Doesn't want to meet up? - opinions -

[hansol]

Hey guys, lurked here for a while, but figured I'd post a question that's been nagging at me.

Alright, so there's a girl I met spontaneously at a pub, we got chatting, I got her number, eventually called to set something up. Found out she lived in another city, but I had nothing exciting to do that night, so figured I would talk to this broad for a while as the conversation was interesting. We wound up talking til 5am, and blah blah blah.

Normally that was as far as I would take it. I did a long distance thing before (was in the army at the time), and swore I would never do it again. Alas, I seem to have drifted slightly on this after conversing with said girl. Not only is she a HB9, and quite literally the physical representation of my dream girl, she is also brilliant and engaging (engineering degree, with plans to get her PhD in it at the univeristy in the city I live.) So for me, she seems like a very good match for a LTR, as our past, present, and future goals seem very compatible. I'm not going to pretend it's a Disney novel, but goal-wise it seems compatible. I have very high standards for myself, so to meet a girl who has the potential to be a match has caught me off guard.

Now onto the catch: she has emotional baggage. Her ex-boyfriend killed himself, and she found him, and it has really affected her blah blah blah. She hasn't had a relationship since, but after meeting me, she says she wants to date, but needs "time and patience".

Long story short, after a few late night chats with a bit of fun and racey innuendo on both parties, I mentioned how I was going to be in her home town, and I was going to be jean shopping in the fancy mall they have there, and that she should come with and help me pick out something stylish. She declined.

Now fast forward 8 weeks. I still have FBs on the side, and am keeping my eyes open for an LTR, but this girl and I are still in touch. I've asked her 4ish times to meet up for casual events, and just get declined. I don't do a lot of chasing (she calls/texts ME, not the other way around), but still she won't meet up.

I know she has some emotional issues from her ex, and FOR ME I'm willing to work with that (if it is indeed a legit reason for her excuses). She isn't a party girl/smoker/single mom, which are big deal breakers in my world. Plus I have buddies with issues from their time in the army from seeing horrible ****, and I don't hold it against them, so I won't hold it against a girl either. It's something I'm personally willing to accept in my reality. I've been told she needs "time and patience" to work through the dead BF stuff, and how I fit into it. (This isn't to say anything will happen, just saying that this specific "baggage" isn't a deal breaker.)

So what am I asking with this long-winded drivel? Why the hell would a girl who is self-described as "in love" with a guy, not want to see him in person? Her brilliant words: "It's not that I don't want to see you, so don't think that." (Of course, she never gives a reason as to why it isn't...) Player? Emotional issues? Or just horrible game on my part, and the fault is purely with something I screwed up.

Anyways DJs, needed to get that off my chest. It's more of an intellectual exercise anyway, as I have never encountered a social situation like this. Is the girl just an attention *****? (Which seems contradictory, as SHE is the initiator 80% of the time). Or does she have a legitimate case for me to continue to spend my time on her?

Not trying to do a damage control/what should I do? thing here. Just curious as to the different opinions on what DJs think is going on.

Thanks guys. -Hansol

 

[The Bat]

Hey man, give this thread a read...it applies to your situation which I will explain below:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=161411

Now, it's a good thing that you have some FBs on the side. At least, this will prevent you from being completely head over heels for this girl. And from what you describe, it does sound like an ideal situation to get to know her more on an intimate and physical level with a very good possibility for an LTR.

Let's look at some facts though. You've asked to meet up with her 4 times. And at least for one of those times, you were in her home town. This means that all she had to do was drive, what maybe 5-15 minutes?, to meet up with you at the mall. Or she could've told you to meet her at her place or somewhere close by her place.

You didn't say that she gave any excuses as far as NOT meeting up with you. Or did she just straight up said, "No"? I really hope she gave you *some* excuse...if she didn't, then it's pretty bad.

And your gut instinct about her being an AW (attention-wh0re) might be correct. An AW can and will initiate contact if she knows that you're going to be available to talk to her for long periods of time.

You have to realize, my friend, that this is an ideal situation for her. She has somebody to talk to about her daily life, her ex-bf, her feelings, her goals in life, basically her life story WHILE she NEVER has to see you in person or "date" you in any shape or form. To keep you around, she even *hints* that she may possibly date you in future, and not right now.

What does it all mean?

You, unfortunately, are in her friend zone. I'm not going to be absolute here and tell you if you can or can't get out of this friend zone. All I can tell you is that you have to realize that you are NOT her first priority as far as dating goes. Hey maybe she *isn't* ready to date. Or maybe she is jerking you around.

Who really knows except her?

Now you need to decide what you want to do. How do you want to handle this situation from here on out? Tell us.

 

[hansol]

Hey Bat,

Right on, thanks for the input. That is exactly what I wanted to hear.

A couple things: (1), I have ZERO problem walking away from this. To me, she isn't one-itis, I don't "absolutely NEED to marry her or I will die" or anything silly like that. Realistically, she's only a girl I've met once who seems to be interesting and intrigues me.

Secondly, the home town thing: Those were precisely my thoughts too. It would take what, 10 minutes to go to the mall? And I really pushed it was a casual thing too. So my red flag alert was flashing big time. So I called her on it: The answer I got was "A relationship between us could never be casual, so I don't want to start anything 'til things are sorted out". LOL the more I write out, the more this spells F-R-I-E-N-D-Z-O-N-E For the other times, she had made other plans, or so she said.

In this whole mess though, I've kept my emotional distance. Anyone who says they are "practically in love", and yet won't see the person, well that's as sure a sign as anything that something is messed up in the interaction.

So again, just getting opinions on if she is playing games, or if I most likely screwed up a step in the seduction process, and that is the reason for the resistance. If it's my game, I want to fix it. If she is just enjoying the attention, then that's tacky and I cut her out of my life.

I suppose I should add the sexual aspect of things is there, as some of the conversation can get over-the-top suggestive at times.

How would/will I handle this? Become even less attatched most likely. I have FBs, and I am always naturally flirtatious with women, so there is no real feelings that I "need" this woman in my life. I won't let this babe stop me if I come across another decent LTR while fighting the good fight. I think at the same time, I will keep her in the "novelty friends" category (she is fun to text on the train ride to work every morning. Kills time rather well.) until she can either commit, or she drifts away. I don't think making ultimatums would be the best option here, as that would create undue tension and drama. And that of course is bad news and unseductive.

Thoughts?

 

[The Bat]

Hey dude, I understand about meeting a girl who is hot AND interesting to talk to/hang with.

As far as if you screwed up in seduction? Hmm, the only thing I can point out are the long phone conversations. You have to seduce her first, and you do this by building sexual tension, and creating opportunities for that sexual tension to manifest itself into something physical. AFTER this is when you can get to know her as a person.

That sounds very crude, and almost player-ish yet it really isn't once you think about it. Real romance starts with physical attraction and physical involvement. It isn't "love at first sight"....it's "lust and let's fvck each others' brains out at first sight".

I can confidently tell you that you will find out more about this woman in the morning after the first time you two have sex. This little "knowledge" about dating has yet to fail me.

However, it isn't you that *failed* in the seduction process. You did build up a sexual tension, and you did create opportunities for the sexual tension to manifest itself. Yet, she was the one who closed the door on those opportunities. The fault isn't yours, it's hers.

And I agree with your plan of action. Keep your emotional distance, playfully tease/flirt back and forth with her, date other women, and not worry about this woman until she wants to pursue something. I should also add that you start making yourself less available to her. Don't talk to her on the phone for ungodly long hours. Surely, you must have better things to do than talk all night to a woman who might not ever see you again?

 

[hansol]

... Surely, you must have better things to do than talk all night to a woman who might not ever see you again?

Haha Bat, there's a reason I've been turning my phone off at night for the past week or so . It's working like a charm.

Thanks again for the input. It's great to have a sounding board for weird situations like this. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't completely AFCing things.