First off let me say thanks for all the help on this forum. I posted awhile back and am back for more help. I have a question I have been struggling with and wanted to post. My GF of 2 years left me a couple months ago. I know why, she moved to my city to be with me, I became supplicating, she lost interest, telling me I lacked passion for her and for life. Things were going bad and I did all I can to "fix" it, pushing her away. Classic. I went no contact with her after the breakup, and now she is hitting me up all the time, on AIM (I need it for work so can't not sign on), texting, and lately begging me to videochat. I talked to her the first time last night. She complains of being depressed, saying she thought she wanted to be single but now wants to be in love. She never mentions wanting ME back though, saying that something was missing when we were together. But says she wants to be in love with someone, to have that feeling of being completely in love. She also complains that I don't fight for what I want (referring to herself I assume) and asks me why I've been so "dry",how could I walk away and be happy so easily, and asks why I haven't contacted her once since the breakup. I told her I'm moving on with my life and can't dwell on her, dont have rooom for people that aren't interested in me, etc. She accuses me of never caring. My question to you is how to come out of no contact and keep the interest level high? How do I respond to questions about why I've been so cold? (I have been busy, but its still not like me to just flat our ignore pples texts) Her telling me that she is depressed but not implicating that me missing from her life is the reason is somewhat disheartening. I HAVE been working on myself and focusing on my business and health, making positive changes in my life, and living for me instead of her. I realize my mistakes, and its textbook how her reactions towards me changed as I became more supplicating to her needs, breaking under the sh!ttests. I do have other options so its not like I'm desperate. However, I do want her back if we can reframe the relationship, as I believe in our connection. I can get laid and have the plates spinning, thats not the issue. What is the best way to address why I haven't been in touch without bringing up the fact that really emotionally I wasnt ready and I also wanted to give her space to miss me. Any advice would be appreciated, as I know your all busy.
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ending no contact
- Thread starter mmk
- Start date
I broke up with my GF 2 months ago it was a 2 year 3 month relationship and she too moved to my city. She contacted me by email 2 weeks after breakup.. explaining herslef and apologizng and if something can happen in the future.. I never responded
2 months later she contacted me again on facebook... too see how I was.. and that now she is up here.. I never responded it was 4 days ago..
I want to be in love.. and I like the feeling but honestly If I get back together with her Im a piece of ****..
IF THEY LEFT US.. WTF WOULD WEEEEE GOO BACK!!!
You can get better girls out there... there is no such thing as THE ONE!!
If you really want her back read, "The magic of making up" (search it on google)
But I suggest you tell her that you cannot have people like her in your life again,.,,
2 months later she contacted me again on facebook... too see how I was.. and that now she is up here.. I never responded it was 4 days ago..
I want to be in love.. and I like the feeling but honestly If I get back together with her Im a piece of ****..
IF THEY LEFT US.. WTF WOULD WEEEEE GOO BACK!!!
You can get better girls out there... there is no such thing as THE ONE!!
If you really want her back read, "The magic of making up" (search it on google)
But I suggest you tell her that you cannot have people like her in your life again,.,,
Ok, where to start...
The fact that you have allowed her to tell you how she depressed feels leads me to believe you played the role of her shrink in your convos. Then she starts critizing you and you actually let it get to you (you're talking about it so it must've had some effect on you). This is no good. Anytime she starts talking about her problems you must ignore it and act dismissive or you will automatically lose value.
Then you ask what is a good excuse for why you haven't contact her. Well obviously its because you wanted to move on. You saw no use in clinging to her so you moved on with your life. So you must be honest with issue. Dont go making up stories like you found someone better or your phone fell in the toilet.
All in all, by listening to her problems and talking about your relationship, you have in effect become her tampon again and erased all the work done by the no contact.
Stop taking her seriously, treat her like your bratty little sister, show her you don't care, because you don't.
The fact that you have allowed her to tell you how she depressed feels leads me to believe you played the role of her shrink in your convos. Then she starts critizing you and you actually let it get to you (you're talking about it so it must've had some effect on you). This is no good. Anytime she starts talking about her problems you must ignore it and act dismissive or you will automatically lose value.
Then you ask what is a good excuse for why you haven't contact her. Well obviously its because you wanted to move on. You saw no use in clinging to her so you moved on with your life. So you must be honest with issue. Dont go making up stories like you found someone better or your phone fell in the toilet.
All in all, by listening to her problems and talking about your relationship, you have in effect become her tampon again and erased all the work done by the no contact.
Stop taking her seriously, treat her like your bratty little sister, show her you don't care, because you don't.
A) Use paragraphs when you post, makes it a lot easier to read.
B) So you're not talking at all?? I'm inferring from your message that you've actually had a conversation with her?
C) What are you doing now that's different? How are you going on with your life? What cool stuff are you doing?
Sounds like you are still very emotionally affected by this woman. That makes going off NC very dangerous for you. As soon as you start feeling that connection your inner-wuss is going to start rearing its head and go back to your old ways. Even how you're writing about her in your message is showing that it's there just waiting to jump back center-stage.
To your question "How do I respond to being so cold?" -- Why do you need to respond to that? Why is it important? Isn't that just supplicating to information she wants? You broke up, you moved on, not sure why it requires some explanation.
The problem from what I'm reading in your message is that you might be confusing interest with a need for closure. You didn't' say she wants to get together and see you or alluded to that. My best guess is right now she's confused, she thought you were going to be affected big time and be whining, begging, and basically being the model afc, which would have justified her decision and given her clean closure. Since you didn't, now her ego is hurt and she's confused if she made the right decision because you never validated it as being the right decision HOW DARE YOU!!! hahahahaha
I think you need to give it a little more time myself. It seems all she's currently looking for is a way to fix her ego problem because you didn't turn into a big heaping pile of wussy-sh!t.
TC
B) So you're not talking at all?? I'm inferring from your message that you've actually had a conversation with her?
C) What are you doing now that's different? How are you going on with your life? What cool stuff are you doing?
Sounds like you are still very emotionally affected by this woman. That makes going off NC very dangerous for you. As soon as you start feeling that connection your inner-wuss is going to start rearing its head and go back to your old ways. Even how you're writing about her in your message is showing that it's there just waiting to jump back center-stage.
To your question "How do I respond to being so cold?" -- Why do you need to respond to that? Why is it important? Isn't that just supplicating to information she wants? You broke up, you moved on, not sure why it requires some explanation.
The problem from what I'm reading in your message is that you might be confusing interest with a need for closure. You didn't' say she wants to get together and see you or alluded to that. My best guess is right now she's confused, she thought you were going to be affected big time and be whining, begging, and basically being the model afc, which would have justified her decision and given her clean closure. Since you didn't, now her ego is hurt and she's confused if she made the right decision because you never validated it as being the right decision HOW DARE YOU!!! hahahahaha
I think you need to give it a little more time myself. It seems all she's currently looking for is a way to fix her ego problem because you didn't turn into a big heaping pile of wussy-sh!t.
TC
Awesome responses thank you. Sorry for not parsing my post into paragraphs, I posted from work and just banged it out.
We DID have a conversation, she called and its been a couple months and I picked up. We were keeping it light and she started breaking up crying. I didn't act overly concerned but did ask what was bothering her, its only human! When she was speaking about being unhappy in our relationship I told her the space we've had made me realize I hadnt been happy either.
I have realized I am still emotionally affected by her too and prob need to give it more time. She HAS alluded to coming to see me, several times, so things are confused since she never mentions actually getting back together. She's was also talking about coming back to the city for a job.
In regards to what Im doing with myself, I am finally taking care of some long term health issues. I joined a gym and a personal trainer buddy wrote me up a whole program. I am working on my side business that will hopefully replace my 9-5 (gonna take time).
It's fashion week here in NYC so I've been going to a lot of parties as I have friends that promote, and I have a couple of trips planned that I had been putting off for a number of reasons. She actually wanted to meet the last weekend of the month but I told her Ill be out west so she knows Im not resting on my laurels.
We DID have a conversation, she called and its been a couple months and I picked up. We were keeping it light and she started breaking up crying. I didn't act overly concerned but did ask what was bothering her, its only human! When she was speaking about being unhappy in our relationship I told her the space we've had made me realize I hadnt been happy either.
I have realized I am still emotionally affected by her too and prob need to give it more time. She HAS alluded to coming to see me, several times, so things are confused since she never mentions actually getting back together. She's was also talking about coming back to the city for a job.
In regards to what Im doing with myself, I am finally taking care of some long term health issues. I joined a gym and a personal trainer buddy wrote me up a whole program. I am working on my side business that will hopefully replace my 9-5 (gonna take time).
It's fashion week here in NYC so I've been going to a lot of parties as I have friends that promote, and I have a couple of trips planned that I had been putting off for a number of reasons. She actually wanted to meet the last weekend of the month but I told her Ill be out west so she knows Im not resting on my laurels.
squirrels
Master Don Juan
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No contact means no contact.
You are soon to be a buff business-owner who mingles with the NYC jet-set crowd. Why would you introduce a problem into this scenario by dealing with a woman who already left you once?
Tears are a powerful emotional manipulation tool, aren't they?
You are soon to be a buff business-owner who mingles with the NYC jet-set crowd. Why would you introduce a problem into this scenario by dealing with a woman who already left you once?
Tears are a powerful emotional manipulation tool, aren't they?
You said it right. She is lonely and misses being in love. That doesnt mean she misses you. Maybe she does though. When ex's come back to me, I fvck them, but never get back in a relationship. I would assume she's trying to get you back. Its up to you whether to follow through or not. Generally, its a bad idea, though.
I agree its a bad idea. Like I said, I am out there talking to other people, and Im trying not to get oneitis, and honestly it hasnt been that hard. I am enjoying being single and doing whatever I feel like doing, whenever I feel like doing it. It does feel good to talk to her, and I forgot to mention she tells me about dreams she has of us having sex and things like that. The mixed signals are definitely frustrating. She sends me topless pics and stuff too. For a time we had a great connection. Alot of external forces (being away from family/friends for her) pulled us apart. I am intrigued by the challenge, but dont want to be strung along until she finds a new d!ck to jump on...
Any body have experience in this? Did it EVER work out positive?
Any body have experience in this? Did it EVER work out positive?
Im in the exact situation right now. Havent talked to the ex for a month n a half, then out of the blue she sends me a text. It's been just over a day, im debatting on whether to resond or not. I would like to turn her into an FB. We broke up because i stopped my behaviour that got her hooked. Im much stronger as a person now than i was at the end of the deal. So i guess well just have to see where this goes.
And obviously it can work out positively, I know people who have worked it out and gotten married, although that took years. But the point is, never say never, and keep yourself your biggest priority.
And obviously it can work out positively, I know people who have worked it out and gotten married, although that took years. But the point is, never say never, and keep yourself your biggest priority.
thanks. It's just hard because you know this person so well, go no contact which is the best thing to do move on, but if they contact you in a friendly manner its hard not to respond since thats the natural thing to do with someone you are/were close with. Finding the right balance is difficult without effing it up.
any more input is appreciated
any more input is appreciated
mmk said:
Wow i feel the exact same way, I dont like ignoring people, I think its rude. But if its whats best for YOU, then it must be done.
I think finding the proper balance, not only in dating but in life in general, is of utmost importance.
But, so what if you mess up? who cares? - thats what took me so long to actualyl realize. I was pretending to not care, to act like this, do that. But although it worked for a while, in the end old behaviour came through and ruined me.
So ive worked very hard on my inner game, and have become quite strong. I have great confidence which is key and i dont care what other people think.
In regards to No Contact, I think it is necessary when you dont have enough control over yourself. you need to cut contact when you dont have the power to stop thinking about a girl and cant control your actions. I think ive come to a point where I am currently beyond the need for no contact. I think im stronger than the need to cut contact with anyone. And thus is why I think I will respond to my ex.
I am in control of myself. I put my best interest first. I stay as positive as I can. I dont let things bother. If you dont think you have complete control over yourself, then keep up the No contact, otherwise you could end up in another world of hurt.