceTime whilst I am away (I accepted all of her requests to FaceTime - pictures- updates etc while she was in my care).

To this point I have had 0 reply - I figure I will just have to wait untill I am back home now.

The annoying thing is I accepted all of her requests when my daughter was with me for a few days and now she cannot return the same energy.

Let me know what you all think.

MT

Well now you know to ignore her requests going forward.

 

[Dash Riprock]

I lost frame a couple days ago when she was an hour late and told her if this continues I’ll be dealing with it differently and her boyfriend would know about it too (foolish I know) - I also explained to her she needs to get her priorities right

This is not losing frame, unless you got overly emotional about it and lost control. You called her out on bad behavior, gave her a chance to change, and discussed ramifications. You actually held frame. Don't call her out and she'll continue with the bad behavior. This is one of the bedrock basic "101" principles of being a solid DJ. NEVER accept bad behavior from a woman without issuing a warning shot. Some guys on SS subscribe to the "don't say anything" stance. No way. Not me. If she, or anyone for that matter crosses my red line, they will hear about it--in a cool, controlled, but firm kind of way.

Another thought is to take her up on the offer to see you daughter more than 2x/week. It will allow you more time to bond with her. Good chance the other guy will be out of the picture at some point. Not all guys want to play daddy to another man's kid(s) or deal with a single mom dynamic.

Good luck and keep us updated.

~Dash~

 

[jimwho]

Be a fun strong healthy supportive dad at all times. She will know very early who her great dad is and which people in her life are idiots. Daughters love their daddies, and if you're a good one it's impossible to screw it up. You'll see.

Your daughter isn't even two. She will not remember any of this. You have two options.
Option one: Torture yourself and make the cesspool ex happy.
Option two: Cruise along, be patient, and covert. As the years pass your kid will tell you all the annoying
Crap your ex does. Be her safe place, her comfort zone. You have a lot of good fun times heading your way.