Ended a 2 year relationship, red flags and insights.

[JohnChops]

Last night my 2ish year relationship ended with one of my plates, who I made exclusive just before starting grad school. In hind-sight I think I ignored a lot of red flags that led to this relationships demise but it was also a good learning experience since it was my longest relationship so far.

Red Flags:
depressed (on/off medication)
Angry every time we drank
no father figure
anxiety (especially if I went out alone/only with guy friends)
Told me she became depressed in every relationship she was in
Tracked my phone (started to ask why I kept going to certain places etc)


I wish I hadn't ignored these red flags because now it is making me feel guilty about ending it, but I felt as if I was being dragged down these past few months. I felt as if I was shackled and couldn't grow. All in all she was a sweet girl, and did so much for more, bought me things, cooked me dinner all the time, sex was great but I don't think those positives outweigh those negatives and red flags.

Another interesting thing I learned last night was that she always felt as if she wasn't good enough for me throughout the whole relationship. I always saw us as equals, but since I am going to have a very high paying job in the near future, she says it made her feel intimidated the whole relationship. This made me realize that it is really difficult to date girls who make way less or way more than you. You actually have to date girls (LTR wise) that make around the same amount as you do, or else it wont work out. Has anyone else noticed this?

Right now, I am 3 weeks out from going back to school, so I plan to keep busy and get my mind off of her. I have a concert tomorrow, many 4th of july parties to go to and a wedding to go to, which I am going to by myself now.

If anyone had to give me some advice, what would you say?

Thanks fellas.

 

[highSpeed]

Last night my 2ish year relationship ended with one of my plates, who I made exclusive just before starting grad school. In hind-sight I think I ignored a lot of red flags that led to this relationships demise but it was also a good learning experience since it was my longest relationship so far.

Red Flags:
depressed (on/off medication)
Angry every time we drank
no father figure
anxiety (especially if I went out alone/only with guy friends)
Told me she became depressed in every relationship she was in
Tracked my phone (started to ask why I kept going to certain places etc)


I wish I hadn't ignored these red flags because now it is making me feel guilty about ending it, but I felt as if I was being dragged down these past few months. I felt as if I was shackled and couldn't grow. All in all she was a sweet girl, and did so much for more, bought me things, cooked me dinner all the time, sex was great but I don't think those positives outweigh those negatives and red flags.

Another interesting thing I learned last night was that she always felt as if she wasn't good enough for me throughout the whole relationship. I always saw us as equals, but since I am going to have a very high paying job in the near future, she says it made her feel intimidated the whole relationship. This made me realize that it is really difficult to date girls who make way less or way more than you. You actually have to date girls (LTR wise) that make around the same amount as you do, or else it wont work out. Has anyone else noticed this?

Right now, I am 3 weeks out from going back to school, so I plan to keep busy and get my mind off of her. I have a concert tomorrow, many 4th of july parties to go to and a wedding to go to, which I am going to by myself now.

If anyone had to give me some advice, what would you say?

Thanks fellas.

Why end it? Demote her to plate, if she fixes her sh*t, then potentially reconsider. Why turn down great sex and other benefits when you don't have to? Placate her to whatever degree makes her comfortable and still works for you, smashing all the way. If it gets to be too much, distance yourself and see if she responds appropriately. Wash, rinse, repeat. No one said you have to marry her.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Last night my 2ish year relationship ended with one of my plates, who I made exclusive just before starting grad school. In hind-sight I think I ignored a lot of red flags that led to this relationships demise but it was also a good learning experience since it was my longest relationship so far.

Red Flags:
depressed (on/off medication)
Angry every time we drank
no father figure
anxiety (especially if I went out alone/only with guy friends)
Told me she became depressed in every relationship she was in
Tracked my phone (started to ask why I kept going to certain places etc)


I wish I hadn't ignored these red flags because now it is making me feel guilty about ending it, but I felt as if I was being dragged down these past few months. I felt as if I was shackled and couldn't grow. All in all she was a sweet girl, and did so much for more, bought me things, cooked me dinner all the time, sex was great but I don't think those positives outweigh those negatives and red flags.

Another interesting thing I learned last night was that she always felt as if she wasn't good enough for me throughout the whole relationship. I always saw us as equals, but since I am going to have a very high paying job in the near future, she says it made her feel intimidated the whole relationship. This made me realize that it is really difficult to date girls who make way less or way more than you. You actually have to date girls (LTR wise) that make around the same amount as you do, or else it wont work out. Has anyone else noticed this?

Right now, I am 3 weeks out from going back to school, so I plan to keep busy and get my mind off of her. I have a concert tomorrow, many 4th of july parties to go to and a wedding to go to, which I am going to by myself now.

If anyone had to give me some advice, what would you say?

Thanks fellas.

Your getting good sex on demand, gifts and cooked for? And complaining about this in 2019. Men's wives dont even do all that these days. Shes protecting her investment. Her actions show she really cares and dont want to lose you.

In my system this would be my gf. If i just had to dip off it would be very occasionally. Invite her to a large percentage of things you do.

 

[soulforge]

Taking a woman who you had a lengthy relationship with, and developed a strong bond with..

Demoting her to plate is no simple task.

 

[Alvafe]

Why end it? Demote her to plate, if she fixes her sh*t, then potentially reconsider. Why turn down great sex and other benefits when you don't have to? Placate her to whatever degree makes her comfortable and still works for you, smashing all the way. If it gets to be too much, distance yourself and see if she responds appropriately. Wash, rinse, repeat. No one said you have to marry her.

nah normally is not worth the time, cut the loses and move on, someone like this hardly get better, the depressed is kinda a given, if she had meds for it, it till the day she dies

 

[zekko]

Why end it? Demote her to plate

He said she was a plate.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

Taking a woman who you had a lengthy relationship with, and developed a strong bond with..

Demoting her to plate is no simple task.

The strong bond should always be kept at a level of attachment where we can walk away easily and unhurt. You and I and most people are guilty of attaching too much and feeling resentment and pain when things end. I think life is best when all relationships are as unattached. Unattached because life is full and there is a mindset of abundance. AKA you're busy doing other interesting things.

I think this over-attachment causes and is caused by emotional regression back to a child mentality. But that's just like, my opinion man.

 

[daproest1]

You did the right thing. Jealousy and insecurity are both normal traits in a woman. BUT... for me personally, a depressed, and ****ty drunk girl who likes tracking your phone.... yeah. That’s a hard next. Fvck that. It’ll only get worse with time.

IF YOU HAVE ACTUAL FEELINGS FOR HER, then she probably wouldn’t be a plate, and my advice might be a little different. Keywords: “Might be”.

 

[sazc]

You said you went with your gut, honor that. You felt stifled, you felt tracked like a dog, you felt unable to grow, she got ugly when drinking. IMO all good reasons to cut her loose. Plating her is just going to turn her into a crazy stalker. You really want your long term arrangements to be largely peaceful. We got too much going on to be dealing with constant relationship drama.

My last guy admitted to me the same things she admitted to you - never felt good enough for me, the disparity in income caused self esteem issues, etc. All of his feelings caused issues in the relationship. Thing is, I couldn't fix him, he had to do that. You can't fix her. She has to do that. Your better off walking away IMO

 

[JohnChops]

I appreciate all the replies guys.

@Mauser96 I've been busy these past few days, hanging out with friends, talking to some new girls already and went a concert last night which was freaking awesome.

@mrgoodstuff i agree man, she had great qualities, on the outside, but that doesn't matter if shes different on the inside (i.e. depressed, highly insecure, etc). Sex isn't a big deal, honestly, i'd rather have a girl I can gel with vs. good sex. Sex is superficial, at least having someone who I can have good conversation with can last a bit longer.

@highSpeed thats not how I work, I can't demote her, it's either cut everything or get back together, and since I do not want to get back together, I am just cutting all loses.

@sazc seems like we had the same issue. I have way too many stressors in my life, and a relationship just seems to add more that I do not need. It was the worst feeling like I could not grow, and couldn't just be me, I felt like sh1t, honestly. I don't care if she cooks, cleans and tongues my a$$hole, if I feel like sh1t then whats the point? The drinking was terrible. At first it was fine, but it really showed towards the middle/end of the relationship, we would go out, drink, come back to her place and then she would be so damn mean. It was never like that in the beginning. Then she said she started to drink more, towards the end, especially when she started to feel "sad". I don't want someone who uses alcohol as a crutch like that. It isn't healthy and leads to a drinking problem.

 

[btownbuck2012]

Your getting good sex on demand, gifts and cooked for? And complaining about this in 2019. Men's wives dont even do all that these days. Shes protecting her investment. Her actions show she really cares and dont want to lose you.

In my system this would be my gf. If i just had to dip off it would be very occasionally. Invite her to a large percentage of things you do.

I gotta disagree here bro, she tracked his phone to see where he was going? That’s very strange behavior.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I gotta disagree here bro, she tracked his phone to see where he was going? That’s very strange behavior.

Better than getting lied and cheated on.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Better than getting lied and cheated on.

His alternative is alot of games and shytty behavior.

 

[btownbuck2012]

Better than getting lied and cheated on.

I think one follows the other lol

 

[btownbuck2012]

His alternative is alot of games and shytty behavior.

How is a chick tracking your phone not sh*tty behavior?

 

[JohnChops]

How is a chick tracking your phone not sh*tty behavior?

It is a ****ty behavior. She even admitted she has anxiety about me going anywhere where she wasn’t. I legit could not have fun. You think this makes for a good relationship ? I think not.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

How is a chick tracking your phone not sh*tty behavior?

Having female snoop on you that fvcks when you want buys you gifts and cooks is better than a female who wastes your time and lies and cheats on you who likely doesnt do these things.