Don't Overcompensate for Having Been a Nice Guy

[SexPDX]

Those of you who have not been here long may be a little overwhelmed that you have just gotten the memo that you have been an AFC, a nice guy, a supplicant and everything you have been doing your whole life with regards to women is for the most part the WRONG way to do things. Feel lucky to have the benefit of what you are learning here. Approach women, step outside your comfort zone, find out what works and what doesn't.

However don't fall into the trap of being a pseudo-badass because of your frustration with your "old self". This includes behaviors such as hurling insults at girls who reject you, causing scenes as unnecessary diplays of egocentric behavior, etc. I had this mindset for a period of time and if you do a search on the name 'trickynick' you will see that my posting history reflected such an attitude for a while.

The problem with this is that it causes you not to learn from your experiences because it is much more comforting to believe that you are the sh1t and you are going to be the way you are going to be and fvck anyone who doesn't like it. You may think you are acting like a "jerk" by doing these things and jerks get girls. The truth is that you are actually not appearing like the "jerk" who gets laid, you just look like a pathetic choad. The truth is many women DO like nice guys, they just don't like spineless worms. You don't have to be an obnoxious jerk or even attempt to appear as one to get what you want.

Nick

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- The performer known as Nick

 

[BasicInstinct]

I have observed this as well and agree with you. I believe the main problem stems from the fact that new people on this board seem to be confusing "bravado" for "confidence". Bravado is simply an outward reaction to an event. In many cases, people will try to erase their old negative traits with bravado because it's the easiest, most concrete display of "confidence" (which oftentimes it is not). True confidence is not an action that can be measured in any real way- you simply have it or you don't.

Most guys can get away with bravado with young or inexperienced girls but as they get older, they will realize the difference (and those who don't inevitably end up with jerks.) So realize the difference now and don't feel pressured to overcompensate for your past.

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What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to understand what a misfortune it is.
-- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.

 

[Kanadasutra]

I agree!

Gone to much too in jerk style to kill my nice-guy traits.

I have noted more agressivity in my reactions since i am training more regularly with weight (effect of testosterone?). I am far more confident now but sometimes too much: Being confident and stupid is a bad mix!

I have posted here about the "finger" i gave to a waitress that was ignoring me... That was stupid jerk (pathetic choad??)! (dont know what choad mean!)

So now i am trying to apply the 3 seconds rules in these case too:

If i am about to "react" as a jerk: i wait 3 seconds!

Instead of telling/doing jerk things.. a big smile is sometime enough. And you stay in control!

 

[dead_romeo]

When guys first realize 'omigod what the f*ck was I thinking??' in various situations where they were manipulated yes, they will tend to turn into *******s and be hard on themselves, and others.

It's inevitable I think, and just a (hopefully) temporary phase to acquiring the necessary self-discipline to better yourself.

Still it's a phase every guy goes thru, and it will manifest in different ways according to one's personality.

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"Conclusions arrived at through reasoning have very little or no influence in altering the course of our lives. Hence, the countless examples of people who have the clearest convictions and yet act diametrically against them time and time again; and have as the only explanation for their behavior the idea that to err is human." Carlos Castaneda - The Fire From Within

"It is the responsibility of the strong to help the weak become strong" - Harlan Ellison

 

[xblitz44x]

I agree with this tip. But I must say Nick, that this is one step that all DJs (including you and I) went through. Maybe it is crutital in their development. I understand how annoying it can seem, but I think that each DJ will naturally progress to this level once they have graduated their AFC days.

This "pseduo-badass" attitude will not rake in the women, I agree. But at the same time, it is the step where they can finally see the difference between their old self, and their new self. That difference is what makes them so angry. They are angry at themselves for making such blatent mistakes. Only after they see and notice this difference, can they progress to the next level.

I don't know about you Nick, but when I read posts on this site, I can pretty much tell which phase each person is in regards to becoming a Master, just based on their posts. This is just a phase that we all go through in order to graduate to the next level.

-Blitz

 

[Inspector Clouseau]

It's hard to not swing in one extreme or another. As Sir_Chancealot has remarked in the past, a pendulum swing. When nice is all we've ever known, a inexperienced stranger unaccustomed to the feeling of correct behaviors, we confuse going out and unapologetically going after what we want, regardless of what other people think (for this is what we were told), with being an extroverted egocentric ass. We just didn't know better. There is one theory which took awhile for me to support, which in combination with this transitional phase, explains the transition: nice guys and jerks are one in the same, whereas the only difference is one introverts himself while the other extroverts. If one thinks about it, this transitional phase not only makes sense, but seems rather obligatory. When we began extroverting ourselves, fixing our socializing problem, that shed light on our other remaining self; the cruel, egocentric, ass-hole. This period does in fact cloud your perspective and hinder progress because you think you are right, whereas you are only naive; you think you are the Prize, when you're only far off with ways to go.

I recalled recently a blind date from Hell I had last Fall, and up to recently thought it was the girl's fault, that she was a cruel heartless airhead who (while being my ride home) had the empty heart to abandon me in a nightclub in favor of smooth Enrico Suave clones. While she was an airhead, I realized recently it truly was completely my fault, that I was completely a highly opionated egocentric ass. She at one point said "You're a nice guy" and I went off on some spiel about oh how I wasn't the typical "nice guy", that I wasn't some doormat to the whims of others and that I had certain amounts of challenge and mystery, that I was in the perfectly balanced between nice guy and jerk. I was right, kinda; I wasn't the typical nice guy, I was a complete jerk.

It's hard to stop the pendulum swing right smack in the middle, explaining why finding guys fitting the DJ mold is rare.


Clouseau

[This message has been edited by Inspector Clouseau (edited 08-10-2002).]

 

[jmiza]

BUMP

It says this no where in the bible (as its just a symptom of the "conversion"), but f*uck.

You all are absolutely correct. I am STILL in that egotistical arrogant azz phase and am slowly realizing i have to change my mentality again. I have screwed up alot because i thought i "had it down" when in fact i was being a jerk. I have to suggest all newbies put a moratorium on their new found "DJ skills" until they cool off a bit.
Dont make our mistakes.

put this in the bible as a disclaimer or something, everyone has got to understand this.


[This message has been edited by jmiza (edited 08-18-2002).]