Do you ever give a girl the "No friendship" ultimatum?

[bigneil]

Sometimes a woman agrees to meet you but it's not a clear-cut romantic date. In my case - a LDR - she said dinner but no hotel (last time we got dinner and a hotel).

Is it a good idea to lay it all on the line and say something like:

"Of course I want to meet you, but you know I am not interested in a friendship. So if you have ruled me out as a man you may one day fall in love with then please just let me go."

Your thoughts on this approach?

 

[Beowolf]

WTF is wrong with you you ole fart. I don't like to sleep with women unless I'm getting a little poon tang.

 

[bigneil]

A woman will think of a man as a friend OR lover but not both. In this case we started out as lovers but since it's long distance I've only seen her once in the last 3 months so I feared possible friend zone. I'm going to see her this week and I know for certain it's not friend zone. But while my line was assertive, I still wonder if it could be perceived as complaining or weakness.

 

[Alle_Gory]

Your thoughts on this approach?

Ultimatums do not work. Ever.

Wait... when she said dinner but no hotel did you push her for it? Or did she just blurt it out on her own?

She could be feeling around to see if you still have balls. It HAS been awhile hasn't it?

 

[Chickfight]

No, there's never anything wrong with saying it like it is. Since you started out as lovers, there really is no way you can be friends. It's the truth.

I wouldn't bring it up unless she does, but if a girl I've had something with before tells me she'll see me, but only as friends. I would tell her that me and her won't ever be friends. Not because I'm not getting laid, but because that's the way it is. Two people who are attracted to each other CANT be friends.

 

[Chickfight]

double post

 

[Falcon25]

No, you just walk away and let your actions speak louder than words. NEVER VERBALIZE.

 

[Alle_Gory]

No, you just walk away and let your actions speak louder than words. NEVER VERBALIZE.

This whole walking away business is lame. You put in all this effort and work just to give up? Fvck that.

Walking away is reserved for when you know there's no opportunity left. You walk away because you know it's not worth it.

 

[bigneil]

when she said dinner but no hotel did you push her for it? Or did she just blurt it out on her own?

She could be feeling around to see if you still have balls. It HAS been awhile hasn't it?

I didn't push her for it. I'm in town for business so already have a hotel but she has a 90 minute commute to work in the morning. It's only been 4 weeks since the last time we were together, and I've been dating other women in the meantime. So we'll get dinner and perhaps I can coax her back to the hotel after.

For those in an LDR - 3 weeks is the longest you want to go. The bond slips away.

 

[Johnnyventana]

Does the hotel have a pool/hot tub? Let her know she might want to bring a swim suit/over night bag. Eat in the hotel!

 

[Your_Royal_Flyness]

Is it a good idea to lay it all on the line and say something like:

"Of course I want to meet you, but you know I am not interested in a friendship. So if you have ruled me out as a man you may one day fall in love with then please just let me go."

Your thoughts on this approach?

The first part is okay. Saying "I'm not interested in a friendship" is cool. However, the second sentence should never be repeated. EVER. Most women would view a man who says that as a weakling.

For one, you will not "wear a woman down" into loving you.

You should not lay it all on the line (because you take a certain degree of mystery away from yourself, and women generally are not attracted to men they do not see a challenge in).

If she is just setting up friendly dates, there's 3 possibilities:
1) Sees you as a non-attractive friend, or
2) She really likes you and is giving you a chance to step it up, or
3) She sees you as a free meal ticket (how many times are you taking her out to eat?)

1 and 3 are most likely. At this point, I strongly suggest letting her go. How is this an LDR if you're not sure what the status of the relationship is? How far away does she live? Have you two had sex? Kissed?

Always make sure that your feelings are reciprocated, especially before you get into an LDR.

 

[Zunder]

No, you just walk away and let your actions speak louder than words. NEVER VERBALIZE.

Occams Razor

 

[PapiChulo]

Once you agree to be her friend you give up the sexual frame as a man and she can do whatever she wants including jumping some dude who is so obviously better. You do give up your balls and become her girlfriend. Also it s a false pretence because she knows what you want and will use it to her advatage. Its a fake friendship anyway. I say that I am attracted to them and friendship won't work between us, it's honest and the chances are they don't wanna be your friend, it's a win win. If she is insisting, then why not. But all I get from being friends with women I really like is pain, suffering and waste of time and money. But no ultimatum though because you can not have expections from a woman who you don't have a history with. Just do what you want, and have no expectations of her- she doesn't have to choose and owes you nothing! It doesn't even matter which way you decide to go.

 

[Diaforetikos]

Your not supposed to tell a girl, that already knows your intentions, what your intentions are. She should know.

I'm gonna interrupt my own words here and ask why your still chasing this girl, even though you haven't seen her in weeks, and there is no guarantee of booty? Waste of time in my opinion... but its my opinion.

Asking her if she wants to be friend turns a switch off in her brain. This switch controls her attraction towards your. She wants mystery. She wants a man. talking about what she wants is what women do. Men act, women talk. So don't ponder asking her if she is still interested.

Assume she is interested and act accordingly.


Oh, and by the way, the only thing asking her accomplishes is filtering her out of your plate spinning. But if you want to keep this particular girl, your gonna have to act and shut up.



And think of it this way. When James Bond goes back to the girl he hasn't seen in a while, does he send her a message asking if she is still interested? NOOOOO!! He ACTS as is she is, and then reaps the benefits.



Go there and assume attraction. Then game as usual.

 

[comic_relief]

Ultimatums do NOT work. Just fixing it so you can understand the severity of what I am saying. If you are worrying about something than your gut is trying to tell you something. Maybe the "relationship" is not what you want. Move on if you are considering this or any other emails

Your not supposed to tell a girl, that already knows your intentions, what your intentions are. She should know.

I'm gonna interrupt my own words here and ask why your still chasing this girl, even though you haven't seen her in weeks, and there is no guarantee of booty? Waste of time in my opinion... but its my opinion.

Asking her if she wants to be friend turns a switch off in her brain. This switch controls her attraction towards your. She wants mystery. She wants a man. talking about what she wants is what women do. Men act, women talk. So don't ponder asking her if she is still interested.

Assume she is interested and act accordingly.


Oh, and by the way, the only thing asking her accomplishes is filtering her out of your plate spinning. But if you want to keep this particular girl, your gonna have to act and shut up.

Go there and assume attraction. Then game as usual.

Other than the James Bond reference wonderful post (James Bond is not real and is useless in real life. Not that I want to get involved in that discussion.

I absolutely agree with you. This is a post that I wrote last year or so, http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1571939#post1571939

This whole walking away business is lame. You put in all this effort and work just to give up? Fvck that.

Walking away is reserved for when you know there's no opportunity left. You walk away because you know it's not worth it.

Walking away is meant only as the greatest Fvck you and when you do walk away, stay away. It says so much about your respect for yourself and your respect for the other person. That is what I just did with two former friends and have no plan on going back to them. I am moving on and they are mvoing in very different directions

I have personally NEVER walked away from other people on good terms and someone always gets hurt. I always treat walking away as the last thing to do.

- comic_relief

 

[sinnerman]

Sometimes a woman agrees to meet you but it's not a clear-cut romantic date. In my case - a LDR - she said dinner but no hotel (last time we got dinner and a hotel).

Is it a good idea to lay it all on the line and say something like:

"Of course I want to meet you, but you know I am not interested in a friendship. So if you have ruled me out as a man you may one day fall in love with then please just let me go."

Your thoughts on this approach?

dont verbalize it...instead take advantage of the opportunity..tease her a lot when ure out with her..flirt a lil bit..maybe innocent touching if the timing & situation is right.

u cannot force a gal to view you in romantic light by giving an ultimatum. i think you should remain a gent on the date..not push for anything but continue building up the tension..tht has worked for me with my ldr ex who friended & at the end of the ''hangout'' as friends was all over me..

so go without expecting anything..just build up the tension.good luck !

 

[The_411]

Ultimatums only work if you are operating from a position of power and even then when you are in the position of power you don't care one way or another.

The problem is that 99.9% of ultimatums come from a position of weakness. There's no point because bin laying down an ultimatum because you're saying do this or else and the natural human instinct is to rebel.

It's the same reason why when a woman breaks up with you you agree with her because she's expecting you to argue or contest which solidifes her rationale that she was correct in breaking up with you. When you agree it confuses her and makes her question her decision and makes her wonder why are you trying to get out of the relationship so fast.

The better question is why are you dealing with a LDR and why is there a hotel room involved at all? She should be either your place or worse case at her place.

 

[Alanswer]

Double post

 

[Alanswer]

"Of course I want to meet you, but you know I am not interested in a friendship. "

"... so take a night bag, just in case. We'll see what the evening has in store for us."
Then, you're on.

"So if you have ruled me out as a man you may one day fall in love with then please just let me go."

Never say something like that: "let me go"??? "please"?!!
You implicitely saying to her she's your master and you can't decide for yourself when and if you want to end the 'relationship'.
You give her way too much power with these 3 little words plus the killer "please" (and the sentence that goes with.)

As for ultimatums, that's 50/50. It depends on what the ultimatum is about, why you feel the need to pose it, on her level of attraction for you... And the way you present/formulate it.

But don't formulate it as a question. "It's this or nothing", period. Show that's fine either way for you. You don't want to waste your time. But don't end a speech on an ultimatum, incorporate it in it. Give a statement that she could only agree with directly following the 'ultimatum'.

For instance: "If it's a friendly meet I'm not interested. But I want to see you. Last time was good. Let's meet up and enjoy each other company again."

If she agrees you're on. You can add the sentence I proposed above ("... so take a night bag, just in case. We'll see what the evening has in store for us."), simply to take some pressure of the meet, to let the interaction follows its course naturally, not like something premeditated and imposed.

It's a more subtle kind of ultimatum and it works 90% of the time.

Up to you to create enough tension and attraction to close the deal... Again.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Ultimatums only work if you are operating from a position of power and even then when you are in the position of power you don't care one way or another.

The problem is that 99.9% of ultimatums come from a position of weakness. There's no point because bin laying down an ultimatum because you're saying do this or else and the natural human instinct is to rebel.

It's the same reason why when a woman breaks up with you you agree with her because she's expecting you to argue or contest which solidifes her rationale that she was correct in breaking up with you. When you agree it confuses her and makes her question her decision and makes her wonder why are you trying to get out of the relationship so fast.

The better question is why are you dealing with a LDR and why is there a hotel room involved at all? She should be either your place or worse case at her place.

Excellent post.