Dumped, but for what reason?

[1ncredible]

Here's what happened to me a few months ago and still don't have an answer in my head. Ive recently read a lot of Doc Love and wish I had read it before I met this girl. Anyway I would like some of your opinions' on what possibly went wrong. Or if perhaps she is a 'high maintenance' women

Ok so....

(I'm 26 and she's 22 and we both work shift work in seperate jobs)
I dated a girl I met through 2 mutual friends last Oct for just under a month.
We had 3 dates which went really well, 1st was a casual drink, 2nd was dinner, 3rd was another drink, followed by cinema.
We kissed a little on the 2nd date, but propperly on the 3rd date in the car after the cinema. However she kept pulling away after maybe 5 seconds. We kissed a few times.

**On the 2nd date I paid for the meal and we agreed that she would pay next time. However before we went to the cinema on the 3rd date I had already brought the tickets in advance and surprised her at the entrance.
Don't think this came across as too needy, but thought I'd mention it.**

Anyway I mentioned about a dvd next time and she seemed keen, so a few days later I went round for a dvd. I brought her a small bunch of roses.

We put the dvd on in the living room, there were her house mates around, but they eventually disappeared. Nothing happened apart from the odd kiss and cuddling whilst watching it. We never had sex...she did initiate holding my hand early on, but again she'd pull away when kissing and seemed to be 'squriming' when I kissed her nexk and chest. I decided that that night, we wouldn't take things further into the bedroom. We did have a nice passionate kiss at the door as I left and she waved to me as I drove off (just something I noticed).

2 days later me, her and the other 2 mutual friends went out together for the day (the 2 friends are together and the girl is her friend, and the guy is my good mate). That day she was really distant with me and barely spoke to me (when we were sat down to lunch she told her friend that another guy had texted her and that she told him "where to go and that she doesn't play games"-Think she wanted me to hear that). The other 2 noticed it aswell and afterwards when I got home she text me saying "sorry she had been distant and that she wasn't sure how she was feeling, what are you thinking?"

I basically said I wasn't sure If I was doing something wrong and that I really liked her. She said I was "lovely and done nothing wrong. I do like you and want to meet again but I don't normally ... nice guys" She missed a word out in that text between 'normally' and 'nice', may have been an accidental mistake.

I foolishly made the mistake of arranging another date, instead of cooling it off and let her make the next move. I mentioned 2 things we could do but she had to cancel due to reasons which I think are totally legit. Then she said I could come round and watch tv in the afternoon (just over a week after our day out). So I did

When I went round she had chest infection (why ask me around then?) we didn't talk about 'us', but just general stuff. I tried to kiss her but she said she couldn't because of her infection. So I left after a couple of hours.

Half hour after getting in, she text me saying she just wanted to be friends, thought I was lovely but saw me more as a friend. I replied with "It's your decision and I respect that, Id love to be than just friends. Is it that I'm not your type?"
She replied with "It's not that you're not my type, but just doesn't feel like we have a spark between us, just feels like we're meeting as friends rather than anything else."
I finally said "I was taking it all slowly as we're still in the early stages of dating and that I did feel a spark. But if you don't then friends is cool"

Since then Ive been in pretty much NC (certainly haven't been nagging or pleading with her). She text me before I went on hol in Nov saying to have "brilliant time...and to think of me at work" (the last bit I thought was a bit odd). A text at Christmas and NY and that's it.

I did text her about 6 weeks ago asking how she was etc. and she replied, asking me a couple questions too. We sent just maybe 4 texts and that was it.

**Biggest questions are, did that the fact that we didn't get physically sexual on the dvd night (4th date) put her off me completely? Her interest level in me went right down after that night as I found out on our day out, or maybe it was the roses? - she said I had done nothing wrong**

**Bare in mind on the 3rd date, we would kiss, but kept pulling away**

Just a couple of other pointers-
-I know for a fact she can be really moody, 1 minute she's fine, next she is grumpy and grotty according to my mate, who is always round their house as he is seeing her friend. Also her friend said she can be a little weird (hot and cold).
-Some of her texts were weird in that Id tell her to have a good night shift etc and that I'm off to bed etc, and she'd just reply a few hours later with one word like "night".
-My mate said she likes 'It dirty'
-Apparently only had 2 previous boyfriends, one when she was 15-17yrs, then one at uni, when apparently one day she woke up and he had just gone.

Id like also to point out that I mentioned twice to her that I was taking everything slowly and that I wasn't in a rush about things.

Seem to think that she only invited me around to watch tv so that she could dump me. Think she had already made her mind up on our day out, when she was being distant.

I know I should just forget about her and move on, but I do still like her and think it's a shame, we got on really well and I don't think she gave us long enough. We are friends and apparently she wants to keep in contact, but I don't do the platonic relationship thing, my feelings are going slowly. I NEVER hear from her either, no text or anything. But I know if I texted her she'd reply.
There are no bad feelings at all and I did see her to speak about 3 weeks ago and we spoke for a few minutes.

Know its not likely she'll come back and deep down she's probably not good for me, but I'm curious as to where it all went wrong. Ive dated a fair few women, but not one like her. Perhaps I was too nice to her and I know all about the womens' view of guys that are 'too nice'. The 'no spark' could be the reason and maybe just doesn't feel like there is chemistry, if so then fair enough and I'll move on. I could text her to ask to confirm it again, but feel it's a little late. To be honest I thought she may change her mind and come back. We never called each other and the whole texting thing through out our dating peiod was very brief - I wanted to save the convo for the dates.

Any opinions are much appreciated. Longest relationship Ive been in was 6 months ago a few years back. Ive dated a fair few girls since then (less than 20), but most Ive just not been that interested in.

 

[Isko]

The impression I get is that she's hotter than other girls you've been with, or at least ACTS like she's hotter, so you felt like you had to be on your "best behavior" and try to impress her, which was exactly the wrong thing to do.

She said you didn't have a spark, and if SHE doesn't feel a spark then YOU don't either... But you were trying to force a relationship anyway, probably because you thought she was hot.

Just focus on creating that spark, because if it's not there, then neither of you will truly have fun (even if you get to sleep with a hot girl.)

BTW she doesn't sound like a good relationship partner to me. Find a "good girl" for that.

 

[sodbuster]

Moody and you want to be around her? Are women that scarce?

 

[1ncredible]

Isko - you got it right there, YES she is hotter than other girls Ive been with and the whole situation about everything was perfect....though I know you shouldn't go into a relationship just because she lives nearby or work shifts same as you do etc.

I wasn't sure how relevant the whole spark thing as she first went all distant on our day out together, which was 2 days after the dvd night where nothing intimate happened. She gave me the 'nice guy' speech, but wanted to meet again. (Yes I know I should have either ended it there, or blown it right off and let her make the next move).

She said about the lack of spark after the final time I saw her (when she wouldn't let me kiss her). Apparently "felt like we were meeting as friends".

My argument was how can we feel 'together' if you're not going to let me near you, not that I said that.

Anyway it's been a couple months and haven't heard anything from her (no texts). Not going to waste anymore time on her, but I was curious as to where it went wrong.

Too hot 'n' cold, can't have her head screwed on propperly is what most people say.

 

[Teflon_Mcgee]

Yes, without a doubt, your problem is that you didn't bang her on the DVD night (and probably before that.)


Remember one simple rule:
DO NOT TRY TO DATE A GIRL YOU ARE NOT SLEEPING WITH.
Once you sleep with her you can be as nice as you want (okay not really, but close.)

 

[1ncredible]

Teflon, that's what I thought it mainly was and I kick myself for it.

Anyway what's done is done, once a friend always a friend I know.

In your opinion what kind of girl does she sound like to you? Picky?

She must have been testing me properly and I was oblivious. TBH I'm picky when It comes to women and didn't see it coming before it was over.

 

[sosocool]

Your problem lies deeper than in how you act. I think it has to do with how you VIEW women, yourself, and dating. It's your attitude. Your mindset -- whatever you want to call it. For instance, here's a quote from your post:

"...we got on really well and I don't think she gave us long enough. We are friends and apparently she wants to keep in contact..."

Did you notice anything strange? Perhaps a girlish quality in your attitude regarding you and this girl? Reread your post and tell me if you can recognize the problem that lead to my conclusion which I am about to reveal.

Now allow me to highlight the problem for you:

"...we got on really well and I don't think **SHE GAVE US** long enough. We are friends and apparently **SHE WANTS** to keep in contact..."

It seems as though she was the one calling the shots. Could it the reason for her not feeling that spark for you be because she felt she had the control, and not you -- the man? If women are sexually and naturlly attracted to men because they exude confidence, power, and control and you were not projecting any of those things, could that be the reason she felt no real, sexual attraction for you and therefore felt you were better off her friend? What if things were done differently. Here's what I mean by different:

"...we got on really well and I don't think **I GAVE US** long enough. We are friends and **I WANT** to keep in contact..."

Ofcourse if things were different you'd be more than friends but you get my point.

I'm no master don juan, I'm still trying to get good with them so don't take my reply as advice, only feedback on your post.

good luck.

 

[slaog]

She told you the reason. You're a "nice guy". Thats the kiss of death as far as attraction goes. Thats you being put firmly into the friendzone. Paying for everything and buying gifts are 2 symptoms of being a nice guy.


Check out the different between nice guys and bad boys. You'll understand things a whole lot better then.

 

[WC2]

You paid for everything. You used a 'romantic surprise' method that is only CUTE if you're actually seeing a girl for awhile.

AND YOU BOUGHT HER ROSES. ROSES.

You were treating her as she was the prize. You were no prize to her.

Girls who are head over heels for guys are head over heels because HE is the prize and she feels that she must buy something FOR YOU.

Paying for everything on the first date is OK. The second date.. ehhh maybe.

But buying her roses for no apparent reason was the kiss of death. I did this years ago also on one of my first dates and trust me, she friend zoned me so quick I couldn't even interpret what was happening.

Once she saw that you were NEEDY for her, she started second guessing you. She thought to herself.. "Why should I go for this guy when it was this easy? I want a guy I have to WORK for."

And there you go. That's why she stopped seeing you intimately.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

**On the 2nd date I paid for the meal and we agreed that she would pay next time. However before we went to the cinema on the 3rd date I had already brought the tickets in advance and surprised her at the entrance.

Your supplicating too much already; buying the tickets as "a surprise" after you already paid for dinner is bad because to the girl she interprets this as "please hang out with me and I'll pay for everything because I don't feel confident in my ability to attract you without an incentive in it for you." Strike 1

Anyway I mentioned about a dvd next time and she seemed keen, so a few days later I went round for a dvd. I brought her a small bunch of roses.

Are you serious? Dude get your head out of the Hollywood love stories and make believe land! This is GAME OVER right here! She officially cut you when you brought the roses, because it CONFIRMED to her that you are not confident and really really liked her when she hasn't showed you ANYTHING yet. Another case of a guy giving a girl self worth based on her looks.

We put the dvd on in the living room, there were her house mates around, but they eventually disappeared. Nothing happened apart from the odd kiss and cuddling whilst watching it. We never had sex...she did initiate holding my hand early on, but again she'd pull away when kissing and seemed to be 'squriming' when I kissed her nexk and chest. I decided that that night, we wouldn't take things further into the bedroom.

Your wrong here; SHE decided that she was not interested in you sexually and you realized this on that night. Despite you thinking you lost her because you didn't fuvk her on this night, you actually lost her because as others have said you didn't come off as a confident, strong male. You came off as a desperate, chump, clinging to her for validation.


2 days later me, her and the other 2 mutual friends went out together for the day (the 2 friends are together and the girl is her friend, and the guy is my good mate). That day she was really distant with me and barely spoke to me (when we were sat down to lunch she told her friend that another guy had texted her and that she told him "where to go and that she doesn't play games"-Think she wanted me to hear that). The other 2 noticed it aswell and afterwards when I got home she text me saying "sorry she had been distant and that she wasn't sure how she was feeling, what are you thinking?"

She is beyond dis-interested at this point and your right she was trying to tell you indirectly by talking about other guys... immature, but common with young girls.

I basically said I wasn't sure If I was doing something wrong and that I really liked her. She said I was "lovely and done nothing wrong. I do like you and want to meet again but I don't normally ... nice guys" She missed a word out in that text between 'normally' and 'nice', may have been an accidental mistake.

Burying yourself after the nail was already in the coffin. Never ever verbalize your feelings for a girl until either a) she has first b) you know for sure that she is crazy about you. Ever heard of the phrase "be a challenge?" This is where you failed miserably... you were predictable, infatuated and clingy. While you might not be like this in your everyday life; this is the impression you gave off with your behavior and actions.

I foolishly made the mistake of arranging another date, instead of cooling it off and let her make the next move. I mentioned 2 things we could do but she had to cancel due to reasons which I think are totally legit. Then she said I could come round and watch tv in the afternoon (just over a week after our day out).

Again you even recognize that you should back off, but let your emotions cloud your better judgment. Then the first thing she mentions you automatically agree to, do you see the predictably and clingy behavior that she felt?

When I went round she had chest infection (why ask me around then?) we didn't talk about 'us', but just general stuff. I tried to kiss her but she said she couldn't because of her infection. So I left after a couple of hours.

Another tip: You, the man should never talk about "us." Your the girl in this relationship and she's the man. Why would you try to kiss her when she's sick?

Half hour after getting in, she text me saying she just wanted to be friends, thought I was lovely but saw me more as a friend. I replied with "It's your decision and I respect that, Id love to be than just friends. Is it that I'm not your type?"

Reading this is like nails on a chalk-board! Bro where is your self respect?? Your reply in your text is beyond pathetic, sorry I'm just being honest here and trying to give you tough love rather than sugar coat this so you'll learn from your mistakes. In the future you should be the one thinking about whether the girl is your type or not... not the other way around.

She replied with "It's not that you're not my type, but just doesn't feel like we have a spark between us, just feels like we're meeting as friends rather than anything else."

Translation: "Your too much of a push-over and that doesn't get my vagina wet....


I finally said "I was taking it all slowly as we're still in the early stages of dating and that I did feel a spark. But if you don't then friends is cool"

Why even reply here? Where's your dignity? But again, you keep digging the knife in the wound and confirm her belief that your a chump with this response.

She text me before I went on hol in Nov saying to have "brilliant time...and to think of me at work" (the last bit I thought was a bit odd). A text at Christmas and NY and that's it.

Your over-analyzing... you are now one of the horses in her stable. A horse = one of the plenty guys who want/wanted her and she rejected, but still hang around hoping one day they'll get another shot

I did text her about 6 weeks ago asking how she was etc. and she replied, asking me a couple questions too. We sent just maybe 4 texts and that was it.

STOP TEXTING HER!!! SHE'S NOT INTERESTED!! She has no benefit for you. You already mentioned she's a little nutty, so she's not gonna introduce you to other chicks and help you get laid, so there's no need to keep in touch at all.

**Biggest questions are, did that the fact that we didn't get physically sexual on the dvd night (4th date) put her off me completely? Her interest level in me went right down after that night as I found out on our day out, or maybe it was the roses? - she said I had done nothing wrong**

It was your whole attitude from the 1st date on. Paying at first wasn't that big of a deal, the surprise wasn't the killer; the roses were sniper shots right in your heart... game over. You lost this girl because of your behavior; and believe me she would not have slept with you.

-I know for a fact she can be really moody, 1 minute she's fine, next she is grumpy and grotty according to my mate, who is always round their house as he is seeing her friend. Also her friend said she can be a little weird (hot and cold).

And these are the traits of a girl you really really like? She sounds like a selfish c*nt.


-Some of her texts were weird in that Id tell her to have a good night shift etc and that I'm off to bed etc, and she'd just reply a few hours later with one word like "night".

Don't text girls pointless s%it like "have a good night" in the future. It shows that your thinking of her and again you don't want to reveal your interest level so early on... especially when you don't know how she feels about you.


-My mate said she likes 'It dirty'

She likes it dirty and you gave it to her clean.... She likes bad boys, meaning a guy who operates on his own schedule, not hers.

Id like also to point out that I mentioned twice to her that I was taking everything slowly and that I wasn't in a rush about things.

Stop saying this stuff!! It can only hurt you not help..

Seem to think that she only invited me around to watch tv so that she could dump me. Think she had already made her mind up on our day out, when she was being distant.

Yup...

I know I should just forget about her and move on, but I do still like her and think it's a shame, we got on really well and I don't think she gave us long enough.

Actually she gave you 2 extra dates.... girls know right away if they like a guy and equally they know right away when they don't. The earlier it is in a situation, the easier it is for her to drop you like that.

We are friends and apparently she wants to keep in contact, but I don't do the platonic relationship thing, my feelings are going slowly.

Your not friends, you are one of the horses in her stable and she doesn't offer you any benefit in your life; drop her completely and move on.

I NEVER hear from her either, no text or anything. But I know if I texted her she'd reply.

Of course because you validate her and give her attention; she uses you for attention now, nothing else.

I could text her to ask to confirm it again, but feel it's a little late.

You start to post stuff saying "perhaps I was too nice" and "I know all about the women's view of guys who are too nice" - that makes me think your getting it. Then you say stuff like "I could text her to ask to confirm again" that make me cringe and shake my head. Why on earth would you ever text a girl to CONFIRM that she is not interested??" NEVER DO THAT, UNLESS YOU ENJOY BEING THE BUTT OF JOKES AND HAVING NO SELF RESPECT.


To be honest I thought she may change her mind and come back.

Not a chance...

You need to read the DJ Bible bro.... you've got a lot to learn.


Good luck!




PIMP

 

[DonGorgon]

the reason you are dumped only matters when you are to needy... the FACT is one woman is out of your life .. go get another one..(she has another dude/s)