Down in the rain, feeling all the pain, waiting to end, while my mind starts to bend

[Eternal]

Yeah, it's not a song lyric for a title this time. This time, it's what I'm feeling. This post MIGHT take up two pages, so be ready. I've stopped thinking and am just letting words spew out from my fingers across the keyboard.

You can be told how to act, what to say, what to do, how to look, how to feel...But you can't just sit there and let all that happen. You CAN NOT tell someone HOW to feel. Well, you can, but will they listen? Probably not, unless they feel that way already. Girls will cause more pain then you can imagine. Not only to you, but to your friends. Simple words, actions, or situations can cause extreme stress, extreme tension...Extreme danger and heartfelt. "As a friend." I heard that last night and my heart dropped to my shoelaces. I talked to her later and said "How does one become more then friends with you?" "Lots of work." "I have time." One of my best friends around here (who is basically a brother to me) is out right now. Yeah, he's with one of his best friends in the world (they've known each other since they were born basically) and this is all because of a girl. They broke up. They are both sad as hell. Everyone's tired of thier back and forth bullshit. No one needs it anymore. If they have a problem, who do they come to? ME. Who knows more right now then they do? Me. Do I want to? No. Does anyone? Probably not. Does our group hate the hell out of her? Yeah. Do we hate him? No. He followed his heart. He did what he felt was right. She's not doing that, she's following her head. She came to a party tonight at his house. A party she wasn't invited to. They broke up a week ago. She acts like they are still together. He didn't want her there because she would have been bullshiting all night long.

She still has grudges from High School. One of the girls she hates is friends with us. Another girl she hates is friends with us, a sister to my friend. Thank god she didn't know the other girl. She stayed in the car when she showed up though. All she did was call his phone. She didn't understand why no one answered after the 1,000th (literally) time. She also apparently didn't get the fact we told her we were out of town. Take the hint bitch. No one wants you there! The shit needed to stop. He was happy. For once, he was HAPPY. Then SHE kept calling. She caused all of us more pain then imaginable. In our group...If one of us gets hurt, we are all hurt. I might not sleep tonight. My phone is laying on the desk next to me, hoping someone calls and says "it's ok, Chris is fine." I changed her name to "Don't Answer" on my phone list. I might see her tommarow around campus. If I do...It won't be pretty. I don't want to see her. I want to see my friend. I want us all to be happy again. We haven't been happy since day 1. We don't ask for much. We just want to be happy. We don't want anymore of this High School, made for tv drama. We have all had thoughts of just ending it. We don't. Why? We are smarter then that. We know that is the pussy way out. That is what losers do. We are never defeated. Just sidetracked indefiently.

If something was meant to be between people...How would one know? With all this Don Juan "Do this in THIS situation and do THAT in the other situation," how can one know where they end and an actor begins? I don't want sex anymore. That's not why I'm going to go after girls. I haven't LOST interest in having sex with them...I just don't feel like it's important. Now I know why some of my friends are "waiting." I'm not looking for quick sex. I want a girl...One to laugh with, hold, kiss...Be there with. Maybe it's just a dream, but guess what? Everything seems like a dream now.

Worse yet...I'm about to wake up.

 

[SikWitIt]

Wow thats nice im not being sarcastic either.

Get Tipsy.

 

[CableLight]

Dang man, we both made topics with song lyrics in the titles and I wasn't even aware

I know what you're saying though - Theres a point you get to where its just like "What am I doing all this for?" The bad part is no one can tell you (like you mentioned) except yourself. I do know exactly what you mean though, about wanting to not put up with all the dumbass stuff most people do in life like chasing people around just for one night of action, but instead rather just have someone who's exactly like you who you can just instantly click with and hang out with.

You might think it's silly or dream-like, but all I know is that if you think you're dreaming when you talk about there being someone like that...well...then I think everyone of us is doomed to sleep-induced illusions.

 

[LikRetsam]

People are idiots =/
It is the sad truth.

 

[The Antichrist_Star]

We all reach a point where we are forced to ask ourselves... "What the hell I am doing this for?" You have come to this point Joseph. You have come to the point where you must question just exactly why you were placed on this planet... the answer is out there, you just have to find it.

Good Luck...

 

[fezz]

wow dude, this is so weird. I read this post right after I wrote my friend an email about the exact same thing you wrote about. Im really tired of all the DJ stuff in a way, and I do miss just holding hands and being in that "world of your own" with your gf. Its an awesome feeling and I want it back in a way. And since Ive developed this "I dont give a fukk" attitude, its hard to ever get back feelings like this about a girl. Im sure that girl will come along one day. I understand what you are sayin though

 

[Supero Masculus]

Wow, this is a very serious topic. I'm just starting and its very scary to think that all i'll end up with is a broken heart, a bunch of unanswered questions and a world of pain. It is a very scary thing to think about and to prevent further pain there should be some revision to the "carefree attitude" and the "Don't give a ****" shyt. Although i am just starting, i am looking for a LTR or at least somebody to hang with and shyt, but i could really careless if i got laid till i'm married. i could right now if i wanted to. but, there is self control and moral standard inside me that keeps me in check and i believe that having a high moral standard will keep me in balance. Now, this may not fit in with the dj biss, but my youth pastor always told us that one day, we would hit a wall...a wall that everybody has to overcome but the only way to overcome this wall is with God. It may seem like crap but it isn't. i would highly recomend, no i urge you, to look into a religion for the answers. I'm A Christian and have never been so fullfilled. Don't like that? Then keep it to yourself cuase i don't care.

 

[The Antichrist_Star]

Sorry gentlemen... religion nor finding a woman to be in a long term relationship with is the answer (those are the simple answers). In order to find his answer... his purpose, Joseph must look inside of himself... not to outside forces.

 

[Eternal]

Mike - If all of this is a fantasy...Then what's the reality? If we are all induced to a fantasy land, how come we don't make the rules?

Julian - "Will you stop with your pyschobable bullshit already?" Nah, you THE first member I had the balls to IM and we haven't looked back since. One of my better friends...

Fezz - Yeah, it sucks, but it's possible. Will be a long road though...

 

[Brazilian_Blues_Boy]

When the last symptoms of the opium wear out, that's how we feel
Some sniff Jesus Christ others smoke love.

We're sober Joey, our heads weigh more than the world on our shoulders.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, I BELIEVE that the answer is nowhere to be found, but it is presented to us at the right moment.

While it doesn't come, all we can do is throw rocks in the lakes, run miles in circles, go to cities and places miles aways from home, and try to find the answer that is always inside ourselves.

Don't worry, it'll come someday. At least I hope so.
It's about being optimistic... always come to you when you Really need it the most...

BBB

 

[Supero Masculus]

Have you moderators found your fullfillment yet? If so it would help if you shared. Thanks.

 

[CableLight]

I might have misinterpreted your responce...Buttttt - I wasnt saying we're in a fantasy world (necesarily). I'm saying if you think you're dreaming because you wanna find a real girl friend (i.e. a girl who you're just connected with who shares your same ideals and interests and such), then probably everyone else here is dreaming.

We all, I would imagine, would like to find a person we're really compatible with somewhere down the road. Someone, in this case a girl, who we can just click with so well that theres no pressure or tension or anything like that.

I personally don't believe you're dreaming if thats the kind of girl you're looking for. If anything, you're on the right page.

And you can control the rules. You can control how everything else in your life effects you, makes you feel, makes you act, and how you act.

 

[Brazilian_Blues_Boy]

Originally posted by Supero Masculus
Have you moderators found your fullfillment yet? If so it would help if you shared. Thanks.

What is exactly fullfillment for you ?

 

[VIVAlasVEGASBaby]

Maybe we are in control...

Here are a couple of quotes from Waking Life, I'm sure a few of you out there have seen it.

When it was over, all I could think about was how this entire notion of one's self, what we are, is just this logical structure....a place to momentarily house all the abstractions. It was a time to become conscious, to give form and coherence to the mystery...and I had been a part of that. It's a gift. Life was raging all around me, and every moment was magical. I loved all the people, dealing with all the contradictory impulses. That's what I loved the most, connecting with the people. Looking back, that's all that really mattered.

As the pattern gets more intricate and subtle, being swept along is no longer enough.

You haven't met yourself yet. But, the advantage to meeting others in the meantime is that one of them may present you to yourself. Examine the nature of everything you observe. For instance, you might find yourself walking through a dream parking lot. And yes, those are dream feet inside of your dream shoes, part of your dream self. And so, the person you appear to be in the dream cannot be who you really are. This is an image, a mental model...

Guy: I had a friend once who told me that the worst mistake that you can make is to think that you are alive, when really you're asleep in life's waiting room. The trick is to combine your waking, rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams, because if you can do that, you can do anything. Did you ever have a job that you hated, worked really hard at? Long, hard day at work, finally you get to go home, get in bed, close your eyes....and immediately you wake up and realize that the whole day at work had been a dream. It's bad enough that you sell your waking life for minimum wage, but now they get your dreams for free.

and finally my favorite...

"We seem to think we're so limited by the world, and the confines....but, we're really just creating them."

It's a stage we all go through. The whole DJ thing is enough for the first part of the journey. We all approach girls to feel good about ourselves, but after a certain period of time we realize that confidence isn't how many phone numbers are in our cell phones.

Once we get true confidence, the ultimate question arises. Why do we bother at all? Why even be a DJ? Is the whole DJ thing REALLY who we are? Maybe we're not what we thought we were... Which is where the next stage begins. Unfortunately, I haven't made it that far yet. I still need to learn who I am and what I want from life.

But something i've learned these past few weeks is that "reality" isn't really real. The rules we think we live by aren't always there. There are exceptions to everything and it's no different when it comes to chicks. I think it all comes down to just being you and then finding a person who loves you because of it. Again I could be dreaming, but since when was it wrong to dream?

I'm definitely not going to rely on others, but hoping that one day I will meet someone who will be a genuine friend is something I’m not about to let go of. It really comes down to you; who you are and what you want. When you realize that, you realize that nothing matters and that life truly is just a dream where you are capable of anything. That is when life begins.

I’ll leave you with two more quotes from the incredible movie “Waking Life” (which I just saw today )

“Before you drift off, don't forget, which is to say remember, because remembering is so much more a psychotic activity than forgeting: Lorca, in that same poem, said that the Iguana will bite those who do not dream, and as one realizes that one is a dream figure in another person's dream....that is self-awareness!”

“Life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments flabbergasted to be in each others' presence. The world is an exam, to see if we can rise into the direct experiences. Our eyesight is here as a test, to see if we can see beyond it. Matter is here as a test for our curiosity. Doubt is here as an exam for our vitality. Thomas Mann wrote that he would rather participate in life than write a hundred stories. Giacometti was once run down by a car, and he recalled falling into a lucid faint - a sudden exhiliration as he realized at last, something was happening to him. An assumption developed that you cannot understand life and live life simultaneously. I do not agree entirely, which is to say, I do not exactly disagree. I would say that life understood is life lived.”

 

[penkitten]

hey i just wanted to tell you that what you are going thru is very normal, please dont doubt that. it means that you are growing and adding some character to yourself.
i wrote this to my child and think that it would make you feel good to hear it, take it for what it is worth ok...

"fate is real and will stand before you one day. when it looks you in the face- smile and see where it leads you."

 

[MetalFortress]

Originally posted by Supero Masculus, quoted because I agree, slightly edited
Now, this may not fit in with the dj biss, but my youth pastor always told us that one day, we would hit a wall...a wall that everybody has to overcome but the only way to overcome this wall is with God. It may seem like crap but it isn't. i would highly recomend, no i urge you, to look to God for the answers. I'm A Christian and have never been so fullfilled. Don't like that? Then keep it to yourself cuase i don't care.

 

[VIVAlasVEGASBaby]

Originally posted by MetalFortress
Originally posted by Supero Masculus, quoted because I agree, slightly edited
Now, this may not fit in with the dj biss, but my youth pastor always told us that one day, we would hit a wall...a wall that everybody has to overcome but the only way to overcome this wall is with God. It may seem like crap but it isn't. i would highly recomend, no i urge you, to look to God for the answers. I'm A Christian and have never been so fullfilled. Don't like that? Then keep it to yourself cuase i don't care.

That's actually something I have really been thinking about. I used to be an arrogant atheist who thought anyone who took refuge in something as silly as God was weak. But as I have been growing and learning these last months, i have questioned a great deal of my own believes.

God seems to put all the pieces together. I don't believe in the tradional God, Heaven and Hell idea of religion, but i do believe there's something that i don't and can't understand. Fate has always taken care of me. Whether I can see it or not at the moment, the future always is a place where i am stronger than yesterday. Explaining that as some bizarre coincidence or simply "luck" just doesn't satisfy me.

"fate is real and will stand before you one day. when it looks you in the face- smile and see where it leads you."

 

[The Antichrist_Star]

Originally posted by Supero Masculus
Have you moderators found your fullfillment yet? If so it would help if you shared. Thanks.

I have found fufillment Supero Masculus... and it is an assortment of things. I suggested to Crazykid that he look inside of himself for his answers... for his fufillment, because that is the only place he will truly find it. Most people (especially when things go bad) find solace in religion because it fills all of the blank spots... I do not think that this is the answer. Not to offend anyone who believes in any sort of religion, but I believe finding solace in a religion is simply the easy way out (suicide being the other). A lot of times... I feel sorry for a lot of my Christian friends because they just let life happen to them rather than vice versa. Anytime something happens it is just like, "Ah well... God will fix it," or "God had this happen to me." I just do not believe it is that easy.

God (an entity that I do believe in spite of my "religion" hang ups) only helps those who help themselves. I do not look to God to bail me out of a situation or help me out when I am down... I simply know that He is there and he has my back. I think Christianity promotes using God as solace... as someone to run to in trouble. With me... God is more like a friend, one of my homeboys (Jesus is my homeboy... sorry... I could not help myself) rather than the guy that I need to bail me out.

Honestly... I think that "wall" that your youth pastor spoke of can be overcame without God... simply because there will always be walls that he reach... with or without a belief.

Nothing is the end all be all... everything works out together.