End of my 3 year relationship. Your perspective welcome

[AmsterdamAssassin]

In the past whenever she did anything I perceived as disrespectful, I retracted attention until she apologized and cleared it up. Does that count as setting boundaries?

No, it doesn't.
The way you set the boundary, you also discuss what the 'penalty' or 'punishment' would be, so the offending party knows what the consequences are for the transgression.

For instance, if you had told her in advance 'if you disrespect me, you will get the silent treatment until you apologise', then you set a boundary. By not explaining to her the consequences for her misbehaviour, you force her to figure out how to deal with your silence, leaving everything open for (her) interpretation. Your 'silent treatment' could easily be misinterpreted as 'sulking', which makes you an oversensitive manchild, not a mature person withdrawing attention.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

@soulforge : Thanks for your response. There are things I wish I could change but sadly what's in the past can't be changed so all I can do is learn from this experience and move on as a better person.

@Bigpapa : We met once or twice a week. The week we broke up, we'd met twice in two weeks. I was busy with college so we were talking every other day at best and sometimes even went longer without talking, but she always texted me to keep me updated on how her day went. I can't think of any instance where I could've come across as controlling in this relationship. I let her hang out with who she wanted, even her girlfriends who I know sh!ttalked me and are definitely very happy knowing we have broken up. I didn't control what she wore, but she did also always dress modestly. Forcing her to talk to me? Never did any of that either.

To address the "alpha" thing: I left this forum in 2016 and by the time I got into this relationship, I honestly could not even remember most of what I learned from this website except some basic principles. My approach to this relationship was never being "alpha." I loved her. I still do. As a matter of fact, quite a few things I did in my relationship would be labelled "beta" by other members here. But I didn't care about that. I was just focused on having a healthy relationship and enjoying her company. The only thing I did is whenever I felt she was being disrespectful or crossing a line, I retracted attention until she apologized.

@CornbreadFed : I'm not sure what purpose your replies are meant to serve with comments like "I already know that you are going to do what you want to do and follow the advice that provides the most potential in getting her back." Obviously the only thing you, or anyone else replying, can do is offer advice. Which advice is followed is ultimately up to me. Maybe I'd follow yours if you were to offer it instead of coming across as some all-knowing asshat commenting just to sh!t on someone else.

@BackInTheGame78 : I never noticed any changes in her behavior at all. All our interactions were the same as they'd always been. She texted me almost everyday to keep me updated on how her day went, what she did, etc. When we met, her demeanor and behavior was also the same, except for the end. In fact less than a month ago she sent me a long text after a minor argument we had about how much she loved me, how she "found the right person for her," etc.

@AmsterdamAssassin : How do you suppose I should've reacted? Regardless I doubt my response to this was the reason she ended an otherwise unshakeable relationship.

@Money & Muscle : She hasn't found someone else yet. She might in the future but not yet. We shared our phones with each other (not as some method of providing either of ours' faithfulness, we just did) and there was nothing on her phone to indicate otherwise.

In hindsight that was her way of saying "goodbye" and letting you go in her mind.

Had this happen a few times to me too...it's almost like they know they are going to break up but it causes them to become very lovey dovey in unexpected ways as in "one last time" and then I have to let it go...

One time I was getting ready to leave a woman's house I had been dating for almost a year and she just had this weird look on her face standing by my car door looking at me and I opened the door and asked if she was OK and she just over, leaned in and hugged me super tight and said I just needed to do that, then said she loved me.

Then it all started to unravel...

Willing to bet that was the same thing for you.

You don't think it makes sense because you are looking at it logically.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

You don't think it makes sense because you are looking at it logically.

That often the first mistake.

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Thank you everyone for your response so far. What was/is going through her mind, only she knows, and maybe I will if we ever get back together but no matter, if it happens, it'll happen, that's not my focus at this point.

I'd like to know how I should proceed now? We both still have each other on social medias. Some have suggested being seen with other women. Should I do that? Or what should be my response now and in the future coming weeks/months? I'm normally a very "quiet" person on social media and mainly use it to stay connected with friends, family and a few interesting pages. I suppose I could also come across as intentionally trying to "exact revenge" if all of a sudden I start posting with girls when I barely posted anything in the past.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thank you everyone for your response so far. What was/is going through her mind, only she knows, and maybe I will if we ever get back together but no matter, if it happens, it'll happen, that's not my focus at this point.

I'd like to know how I should proceed now? We both still have each other on social medias. Some have suggested being seen with other women. Should I do that? Or what should be my response now and in the future coming weeks/months? I'm normally a very "quiet" person on social media and mainly use it to stay connected with friends, family and a few interesting pages. I suppose I could also come across as intentionally trying to "exact revenge" if all of a sudden I start posting with girls when I barely posted anything in the past.

Stop worrying about what it will "look like" to her and do what you want to do.

She is not your responsibility anymore and you don't need to worry about how she will respond to it.

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

No, it doesn't.
The way you set the boundary, you also discuss what the 'penalty' or 'punishment' would be, so the offending party knows what the consequences are for the transgression.

For instance, if you had told her in advance 'if you disrespect me, you will get the silent treatment until you apologise', then you set a boundary. By not explaining to her the consequences for her misbehaviour, you force her to figure out how to deal with your silence, leaving everything open for (her) interpretation. Your 'silent treatment' could easily be misinterpreted as 'sulking', which makes you an oversensitive manchild, not a mature person withdrawing attention.

Through some self reflection after she dumped me, I came to the same conclusion that in the future, boundaries must be communicated clearly, directly and firmly right from the start. Hadn't though about whether my actions could be construed as setting a boundary but I understand now that it wasn't.

In hindsight that was her way of saying "goodbye" and letting you go in her mind.

Had this happen a few times to me too...it's almost like they know they are going to break up but it causes them to become very lovey dovey in unexpected ways as in "one last time" and then I have to let it go...

One time I was getting ready to leave a woman's house I had been dating for almost a year and she just had this weird look on her face standing by my car door looking at me and I opened the door and asked if she was OK and she just over, leaned in and hugged me super tight and said I just needed to do that, then said she loved me.

Then it all started to unravel...

Willing to bet that was the same thing for you.

You don't think it makes sense because you are looking at it logically.

Thank you for sharing your own experience. If even sending me paragraphs about how much she loved me and wanted us to be together was a way of saying goodbye, how can you tell what's genuine? Or do you just hope for the best and go along?

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Stop worrying about what it will "look like" to her and do what you want to do.

She is not your responsibility anymore and you don't need to worry about how she will respond to it.

How would you respond in this scenario? So far I've done what I wanted to do and it's starting to become clear that it's maybe not always the best thing that could've been done. I don't want to make avoidable mistakes.

 

[soulforge]

No, it doesn't.
The way you set the boundary, you also discuss what the 'penalty' or 'punishment' would be, so the offending party knows what the consequences are for the transgression.

For instance, if you had told her in advance 'if you disrespect me, you will get the silent treatment until you apologise', then you set a boundary. By not explaining to her the consequences for her misbehaviour, you force her to figure out how to deal with your silence, leaving everything open for (her) interpretation. Your 'silent treatment' could easily be misinterpreted as 'sulking', which makes you an oversensitive manchild, not a mature person withdrawing attention.

This is good.

I'm actually very about clearly communicating my boundries & what behaviours are not acceptable & the possible consequences.

If she chooses to ignore my wishes, then she kinda knows why I chose to walk the F off.

This is good advice.

 

[CornbreadFed]

welp, good luck OP

 

[Bigpapa]

How would you respond in this scenario? So far I've done what I wanted to do and it's starting to become clear that it's maybe not always the best thing that could've been done. I don't want to make avoidable mistakes.

don’t chase and be needy . The more you chase, the more her attraction towards you will plump

Right now the only thing that you can do is to live your life at your fullest, and this includes talking with other women

you do not have to sleep with them if you do not feel like doing it, just talking with them is enough

pre-selection works in your favor

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Then for sure her behavior is weird, as usually what I said is the mistake that the vast majority of guys do in relationships but in your case it does not Seem to be

for sure it is something that was annoying her, just that is difficult to put the finger on it

maybe this will be of help if you want to get her back eventually

The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back

The most frequent email I get from readers is of the very gracious, magnanimous variety, with readers reaching out to say thanks for writing your blog, your book, etc., and sharing perhaps some of the successes that have come from, in part, applying what they've learned from my materials. But...

www.girlschase.com

I read through it and another post on that website. What really stuck with me is "When you get your girlfriend back, it's never the same as the first time around, because there is always a sense that she has left you to find something better, and not found it. She's back with you again because she's settling for the best she can get - you." I remember now discussing with her before that if the relationship were to end, it'd be over, no coming back from that. I also don't want to be the guy she comes back to after worshipping another man or even guzzling his ***. Must be my "arrogance", which led to this breakup in the first place, according to her.

I'm going to NC her and move on with life as is. Not going to make a lot of posts on social media as if I'm obviously trying to put it in her face but I'll occasionally post about the new adventures I'm thinking of exploring now that I have more time and motivation than I did before. I'll detail the days to come on the NC specific thread.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I'm actually very about clearly communicating my boundries & what behaviours are not acceptable & the possible consequences.

This is one of the reasons why I like the kink community: in order to be able to enjoy your kinks, you have to clearly assert your desires and boundaries so you can clearly consent.
This becomes all the more important when you place someone in restraints (rope, handcuffs, leather cuffs, chains, bodybag, whatever), because to restrain someone without consent is unlawful and a crime.
And if you do for instance Impact Play, you have to clearly state your preferred implement (flogger, yes; whip, no; paddle, maybe) and where they are used on the body and what safe words you will use to pause/stop the session.
You don't want to be vague in these type of negotiations, because the consequences can be dire.

If you're not kinky, you can still benefit from that type of open communication, because it prevents (false) allegations of rape because she said, "I like rough sex" but she forgot to tell you she doesn't like to be choked and she didn't know how to signal real distress when you were squeezing her throat.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I'm going to NC her and move on with life as is. Not going to make a lot of posts on social media as if I'm obviously trying to put it in her face but I'll occasionally post about the new adventures I'm thinking of exploring now that I have more time and motivation than I did before. I'll detail the days to come on the NC specific thread.

After I divorced, my weekends were suddenly child-free again, so I went to kink parties pretty much every weekend. I didn't mention that on social media, but many of these parties were organised and posted on Fetlife where my ex was still a member. She didn't 'follow' me on FL, but she did know my nickname there and could see that I was going to these parties. I noticed how my ex was hostile, bitter and angry when I picked up the kids, which I found out later was because she had checked out my account on FL and could see I was enjoying myself without her.

If your ex wants to know what you're up to, she will find out that you're having a good time with other women. You don't have to rub that in. In fact, the more effort she has to do to find out how you enjoy your post-break-up life, the better.

 

[The Duke]

She told me stuff like "I didn't love her enough," "She misses her freedom being single," and a bunch of other horse****. She also complained that I was "too arrogant" because I refused to "let something so simple go" and that she is a girl and she should be allowed to do "girly things and have tantrums." (This is literally what she said. Allowed to do girly things and have tantrums.) Still, we both agreed to working it out.

Classic lines from a woman that doesn't want to be with a man anymore.

They are never straight forward in these situations. They throw in so much random bs that doesn't hold water that it throws you off. The first few things out of a womans mouth when she is complaining about a relationship is never the source of the complaint. They are indirect communicators with two distinct operating systems running in conjunction.

Here's what this is about:

She misses her freedom being single, she is a girl and she should be allowed to do "girly things and have tantrums."

This translates to:
I want some new cahk, I want to do whatever I feel like, all my friends are doing it.

Keep yourself busy, hang out with your buddies, and move forward. At some point you will look back on this relationship and see it more clearly.

 

[soulforge]

Classic lines from a woman that doesn't want to be with a man anymore.

They are never straight forward in these situations. They throw in so much random bs that doesn't hold water that it throws you off. The first few things out of a womans mouth when she is complaining about a relationship is never the source of the complaint. They are indirect communicators with two distinct operating systems running in conjunction.

Here's what this is about:

She misses her freedom being single, she is a girl and she should be allowed to do "girly things and have tantrums."

This translates to:
I want some new cahk, I want to do whatever I feel like, all my friends are doing it.

Keep yourself busy, hang out with your buddies, and move forward. At some point you will look back on this relationship and see it more clearly.

This is spot on, she is looking for a way out so she can take strange dik again.

"A girl should be allowed to do girly things, have tantrums and verbaly abuse you"

This statement here is complete BS

 

[Bokanovsky]

This is one of the reasons why I like the kink community: in order to be able to enjoy your kinks, you have to clearly assert your desires and boundaries so you can clearly consent.
This becomes all the more important when you place someone in restraints (rope, handcuffs, leather cuffs, chains, bodybag, whatever), because to restrain someone without consent is unlawful and a crime.
And if you do for instance Impact Play, you have to clearly state your preferred implement (flogger, yes; whip, no; paddle, maybe) and where they are used on the body and what safe words you will use to pause/stop the session.
You don't want to be vague in these type of negotiations, because the consequences can be dire.

Do you get their consent in writing, with a certificate of independent legal advice attached?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Do you get their consent in writing, with a certificate of independent legal advice attached?

Of course, I have a team of legal eagles standing by.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Of course, I have a team of legal eagles standing by.

Standing by? Hopefully not in a literal sense

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Standing by? Hopefully not in a literal sense

Legal observers.

 

[Barrister]

OP,

Women never apologize except in a very superficial way. Expecting her to suddenly realize how big a b1tch she was being to you is unrealistic. It just isn't reality.

Women think they are apologizing by their indirect actions. Her reaching out to you "like nothing happened" as you put it was her way of apologizing. She thinks because she is willing to move on like nothing happened that she has adequately "forgiven" you. We don't see it that way as men - but you can never hold a woman to the same standard as a man.

All that aside, I am sorry you are experiencing this. I remember being 20 years old and being in your shoes with my first. It sucks. Go to the No Contact page for extra support, but in meantime meet other women, get in the gym and work your ass off, and keep improving either at your job or in your studies. As they say, this too shall pass. We are here for you.