Dryden's Homecoming Thread

[Dryden]

Just a thread about my personal escapades or lack thereof, so I can put things that happen to me in a single place.

Since I asked advice about confidence I have taken a few steps to initiate online chats with girls, just a few. Enough for now. I felt something changing in me, I started caring less.

Then I had some date with some girl in an online game. I practiced some confidence moves and got to realize that indeed the girl wants me to act strong, while she is testing whether I will; and if I do, she will come back to me or do what I want her to do.

I also realized that things don't have to work out right at the start.

Today I got admitted to a mental hospital. There is a woman here that I am very comfortable with and we had great conversations. I realized I had to try to get closer to her, but she is married. She absolutely doesn't want me to kiss her. Still, the man in me decided to go along and pursue her anyway.

I feel I'm doing what I have to do and most of the time I'm not even doing that. I gave her a goodnight kiss, she just came to my door saying that she didn't like it at all especially because everyone saw it. I avoided her gaze, mumbling something like "okay... it doesn't matter right."

She tries to tell me I'm a sweet guy but just as a friend, but I'm just not having that. She wants me to respect her boundaries. I can't really do that. If I do that it means just denying every impulse I have, not doing the things I know I should be doing, and not being the man I should be. I'm just following up on basic instincts, I just don't have the guts to look her in the eye and say that I'm just doing what a man should do.

So yeah she wants to friendzone me and I'll just have to tell her I can't have that.

 

[Dryden]

Seems I was a little bit foolish. My perception is skewed at times. My pupils were extremely dilated, she thought I had used something lol. She really turned me on, in a way.

"Going back to basics, I don't know what it is.
I seem to like disaster, I only want to kiss."

 

[Dryden]

No it was a fellow patient. Some writer woman. We hit it off (in a friendly way) like never before.

Alright, some more of the story. I'm diagnosed schizophrenic. Been to that place 3 times before. This time I went there to strengthen up a bit.. since I haven't been able to take good care of myself. You know, three meals a day. It wasn't really that necessary that I went, but I thought let's give it a go. These doctors can be convinced you need it anyway. Gives them a reason to act out their hobby/profession. Anyone else would probably raise questions why I went there, but ok.

I got a little bit delusional due to the excitement. Started thinking I needed to push things with her a little.

Lol how that went wrong. I gave her a goodnight kiss on her cheek. Now she feels sexually assaulted. Completely lost it. This morning she went completely nuts, telling me that she would kill me if I ever got near her again. Actually yelling it at me in the middle of the group. She was taken away by some nurse.

Now she keeps losing it whenever anyone defends me, takes my side, or tells her that her act this morning was unacceptable.

Alright so this is a nuthouse and there are nutty people. I should expect some trouble and best to keep things calm and stable, not do anything extreme, weird or outrageous. Especially not use it as a ground for personal growth or as a place to do new things and take new steps.

Still, that's what I did, and I feel a bit betrayed by the teachings that say that moving fast, so to speak, is a good thing. Of course, my understanding is completely limited. Nevertheless, I just acted on what I knew or thought would be a good thing to do, but it turned into sexual assault in a certain way. With this woman, it would have been best to build up friendship slowly... to earn credit in her eyes. Make it a solid foundation of friendship... and if then ever anything were to happen, it wouldn't come out of the blue and destroy something that had only existed for 6 hours.

Because we really had great conversations. Big shame I ended it up like this. Could, maybe could have been a good friendship. But that's already water under the bridge.

Feel angry as well at the 'teachers' of the DJ/PUA doctrine / philosophy. But anyway, glad I can get it off of my chest here.

My story is that I have been mentally ill for 8 years. This makes personal development a troublesome experience because personal growth always involves trying out new things and that can destabilize me. New ideas - I can run off with them. Do crazy stuff. Make enemies. Hurt people. Make it up again. Hurt some more people. Not the most stable of conditions to work on your self. And yet the work is needed to ever get rid of this condition. My past problems / unconscious trauma is what created the illness in the first place.

Typically psychiatrists will tell you that any kind of real therapy is a Bad Thing for someone who is not entirely stable. The result is that patients like this just don't get any real therapy at all. They are given medication and are invited to work on day structure and stabilization of the daily routine. That's also what I'm working on, but yeah.... I tend to approach things with a bit of a pioneer's mind as it relates to "how to be" and "what to do".

I'm not the wisest of people, yet I do what I can..

Glad I can express that here.

Regards, Dryden.

 

[Dryden]

So the woman had a sexual abuse history of PTSD which would explain her reactions.

Somethign interesting though:

When the woman lashed out against me in her rage fit she responded so disproportionately to what I had done to her, that all the patients and all the personnel were actually on my side thereafter.

She was in fights with everyone because she kept lashing out at people and wouldn't offer any apologies to me.

So remember: when you want to respond to something disrespectful that someone does to you, be sure to remain composed or at least respond in a fashion that is proportionate to the event that has been visited upon you, or you will lose support of bystanders.

 

[Dryden]

I've been running into approach anxiety and opportunities that I never take, for ages now. Today there was a cute girl in the clinic I had never seen before. She was talking to some nurse. My first impulse was to approach and say "hey <nurse> who is this, won't you introduce me? " Of course I didn't, because the thought was dead before I had had time to know it. Then the opportunity was past. Afterwards I just sat down next to some girl I had never talked to before and tried to make some convo, just as a second-best thing. Was very awkward. Kept saying stupid things.

My task in this life seems to be to heal / thaw some emotional ice, to get to my core and develop self esteem. I wonder if it is ever possible without real action. DJism is the most practical spiritual path that I know of.

The whole idea of inner game / outer game is reminiscent of the pattern that, in order to act different, you must be different, doing is not being, and yet, being is expressed by doing. You can achieve beingness through doingness but not as a result of the doing, but rather as something that preceeds the doing. The doing must be of a higher level, to reach that level.