It’s human nature to want to blame someone else for your mistakes. What you need to admit to yourself is that the reason your relationship failed is most likely because you failed, rather than the other way around. You missed the little cues that her interest level in you was dropping faster than an 18-year old's prom dress, so that when she finally told you “I think we should see other people,” or more likely, she starts seeing other people behind your back, you were shocked, hurt and ended up blaming her for the failure of your relationship. Women aren’t completely innocent when a relationship has failed. In fact, they could be much more direct with how they feel, rather than rely on subtle cues that things aren’t going well. Unfortunately they’re not, and the sooner you learn this fact, the better.
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Don’t blame her…blame yourself
- Thread starter Sting
- Start date
This post is very astute. I agree with you, but when you dismiss the fact that "they could be much more direct with how they feel," I don't think you realize how significant that is. From what I've experienced it's not exactly that they're being indirect (per se), but that they're being deceitful. Purposely deceitful, for the sole intention of furthering or sustaining their own interests. We've all heard the "monkey analogy." I don't have to repeat it. The fact is that women stick around until they find something better; not because you haven't deciphered her subtle clues, but because it is convenient for them until circumstances improve (i.e., they meet another man). This is dubious, malicious behavior. Sure we are fools for not picking up on the hints, but that does not forgive the underlying reason why we are in that predicament to begin with.
Starman
Master Don Juan
There is a limit on self blame
#1 Relationships dont "fail"..people just learn more about each other everyday..and realize they are incompatible..its not a FAILURE
If I ask you to add one piece to a jigsaw puzzle..and the peice you selected didnt fit..did you FAIL??
#2 Your reasoning is somewhat self-defeating..WHY do MEN have to be on their toes 24/7 and walk on egg shells just to keep a woman around??
Surely some guys make mistakes in a relationship..and so do alot of women..but I'll be damned before I recognize it as self blame versus incompatibility
Maybe she was more mature than you..does this mean you failed? and to blame yourself? or does it give you an opportunity to find someone else on your level while you improve yourself?
#1 Relationships dont "fail"..people just learn more about each other everyday..and realize they are incompatible..its not a FAILURE
If I ask you to add one piece to a jigsaw puzzle..and the peice you selected didnt fit..did you FAIL??
#2 Your reasoning is somewhat self-defeating..WHY do MEN have to be on their toes 24/7 and walk on egg shells just to keep a woman around??
Surely some guys make mistakes in a relationship..and so do alot of women..but I'll be damned before I recognize it as self blame versus incompatibility
Maybe she was more mature than you..does this mean you failed? and to blame yourself? or does it give you an opportunity to find someone else on your level while you improve yourself?
Oscar Wilde
Master Don Juan
I have an extremely recent experience which is directly related to this.
I needed to talk to the girl, because I knew the relationship was getting fscked up. I have had another LTR end because of bad communication, and wasn't about to let it happen this time.
She refused and avoided communication at every step which was painful for me.
I privately decided that enough was enough - either she make some small effort, or I'd finish it. I gave her the chance to do so, but she didn't, so I ended it (which surprised her).
We talked and it was quite apparent that we both approached the situation from hugely different perspectives, and had no clue what the other was thinking. She thought something I said was the important thing for me, and didn't want to get into it, but she ignored what to her seemed the smaller issue, but to me was the point I was resting it all on.
Ok, so there's your RL case study. Yesterday afternoon, I blamed her for not understanding what I wanted her to say. Yesterday evening, I blamed myself for making a big deal about the line I'd drawn. And late last night we talked and concluded that there were 2 of us in it - it takes two to tango.
So, my conclusion is this: forget about the blame. It might be yours, hers, or mutual. It doesn't really matter, what's done is done. Just clear your conscience and be happy.
I needed to talk to the girl, because I knew the relationship was getting fscked up. I have had another LTR end because of bad communication, and wasn't about to let it happen this time.
She refused and avoided communication at every step which was painful for me.
I privately decided that enough was enough - either she make some small effort, or I'd finish it. I gave her the chance to do so, but she didn't, so I ended it (which surprised her).
We talked and it was quite apparent that we both approached the situation from hugely different perspectives, and had no clue what the other was thinking. She thought something I said was the important thing for me, and didn't want to get into it, but she ignored what to her seemed the smaller issue, but to me was the point I was resting it all on.
Ok, so there's your RL case study. Yesterday afternoon, I blamed her for not understanding what I wanted her to say. Yesterday evening, I blamed myself for making a big deal about the line I'd drawn. And late last night we talked and concluded that there were 2 of us in it - it takes two to tango.
So, my conclusion is this: forget about the blame. It might be yours, hers, or mutual. It doesn't really matter, what's done is done. Just clear your conscience and be happy.