Yesterday, I fell asleep saying to myself that tomorrow will be a great day (I do this often).
Well... maybe I see this as more of a failure than it really is.. but... I had decided to make myself noticed and attract attention (talk/approach/whatever, fvck labels) from this one girl that I have found myself to admire. (note: I don't feel weak, petty, or any less of a person around her, which is a little bit of why I like her).
I walked past her and said hello as I softy squeezed her shoulder. This was enough to make me nervous, but I was happy to hear that she said hello back in an upbeat-this-isn't-very-normal-of-you way (which is good). I sat down and kept mt body language as open as comfortably possible, quietly focusing on my school work, a bit more confident that my hello was recieved in a positive way (instead of having someone ignore me). I then manifested my willpower in wanting me to get her attention again (not just saying hello). I knew that I wouldn't have been able to choke out something worth saying if I was to consult her directly, so I confidently got up and walked to the black guy sitting behind her (who I can say anything to without fear). I kneeled down next to his desk (so that when she looked at me I would be at an angle), and cheerfully asked him what he was listening to, with a bright, unforced smile.
He said "it would be too obvious" (the teacher was outside). And holding the smile, I looked over to her as soon as I noticed when she did so, out of the corner of my eye. She said "Michael, you're really starting to talk more.".
This is where my old self comes in...
Yeah...(unable to sound happy, fear paralyzed my will), It's harder than I thought it would be.
(I lost my concentration and a song jumped in my head, leaving me hopeless)
And on that sad, depressed note, I slowly (but anxiously) walked back to my seat. It wasn't as near as bad as it sounds, but it bothered me...
But... there's more. (please read...)
My happiness beaten for only that hour, I felt confident that I would be able to do something in Language Arts (last period of the day).
I got there with the same attitude, only there was something else that bothered me...
The girl that sits in front of her (that blocks our view of each other), just got checked out. I saw her looking at me about two times, and neither of those times did I feel o.k. enough to even move a muscle (literally). I just kept looking at my work or at the board...
"It's okay..." I thought... there's no such thing as failure! Only practice...
But I couldn't help from not feeling bad about that.
Being the fast worker I am, I was the first one done with the assignment.
I walked with my "vibe" (silent happiness/feeling good about nothing) and politely handed my work to the teacher who was at her desk.
Luckily! My one of interest's desk was right by the teacher!
She noticed I was done and asked me to help her!
I thought.. "FVCK YES! A chance!"
I was having a having a very mild panic attack (basically fear) at this point, which made my movements curiously difficult and made me afraid to look in her direction (she was finishing reading the story). As I was almost to her desk she asked me what I thought number 1B was, but at the same time... an acquiantance of mine said hi, and a somewhat-friend of mine asked me to come over to where he was...
All this at the same time was overloading, I didn't know whether to ignore my friend and go see the girl, or say hi to the other one and walk over to my friend or walk over to the girl! I was left speechless, but forced myself to make a casual looking gesture of confusion and said "Aaah.. hold on..." and walked over to my friend.
I almost wanted to be angry after that... knowing I just had walked away from her (she didn't notice). My friend wanted the same thing as her... and I had decided (under extreme internal pressure, slight-panicking), that I should bring my friend over to be able to recieve help from me, so I could help her at the same time (and giving her my proper attention).
That worked as planned... but my actions were in no way what I wanted to do.
I felt a little panicky (not nervous, mind you), and I wasn't able to be the flirty, humorously dramatic as I can be around my ugly friend-girl (lol) brenda. I did not feel on her ring, comment on her hair (which is black, I like that!), nor were my words sensually expressed to create affection from the female party...
*sigh...*
This is how she EXPECTS me to be (shy, quiet), but I have shown myself not to be recently (after straightening my mind and thoughts, and vitamin B deficiency...).
No negative thoughts run in my head AT ALL, EVER!
I want to do what I know I will eventually do with all my being, but it pains me to see that I was unable today.
I'm not afraid she will lose interest... because the only person she will lose interest in is the ..."Shy" me.
I also do not think she is the most important thing in the world.
But I want to do anything and everything I can RIGHT NOW to learn and enjoy as much as fantastically possible (really).
And I don't ask "What did I do wrong?", but I ask... "What did I do right?" (serious question)
So please, I think I've asked this before, give me something to do!
Give me a list of things to try, and if you won't, point out some positive things for me, or at least give me some encouragement!
Thanks
Well... maybe I see this as more of a failure than it really is.. but... I had decided to make myself noticed and attract attention (talk/approach/whatever, fvck labels) from this one girl that I have found myself to admire. (note: I don't feel weak, petty, or any less of a person around her, which is a little bit of why I like her).
I walked past her and said hello as I softy squeezed her shoulder. This was enough to make me nervous, but I was happy to hear that she said hello back in an upbeat-this-isn't-very-normal-of-you way (which is good). I sat down and kept mt body language as open as comfortably possible, quietly focusing on my school work, a bit more confident that my hello was recieved in a positive way (instead of having someone ignore me). I then manifested my willpower in wanting me to get her attention again (not just saying hello). I knew that I wouldn't have been able to choke out something worth saying if I was to consult her directly, so I confidently got up and walked to the black guy sitting behind her (who I can say anything to without fear). I kneeled down next to his desk (so that when she looked at me I would be at an angle), and cheerfully asked him what he was listening to, with a bright, unforced smile.
He said "it would be too obvious" (the teacher was outside). And holding the smile, I looked over to her as soon as I noticed when she did so, out of the corner of my eye. She said "Michael, you're really starting to talk more.".
This is where my old self comes in...
Yeah...(unable to sound happy, fear paralyzed my will), It's harder than I thought it would be.
(I lost my concentration and a song jumped in my head, leaving me hopeless)
And on that sad, depressed note, I slowly (but anxiously) walked back to my seat. It wasn't as near as bad as it sounds, but it bothered me...
But... there's more. (please read...)
My happiness beaten for only that hour, I felt confident that I would be able to do something in Language Arts (last period of the day).
I got there with the same attitude, only there was something else that bothered me...
The girl that sits in front of her (that blocks our view of each other), just got checked out. I saw her looking at me about two times, and neither of those times did I feel o.k. enough to even move a muscle (literally). I just kept looking at my work or at the board...
"It's okay..." I thought... there's no such thing as failure! Only practice...
But I couldn't help from not feeling bad about that.
Being the fast worker I am, I was the first one done with the assignment.
I walked with my "vibe" (silent happiness/feeling good about nothing) and politely handed my work to the teacher who was at her desk.
Luckily! My one of interest's desk was right by the teacher!
She noticed I was done and asked me to help her!
I thought.. "FVCK YES! A chance!"
I was having a having a very mild panic attack (basically fear) at this point, which made my movements curiously difficult and made me afraid to look in her direction (she was finishing reading the story). As I was almost to her desk she asked me what I thought number 1B was, but at the same time... an acquiantance of mine said hi, and a somewhat-friend of mine asked me to come over to where he was...
All this at the same time was overloading, I didn't know whether to ignore my friend and go see the girl, or say hi to the other one and walk over to my friend or walk over to the girl! I was left speechless, but forced myself to make a casual looking gesture of confusion and said "Aaah.. hold on..." and walked over to my friend.
I almost wanted to be angry after that... knowing I just had walked away from her (she didn't notice). My friend wanted the same thing as her... and I had decided (under extreme internal pressure, slight-panicking), that I should bring my friend over to be able to recieve help from me, so I could help her at the same time (and giving her my proper attention).
That worked as planned... but my actions were in no way what I wanted to do.
I felt a little panicky (not nervous, mind you), and I wasn't able to be the flirty, humorously dramatic as I can be around my ugly friend-girl (lol) brenda. I did not feel on her ring, comment on her hair (which is black, I like that!), nor were my words sensually expressed to create affection from the female party...
*sigh...*
This is how she EXPECTS me to be (shy, quiet), but I have shown myself not to be recently (after straightening my mind and thoughts, and vitamin B deficiency...).
No negative thoughts run in my head AT ALL, EVER!
I want to do what I know I will eventually do with all my being, but it pains me to see that I was unable today.
I'm not afraid she will lose interest... because the only person she will lose interest in is the ..."Shy" me.
I also do not think she is the most important thing in the world.
But I want to do anything and everything I can RIGHT NOW to learn and enjoy as much as fantastically possible (really).
And I don't ask "What did I do wrong?", but I ask... "What did I do right?" (serious question)
So please, I think I've asked this before, give me something to do!
Give me a list of things to try, and if you won't, point out some positive things for me, or at least give me some encouragement!
Thanks
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