Entering the Sexual Trance

[Illuminatus]

This post is for guys who experience the issue of getting a girl home then not being able to be sexual himself, get a hardon, get into the sexual emotions of the moment, and so forth. This post is about entering the sexual trance, and more importantly perhaps, removing the barriers that prevent you entering the sexual trance.

I've posted on a few pickup scenes in the past, under various names. This is my first post on SoSuave however.

I am posting this because threads such as "Low sex drive", "Can't enjoy receiving oral sex" and "Couldn't get hard" seem to be a recurring theme amongst a significant subset of men, particularly in the seduction/pickup community, and that is who this post is for.

I have a lot to say here, as it was something I faced myself (and overcame), and also because this issue is really at the heart of many other issues people face relating to anxiety, states of overthinking, and so forth.

Now this post is LONG. But if you are suffering the issues discussed, you should read the entire thing, as it really will help you nail it once and for all.

In the past, I had all of these problems, with any new girl I ever slept with, including my first girlfriend. I shortcutted having to handle it in the early years by ordering boatloads of generic Viagra from India. This marked the beginning of my fascination with drugs.

If I had slept with any girl a few times however, I could then go without the Viagra. So something was happening in my brain while spending more time with a specific girl that allowed me to enter the sexual trance.

It turned out that what was happening was not so much that I was increasing my ability to enter the sexual trance -- rather that by spending more time with a particular girl I was removing the barriers to entering the sexual trance.

You see, if we just talked about how to enter the sexual trance, we would fail to discuss the bigger issue of what else is going on in someone's mind preventing them from entering the sexual trance.

By the way, I believe MANY women also suffer from this. Since they don't have to get a hardon to have sex, the signs aren't as overt. Inability to orgasm is the most obvious sign in women. It is the tension caused by some anxiety which prevents them from entering the sexual trance to a point where orgasm is easy.

When a woman is in the sexual trance however, you can see it easily. A woman who is in the trance is almost like she is on drugs and is sensuous and compliant and swept away in a flood of passion, one who is not in the trance is cold and resistant and non-reactive to sexual stimulus.

For good sex to occur, you both need to be in the sexual trance, and entering it is more straightforward than you may think. For sexual trance to occur there are two steps:

1) Removing barriers preventing sexual trance
2) Initiating sexual trance


REMOVING BARRIERS TO SEXUAL TRANCE

This is almost entirely a matter of thresholds regarding how easily you become anxious. Anxiety kills the possibility of sexual trance. The reason for this is based in our old friends the sympathetic nervous system (SNS -- "fight or flight") and the parasympathetic nervous system (PSNS -- "rest and digest"). Put succinctly, sexual arousal occurs during activation of the PSNS. Sexual stimulation then gradually ramps up the SNS state ending in orgasm which is a full expression of the SNS, with an immediate return to the PSNS state post-orgasm.

Think about being alone with your partner, having a bottle of wine to start relaxing (artificially kickstarting the PSNS; hence why alcohol is so effective), gazing into one another's eyes and dropping into sexual trance with breathing becoming deeper (full activation of the PSNS), starting to touch and play with each other (gradual rising into SNS), then starting to have sex slowly (higher ramping up into the SNS state), then starting to have sex like animals, and finally coming as the total expression of SNS. As I have said in previous discussions of PSNS/SNS, while in a PSNS state, SNS stimulation feels GOOD. While already in an SNS state, further SNS stimulation feels PAINFUL.

Starting off in SNS at the first stage will completely kill your ability to be sexually aroused. Imagine running 10km then trying to get a hardon immediately after. It isn't going to happen.

Yet all these guys who can't get into a sexual trance are doing just that: trying to be sexual while in an SNS state. Now let's look at why they're in an SNS state. These things will be the biggest piece of the puzzle for guys who struggle with entering the sexual trance, getting a hardon etc.

All of these points tie in to thresholds. So different guys have different thresholds for what will result in an SNS activation. What events you have set as "safe" and as "threat" in your mind, etc. In my experience, if you are prone to anxiety anyway, pretty much all the below things will put you into an SNS state whereby sexual arousal is next to impossible.

- The environment. If you are in a loud, noisy nightclub, is that going to be conducive to sexual trance? No. Loud noise and lots of people is a major SNS/anxiety activator for many people. It is just about the most unnatural environment I can think of. Some guys are okay in clubs though. They don't get freaked out. These are the guys who pull. But what about the guys who DO get freaked out? They take lots and lots and lots of alcohol to drown out their SNS and artifically enforce a PSNS state. Then they can't enter sexual trance because all the alcohol is just making them want to go to sleep. Druggies fare better, especially on amphetamine class drugs, but the point is still that this environment is not conducive to sexual trance, and that drugs and alcohol are circumventions, hence why they are so commonly used in such environments. In a typical English nightclub, all the girls are trollied as well as the guys, for this very reason. The most reliable indication of whether you are SNS in a nightclub or not is whether you get a hardon while dancing with or kissing a girl. If you consistently don't get a hardon, you are not entering the sexual trance, even when kissing or touching a girl.

- Getting the girl home. Let's say you get her out of the noisy environment (or date, or whatever) and take her home, and you aren't too drunk to enter sexual trance. Why is it that you still can't do it? Well there are a few things that might be going on here:

i) You aren't giving yourself time to drop into the sexual trance. For me personally, in the early days this was because I didn't know about sexual trance. I think this is actually a MAJOR issue among guys having difficulty. I just expected it to "work". I didn't know about stress, and unwinding, and finding a rhythm and a mutual enjoyment and a two-way emotional information exchange with the girl. I saw foreplay as something to be "barrelled through" to get to the "actual sex". I didn't realize it's one long dance. For this, I completely blame patriarchal male-orientated TV shows who are too afraid to delve into the subtlety and nuances of sex and therefore write sex in terms of the conquest of women. I think framing sex as conquest is one of the dumbest, most harmful things a young male mind can be exposed to. It objectifies women and blinds you to the nuances of the sexual dance.

ii) You are being affected by the pressure to perform you have placed on yourself. When a young guy is having sex with a new girl, he isn't just having sex with her. He's having sex with his own ego for his "conquest", with his friends for what a cool dude he must be, with his parents for proving he can procreate, with the girl for conquering her, with the guys on the Internet that he intends to write a field report for later, and so on. What this amounts to is a constant cycling of imagery through the young man's mind of everything EXCEPT actually entering a sexual trance and having something resembling natural sex with the girl. There is also the pressure the young man creates for himself such as "I've brought her back home; she is expecting sex", especially if he has been making out with her in the club, or has brought her home from some other date under the implicit agreement that sex will be happening. In this instance the man will create imagery of himself failing in order to remind himself "what not to do". So the imagery and thoughts the man creates activate the SNS in ways he cannot begin to comprehend.

iii) Guilt/shame about sex. Negative images arising in one's mind in connection to sex, which activate the SNS by the same process of anxiety. Common amongst those with religious or conservative upbringings.

 

[Illuminatus]

Entering the Sexual Trance (cont.)

So, in summary, the barriers to entering a sexual trance are a combination of the following:

- Overstimulation of the SNS from the environment -- e.g. too many people around, loud noise, etc.
- Failing to allow time to unwind from any SNS state before attempting to enter sexual trance.
- Artificial pressures created by ego or shame, which generate negative imagery, which in turn triggers the SNS hardcore.
- Too much alcohol or other drugs messing with the natural order of one's own functioning.

These first three are all forms of the anxiety response. Anxiety is basically the only barrier to entering the sexual state, besides genuine SNS concerns such as just having run 10km.

Now it's important to understand that the points above operate on thresholds. Different guys have completely different thresholds. Having a crowd around them won't stop some guys getting aroused. It's not triggering their anxiety alarm bells. It's not activating the SNS as much so as to stop sexual arousal.

Regarding alcohol, some guys can drink lots of alcohol and still get aroused. Alcohol affects different people in different ways.


Now that we've identified the barriers, here is the concise way to overcome them:

- Allow time for yourself to enter the sexual trance, especially if you are new to sex. Allow a lot of time, and take things slow.

- To overcome ego pressures creating anxieties, such as performance anxiety, I recommend the following, which I have done myself:

a) Resign yourself to the fact you are going to mess it up. Decide you will tell all your friends exactly what happened. Decide you will be a loser, and it doesn't matter, and that you're going to just try and enjoy yourself no matter what. Put yourself into a learning mode. Hey presto, ego gone, you can enter sexual trance. You have to actually mean it though.

b) If your anxiety is due to shame, understand that you will likely have to deprogram yourself from shame which is a complex area entirely, and which I cannot really go into here. An alternative is to have sex in a relationship aligned with your beliefs, in order that shame does not arise. This is dependent on how strictly your religion or beliefs penalize sexuality. If you're Catholic or Muslim, don't be surprised if you can never find circumstances where sex feels good or right. Again, look into deprogramming. Anyone wanting to learn more about this needs to start up a new thread, although I'm not sure which board that would go on here, because I am new to SoSuave and there don't seem to be many posting guidelines about.

c) Actually just go to sleep with the girl and wake up in the morning when you have morning wood, and when you're too groggy to have that little voice in your ear whispering "Don't mess it up you loser!" or other negative, SNS-inducing thoughts, and then shag her now before the distractions arise.

- Don't drink too much or take too many drugs.

If all else fails, take Viagra. Really, it is amazing stuff. I recommend buying generic off the Internet (Kamagra is a good one). For young men, 16-25, take a quarter of a pill 40 minutes before shagging. That will last you at least 10 hours, literally. Contrary to popular belief, you don't get a hardon immediately on Viagra; it responds to sexual stimulation, and works in spite of an SNS state. Older guys, take half a pill. Really old guys, you might need a whole pill. Just experiment till you get the dosage right.

Of course, by taking Viagra you are cheating yourself out of all the personal growth you could achieve through revealing your anxieties and negative beliefs to yourself and learning to relax and so forth that you would have got had Viagra not existed.


ENTERING SEXUAL TRANCE

Now that we have the barriers out of the way, let's talk about actually entering the sexual trance -- for you AND your partner. Your partner should be doing these things to you as well, and if she isn't, you should show her by saying "Touch me like this", or simply finding a partner who is good at this and does it anyway.

Simple things, really.

- Relax (PSNS). Massage and things will help this if you really have problems relaxing.

- Eye contact - holding her gaze, allowing the tension to be there. I would say good, long, seductive eye contact is the key to dropping you both into sexual trance, and the key to giving a woman great, easy orgasms too.

- Lots of light touching and stroking. Non-sexual areas first. Hands, arms, legs, face, hair, etc. I think light rhythmic stroking is probably the easiest way I've experienced to drop into sexual trance.

- Not diving in too fast. Letting tension build.

- Kissing etc., but making sure you retain tension.

- All the next stuff, but making sure you retain tension.

Putting yourself and your partner into sexual trance is essentially:
1) Framing it as light, playful, mutual fun (removing barriers and pressures to perform -- you are in this together for mutual enjoyment and it should be FUN).
2) Retaining tension in everything you do, whether it be stroking, kissing, or shagging. I cannot emphasize this enough.

How do you know if you have tension? You will FEEL it as a pleasant pulling sensation in your abdomen. If you are feeling it, your partner is feeling it too. If tension is there, you can make women orgasm very easily. If it's not there, because you're too scared to hold it, or because you don't know what it is, it will be almost impossible to make women orgasm.

 

[sexysuave]

Thanks for sharing your knowledge. Some interesting stuff here.

 

[Die Hard]

Nice post!