Downgrading girl from recent exclusivity to plate

[Ranger]

Against my better judgement I recently granted exclusivity to a 23 yr old woman at her request, she is very hot but quickly realizing she will be a future train wreck of a girlfriend. I'm 38 and really don't want the headaches, entitlements and antics that come with a young very hot woman. It just feels like constant behavior corrections, I don't have the patience for it. My question is do you verbalize she has been downgraded to plate or just do it. If I do tell her, any ideas on the best way to say it to keep her spinning? My inclination is to just tell her. She will probably be pissed off for a few weeks but let her come back to me after on my new terms. If she never comes back, not the end of the world either.

Tell her you need a break. When she comes back. Plate established. Put her back under competition as a penalty for bad behavior.
First chance I get, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

 

[Spaz]

I get what you are saying and yeah that’s a great example. Yes there are sadly couples who bicker over stuff that small it’s crazy.

But I’m taking about one person not wanting to be someone’s plate and the other person wanting them to be a plate.
That’s a deeper issue than pizza or Macdonalds or whether she buys a cheap or overpriced purse.
And I’m not suggesting that men aim to keep being agreeable and please her all of the time. That’s impossible for anyone to do, including her. Unless we are robots lol and we aren’t right?
This isn’t about taking something away from a man by him seeing something from her perspective or being agreeable. There is and should always be a limit to his agreeableness and that limit is when she crosses his line of what behaviour he will accept from her, and that goes both ways of course.

Just trying to point out some common ground here .

The problem is my dear, women always want more...and more....and even more. They r never satisfied. You do acknowledged it don't you, being a woman urself?

And the guy, not wanting to argue will continously please her but not realising that the more he does the more unsatisfied she'll be. You see that's the nature of men in general.

This is why many relationships between men and women fail. The man is basically "convinced" by the woman and then he goes in auto "pleasing my woman to prove my love" mode. Suddenly he has lost his back bone and the more he pleases her the more she gets turned off. Simply put how can she trust him to defend her when he can't even defend himself against her own unwarranted bullying? Or like OP he gets fed up and then reduces her a step lower - that's the proper response to his situation. But for the vast majority of men (prolly 90%) it's the latter rather then the former. Sadly but true.

Now as for the application of "plates". Let's not call it plates as it sounds degrading to a woman, let's instead call it "potentials" or "love interest" or even my "significant half that I'm have not decide to marry yet", the terms r actually the same to a man but different to how a woman perceives it. And a woman accepts that a man of high value has many "potentials", is it not right AJ?

Would these then sooth your delicate sensibilities? Because it does for almost all of those women that I've reduced to plates and in almost all instances every single one of them wants to be the chosen "one".

In this way she knows the man she's after has value and someone different from the herd of men out there. He will only take the best of the best. And if it's her, then she's special ain't she?

Wouldn't you want to be special AJ?

 

[jaygreenb]

This is how I left it last night. I had been withdrawing attention because she had been arguing a boundary I set up when she asked for exclusivity. She agreed to it at the time(around a month ago) but wanted to change the terms after. When I told her no on Saturday, she stormed off and left in a pretty rude way. She had been blowing up my phone with some texts being apologetic then some mad then some trying to argue her position some more. I ignored most of it but replied last night. Not mad or anything but to me it's disrespectful and an indicator of future nonsense, among other things. Fun to hang with, great sex but would be a bad girlfriend. Really self absorbed.


Me: Hey, you can hangout with whomever, it’s all good. Have a goodnight
Her: What does that mean?
Me: Exactly what I said.
Her: It’s not like I’m looking to hangout with anyone…
Her: So you still want to see each other? Or no?
Me: We can hangout sometime
Her: I’m not going to see anyone else so it can’t be “we can hangout sometime”.
Her: You’re being difficult
Her: Forget it

I replied "ok" but think she blocked me because the message doesn't say delivered. Anyway, just going to hang back and let her contact me. No exclusivity on the table anymore if she comes back. I'll keep things updated.

 

[Ranger]

I get what you are saying and yeah that’s a great example. Yes there are sadly couples who bicker over stuff that small it’s crazy.

But I’m taking about one person not wanting to be someone’s plate and the other person wanting them to be a plate.
That’s a deeper issue than pizza or Macdonalds or whether she buys a cheap or overpriced purse.
And I’m not suggesting that men aim to keep being agreeable and please her all of the time. That’s impossible for anyone to do, including her. Unless we are robots lol and we aren’t right?
This isn’t about taking something away from a man by him seeing something from her perspective or being agreeable. There is and should always be a limit to his agreeableness and that limit is when she crosses his line of what behaviour he will accept from her, and that goes both ways of course.

Just trying to point out some common ground here .

What is the end game? I completely understand your position. Why doesn’t she just say...”oh, hell no. I’m not going to be his plate.” And just move on? What dynamic is this that she can’t do that? Or if she does she might say the rest of her life...”He was the one that got away.”
Is it not true that a woman wants what she wants?
Would it then not be acceptable for a man to want what he wants?
Did he lie to her? Did he in some way violate her sensibilities? Or did she just think that she could “glow” him into acceptability for a relationship?
What’s the end game?
Is it not true that if a woman stops feeling something for a man that she is supported and suggestions are made for her to move to another man or men? What universe are you coming from? The most important question of all...should he be somehow shamed or ridiculed because he’s not operating in that universe that you operate in?

 

[AJ84]

The problem is my dear, women always want more...and more....and even more. They r never satisfied. You do acknowledged it don't you, being a woman urself?

And the guy, not wanting to argue will continously please her but not realising that the more he does the more unsatisfied she'll be. You see that's the nature of men in general.

This is why many relationships between men and women fail. The man is basically "convinced" by the woman and then he goes in auto "pleasing my woman to prove my love" mode. Suddenly he has lost his back bone and the more he pleases her the more she gets turned off. Simply put how can she trust him to defend her when he can't even defend himself against her own unwarranted bullying? Or like OP he gets fed up and then reduces her a step lower - that's the proper response to his situation. But for the vast majority of men (prolly 90%) it's the latter rather then the former. Sadly but true.

Now as for the application of "plates". Let's not call it plates as it sounds degrading to a woman, let's instead call it "potentials" or "love interest" or even my "significant half that I'm have not decide to marry yet", the terms r actually the same to a man but different to how a woman perceives it. And a woman accepts that a man of high value has many "potentials", is it not right AJ?

Would these then sooth your delicate sensibilities? Because it does for almost all of those women that I've reduced to plates and in almost all instances every single one of them wants to be the chosen "one".

In this way she knows the man she's after has value and someone different from the herd of men out there. He will only take the best of the best. And if it's her, then she's special ain't she?

Wouldn't you want to be special AJ?

Not like that, no. But hey if it’s working for you that’s awesome.
I have something that works for me too. It’s all good Spaz

 

[jaygreenb]

Tell her you need a break. When she comes back. Plate established. Put her back under competition as a penalty for bad behavior.
First chance I get, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

You think my response basically told her that? I'm just going to operate that way and see other people, don't see any point in mentioning it to her now.

 

[jaygreenb]

Younger, inexperienced, and entitled?
or
Older, experienced, and ridiculous amounts of baggage?

These are the strange choices we make in life.

No kidding, at this point in my life women are low on my priority list. I have resigned to the fact that the women I like to sleep with make terrible girlfriends so would be stupid to try and force it. I'll have some fun though.

 

[Spaz]

Not like that, no. But hey if it’s working for you that’s awesome.
I have something that works for me too. It’s all good Spaz

Haha okay AJ I'm glad it does.

 

[jaygreenb]

You did a tremendous job sticking up for yourself and your boundary.

You're lucky that she violated it so overtly and so early.

This is one of those examples where the boundary Theory saves a lot of time up front. Having experienced when the boundary Theory actually prolongs a bad relationship, I tend to not set them anymore.

Thanks man. So your belief is a boundary just delays an inevitable action? Better to see that action sooner and save time? Haven't thought of it that way before, makes sense though. I am not usually a big verbalize boundary type of guy either unless really called for, can come off as controlling. I just saw so many potential landmines because of her age, the attention she gets and previous weak men she dealt with. I thought lets just give this a try and see if she is coach able.

 

[jaygreenb]

I think setting a boundary is normally a good thing, and your situation is exactly why. If she is pathological, she will violate the boundary quickly and you will be on your way out soon and painlessly. Everything is clear cut and you won't regret leaving, makes things easy. If you're very lucky, she will disagree outright and you avoid the relationship altogether.

The issues come up when they value you enough and have the skillset to hide boundary violations that you would otherwise see occur in plain sight. By the time they overtly do the violation you will already have invested a lot more into it(years) and the boundary itself is essentially worthless as an escape pod. Even worse, they can read so much into your value system based on your boundaries that they will totally mirror you and become your perfect girlfriend, even though their values are literally the exact opposite. Finally, they will use your boundary as a weapon to restrict you. You're essentially showing your hand.

My advice is, if you feel like overt boundaries are necessary to "coach" someone and for your own peace of mind, the situations where they work best, you probably shouldn't be entertaining a relationship with them to begin with.

Very good advice, that is the lesson of this situation. It is very fortunate to get these violations early too before you form a strong emotional attachment. Getting absolutely hammered like that is what brought me to this site 6/7 yrs ago. I made one of those BPD threads wondering what the hell happened like a lot of guys here. It's funny all the lessons and knowledge you pick up with each new female. Really just becoming content with the fact that probably all women are temporary and enjoy the ride.

 

[jaygreenb]

Just an update, she came over last night and agreed to the new terms. She tried to convince me how it could work but I didn't give in, then hung out like everything is normal, had sex a few times.

Any tips on keeping a good level of emotional detachment while maintaining her? If i'm honest with myself, I do like her, and I made need to pull out entirely if I can't keep my feelings in check. I was thinking do not see her more than once a week and keep texting to a minimum. I imagine she will try to push for more.

 

[AJ84]

Just an update, she came over last night and agreed to the new terms. She tried to convince me how it could work but I didn't give in, then hung out like everything is normal, had sex a few times.

Any tips on keeping a good level of emotional detachment while maintaining her? If i'm honest with myself, I do like her, and I made need to pull out entirely if I can't keep my feelings in check. I was thinking do not see her more than once a week and keep texting to a minimum. I imagine she will try to push for more.

She’s playing the agreeable game. Until she either changes your mind or meets someone else offering more. You are now her plate as much as she is yours. She will be on the lookout for someone else to keep her options open just in case she can’t get you to commit. I suggest keeping communication to sex only and enjoy until she moves on to someone else.
Most women don’t want to stay in the plate stage forever and won’t unless they really are not into you to begin with, and/ or are sleeping with other guys anyway or you are her side piece.

 

[jaygreenb]

She’s playing the agreeable game. Until she either changes your mind or meets someone else offering more. You are now her plate as much as she is yours. She will be on the lookout for someone else to keep her options open just in case she can’t get you to commit. I suggest keeping communication to sex only and enjoy until she moves on to someone else.
Most women don’t want to stay in the plate stage forever and won’t unless they really are not into you to begin with, and/ or are sleeping with other guys anyway or you are her side piece.

Yeah, I imagine this will have a limited shelf life. You're probably right, thanks.

 

[AJ84]

Which is what she was already doing before he reconciled the terms to her behavior.

Probably.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Against my better judgement I recently granted exclusivity to a 23 yr old woman at her request, she is very hot but quickly realizing she will be a future train wreck of a girlfriend. I'm 38 and really don't want the headaches, entitlements and antics that come with a young very hot woman. It just feels like constant behavior corrections, I don't have the patience for it. My question is do you verbalize she has been downgraded to plate or just do it. If I do tell her, any ideas on the best way to say it to keep her spinning? My inclination is to just tell her. She will probably be pissed off for a few weeks but let her come back to me after on my new terms. If she never comes back, not the end of the world either.

Jakes on you brah.

I suspect a cuck scenario and you withholding her going full retard.


GOAT status is "I'm not in that place in my life right now. When I get there, I will let you know." #nextset. #goGetBAeeeeeeeeS!

Who gives exclusivity lol

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Just an update, she came over last night and agreed to the new terms. She tried to convince me how it could work but I didn't give in, then hung out like everything is normal, had sex a few times.

Any tips on keeping a good level of emotional detachment while maintaining her? If i'm honest with myself, I do like her, and I made need to pull out entirely if I can't keep my feelings in check. I was thinking do not see her more than once a week and keep texting to a minimum. I imagine she will try to push for more.

You go spin plates. Go get baeeeees. You rotate through women. Weekend being prime time to spin plates. Tuesday Wednesday or Monday are slots for plates. Never give her your weekend.

Never explain. Be vague. Covert. Ambiguous.

Let her figure it out.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Younger, inexperienced, and entitled?
or
Older, experienced, and ridiculous amounts of baggage?

These are the strange choices we make in life.

I'll pursue top form SMV for days son!

All day everyday over baby rabies plummeted or cratered SMV. Said women belong at the carnival for lulz along with the bearded lady and wolf man. Not upgraded to giving away half your chit.