Egoistic..and maybe the wrong priorites.

[kk2004]

Guys... Im kind of confused..maybe you can help me sort myself out.

The thought of not having women and guy friends with high social proof or those who are up there on the social todem pole simply bcuz they know more ppl. It's putting me into a depression. When I see pretty girls walk by, and I dont know them, or I see guys walk by who are built and have a girls walking next to them, it makes me want to compare myself to them and I usually end up being unhappy at the end of the day.

I say to myself "damn look at him, he has so many girls around him, or look he has a relationship" "Look at the GUY that is with such a girl, I could never get a girl that pretty...IM not like that guy"


My ex-gf showed me what people who DO have social skills and savy with the opposte sex live their daily lives like. They hang out, they hook up and have sex on a daily basis. They always have plans or one thing or another to do and always doing exciting new things. I imagine all the guys who know how to get girls and have friends live their lives like that. They enjoy and they hang out on the weekends with their girls and hook up and have sex. If i dont have any friends around me or im not hanging out constatnyl I feel like a loser, and I feel out of the loop.

Another simple fact. Im indian. Its neither good nor bad.. But I love sex.. Indian girls do not, they are reserved. So I have to go to white girls/spanish etc for sex. ANd birds of a feather flock together. Of course this is a free world.. but white girsl go for white guys its natural and I feel locked out. bcuz my pool is so small. You guys dont understand indian culture..its very hard to get girls who do the things girls consider normal here.

Now I see the type of guys that actually get the type of women that im Looking for and I am not like them. The big, muscle guys who are 6 feet tall get the hb - 8-10. When I see them with the women I want it just puts me down to know that Im not like them at all. IN all honesty looks help out ALOT., coupled with good social skills and hb's will be falling all over you.

Problem is I compare too damn much

I place having many friends and lots of women around me to high importance and I equate that to my self worth. The more friends I have the better a person I must be. Friends and more women mean that Im a cooler person or a better person. My ego is filled when i have many friends around me, which them makes me happy.

I cant be happy by myself. Its hurting me bcuz I see women all day in college and It hurts to see them walk by knowing that I cant get them bcuz I dont know them and dont have a chance to meet them. THis makes me unhappy. I think the key would be learning to be happy with myself, by myself. And accepting the fact that I dont have the looks or the size or savy or the right race to get the girls i want.

I dont know anyone else.

 

[DonJuanMonk]

Is there a question you wanted to ask or was this a rant?

 

[kk2004]

lol

Yes..im sorry..i got caught up...

Well is it right..with what I am doing.. I know the constant comparison and the huge ego isnt right..but then not worrying about having or not having many friends and girls so this way I can learn to be happy with myself and accept myself, by changing my priorities.

IS that a good thing or not, bcuz I if dont think or worry then Im not gonna care about girls or friends and be happy with the way I am, Ill simply say to myself I dont need them or there not important to me, and I might not ever get another girl.

Oh yeah is there anything in my original post you disagree with?

 

[Desdinova]

If i dont have any friends around me or im not hanging out constatnyl I feel like a loser, and I feel out of the loop.

You're looking for social validation. However, social validation only exists in one's mind. You're the only one who is telling yourself that you need to have lots of friends to become socially acceptable.

How many times do you look at another guy walking by himself and think, "Man that guy isn't with anybody. He's a total fvcking loser."

People are so worried about how they look to everyone else that they're ignorant to how they view everyone else. It's the stupidest, most retarded conversation you can have with yourself.

Did you come to this conclusion because you're constantly judging other people by how few friends they have? Have you even thought about the "friendless" guy rather than the "popular" guy?

The truth is, nobody gives a 5hit about the friendless guy. He can't be judged because he doesn't speak, nor does he surround himself with others who may be physically attractive. He's just "some guy".

The only time the friendless guy gets noticed is if he does something that makes himself stand out. He may wear clothing that is not socially popular, or he may do something to gain peoples' attention. Those are the ONLY times when people noticed the friendless guy. Other than that, nobody gives a 5hit.

 

[kk2004]

hi

To answer your question I do that sometimes.. Like look that guys a loser if he sits by himself.

But if he looks "cool"-which means the type of guy that looks like he gets girls, then I wont think of him as a loser.

Yes I did think about that friendless guy, and I happen to be one of them, and since In my mind I judge friendless guys who cant get girls as loser, I fit myself into that category too.

I dont judge them on teir fewness, just the number. If they have more friends and if they have hot popular girls and guys around them then thier value is higher than mine.. thats what i think but im starting to see thats wrong. The friendless guy is lower than me, he sits by himself and I feel superior to him.

Yeah i know that friendless guy...ITS ME..I dont have many friends at all..maybe two three or four..and I dont have girls around me.. does that mean im a loser? I dont think so. That means you value numbers and quantity

 

[Desdinova]

The friendless guy is lower than me, he sits by himself and I feel superior to him.

Wrong. The friendless guy is higher than you because you're judging him by how many friends he has. He could be out shopping for his girlfriend, on a business trip from another state, making a brief stop for lunch before going to a party, etc etc.

You cannot judge anyone by their social status or appearance. You'll find yourself in the wrong many times.

 

[kk2004]

Yes granted Im starting to see the error in my stupidty in judging ppl esp those by themselves.


BUT....When I see hot girls walking with jocks and guys who have social value, or look "cool" (abiltiy to get girls) then I look at myself and see that I dont have any friends, shoudlnt i feel like a loser.

I think the whole act of comparing yourself to others to give a value to yourself is wrong. Or im starting to see the futility in comparing myself to others..its like those ppl who cant be happy when they are billioniares.


I cant feel ****y for the most of my life becasue I dont have the hb's on me and have friends chasing me to be my friends and hang out with me.

 

[Visceral]

Royally fvcked up priorities. Stop comparing yourself to other people and go do what makes you happy.

Stop caring about whether or not you're a jock.
Stop caring about whether or not you're popular.
Stop caring about whether or not you have HBs.

You can see firsthand how it just depresses you and makes you hate yourself ... which is not the recipe for a good life, I can tell you that right now.

Do what gives meaning to your life.
Do what makes you feel good about yourself.
Do what gives you pleasure.
Do what makes you love life.

 

[kk2004]

ic

thank you visceral...

I have only one problem..

I know that the one thing that makes me really happy is filling my ego up, and getting girls and being popular is one way. Its just that filling and submitting to my ego is a big deal to me and makes me happy. Getting girls and being popular is an objective and when i accomplish it, it makes me feel good about myself. Like I have setup things I would like to accomplish and getting girls and being popular is one of them.. And when I do it will make me happy simply becasue I accomplished something I set out to do, even if that thing itself doesnt give me happiness it the fact that LOOK I did it, mentality.

What I would love doing is having friends who I could go do the things I love to do. Like go explore the world and see new sights and places never seen before. And go to events and parties and go see places that ive never seen before. Not having friends and girls depresses me though..bcuz Its with them that I would like to do my things with. But i have almost nobody to do them with.

 

[Visceral]

Not having friends shouldn't stop you from doing anything.

Here's an idea. Do the things anyway, and then you might actually have a chance at meeting other people who like to do them as well.

And if you don't, then at least you had some fun.

 

[kk2004]

ic

So i should go to a party or club by myself?.. how can i have like a bbq with friends or have like a late night poker game without friends though? your choices get limited you know..but that doesnt stop me from doing what I want..or wat least what I can do.

 

[mrRuckus]

Originally posted by kk2004


Its hurting me bcuz I see women all day in college and It hurts to see them walk by knowing that I cant get them bcuz I dont know them and dont have a chance to meet them.

Um yes you do. They're right there. They're the ones you're letting walking right by you. They don't have a force field that blocks sound out.

To answer your question I do that sometimes.. Like look that guys a loser if he sits by himself.

I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria in college. Sometimes i'd have girls come over and try to get me to come sit at their table because they thought i was some lonely freshman because i looked young. I was just hungry between classes and don't need to surround myself with 8 other people to eat a 15 minute meal like every other insecure college kid.

 

[kk2004]

hmmm..

Its elementary my dear mrRuckus..I have social anxiety disorder when it comes to pretty girls and large groups of people. So for me its almost if they have this force field around them..and I suck at cold approaches because the nervousness wont let me think of anything for me to say. So I dont apporach them.

I dont have the proper tools to approach them.
such as a healthy self esteem, confidence and relaxed state of mind. I know that and ive been trying to achieve these roles but i havent been able to change much, but im slowly starting to change though.

Oh yeah how can I do what gives me pleasure in life if what gives me pleasure I need HB's and friends to have that fun, when i dont have them.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Re: hmmm..

Originally posted by kk2004
I have social anxiety disorder when it comes to pretty girls and large groups of people. So for me its almost if they have this force field around them..and I suck at cold approaches because the nervousness wont let me think of anything for me to say. So I dont apporach them.

I dont have the proper tools to approach them.
such as a healthy self esteem, confidence and relaxed state of mind. I know that and ive been trying to achieve these roles but i havent been able to change much, but im slowly starting to change though.

Oh yeah how can I do what gives me pleasure in life if what gives me pleasure I need HB's and friends to have that fun, when i dont have them.

I'm just like you. The difference is that I kinda like being alone and I don't feel like a loser for that. It's obvious that having some friends and HBs is a good thing.

No matter how much theory you read here you won't overcome this fear! You need to get in the field. You first need to lose this fear so that you can use some methods you see here. If you are all self-conscious, all the method will be useless.

How to solve it? Enroll in a public speaking course for example. You will lose part of this fear plus posture, tone of voice and eye contact corrected by a teacher. This feedback can only be given by someone who understand this dynamics and who is interested to correct you. You may have some bad posture that even you are not aware of. We can't tell you by distante, only a teacher close to you.

 

[Vibe]

Sounds to me like you are missing something within yourself and just using women and popularity to fill it up. That won't make it go away. You will feel good one second and absolutely horrible the next. You need to get comfortable in your own skin.

Remember, man - it doesn't MATTER what other people think of you. It may sound cliche but it's true. They have more important things to do than worry about whether or not you have a lot of friends.

You are your own worst enemy.
YOU are the only one who will keep you from meeting women.
YOU are the only one who will keep you from making friends.

Listen, man. We all die alone. After everything is over, we die alone. Don't live life alone. Don't let silly little conceptions of what is "cool" or "uncool" keep you from enjoying life. If you want to hang out with people who love doing what you want, then look for groups in your area. The truth is, man, when you become comfortable in your own skin, it will show. When you feel good about who you are regardless of your friends or women, then you will have more friends and women by default. A person who exudes confidence is inherently more popular with everybody around him. It is your own form of social proof.

And concerning your issues with Indian girls...I have dated both a north Indian and south indian girl, both of whom were total sexaholics. They would do ANYTHING. So I don't know what you're talking about - but if you can push the right buttons in these reserved, repressed women, they will open up to you in ways you can't imagine.

salut

~Vibe~

 

[Desdinova]

I learned a while back not to let other people (or lack of other people) stop me from doing the things I enjoyed. There was this concert I wanted to attend, and I invited some chick I knew. I waited around for her to call. I put a higher priority on me attending this concert than attending with HER. I gave up on waiting for her to call and went by myself. It was a fantastic concert, and I ended up running into a few people I knew there.

Eventually, I began going to more concerts by myself. I began meeting new people and getting phone numbers. People would be surprised when I told them I came by myself, but they would be intrigued.

What happened is I would go out and do the things I enjoyed. Women are always around, and you'll meet people who have the same interests as you. I've made new friends from attending concerts, and I was able to get some numbers while I was at it.

However, the worst thing you can do is go do something you enjoy with a 5hitty attitude. If you go and say "I'm not going to have any fun because I'm not with a friend or a HB", then you're going to be miserable the whole time. Go in with a positive attitude and you'll have a blast no matter who you're with (if anybody)

 

[kk2004]

ic

Im starting to learn a painful but maybe a useful lesson and that is to not to let other people make me happy, and to not be people centered. I was reading the 7 habits of highly effectvive people and I realized that Im that guy that is friend centered. That means that what other think of me, is also what I think about myself.


"Sounds to me like you are missing something within yourself and just using women and popularity to fill it up. That won't make it go away. You will feel good one second and absolutely horrible the next. You need to get comfortable in your own skin." -vibe

----This is why I have been feeling ****ty even when i do get to Hang out and party or go club hopping, or do some crzazy wild things, it makes me happy for a while untill I feel the need to go do them all over again. Having a girl made me happy for a while then after it stopped, and it didnt offer any excitiment or more important any satisfaction. It didnt give me any satisfaction.

One time I went to three clubs in one night I was happy for about two, three days I was satisfied that yes "Look Ive done things like everyone else, I had fun I got to see and do cool things I got to taste the life of outgoing social people but there is so much more only if i had the skill and the connections." --My college counceller told me that I live a very sheltered life. I think she is right, because these things wouldnt be such a big deal for me if i had already done them when i was younger. Dating, hooking up, sex, partying, dancing, approaching women, smoking, driving and comming home 5 in the morning, getting trashed, having bbq's with friends, making plans with friends to movies to parties to clubs or going to the beach or just driving around or playing poker or just being bums and just laughing and doing stupid things. I live a very sheltered life and I guess i feel miserable and unhappy because I dont have the know how (anxiety sh*t like that) to get out and meet ppl who like things like that and i dont have the means (no car).

Even when I do get to do these things, it never makes me happy for long at least, im unhappy again in a short while, I guess maybe because I know I have social anxiety it kills the thing I enjoy too. I never feel full i always end up feeling empty in the end. Maybe Im doing the wrong things, or maybe Im using them as fills to make up for some kind of inadequate feeling I might have inside me, that tells me that If i dont do these things that Im a loser then.

You might be right, I use people and things that I consider "cool" to fill up an emptiness inside me and I dont know what that emptiness is from or why i feel that way.

How can I make the emptiness go away when I know that women and having many friends or doing the things that I mentioned earlier make me happy but only for a short while.

What kind of things will give me permanent satisfaction?

 

[Visceral]

IMO ...

No such thing as "permanent". Satisfaction will come and go no matter how much you want it to stay put. That's why you've got to keep on the move, always pushing for the next level or sometimes something completely different.

Find a quiet place to sit and think long and hard about what YOU want out of life. Not what the TV says you want, not what other people say you want, not even what you expect to want, but what YOU, independent of any external stimulus or preconception, want.

Don't resist what you see either. You've been fed pre-packaged dreams since you were a kid and you probably don't know anything else, so something from within is probably going to go against everything you've always been told is what matters.

If you have a legitimate complaint, or too much to lose by pursuing what you see, then turn on the logic and figure out something additional to do to fix the problem, but without sacrificing the original goal.

Just my $0.02

 

[Vibe]

Re: ic

Originally posted by kk2004

How can I make the emptiness go away when I know that women and having many friends or doing the things that I mentioned earlier make me happy but only for a short while.

What kind of things will give me permanent satisfaction?

Well these are things you will have to sort out on your own. Nobody can tell you what is missing from your life.

First and foremost, you have a self esteem issue. You are more confident in other people than you are in yourself. Because you don't feel that you can trust your own judgement of how "cool" you are, you need other people to do that for you. So when you're hanging out with people and you feel loved and accepted by your peer group, you are on a high, but as soon as you are alone or somebody says something negative to you, you come crashing down. This sounds like you may be bipolar on some level. But it is good because it stems directly from your self esteem.

Because you can pinpoint the issue, it is not so difficult to fix as a bipolar disorder. What you have to do is work at becoming more confident in yourself and who you are. Remind yourself all the time that the world is not a measure of who you are inside. Do the things you like, find a hobby. Get good at it. Learn as much as you can. Whatever it is that you enjoy doing just for yourself. Rock-climbing, playing music, drawing, etc. Then when you do a great drawing or write a great song, you can show it to someone and they will support you. And later on, you will realize that your song was great even without them seeing it. Your drawing was awesome before some dude told you. That is the beginnings of self-confidence.

You may also consider therapy. People look down on it because they think it is for people who are "crazy" but that isn't true. It is basically just a way to talk about your problems and work through them. Just like you are doing here on this board but with someone who really knows what they are talking about. Look into it. I would recommend group therapy. It would jibe well with your situation.

~Vibe~

 

[coder]

Dude, you’re Indian. Don’t you know anything about Hinduism? Your ego is what is making you unhappy and you want to give it more power? Feeding your ego just makes it more hungry. Stop it. Your problem is that your world view is completely incorrect. And why is it incorrect? Because your ego is tricking you into believing things that are incorrect. You are an amazing person. You do not need to do anything to prove your self worth because it is your birth right. Just like every other person on this planet, your ego has only as much of your personal power as you give it.

I want to you try something. Next time you are walking around thinking you are a loser, pretend for a moment that you are the king of the world. What would your posture be like? What would your tone of voice be like? Would you be walking fast or slowly? Would your eyes be making contact with others, or avoiding it? If you make eye contact with another person, who would break eye contact first? The king or the peasant? If you do look away, do you look down or to the side?

You keep saying you see “cool” people. How do you know they are cool? Analyze that. Is it the way they carry themselves? American woman are fascinated by foreign men. It is your choice if this is an advantage or a disadvantage to you. It is your choice to carry yourself like a king or like a slave. It is your choice to feel happy or sad. You have the power to decide these things, but first you must decide to stop giving all your power to your ego. You must decide if you can only feel self worth if some else strokes your ego. I give you permission to feel good about yourself. I give you permission to talk to people you don’t know yet. I give you permission to flirt with hot babes. The door to your cell is now open. Walk through it!