Do I need to talk to her about this?

[kipper034]

I just need to know if I'm overreacting..

I've been dating a girl for 3 months and thing's been great (only thing we haven't done is sex). We aren't seeing anyone else although I was spinning plates early on. I've done nice things for her and vice versa. Gradually we've gotten even closer when I went home to the U.S for 1 week (I live in Europe) and recently she had a family tragedy (no, I'm not being her therapist. Just listening). And yes I talk to her now often and see each other 3-4 times a week. And yes I do have a life, as I'm really busy with work, sports and friends.

The only thing that kind of bothers me is that I'm the one who's mostly calling and leading. Yes, that's great in the beginning but as we're getting more serious, I want her to take some actions too. And though I rarely do sad puppy thing, sometimes I do tell her "I miss you", as I believe in being human too; she says this too but only during serious moments.

So should I mention this? Or just leave things as they are? My mind says communication is important without being all emotional But, I don't want power to shift; I prefer balance...

p.s: I want to avoid not calling her 4-5 days see if she calls back thing.

 

[Captain]

Don't mention it, just see her less. You are more interested in her than she is in you. Whoever cares the least has the most power.

And read this:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=176859

 

[kipper034]

Thank you Captain. Though I rarely post, I've been lurking around for a while and I have always appreciated your responses as they're usually more objective and neutral.

I do understand your point about not seeing each other much and not calling out. I fully agree about the nature of power. But I think as she and I are heading towards exclusive relationship, does not seeing each other potentially damage that prospect? Maybe this could be cultural difference from the U.S and former Soviet nations (things are more traditional here than what I'm used to)?! Or this could be her personality?

Whew, I don't know. But I will take your advice on not saying anything, at least yet, until more time has been passed. I guess I could be getting worked up for nothing since things are going well.

 

[Ease]

Cultural differences might be an issue, but low interest is obviously no different here from there. Any man can tell from reading your post that you are more into her than she is into you. Its a common issue, pulling back and seeing her less/giving her less affection will not drive you apart, it will make her come to you more.

Its like a game of tug of war, for things to run smoothly in your relationship and save it for the long term, she needs to be pulling harder.

 

[todays_news]

I hear the 2:3 ratio works well, as in for every 3 nice things she does you give 2. And dont let up, and dont bring this up either.

 

[kipper034]

Thank you for the reply Ease.

I do see your point. That was why I was thinking about bringing this up with her soon, not in emotional or angry way but just discussing it briefly. I do think that communication is very important.

Before her and plates I was spinning, I had oneitis for one (completely indifferent chick) that was painful to get over. So with current girl, I was extremely cautious in the beginning as well others in game at that time (luckily I haven't had problem getting dates )

At "early" stage, I nexted girls and got nexted. But at the moment with her it's not really early stage as we've agreed not to see anyone else for awhile. Her friend told me at a party she really likes me, though I don't know how important this information is.

Since she's going on vacation for 2 weeks, I think I can re-evaluate things. I don't know, then I could briefly bring out this issue and see how she behaves. If not I can probably move onto others depending on the outcome.

But Captain and Ease, you guys are absolutely correct that I have to guard my heart. I think from my painful past, hopefully this can be done

 

[kipper034]

I hear the 2:3 ratio works well, as in for every 3 nice things she does you give 2. And dont let up, and dont bring this up either.

Yes she has done nice things to me Such as going to airport and picking me up, buying me dinner and helping me out when I need a translator (which I'm a little embarassed about); I've been abiding to this 2:3 ratio.

So, the main issue here is just me calling her more and keep making plans. It's great in the beginning that I can be in control but when in relationship or to that direction, I don't think this is the best.

 

[Ease]

Heres the deal:

You can't make her phone you more with words.

You can only phone her less to restore the ratio. When the ratio is restored, she will phone you more instinctively.

When you put it into words, she will phone you even less. You have to be cool and deal with this situation stealthily.

 

[kipper034]

Heres the deal:

You can't make her phone you more with words.

You can only phone her less to restore the ratio. When the ratio is restored, she will phone you more instinctively.

When you put it into words, she will phone you even less. You have to be cool and deal with this situation stealthily.

Ok Cool. I will follow this advice Ease and see what happens. Thank you.