Up until this point it has been mean stuff with no remorse. We haven't physically spoken since the first week of November, now this out of the blue. What the f**k is this jibber-jabber?
Been thinking a lot about the past few months and where my head is at. Let me tell you, I have let go of a lot of my anger. With that being said, a ton of great memories and loving moments have rushed inside me and I find myself crying when I reminisce. I feel so many things at once. I believe it's also because I'm slowly beginning to accept who I am and what my part was in this whole thing. I don't blame anyone but myself for the bad things I've said and done that hurt everyone.
I had a dream about you a couple nights ago, which was also the night where I thought about you and all the good memories came. We were sitting on some green grass outside just pondering and being where we were. Then we both noticed a few butterflies flying about us...as if they were just hanging...mingling with us in our thoughts. Then all of a sudden, it seemed like an explosion of butterflies (they looked like monarchs) swarmed everywhere. There was a thick wall of orange and black wings fluttering before my eyes...like we were immersed in them. I didn't know what to do...I thought they were mashing into us and I think I could taste the bitterness of their wings and insides. I felt overwhelmed so we headed indoors. The butterflies were all over me...like they were embedded into my head and body. You immediately jumped in the shower and I waited but once you were all washed off...I didn't shower. I think we got in a small argument about how you didn't take the time to leave the shower on for me or something stupid like that. I was the one who instigated it so I never showered. I don't remember much after that. It was a really profound dream.
Goes to show, I still think about you from time to time and instead of being angry when I think about you, I remember you as Clay. Just being who you are. You are a great guy. I can see that now that the fog and pain have dissipated. Even though I say mean things, it comes from my own personal fear...not you. It's my responsibility and for all the times I've said mean things to you, I am really sorry. It's no excuse for me to say mean things even when I say them as a defense mechanism. I'm paying for them already...thanks Karma.
The unique things about you are GOLD. You believe in yourself and you WILL make it! Be strong and courageous when you confront this guy who molested you. Go with an open mind and don't expect anything. Just do it with someone close who will support you (close and understanding friend). It's a step closer to something you've been running from all your life. I believe you can do it. I WISH you the BEST for the coming New Year and perhaps I might see you when you come up to get Beth. She misses you too but I've been keeping her busy with long walks along the railroad tracks and I bought her a stuffed sheep with a squeaky toy inside it. She LOVES it. I am happy you left her with me. She has been a great companion. My only complaint is that she wakes me up at night with her loud snores. Haha!"
Been thinking a lot about the past few months and where my head is at. Let me tell you, I have let go of a lot of my anger. With that being said, a ton of great memories and loving moments have rushed inside me and I find myself crying when I reminisce. I feel so many things at once. I believe it's also because I'm slowly beginning to accept who I am and what my part was in this whole thing. I don't blame anyone but myself for the bad things I've said and done that hurt everyone.
I had a dream about you a couple nights ago, which was also the night where I thought about you and all the good memories came. We were sitting on some green grass outside just pondering and being where we were. Then we both noticed a few butterflies flying about us...as if they were just hanging...mingling with us in our thoughts. Then all of a sudden, it seemed like an explosion of butterflies (they looked like monarchs) swarmed everywhere. There was a thick wall of orange and black wings fluttering before my eyes...like we were immersed in them. I didn't know what to do...I thought they were mashing into us and I think I could taste the bitterness of their wings and insides. I felt overwhelmed so we headed indoors. The butterflies were all over me...like they were embedded into my head and body. You immediately jumped in the shower and I waited but once you were all washed off...I didn't shower. I think we got in a small argument about how you didn't take the time to leave the shower on for me or something stupid like that. I was the one who instigated it so I never showered. I don't remember much after that. It was a really profound dream.
Goes to show, I still think about you from time to time and instead of being angry when I think about you, I remember you as Clay. Just being who you are. You are a great guy. I can see that now that the fog and pain have dissipated. Even though I say mean things, it comes from my own personal fear...not you. It's my responsibility and for all the times I've said mean things to you, I am really sorry. It's no excuse for me to say mean things even when I say them as a defense mechanism. I'm paying for them already...thanks Karma.
The unique things about you are GOLD. You believe in yourself and you WILL make it! Be strong and courageous when you confront this guy who molested you. Go with an open mind and don't expect anything. Just do it with someone close who will support you (close and understanding friend). It's a step closer to something you've been running from all your life. I believe you can do it. I WISH you the BEST for the coming New Year and perhaps I might see you when you come up to get Beth. She misses you too but I've been keeping her busy with long walks along the railroad tracks and I bought her a stuffed sheep with a squeaky toy inside it. She LOVES it. I am happy you left her with me. She has been a great companion. My only complaint is that she wakes me up at night with her loud snores. Haha!"