Ended my 1.5 year LTR

[Colossus]

Yep, even mods have breakups

I broke up with my gf of 1.5 years last week. This was actually the 3rd time I had tried to break up with her; the first two were "soft" breakups that she talked me out of and naturally things reverted right back to the way they were. This time I had to sack up and weather her tears and pleas, my own guilt, and go through with it.

She was actually a great girl. Very attractive, in shape, selfless, organized, industrious, not afraid to get outside and get dirty. We had a lot of fun, but mostly in the beginning.

She was 33, and had been married once before for about 4 years. It was a legitimate divorce (he had dangerous anger issues), but like any divorce there is ALWAYS two sides to the story. It always struck me as odd that she never took anything away about herself from that marriage. The whole thing was about him and his unwillingness to change---which was true, but she never looked at herself. Red flag. As we got on in the relationship I started to see why things may have gone bad with her ex-husband. She had way of pushing buttons with her mouth. Very sarcastic, accusatory.

The doubts crept in for me about a year ago when we went to Costa Rica for a trip. These doubts never fully resolved, and 1 year later, things had only gotten worse between us. I really stuck it out because she had some great qualities and our beginning was so positive. The first 3-4 months we were together I really thought I may have found the girl I would marry. As I learned, though, that time period is an unreliable indicator of future success. You are too caught up in commonalities and freshness. Eventually the differences float to the surface and make themselves known, until such point they demand attention.

To make a long story short we ended up being quite different in some key ways. We were ALWAYS having to explain ourselves, our actions, our intentions, and even our jokes (which sucks). We would make small strides in our communication then be dealing with some other issue a week later. It just got old.

This was all complicated by the fact we both contracted herpes very early in our relationship, like one day apart. Neither one of us had ever had an outbreak, and her last sexual partner was almost 6 months past. I suspect I got it from a fling I had a couple months before her, but we'll never know. It is what it is. Honestly if it weren't for this I would have ended it months ago, but you hold on when you have a modifier such as this. My casual sex days are over; I cant just go out and bang whomever I wish. All my future sex is going to be from within a committed relationship--which I'm fine with--I've had tons of sex and laid dozens of women. But it is a game changer.

It was a very tough call, I was on the fence about it for months. Talked to my good friends, my dad, my aunt...and they all confirmed what my gut had been telling me. It hasnt been too emotional for me because I had already pulled back on an inner level, and I knew it was the right thing to do.

Things I took away from this one:

-Be very wary of women who ascribe past relationship failings wholly on the guy. They'll be the same in your relationship.

-Never date a girl that you are in the fence about looks-wise. You'll never fully get over it.

-Dont let commonalities overshadow one or two glaring differences (i.e. communication styles, humor, etc.)

-All LTRs take work, but it should NEVER be a daily grind. Know when to draw the line.

-STDs can happen to anyone, regardless of protection or perceived "carefulness". No joke.

-If your family is on the fence about her or lukewarm at best, heads up. They probably see something you dont.

-Selfishness serves a purpose from a DJ perspective, but will not float an LTR forever. You gotta compromise and let go of your wants sometimes.

-Be wary of women who have been married. They all have some baggage...just tread carefully.



That's about it gents. Not much to do now except get back in the saddle and not mope.

 

[cordoncordon]

C you did the right thing. I know it is hard but this relationship did not sound like it was healthy for either one of you. Keep your chin up, which it sounds like you are, and something better will find you.

Your relationship actually sounds like my last relationship before the one I am in now. Was always a struggle. We were together 4 years but I was never 100% attracted to her physically, and mentally we were on different wave lengths, for example to the point where she never got my jokes, same as you said. Bickered a lot too. Funny though, within a month of breaking up with her, I found my now present day fiance' (3 years together) and its like night and day. My perfect ideal physically, sexually (still have sex 5-7 times a week) and mentally we could not be more compatible. Truly are best friends. I guess my point is, I fought and fought to save the previous relationship, and in the end it was all pointless. You know when you are in a bad or toxic relationship, and when you are in a good one. The good ones are easy. Just go with your gut.

Best of luck.

Pic of fiance'>http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/225/rosejeans.jpg/

 

[Colossus]

Lookin' good cordon!

Thanks for the encouraging words. Congrats on a happy LTR as well. Being a DJ is all about finding happiness with women without sacrificing your masculinity.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Tough luck about the herpes part, but I'm glad you shared that. The virus is quirky. It sounds like one of you had it and didn't know, after missing the initial outbreak. That is typical. Don't get too bummed about the 'herpes is for life' idea. Just stay otherwise healthy, and the virus will continue to weaken every day that it lives in your body. Outbreaks will become less frequent, less severe, and less contagious. I'm not a big fan of pills in general, but look at Famvir. My ex-wife had good results with it. Valtrex is the old stuff, but works better then nothing.

When I was dealing with a molluscum virus, I made myself drink green tea and eat mass amounts of garlic, which is supposed to be anti-viral.(and keep vampires away ).

fwiw, in regard to being hsv2+ and relationships, women tend to think of it as less of a big deal as compared to men.

 

[Iceberg]

Tough luck about the herpes part, but I'm glad you shared that. The virus is quirky. It sounds like one of you had it and didn't know, after missing the initial outbreak. That is typical. Don't get too bummed about the 'herpes is for life' idea. Just stay otherwise healthy, and the virus will continue to weaken every day that it lives in your body. Outbreaks will become less frequent, less severe, and less contagious. I'm not a big fan of pills in general, but look at Famvir. My ex-wife had good results with it. Valtrex is the old stuff, but works better then nothing.

When I was dealing with a molluscum virus, I made myself drink green tea and eat mass amounts of garlic, which is supposed to be anti-viral.(and keep vampires away ).

fwiw, in regard to being hsv2+ and relationships, women tend to think of it as less of a big deal as compared to men.

It is pretty terrifying thought to imagine having to explain yourself and your "condition" to a woman before having sex with her.

I've been lucky enough so far to not come across herpes or any serious disease. But as I'm entering my 30's I've really started to slow down with my sexual conquests. Whereas in my early 20's I was gung-ho to bring a new girl into bed, these days I always find myself thinking "Do I really need another notch in my belt?" I've probably been with 40-50 girls...and now that I'm in NYC, i could probably double that. But, as Murtagh would say "I'm getting too old for this sh!t" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHhgllqSKro

And yeah I know, it could happen with any girl....party skank or LTR. But I feel a bit safer and more in control when I'm not letting my d!ck make decisions for me (not that I'm saying Colossus did). Just an extra 5 seconds of self restraint that I didn't have 5 or 6 years ago.

Anyway, kudos to Colossus for taking the bold step in giving up the comfortable relationship in order to find a newer, better one. Comfort kills more dreams than anything else. Sorry for derailing your thread....it's just that the disease issue has been on my mind for a while, and this brought it to the forefront.

 

[Desdinova]

I think for those of us who have been through a few breakups, it's not as hard as it is for the AFC who's fallen deeply into the relationship hole. Instead of sitting in that hole, crying that we've been left all alone, we've dug that hole with a built-in escape route. We know we can get out and move on when necessary.

The first 3-4 months we were together I really thought I may have found the girl I would marry. As I learned, though, that time period is an unreliable indicator of future success.

You really do need at least 2-3 years before deciding if you want to marry a woman. If I would have waited for at least two years, I probably wouldn't have married the woman I did. But she was a great actor. She kept up her good behavior until shortly after the wedding.

Never date a girl that you are in the fence about looks-wise. You'll never fully get over it.

I blame a lot of this on women. They keep pushing the whole 'but she has a nice personality' excuse for what they lack physically. You can't blame them for doing it, but that's just not how a man's attraction works. If the woman drives you wild physically, you're going to want to stay with her. But you still have to beware of the personality. A stellar looking woman with a 5hitty personality will make you miserable, as will an unattractive woman with a stellar personality. You NEED to go for the best of both worlds.

If your family is on the fence about her or lukewarm at best, heads up. They probably see something you dont.

Unless your family are idiots like mine. They're constantly wrong about the people they judge. Both my parents are inexperienced with real-life situations and would rather react to their emotions. My dad hates every woman I date because they occupy time I should be spending with him. My mom thinks every woman I date is awful because they don't belong to her religion. Therefore, I cannot trust their thoughts on any of the women I date. I'm on my own with that one.

But good to hear you're not sticking with a woman who makes you unhappy. All of us deserve better, and we need to strive for the best in our lives.

 

[Colossus]

Yeah the herpes thing is definitely on my mind a lot now that I'm single. I actually have type I, not type II, so I feel fortunate in that regard.

BB you are probably right that one of us missed the initial outbreak (likely me given my past), and transmitted it unknowingly. She was not a virgin by any means, but she was not a promiscuous girl at ALL. Like I said though, it doesnt matter now.

My plan going forward is to wait as long as possible to break the news to any future girl, assuming everything else is going well. The way I see it, once they start to develop feelings and see what a stud I am (lol), the news will be less stigmatized. I know if I didnt have it and some girl told me on the second date I would run for the hills, but if we had a good thing going for a couple of months I would be more apt to stop and consider. I know holding out on sex for months isnt the textbook DJ thing to do, but hey you gotta rewrite the rules sometimes.


Thanks for the kind words Des. I agree with you that 2-3 years is the minimum amount of time necessary to even decide on marriage. Those early feelings are just too unreliable. And luckily my family is pretty awesome and has wise views on these things, so I do trust their opinion. Regarding her looks, I'd put her solidly in the 7 range, but there were times she seemed utterly plain to me. I think this had more to do with her lack of effort to look feminine (a drawback to 'tom boys'), rather than her actual features.

 

[Boilermaker]

Don't think Having to explain your situation is that horrible.

Women don't care much about sex anyway. It's just something that gets in the way, and they will be more than willing to be compassionate about it once they are hooked.

Good luck in your future. Family always helps,...

 

[Bible_Belt]

I actually have type I, not type II

You mean genital type 1? Something like 99% of people who contract genital hsv1 will never have another outbreak. The ones who do typically have a severely compromised immune system, usually from hiv/aids. The hsv1 virus much mouths to crotches.

If it's really type 1, you have nothing at all to worry about. Most people are type one positive. I wouldn't even tell a girl about any of this. It's not like everyone with a cold sore removes themselves from the dating pool.

 

[The Bat]

Don't worry about HSV-1. 50% of us got it as kids (80% if you are of lower socioeconomic group). If you have an outbreak, get it treated with an antiviral (the 3 studied are equally efficacious) for a week or so.

Condoms are your best friend! They prevent any transmission and you are less likely to infect someone if you aren't having an outbreak. I wouldn't necessarily instill the rule of "sex only in LTRs" but then again it is your prerogative. More fish for us!

With that set aside, good to hear about your story.

You know, reading your story I got to thinking, "Man, his relationship sounds like lot of work, too much drama, and he never seemed satisfied after the initial honeymoon period." I think that if your woman becomes a full time job...the bad one where you curse at your boss all day and all night....then you're doing it wrong.

 

[Greasy Pig]

This is solid gold for everyone. Colossus was brave enough to do the hard thing which many of us can't or won't do.
I've had three serious LTRs and I only had the balls once to end it (my first one). With the other two, I went through so much anxiety - and it's chump companions: compromise; denial; apathy; and willing ignorance - instead of manning up and pulling the ripcord.
Just out of curiosity, Colossus, what did you tell her the reasons were for wanting to end it?
Did you tell her all the things you've described here or just say "it's over, goodbye"?

 

[Colossus]

You mean genital type 1? Something like 99% of people who contract genital hsv1 will never have another outbreak. The ones who do typically have a severely compromised immune system, usually from hiv/aids. The hsv1 virus much mouths to crotches.

None of this is actually true. I should probably qualify this by saying I'm a health care professional and well read on the disease. While hsv1 is less severe and more commonly associated with oral lesions, it does affect genital regions much more than 1% of the time, and the person does not have to be immunocompromised. Here's some good current evidence-based info if you're interested.

If it's really type 1, you have nothing at all to worry about. Most people are type one positive. I wouldn't even tell a girl about any of this. It's not like everyone with a cold sore removes themselves from the dating pool.

It is, I got labs. And this is true but I'd feel very wrong if I didnt disclose that. What if a girl got it?? "oh yeah....about that.."

Anyways I didnt want this to turn into a herpes thread but there is a lot of misconceptions.


Greasy, I told her pretty much what I told you guys. Like I said this wasnt the first time I tried to end it, so it wasnt new info to her. I explained my case very calmly and clearly, but she still didnt agree. She called my bluff one last time by acting like she wanted it too, but when we exchanged our stuff it was tears and her trying to convince me we could work things out again. It sucked...I hate seeing a good girl cry, but the cycle had to end. She'll be ok.

 

[Married Buried]

It is, I got labs. And this is true but I'd feel very wrong if I didnt disclose that. What if a girl got it?? "oh yeah....about that.."

Then you tell her she's a slut and you got it from her.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Colossus,

I've always appreciate your words and ideas. I honestly think you handled yourself very maturely here. I am sorry for you getting the H and all of this stuff. I have been in a relationship where even jokes had to be explained...I agree...this is NOT GOOD.

Worse would be staying in a situation you're not satisfied with.

 

[slickone]

Thanks for the share

Sometimes it's nice to know that there are other guys here who have had similar experiences.

It will take time but in about a year or so you will be able to look back on this time with a fondness of happy memories


Give yourself some time to be on your own

And best of luck with future hunting!

 

[Bible_Belt]

I don't mean to derail your thread with the herpes debate. I just don't want you to feel like a leper. It's easy to get down on yourself, and that will make you think you are worse off than you actually are.

While hsv1 is less severe and more commonly associated with oral lesions, it does affect genital regions much more than 1% of the time,

I'm seeing the recurrence rate of genital HSV1 put at 14% here:

http://books.google.com/books?id=Lf...epage&q=genital hsv 1 recurrence rate&f=false

But that's just the chance of having a second outbreak. The odds of having recurrent outbreaks for the rest of your life is much lower. I bet it's actually lower than 1%. For the entire population who are genital HSV1+, the average number of outbreaks is below one per year, and you can bet some very sick people raise that average substantially. And it's probably the same with the 14% number. If your health is better than average, your odds will be even better.

 

[Wilko]

Yep, even mods have breakups

I broke up with my gf of 1.5 years last week. This was actually the 3rd time I had tried to break up with her; the first two were "soft" breakups that she talked me out of and naturally things reverted right back to the way they were. This time I had to sack up and weather her tears and pleas, my own guilt, and go through with it.


The doubts crept in for me about a year ago when we went to Costa Rica for a trip.

Been there! One ex of mine behaved disgracefully during the "final" breakup (constantly threatening to fall apart and give up on everything she was working towards career-wise), but now concedes that I was absolutely right to do what I did - still, not a word of apology about her ridiculous antics. Not that I need it, but you do hope that they might grow a little, for their own sake.

As for the holiday thing I've been telling anyone who'll listen that I've seen more fledgling relationships brought undone by vacations than by cheating (don't all those couples on the Amazing Race just look so happy, ha!)

 

[Colossus]

Totally man, by our second trip this summer there was no question. It was awful. Trips are the gauntlet of relationships.