Don't know how to handle this situation with a girl, need some input (pt. 2)

[Shivastorm_88]

Here's the first thread I made: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=187487

The replies were good ones, but I have to admit, I kind of messed up. Here's what I had posted initially:

OK here's the deal. I've known this girl for about a year, she was in a relationship (they were together for a bit over four years in total) when I met her, lived with her boyfriend, and I couldn't help it (obviously) I developped feelings for her... Throughout the year we were physically close (I tried to kiss her once when she was still with him and she denied me), flirting a lot and doing a lot of activities together (I'd often go out a full day with her), etc... Fast forward a year, they broke up, we hooked up. No sex though, only making out and she slept at my house. I tried once to lead it to sex and she politely declined, I figured I'd give her some time she might not be ready, seeing as she got out of a lenghty relationship.

Saw her again today, a bit distant, although she didn't push me back when I made out with her or anything... When I left for work, she sent me a text, the gist of it saying she really likes me and likes what we have going on, but she feels like it's going too fast and she just got out of a long relationship and she has things to sort out, etc.

I would understand it, I mean four years is a long time with the same person, but yeah, how do you guys suggest I take it from there?

Now the general consensus of here, my friends and myself is to become distant, see other girls (which I've been constantly trying ever since I met her, and she indirectly knows it that I've been dating girls). Now the problem is, I'm pretty sure I messed up, and here's how:

Back before I posted the initial thread, we had a day hike planned in the Adirondacks for yesterday, and seeing as I really loathe bailing on plans that I made with someone, I went with her. The hike was awesome, and between us was like it's always been, physical flirting, sexual innuendos, etc.

Here's where the mess-up begins: When we reached the top of the mountain, we took a nap, and she pretty much slept on me, and at some point I just couldn't resist the urge and kissed her, to which she was receptive, so we made out a bit, but not too much because I knew I shouldn't be doing that right now, but instead I should be more distant, etc. Now, here's where the mess-up gets worse: I had a brief talk with her about when she told me "she needed time" and she said she still didn't feel ready, so I asked her about the making out, to which she replied that it shouldn't be happening right now. I left it at that to avoid any awkwardness, and after that I acted like none of this ever happened.

So here's what I was thinking: First off, the main problem with this situation is I can't completely cut this girl off, because she is my sole wall climbing partner (can't do this sport alone), and I absolutely love this sport, so there is no way in hell I'd stop it because of this situation. Keeping this in mind, I was thinking that for about a full month, I would completely back off (except for climbing), so basically no more texting, no more activities outside of climbing, etc. And after about a month, give it a final go.

So yeah, I'm looking for any inputs here on what you guys think of the situation, and what you think I should do.

 

[Shivastorm_88]

An additional input on the last part: What's interesting for me is I'm her only climbing partner, while I got many, although most of them are highly inconsistent. However, I got one friend who started climbing with me, stopped, but now he's getting back into it, and she knows I'm climbing regularly with him as well. However, I'm still stuck with her for one specific reason.

In wall climbing there's two ways to do it. Either the boring way (not exactly boring, but not as fun as the other way) which is top rope, meaning the rope is already attached for you, so it's much less challenging. This is what I do with my second friend, anyone can do this. The other way (much more fun and challenging) is top rope, meaning no rope is attached, and you hook yourself as you climb. This, not anyone can do (my friend can't yet), you need to be a pretty solid climber and do a specific course. I'm training him for that, but until he can do it, she's the only one I can lead with. Although she knows eventually my friend will get his class (in a few months probably)

 

[Pimp-sicle]

First off bro, way too much over-analyzing; which is never a good place to be in. Your making this a lot more complicated than it needs to be.

Okay so I get the whole situation, but really one of the first things you are suppose to learn about women is to NEVER put too much stock in the words they say, watch their actions for their true feelings/intentions.

So you go on the hike, you start making out at the top of the mountain which is all good. Then you start acting like a girl and asking her about the making out.....whyyyyyy? She's enjoying the make out session, she's enjoying the hike with you? So just enjoy being IN THE MOMENT and the time you currently spend together, rather than over-analyzing what it might mean and where you guys are going.

Look you already know she doesn't want to jump into a serious relationship right off the bat; which means she wants to lick her wounds and play the field a bit, have fun. She also already knows you are pretty much doing the same, so keep doing what your doing with dating other girls and continue to see her. However STOP being the girl and asking about where you two stand, what she thought of the make out etc etc. These are traits of insecurity and weakness aka not attractive.

Women want to be lead, they will always follow when in the presence of a truly confident man. But if you do this whole self doubt thing and verbalize it, they will eventually cut you off because they feel (and rightly so) that this is only the tip of the iceberg with your insecurity.


I'd pull back a bit, don't completely ignore her, but don't see her as often. When you guys do hang out, make sure its good times and don't talk about anything relationship oriented; just focus on having fun.

Also lost in the fray here, start to see if this chick is even a good partner for a relationship; qualify her, see if you can figure her out more.

This is the problem with idealizing a girl you have known for a while, you make them seem like they poop roses and will always give you porn star sexxxx....lets bring the beeyatch off the pedestal and get back to reality.






PIMP

 

[tafakna]

I beg to disagree...

Back before I posted the initial thread, we had a day hike planned in the Adirondacks for yesterday, and seeing as I really loathe bailing on plans that I made with someone, I went with her.

This is where the mess starts and you know it.

I have no problem with someone stating 'I messed up and went with her'; but the idea of turning mistakes in something noble such as 'I'm a man of my word' doesn't fly very far...

First off, the main problem with this situation is I can't completely cut this girl off, because she is my sole wall climbing partner (can't do this sport alone), and I absolutely love this sport

That's a much worse excuse than the poor one you've used above...

Sorry for being upfront, but the sooner you realize how pathetic you're sounding the sooner you will work in improving yourself...

Good luck...

 

[Shivastorm_88]

First off bro, way too much over-analyzing; which is never a good place to be in. Your making this a lot more complicated than it needs to be.

Indeed I am -_-

Okay so I get the whole situation, but really one of the first things you are suppose to learn about women is to NEVER put too much stock in the words they say, watch their actions for their true feelings/intentions.

So you go on the hike, you start making out at the top of the mountain which is all good. Then you start acting like a girl and asking her about the making out.....whyyyyyy? She's enjoying the make out session, she's enjoying the hike with you? So just enjoy being IN THE MOMENT and the time you currently spend together, rather than over-analyzing what it might mean and where you guys are going.

Look you already know she doesn't want to jump into a serious relationship right off the bat; which means she wants to lick her wounds and play the field a bit, have fun. She also already knows you are pretty much doing the same, so keep doing what your doing with dating other girls and continue to see her. However STOP being the girl and asking about where you two stand, what she thought of the make out etc etc. These are traits of insecurity and weakness aka not attractive.

Women want to be lead, they will always follow when in the presence of a truly confident man. But if you do this whole self doubt thing and verbalize it, they will eventually cut you off because they feel (and rightly so) that this is only the tip of the iceberg with your insecurity.


I'd pull back a bit, don't completely ignore her, but don't see her as often. When you guys do hang out, make sure its good times and don't talk about anything relationship oriented; just focus on having fun.

Also lost in the fray here, start to see if this chick is even a good partner for a relationship; qualify her, see if you can figure her out more.

This is the problem with idealizing a girl you have known for a while, you make them seem like they poop roses and will always give you porn star sexxxx....lets bring the beeyatch off the pedestal and get back to reality.

PIMP

Yeah so I guess for now just reduce the amount of time I spend with her, keep it light and give it a bit more time before I pull another move? The problem is (to me) and I think the reason why I decided to talk to her about it is that since she told me she wasn't ready yet, even though she's receptive to making out, I just don't know where the boundaries are, of if I should even set any myself... And I think the other problem is I'm scared that if I get intimate with her for a little while, I'll get hyped thinking things will work out, and if she does a 180 turn and changes her mind and puts an end to it, I know it will really bring me down.

Heh this situation sucks, I forgot how oneitis can be hard.

The last two paragraphs are good ones, but like I said I've known her for a quite a while, I wouldn't still be after her like that if I thought the opposite.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Yeah so I guess for now just reduce the amount of time I spend with her, keep it light and give it a bit more time before I pull another move?

I never said anything about not making out or having fun with her when you see her. Just stop verbalizing your insecurities because THAT is why she's only slightly interested in you, rather than chasing after you like the prize.

The problem is (to me) and I think the reason why I decided to talk to her about it is that since she told me she wasn't ready yet, even though she's receptive to making out, I just don't know where the boundaries are, of if I should even set any myself...

Again, you should really give two shiats about the words coming out of her mouth because they mean almost nothing. I can't tell you how many times I've had a girl say one thing to me and then do the complete opposite. In most of those cases I got what I wanted because I didn't let her words phase me, I just kept doing what got me to that place and eventually the girl caved in.

And I think the other problem is I'm scared that if I get intimate with her for a little while, I'll get hyped thinking things will work out, and if she does a 180 turn and changes her mind and puts an end to it, I know it will really bring me down.

Dude way too much over-analyzing about things that haven't even happened yet.... you gotta stop doing this because its definitely cramping your style and severely hurting your chances; in other words you are your own worst enemy because you over-analyze. Enjoy the moment, if you have this much emotional attachment to this chick already then you are bound to fail. This is why being "friends" with a girl you really like for so long is never a good idea in the long run. You have known her for a year, but you don't know shiat about how she is as a gf. You know her accounts of things that happened between her and her ex; likely not the complete truth. Again don't give this girl so much value for FREEEE, make her prove her worth.

Heh this situation sucks, I forgot how oneitis can be hard.

The last two paragraphs are good ones, but like I said I've known her for a quite a while, I wouldn't still be after her like that if I thought the opposite.

See above; additionally I have friends that have known their gf's for years prior to getting together, and some of those chicks ended up being the most controlling, self centered, lazy beeyatchs I've ever met. Never lead with an emotional foot, you will drown.

PIMP

 

[Shivastorm_88]

Alright thanks Pimp, appreciated!

Funny thing is a little after I wrote this, I don't know what, but something clicked and I realized I am definitely over-analyzing this situation... All I got to do is keep doing what I have been doing, apparently it's been working out so far. If it leads to something, good, if not, part of life. Over-analyzing really is a *****!

And you are definitely right about actions over words, I tend to forget how important it is to keep in mind!

 

[perseverance]

If you really like somebody then you will analyse the situation and unfortunately many men who hit the deck hard will overanalyse the situation. If you were just after sex with this girl then these posts wouldn't have been made. It is evident that you're into her and this is where I think you'll wind up getting the wind knocked out of your sails.

You're a rebound and if you're not at the moment, you probably will be. You probably will get sex from her and if she offers it to you then take it, but be warned I wouldn't expect anything else from this woman.

If you want to know what I'd do in your situation, then I would walk away from her and go and find a single girl that doesn't have four years worth of baggage hanging around her neck. I have been in your situation twice and both times I got stung, so rather than chancing the saying of "third time lucky" I tend to keep well away, but go with whatever you think is right. Good luck bro and keep the forums updated with your progression.

 

[Shivastorm_88]

Alright well since an update was asked, here it is:

I made plans with her for the night of Friday 21 to Saturday 22... There will be a meteor shower and this is the peak day. So we will go to the Adirondack (if weather permits, otherwise we will choose another spot) to watch it overnight until sunrise. I really hope the weather will be good, I was there at night once, it is breathtaking. The amount of stars visible in the sky is insane, and you can even see the milky way.

And this night was conditional to the fact that I keep her warm during the night... Promising.

And no, if we do make-out again, I won't turn this into a drama or ask her where we are heading and whatnot!

I'll update after that day!

 

[true romance]

Good News. She see you as a friend. You act as her friend !!! Sexing is 99% Impossible. Unless You can to bring Tom Cruise in to close the deal. Some of you already now the outcome to this scenario!!!

Still climb with her but ask her to introduce her other GFs to you.

If I was you, I'll bring another chick to see the show.

TR.