Does Anybody remember me & my EXTREME social phobia?

[GamePlan]

Hey Guys,

just wondering if anyone is still around who was chatting on here about a year (and a few months less than a year) ago?

I had an extreme case of shyness/social phobia and spent way too much time posting in-detail about what I was doing all day long (which obviously annoyed a few people lol). So, I stopped posting, but still continuing to work on my social phobia, because I knew baby steps were the only way for me.

Lots of people didn't really agree with my 'slowness', because they probably couldn't imagine that somebody has to build their way up as slowly as that if they have a really bad case of shyness/social phobia. I don't mean to offend anyone, because I can imagine that it's hard to imagine for a person without such extreme problems:

* for example, when I was 16/17 I wasn't able to speak in front of other people or read out loud in class, because I was so overwhelmed with it (I couldn't make a voice due to anxiety)

* Girls seem to find me rather attractive (I'm 6'3, lean & muscular & my face isn't completely ugly lol), but the first time I kissed a girl was when I was 20 years old. I got to know her off the internet...

I guess that speaks volumes about my social anxiety.

Yesterday was my 25th birthday so it's been almost exactly a year (a year and 2 days?) since I started working on my social anxiety problem, again.

Let me share with you what I've been doing:

At 21-22, I started going to that hospital (which has a huge park) right next to where I live trying to say 'Hi' to somebody passing by. It seemed a lot easier than doing it downtown, however it took me a few weeks to finally say 'Hello' to somebody passing me by there. I continued trying to greet people there and greeted another few people during the following weeks, but 3 months later or so I had trouble in college and decided to quit.

At 23, I tried again for another few months and continued doing the 'Hi'-thing. I was still not able to say 'Hi' to anybody passing me by in that hospital park..and I was far from being able to say it to anybody in downtown.

So, last year right before my 24th birthday (a day or two), I started again. I spent another four months trying to get the 'Hi'-part down thinking I'll have to be able to say that completely effortlessley before I can approach anyone and make an actual conversation. I became better at it, but still had a hard time saying 'Hi' to girls/attractive women passing me by. (I agree with anyone who says another 4 months was too long for that...looking back at it).

I started college again in october last year - and felt very bad that I still wasn't really able to just say "Hi" to females and was far away from actually approaching somebody. I was also terrified of public speaking (which I had avoided ever since I was 17 when I almost passed out, because I had to hold a speech, but wasn't able to make a voice (as mentioned above)) and wasn't sure if I could ever finish my college degree, because of my fear of public speaking.



Then things finally changed for the better:




During the first two days of college, I approached three or four girls (saying things like 'Are you in the first semester, too?blabla') and had to hold a quick speech in front of the class (20 people or so) introducing myself. On the second day I volunteered to hold a quick speech in front of the class (one person out of the group I was in had to do it and I said I would) and have since held another 2 speeches.

All in all I have approached about 30 girls at my college ('Hey you're in class xyz, too right?blabla'), at the library and on the train, by now. It's kind of funny, because I've come to realize that people are sort of shocked when you speak to them (at least here in Germany..people are a bit uptight, I guess). The initial reaction, I get is usually a strange/insecure look, but then the girl realizes I don't want to kill her, but just TALK to her and we usually have a friendly conversation and they ask questions back and all.

Unfortunately, I've been sick ever since january (and haven't been able to eat normally for 3 months) and have a pretty bad depression (the doctors think I'm sick with those stomach flue like symptoms because of my depression) and have to study a ton for college or I'll fail college....and college is the reason for my depression..a vicious cycle as you can tell.

Anyway, I woke up today and was pretty depressive just like the last 4 days (on which I hadn't worked on my social phobia). So I had an idea. I thought to myself, I'll go to the place where I started working on my social phobia a year ago (the park of that hospital) and just sit down on a bench next to somebody and talk to them about some random stuff and tell them I'm working on my social anxiety and all and am currently feeling depressive. If I can do that it'll show me HOW MUCH my social anxiety situation has improved, which should make me feel a bit better again.

I remember walking around in that hospital park barely able to say "Hi" to people (and FAR from sitting down next to anybody talking to them). Today, I just went there, walked around and said "Hi" or "Hello" to absolutely anybody who came my way completely effortlessley, then saw a guy sitting on a parking bench who kind of looked like a psycho with tattoos on his forearms and staring sort of strange. That hospital is for people with mental issues & people trying to get off drugs, etc. - the dangerous patients dont stroll in the park, though...but it's still the kind of person most people (including myself a year ago) would avoid making eye contact with.

I was a bit scared, but just went up to him sat down on the same bench he was sitting on and made a point of saying something random to start a conversation:

Me: "Sup Man? Incredible the sun is shining again, isn't it?".

His reply: "Say what? The sun has been shining the whole time"

Me again: "Yeah haha...I was just joking. But then again it's only been shining for the last couple of weeks, before it hadn't shined for 6 months during autumn and winter" (you can tell how random my con. starter was, huh?LOL)

Him: "yeah you're right"

Me: "I know this is a random conversation, but I have a social phobia problem and am trying to work on it by starting conversations with strangers (sort of laughing)..or well used to"

Him: "ah social phobia I see (blabla). You don't have to be afraid of me lol"

We talked some more until I left.

I know I've been taking very very small baby steps (and at the moment I have to focus on college to get that depression out of my system), but I'm really surprised at myself and how my brain has been deprogrammed over the last year. I can't wait to pass all my exams (hopefully), feel good again and then spent all of august and september (semester break) and then making a point of approaching pretty girls every day!

Just thought, I'd sum up what I've been doing during the last couple of months, so people don't think I gave up! and I'm a social being like all humans so I felt like sharing it...I know my pace isn't all that fast, but if I can continue to improve as much as I have during the last year (and I'm absolutely convinced I will!), I should be pretty good at approaching and asking for numbers in another year from now (at the most).

 

[theunflushables]

Yeah, I remember you. Good to hear you've improved with your social phobia. You should start seeing a psychologist about your depression though. Don't take any anti-depressents though. It turns you into a fat zombie. Look into things like cognitive therapy. It teaches you to correct your thought pattern. Viel gluck!

 

[iqqi]

I find that posting aka talking on here is helpful when you've run into hurdles with communication.

So stick around and good luck, and congrats on your progress thus far.

 

[Max Power]

Yes, I remember you and your journal. You're a good writer.

 

[GamePlan]

thanks guys.

I know my depression is mostly caused by one thing: college...I started college at 21, but was diagnosed with a slight heart disease in the first semester (and was told to come back a year later so they could tell me whether it was a problem or not). It turned out to be nothing, at all, just something that many people have and that can be seen today, because of how good those machines(exp?) are today. Anyways, that made me paranoid..

Then I actually did have a real health issues..a thyroid issue..luckily only a slight deficiency which can be treated easily, but it took some time until they had found the right doses of the medication..

combine that with not realizing that college is a lot more difficult than high school was (and many people telling you how laid back college is - usually by those in their first or second semester..) I fell behind, got test anxiety, but passed the tests I had to pass, but in the end had to drop out (because it would have been nearly impossible for me to catch up and we have to pass tests in a certain number of semesters...

So I was out of college for almost a year (until I could start at another college, again)..was very motivated...and then caught a stomach flue-like disease two days before my exams (anyone heard of the norwalk-like virus?) and was only able to take 2 of the 6 exams I wanted to take (I passed them but those were the easy ones)...so now I feel even more under pressure and what happens? I have to study, but my stomach/colon is still messed up and I can't eat properly (to say the least)...

but anyway, I started studying extremely early and think I'll be able to study the material until my exams in july despite my health situation at the moment.....if I pass those exams (and dont get a stomach flue again), I'll hopefully be out of that slump/vicious cycle thing and won't feel too depressive anymore (but if not..well...). I've already seen a counselor (or two..) before, but to be honest, I think starting something like that now will only upset me more and so on...hopefully after this semester is over everything'll be fine....

oh and thanks Max, actually I thought I was a bad writer, because I tend to brabble too much instead of getting to the point LOL

 

[FireOnTheMountain]

Good job.

I consider myself kind of a 'special case' as well. It's beyond just being shy or inexperienced. I don't think I have social anxiety like you, but since I was home schooled in a very isolated situation I never knew anyone while growing up and had no social skills whatsoever when I started college. I am a shy and quiet person on top of that, though.


Here is something you might try which helped me a lot. I used to feel like I had 'no business' talking to anyone. Like unless I had a real purpose for speaking to them or approaching them, I wasn't 'allowed' to say anything to them.

Last year I became more involved with politics and I collected signatures for a petition in my state. This involves dozens of cold approaches every hour. It's really good practice. The best part of it for me was that I had a real reason for talking to these people and I had some memorized phrases and stuff I could say if my mind went blank. I was nervous to do it at first but that went away quick after the first few times I did it.

I have no fear at all of approaching anyone anymore.




I don't know if that would help you in your situation, but I thought I'd toss it out there.

 

[wolf116]

Hey man, just wondering; were you born with social anxiety or (like me) did you have a fvcked up childhood?

 

[lordson]

anti-depressants help somewhat. they control your depressive symptoms, but have side effects. somebody i knew taking them told me, not only did it get rid of their depressive emotions, but all other emotions. like when he was wathcing a comedy, he told me that he knew the joke was funny, and he would find it funny, but he just didn't feel anything. it was like nothing, empty

everybody is differene,t see how you take to it

 

[GamePlan]

Hey oldschooler - have you heard of "toasmasters"? It's an international club where you can practice public speaking (it even has 2 of them in my tiny city of 100,000 in Germany) and exists basically anywhere in the world..it helped me a great deal (you can go there without participating and just watch and if u want to u can join for 6 months for 25$ here).

@wolf: Im not sure to be honest, maybe something of both..I guess I was always a bit on the shy side, but the social phobia thing probably really started in my early teens

@fireonthemountain: thats a nice idea and Ive actually considered doing something like that, too! but actually, I think Ill not end up doing it if I can continue to improve this way..I think im beyond the point where i thought i have no business speaking to anyone lol (but i know exactly what u mean!). Ill definitely consider doing that in case I need a job, though (which might be the case but only after my exams).

 

[GamePlan]

I must say I find it fascinating how my mind has been deprogrammed during the last year (not sure if I mentioned it, but it was actually my third attempt to work on it, but after the first two attempts - where all I did was overcome my fear of saying 'Hello' to strangers - I quit rather soon because of other problems..so all in all Ive put about a year and 3 months into this).

Today, I went to college, a pretty girl was standing in front of the elevator (Im realistic, let's say a 7-8). I'm standing there in front of the elevator (and didn't really plan on approaching her), but as the elevator took quite a bit of time to finally be there, I just said something along the lines (in German) "I can't believe how long it takes those elevators to arrive. If I just walked upstairs, I'd probably be quicker (in a non-serious tone, of course)". I got her to look at me and smile/giggle, we both got into the elevator, the elevator closed and we started making out like crazy (and more). Okay, seriously I didn't continue the conversation and was a fool for not doing so, because her reaction was rather positive (the smile, giggle part was true).

I know that's not a great exploit or anything, but half a year to a year ago, my reaction would have been to just continue to stand there and ignore her completely (even if the elevator had taken an hour to arrive). Today, it actually feels more "embarrassing" for me to say nothing at all and ignore people in such situations instead of saying at least SOMETHING.

(Don't bash on me, I've come to realize that the next step for me is to turn my mostly quick conversations, which are mostly smalltalk into longer ones and actually ask for numbers and stuff if the girl shows some kind of interest)

I was in a class of another major last semester and was going to take the exam for that class (I'm a business major (German Language) and there's a business major in English, too..and I was going to take that one exam in English).

However, I got sick (as explained before) and didn't take that test and now am not going to the class a second time, but have some questions about that class.

Today, I happened to see a girl standing in front of the information board(exp?) of that English language business major writing down some stuff. I thought: Chances are pretty low that she's in that class, but I'll ask her anyway, because it's a good pretext to talk to her.

So I said "Hi, do you happen to be in..hold on..you were in that xyz class, too last semester weren't you (I hadnt recognized her, because I only saw her back(side lol))?".

She said "yeah..? (a friendly one)", I explained my situation to her and that I needed some information on that class/examn and needed to get in touch with other people in that class (I *really* did, but Im not gonna talk about studying, now). She gave me all the information on that class, I needed including the e-mail address of someone in that class who I could contact, plus I've gotten to know yet another person at college.

Let's hope I don't start spending too much time on here, again talking about every single conversation I've made haha .

P.S.: When I said I had done 20-30 approaches by now (or well started 20-30 conversations with strangers), I didn't count such situations - I only counted situations where I "didn't have any business" talking to the person.

 

[theunflushables]

Wow, those are big steps man. Congrats! If the girl from the English business course is good looking you should get her number, you could be "study buddies".