Ex comes back and tells me something awful

[SoldMySoul]

Indeed it can happen to any of us. Emotional attachment to, and investment in a woman comes to us unbidden and automatically , but is many cases (like yours) it becomes a source of deep suffering instead of the anticipated joy.

I think that we all mostly agreed here that she designed and delivered a nuclear powered mindf*k.
I feel for you brother.

IF I were in your position I would be struggling with several conflicts...Lingering love and desire for her, versus confusion and resentment that she mostly only asked to meet me to deliver that nuclear blast.
AND that is highly likely that she harbors such deep anger toward me that she would INTENTIONALLY go to all that trouble to damage me emotionally.

My mother was right all along when she told me that people tell you what and who they are if you listen to their personal history.

Women who cheat on their husband (and who also lie to their lover) are women who are willing to lie and deceive on a whim. These are women to whom there are no limits, no principles and no restrictions to seeking their immediated goals.

SmS ,you want some advice? Do whatever it takes to destroy/remove/dissolve your "feelings" for this woman.
YOu do not want to stay "in love" neither do you want to encourage or create more anger. You need to achieve indifference, and start that process by going No Contact.








Stay around here for as long as you need.

Thanks Jop! I am struggling with many of those issues you pointed out and this woman continues on with nothing is wrong.

LOGICAL PLAYER, you are very wrong on most of your issues! I agree that I was an AFC and chumpish, but like stated in above posts... It happens to the best of us!

More about me, when I met her I divorced a woman that was a drunk and we were together for about ten years. So when I met the new one, it was nice and refreshing since my wife was crappy. Does make more since now?

My man, I have been coming here a lot longer than you and your posts outnumber mine by a long shot. Leads me to believe you jockey the keyboard more than the game you seem to think you possess.

I did not chose to love a sorry, lying and hurtful woman, it just happened. You cannot tell your heart who to love. Sure I want to just quit loving her and I have tried. Good luck to you and maybe you will not ever be in love since to be so means AFC+Chump+P$ssy.

 

[The Logical Player]

Thanks Jop! I am struggling with many of those issues you pointed out and this woman continues on with nothing is wrong.

LOGICAL PLAYER, you are very wrong on most of your issues! I agree that I was an AFC and chumpish, but like stated in above posts... It happens to the best of us!

More about me, when I met her I divorced a woman that was a drunk and we were together for about ten years. So when I met the new one, it was nice and refreshing since my wife was crappy. Does make more since now?

My man, I have been coming here a lot longer than you and your posts outnumber mine by a long shot. Leads me to believe you jockey the keyboard more than the game you seem to think you possess.

I did not chose to love a sorry, lying and hurtful woman, it just happened. You cannot tell your heart who to love. Sure I want to just quit loving her and I have tried. Good luck to you and maybe you will not ever be in love since to be so means AFC+Chump+P$ssy.

the whole point is, it is YOUR job as a man to completely discontinue any love that you have for had for her once you learned that she is a bad person. Also, you need to understand how miserable you would be right now if she did not have an abortion, you wouldn't exactly be bringing a child into a loving committed family. Instead, the child would be raised by a psycho single mom who gets a paycheck from you every month, and YOU would not be happy about that at all yourself.

So why can't you acknowledge that if she was telling you the truth the other night, that you are happy that she had an abortion and didn't ruin your life?

As for posting, let me just say that I probably spend a grand total of 15 minutes typing on this site, and 15 minutes out of a waking 17 hour day is NOTHING

 

[Mr. Me]

Emotional attachment to, and investment in a woman comes to us unbidden and automatically , but is many cases (like yours) it becomes a source of deep suffering instead of the anticipated joy.

Emotional Attachment can bring that crippling emotional pain when our "Love Object" leaves us, either by exiting the relationship or by death. But note that it's to the degree we've attached ourselves that we became dependent on that person that we suffer. That's what Emotional Attachment is. It's NOT love.

Emotional Attachment makes us dependent to a source outside of ourselves; another human. We become dependent on the outcome of our interactions and situations with her, an outside source we have no control over. We become dependent on how she'll behave. If she behaves nicely, things are good. But when she turns on us, we're wrecked.

It IS possible however, and much healthier, to love someone but staying Emotionally Detached. Then, whatever they do, they do. Whatever happens, happens. And we're okay. Our strings can't be pulled by her. We can walk away.

Doesn't mean we don't have feelings and it doesn't mean it won't suck. It doesn't mean we wouldn't wish it didn't have to go down that way BUT we also won't become the traumatized ex boyfriend if it does.

A married colleague of mine explained it this way: "I love my wife dearly. But if she ever wants to leave, then fine - f@ck her."

I guess everyone disagrees with me that its a blessing that this wh0re had an abortion and didn't make the OP make 216 monthly child support payments?

or does everyone disagree with me that it is UBER-chumpish to love a woman who leads a double life

please, do tell me where I was wrong

In making black or white generalizations about what "everyone" is disagreeing with.
And in believing that her story about being pregnant is true.
Otherwise, I agree with you. The minute he found out she was married and had lied to him, that would've been goodbye.
HOW he could trust ANOTHER word that comes out of her mouth from that point on is beyond me.

Short story: I had an ex that lied to me. I was emotionally attached back then, so I gave her the benefit of doubt. Well, in time, I got wise to her machinations, and finally told her I was onto her. I truly could not put trust into anything she said. She stammered something about how she wasn't trying to pull anything, was completely innocent, had no idea what I was talking about... but you know what? She never came around to try anything again. Well, I did tell her to get lost, but my guess is she knew that the strings were cut and she couldn't play me anymore - and so - there was no point in her doing so anymore.

 

[jophil28]

I am going to start a thread entitled " The top 10 greatest mindf*cks by an Ex."

 

[Heretolearn]

so i guess everyone disagrees with me that its a blessing that this wh0re had an abortion and didn't make the OP make 216 monthly child support payments?

or does everyone disagree with me that it is UBER-chumpish to love a woman who leads a double life

please, do tell me where I was wrong

'I have not seen your other posts, just this one. Great post.

Completely agree. Your method is quite harsh though which is the only issue. Of course OP and all of us would disconnect immediately if we could but alas some of us are not built that way.

The next post is the missing piece to make your replies more palatable

Hope you keep posting though.

THanks

 

[jophil28]

Short story: I had an ex that lied to me. I was emotionally attached back then, so I gave her the benefit of doubt. Well, in time, I got wise to her machinations, and finally told her I was onto her. I truly could not put trust into anything she said. She stammered something about how she wasn't trying to pull anything, was completely innocent, had no idea what I was talking about... but you know what? She never came around to try anything again. Well, I did tell her to get lost, but my guess is she knew that the strings were cut and she couldn't play me anymore - and so - there was no point in her doing so anymore.

Mr Me...I was in a similar situation a few years ago, and I also "gave her the benefit of the doubt" after she did a really sh*tty thing.
However, instead of her appreciating my tolerance (which I naively believed that she would do ) she kicked off a campaign of disrespect, lying, mindgames and flirting with other guys.
I hung in there hoping that she would somehow pass though this "phase" but her bad behavior overtook her fun behavior and we deteriorated into a few months of petty bickering ,breakups and makeups...until we reached the crash site.
SO why didn't I just dump her when she first f*cked up ?
Good question ..
I realise now that the problem was NOT that I was emotionally attached.. I believe that we have little control over how our feelings develop and how we attach to others. In fact I am horrified at any proposal that we need to develop 'control' over our feelings in order to regulate them because that defeats the essence of the joy of emotional spontaneity.
Rather I was willing to stay with that woman because I had not done the work with myself to ensure that I had a clear list of dealbreakers. I also had not considered or rehearsed any exit strategies should a woman act so poorly that she violated one or more of the verboten acts on my list.
So when that particular woman started acting badly I was blindsided ...stuck dumb and paralysed . The best I could manage was a few angry outburts followed by my storming off for a week or two. I had previously enjoyed harmonious relationships with most women that I had as LTRs.
Anyways, typically this nutjob would call me two weeks later, all sweetness and light, and we typically 'made up'... and, yep, a few weeks later we repeated the same drama all over again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

IF I could rewind and replay that same movie today, I know that I would develop that same emotional attachment to that particular woman, BUT now I have a clear set of limits and boundaries, and I have (thanks to MM) well rehearsed exit strategies.

 

[Heretolearn]

Emotional Attachment can bring that crippling emotional pain when our "Love Object" leaves us, either by exiting the relationship or by death. But note that it's to the degree we've attached ourselves that we became dependent on that person that we suffer. That's what Emotional Attachment is. It's NOT love.

Emotional Attachment makes us dependent to a source outside of ourselves; another human. We become dependent on the outcome of our interactions and situations with her, an outside source we have no control over. We become dependent on how she'll behave. If she behaves nicely, things are good. But when she turns on us, we're wrecked.

It IS possible however, and much healthier, to love someone but staying Emotionally Detached. Then, whatever they do, they do. Whatever happens, happens. And we're okay. Our strings can't be pulled by her. We can walk away.

Doesn't mean we don't have feelings and it doesn't mean it won't suck. It doesn't mean we wouldn't wish it didn't have to go down that way BUT we also won't become the traumatized ex boyfriend if it does.

A married colleague of mine explained it this way: "I love my wife dearly. But if she ever wants to leave, then fine - f@ck her."



In making black or white generalizations about what "everyone" is disagreeing with.
And in believing that her story about being pregnant is true.
Otherwise, I agree with you. The minute he found out she was married and had lied to him, that would've been goodbye.
HOW he could trust ANOTHER word that comes out of her mouth from that point on is beyond me.

Short story: I had an ex that lied to me. I was emotionally attached back then, so I gave her the benefit of doubt. Well, in time, I got wise to her machinations, and finally told her I was onto her. I truly could not put trust into anything she said. She stammered something about how she wasn't trying to pull anything, was completely innocent, had no idea what I was talking about... but you know what? She never came around to try anything again. Well, I did tell her to get lost, but my guess is she knew that the strings were cut and she couldn't play me anymore - and so - there was no point in her doing so anymore.

Great post!

The difference between hollywood and reality!

 

[SoldMySoul]

Great post!

The difference between hollywood and reality!

Great point of views from all, even though some may be harsh and a tough pill to swallow. There had been disrespectful women I have dated in the past and was able to kick them to the curb. For some unexplainable reason I was attached to this one and I should have long rid myself of her before I was too deep.

 

[Phyzzle]

There was a girl in my hometown who had pulled this **** a few years ago. Unfortunately, she had not taken into account that the guy had very severe mental issues of his own. He became so enraged over the purported abortion that he knocked her out and nearly beat her to death. It was a source of much drama for the next few months.