Do the rules change when Kids Involved ?

ObiOne

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Good Evening All

Just want to say a massive kudos to everyone taking their time to share experiences and trying to help fellow men. Think its awesome people are giving their advice out for free some of it is gold.

Before anyone thinks I am just another AFC rehashing the same old question I just wan to give a bit of background. I'm a fun guy in my mid 40s could easily pass as 30 (The black don't crack :) … always the life and soul of the party. Read loads of self help anyone asks me how I am my answer is always better than good. I'm a positive man !!!

Anyways I have never been married as I don't believe in it, and had 3 LTRs and plenty of hook ups my game is alright certainly not an AFC but defiantly not at Don Juan level yet. I had my first child in my early 20s with this crazy ***** but dam the sex was unreal. I sort of new that relationship it would not work but wanted to try after I she pregnant. When that relationship started to go south I was able to walk away and never look back even though the breakup sucked and giving up on seeing my son everyday ****ed me up for a while was defiantly for the best spent the next decade traveling, enjoying life and generally having fun. I used to study a lot of David DeAngelo stuff and actually liked the inner game stuff he talked about rather than the Mystery Method which was all technique based at the time. Anyways met my most recent ex about 6 years ago we just hit it off I already new that that really attractive woman are put up on a pedestal and they secretly have a strong desire for a man to come along and put them in place. I used to always use the frame with everyone I interreacted with 'your in my world now'. She also loved that my son was the center of my world and everything else came 2nd (She even said that was one of the most attractive traits to her)

Anyways within 6 months I accidently got her up the duff she offered to abort it, but said if she did we could not be together as she wanted kids. Decided to go for it as I was smitten with this girl. We lived together for most part of our relationship with my now new born son and my other son came weekends it started off great then I slowly became more beta as I progressed in my career was earning bucks thinking we would get a house together. I lost my passions along the way (football, going out) meaning I started turned into a boring beta ****. Signs were visible 2 months earlier but I tried to book us a holiday in Sept 2018 etc On holiday ended up doing more things with my older son as the age gap between them 15 and 5 was too big to entertain them both. Literally a month after Holiday last year we split. She had to move out of MY house (Purchased by myself years ago) and got herself a 2 bedroom place and the council help her pay for it. I was pretty good about the split and walked away only because it hit me sideways and was in no frame of mind to be able to resolve or cope with anything. She wanted to be friends but I knew that was a bad move and said not a chance. I saw my son every weekend so there was minimal contact but had to be some.

Fast forward this year she started chasing me as I really wanted this to work I was up for giving it a shot. But think it was still too soon for her she was still very unsure bringing up **** that happened when we first got together about me being too close with my other sons mother etc. I reassured her then started to become even more beta think these where **** test, I noticed this and then backed off for weeks which seemed to pull the polarity back. Anyways one of the problems is we would never go out on actual dates as her mum passed away years ago and my mum is 80 so getting a sitter for the boy is hard. We did do family day outs and then go home put kid to bed bottle of wine watch a film and sex it was not the hot passionate sex though. Around April I would see her maybe twice a week stay at hers but the sex had dried up one day in the morning I just got mad and was like what the **** are we doing having a sexless relationship ???? She then dumped me after that conversation saying her feelings have gone again lol

So I walk away again no contact did this for myself not to win her back about a recently can tell she is starting to orbit an extra x on the text messages when we chat about my son. Saying how she misses us. I remain neutral never talk about US, when she **** test me about stuff regarding my son asking about joint party for the boys birthday I'm like we are no longer a family so why pretend lets just have separate ones. She would say oh he would really like this though.

My question is this any other relationship I could walk away this girl has now dumped me twice. But as its my sons mother and carry that little torch still is this possible to save this relationship there never been any infidelity. I have been reading Mark mansons book Models and noticed a massive chink in my armour where he talks about humans are attracted to the rough edges. I never show emotion my Mum was one of those domineering Caribbean woman and my dad was ***** whipped I hated him for that and never thought of him as a man. But has made me very stoned face great for attracting woman initially very hard to have a relationship. Its something I need to work on NOT for her but for me to be able to grow and be better version of me.

Is their any point of even considering going back there if she steps up and continues to chase me ?? I know it would HAVE to be on my terms obviously ……. But am I just trying to get something back that no longer exist. I can never ghost the girl completely she is the mother of my child and would love to be full time back in my sons world as well as having a passionate relationship or is it to far down the road to even try ????

If it was just boyfriend \ girlfriend the obvious choice would be to walk away and never look back.
 
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Epic Days

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All the rules change. But more importantly, the rules change inside you as well.
 

highSpeed

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All the rules change. But more importantly, the rules change inside you as well.
At this point, kids are not much more than baggage. They're not your kids if the state can step in and award primary custody to the mother. You are simply a battery and a sperm donor. Everyone thinks kids have always gone with the mother, as with pretty much everything else, what you have been told is a lie.

The father was and has been the head of the family in pretty much every culture. There are a few exceptions but for the vast majority of known history, the man has been the head of the household and in charge of the family. The kids weren't going anywhere without his say so.

Fast forward to today and the inmates now run the asylum. Letting the woman be in sole charge of the kids is literally like letting the inmates run the jail, making all the rules.

If you are a father who's actually interested in being a parent, let me save you the trouble and let you know there's not much point. They are an emotional drag, as they can be taken away at any time for any nonsense reason. Why invest in such a bad emotional arrangement? Yes, you may want kids but again, they're not yours. You're simply responsible for them, that's all.

Bad investment gentlemen, bad investment.
 

ObiOne

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Appreciate the response Gents. @highSpeed whilst I get what your saying logically, emotionally I could NEVER detach myself from my boy its unconditional the love I have for him. So whatever the outcome even as a single dad I will always look after him loyalty is my biggest value in life.
 

Epic Days

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Appreciate the response Gents. @highSpeed whilst I get what your saying logically, emotionally I could NEVER detach myself from my boy its unconditional the love I have for him. So whatever the outcome even as a single dad I will always look after him loyalty is my biggest value in life.
I highly recommend being loyal to your son. That is something he understands.
 
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Spaz

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There's no win-win here, something has to lose.

You take her back, it's more then likely you'll end up miserable and with the misery inside, you'll end up a lousy dad, which defeats the whole purpose of you and ur ex getting back together.

But if you leave her out, it still somewhat affects ur son BUT that doesn't make you a lousy dad.
 

highSpeed

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Appreciate the response Gents. @highSpeed whilst I get what your saying logically, emotionally I could NEVER detach myself from my boy its unconditional the love I have for him. So whatever the outcome even as a single dad I will always look after him loyalty is my biggest value in life.
I think that's where we're not speaking the same language, it's not about whether or not you decide to detach yourself from your son. That decision is not in your purview to make, it's made for you. I know plenty of guys who only get to see their kids 8 days or less a month. You're not much of a parent, whether you want to be or not, if you only get to see your son 8 days a month. So if you look at it in percentages, 8 out of 30 days a month is only like 25% of the time you're actually in your son's life. The other 75% of the time, she's in the mother's care and possibly, some other guy running your son's life. At a 75/25 split, how much of you and the essence of what you want to pass on to your son will actually make it into him? I'm not trying to be a downer but I honestly don't think much. It's like a 3 to 1 ratio of what they put in there and what you want to put in there. But you're still 100% responsible for his medical and money needs just about.
 

highSpeed

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I highly recommend being loyal to your son. That is something he understands.
I agree with you in principle @Epic Days but in reality, he's not going to be around enough to be viewed as loyal. The son may understand the logistics of things as an adult but the mental conditioning that he's going to receive by the other party leading up to that is going to be, let's be honest, difficult at best to overcome.
 
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