Dilemma - quick reply appreciated

[Oscar Wilde]

LTR dilemma

Hey guys,

I'm working to a tight schedule here, quick replies appreciated.

Here's the situation:

- going out with GF for 9 weeks

- 3 weeks ago had incident where she said she "had intended to dump me"

- got back with her, never got around to discussing in depth the situation.

- her male colleague and her had a holiday planned for tomorrow (week in Spain). He got sick last week and cancelled, then said he was going, then went incommunicado for 4 days.

- yesterday he said he was going, 2 hours later cancelled, then 2 hours later said he was definitely going for sure

- GF had asked me at end of last week if I could get the time off (I think I can, but it's a close thing with my boss).

- yesterday, when he cancelled for the final time she asked me if I could go, and found out there were spaces on the flights

- I went and thought about it for 2 hours in the gym and decided to go

- I came back in to work and had the email from her saying he was definitely going - she knew from my reaction that I was annoyed and disappointed, so she said "why dont we get an appartment" (they had intended staying with his friend) and "do you want to come, I don't mind".

- I'm thinking that's not a very enthusiastic phrasing "I don't mind if you come", not "Please come, I'd be delighted if you did"

- I decided that enough was enough, we needed to talk about what happened the Friday night she told me she was gonna dump me

- Did that this morning, quick 10 min conversation walking to train

- She did not want to talk about it, said she was tired and looking forward to holiday and didn't want any hassle. Said she got badly burned in her last relationship (5 months ago), wasn't over it and didn't want to get into "serious" conversations.

- I just said "I want to know if you 'want me to go' or if you just 'don't mind'" She said that she did, but body language was not very positive.

- She's a bad morning person, and she has been very stressed at work recently, so I can understand her not wanting to get into it. But she's making a bigger deal out of it by not wanting to talk about it, and I'm getting bad body language from her.

I'm wondering should I spend the 500 euros (550 USD), and have a nice week in Spain, or just bite the bullet and call the whole thing off and go macking this weekend.

Can provide more info, apologies for rushed post.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

I want some more "give" from her in the relationship, and she seems unable or unprepared to. I'm thinking we're done when we get back anyway.

Damn, I'm feeling very negative about this all right now.

She sent me a mail saying "ok, my last thoughts about this topic... I don't want to have an of these conversations on holiday. So if you think we need more of these then I should go alone and we talk about it when I get back. I certainly don;t want any drunken conversations in the bar at night. What I'm looking for from the break is space, relaxation coupla beers and that's it. I'm certainly not going to isolate <male-colleague> with us being a couply stuff. I'm hoping this is what you're thinking too."

Thoughts, please. I'm too close to this to think properly.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

You europeans are crap - where's me damn replies? I'll get a tonne from the US guys I'll bet!

Ok, I'm feeling terribly depressed. I just talked the situation through with my sister, and my gut feeling is not to go. And to break it off.

The rule for me is to follow my gut instinct, so I have to do that.

The problem is she's trying so damned hard not to get hurt that she's hurting me. I deserve better.

Damn this for a load of monkey sh!t. No, dunno where that sentence came from. I need a pint.

I am not a happy camper.

 

[squirrels]

Go macking in Spain!

She said she wanted to get an apartment/hotel with you instead of staying with them...I'd take that as a positive at least.

She probably wanted to dump you because you WERE taking things too "seriously." Sounds like she just wants to have fun...preferably with you, but hardly limited to you.

In other words, she is NOT LTR material, at least at this point in time, and she feels like you're trying to force her into that. She just managed to escape one, and she wants to have fun for a little while.

If you want to take a holiday, than take one. If not, then don't just go to appease her.

Not like she'll care. If you go, so much the better...you can get your own hotel and she'll have someone to have fun with and have sex with, who (hopefully) won't spend the whole time trying to discuss weighty relationships. If you don't go, don't be surprised if this "male colleague" becomes more than a "colleague", or if she goes man-hunting in Spain.

It's up to you.

 

[stevey_2000]

oscar,

sorry but i only just read this!,

it sounds to me like you would never be on the straight and narrow with this girl and sounds like she has serious issue's (from what i have read) and a DJ (especially a master DJ, like yourself) should drop her before she drops you so i would tell her to go herself and 'go macking' as you put it because you could goto spain and spend the holiday arguing and that would make it ten times worse,

that's what i'd do anyway.

Ste.

 

[chlywly]

Lol, women are so funny, she's affraid of getting hurt so she's playing like she's running, won't give you the time of day to talk about what she truly means or wants, and your supposed to whipe her ass for her, if rolls were reveresed she would be crying.

I say NEXT.

 

[prosemont]

A Jagged Little Pill ...

Oscar, this is a tough pill to swallow, but let me tell you what you already know deep down in your intestines:

she's not that into you.

Whatever the reason, she's not that into you. The game is ALREADY over. A woman who was into you would not be doing the following:

1. Intending to break it off with you or even entertaining such thoughts;

2. Planning a vacation to romantic Spain with a "colleague" while leaving you behind (this alone would be reason enough to next her);

3. Then, after the colleague gets flakey asks you to go as a back-up plan, then again, after the colleague confirms, doing and saying everything to get you not to go without actually coming out and saying so to you. You're the back-up guy here. You wouldn't have been asked had the friend not flaked. Are you comfortable being back-up guy??? Don't make me quote all you've said to confirm this, please.

4. Telling you, upfront, that this trip is NOT about you and her. It is about her friend and she wants you to know, straight up, that you're not going to be doing the "couple" thing when, after all, her friend will be there. Huh? Or rather ... como?

5. Giving you excuses for her behavior by bringing up getting burned over five months ago in a different relationship.

6. Not wanting to get emotionally involved by talking about any of the issues of your relationship. Indeed, not wanting to get emotionally involved at all. In fact, SHUTTING down all meaningful communication -- a nice premptive strike by her I might add.

7. Need I go on???

Of course, you know all this. Is there any reason you're NOT terminating this right now? Let me guess ... she's a little hottie, isn't she? She has a golden puzzy, doesn't she? You just can't accept the fact that she isn't as into you as you are into her, I am correct aren't I?

Let's just examine one other thing, if you can indulge me just a little further: let's say you decide to go on this trip, ostensibly to "win" her over with your fine seductive skills and/or to prevent her friend from boning her in the ass. Your chances are not good and you will doing yourself a huge disservice.

First, she is not into you. The chances of reversing this are slim to begin with, even slimmer when you factor in the fact that she has it for the friend and doesn't want you to be there. You are an obstacle, you are a carbuncle on her ass and will only serve to further annoy the sh!t out of her.

Second, she'll be able to directly compare and contrast the two of you. This ordinarily would be a great thing (if it were me!) but because she already is leaning towards the friend and against you, she'll view you even more negatively and he more positively. You always cut slack for those you like and tighten it for those you don't.

Third, and this is perhaps the most important: why the fvck would you disrespect yourself by putting yourself in a negative position for this little cvnt? Do you realize the hoops you are jumping through in vain? And for what? And for whom??? Her??? Puleeze. She is replaceable, believe me.

Fourth, why would you waste any of your precious time (and money) in investing anything further into a sinking ship?

Fifth, there is plenty of great puzzy out there. Suck it up and go out and get some more. Get several more. Build your bullpen of relievers. Had you done that in the first place, btw, you wouldn't be in this awful position you find yourself in. You'd have said ... "You want to go to Spain with your friend? Great!!! That will give us a nice week apart!!!" And, of course, the corrollary to that is that you'd be boning your other women up the ass while this girl is wondering what YOU are doing and she'd be concerned about her going away for a week wondering what YOU'RE doing, rather than the other way around.

WHAT TO DO: Cancel immediately. Break it off with her immediately. No theatrics, no drama. No explanations. Using my good friend RKTek's words: Break it off unceremoniously. If you have any of her shi.t at your place, bag it all up into a paper bag and ask her whether she wants to pick it up or when you can drop it off. Then move on.

Good luck.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Thanks guys.

squirrels: I do take it as a positive sign that she wants to stay in an apptmt with me - it's great! But the larger issue, that she is so afraid of getting hurt in a relationship, that is the killer blow: it's hurting me big-time. Sadly I'm a very sensitive guy, behind the usual male bravado. I don't have a thick neck and take things to heart. She's really hurting me bad and I just can't take it.

On the colleague front - I know the guy quite well, I wouldn't be worried for several reasons, the primary one being how hot his GF is

stevey: don't let the title mislead you. I know my stuff and I get out there and field test the knowledge but don't consider myself Master status. I'm not mad into the DJ philosophy tbh. I do like going out and having fun with the girls, but there's nothing like having one special girl in an LTR, it's very fulfilling. Or heart breaking, sometimes

--

So, I just sent an email finishing the relationship - I can't handle her holding back on me, it's just too painful. I don't blame her for it, but I can't go on as it is.

I've noticed how damn sensitive I am - I get hurt very easy by this sh!t. You might say "rAFC", but I'm not AFC, nothing frustrated about me. I just don't have a very thick neck.

Fsck this all anyway. Gonna have a few drinks tonight.

Osc.

^^ I wrote this a couple of hours ago. Gonna reply again.

 

[squirrels]

Better now than later...you shouldn't HAVE to put yourself through tribulation to make her want to be around you.

You're better than that.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Prosemont, dude you deserve a reply all of your own.

First of all, thanks! You really nailed some stuff on the head there. I think you're wrong on one or two things, like about the colleague - my gut feeling from the times I've met him is that nothing's going on there. But the majority of your stuff is bang on. Let me reply to some of it directly.

2. Planning a vacation to romantic Spain with a "colleague" while leaving you behind (this alone would be reason enough to next her);

Ok, like I said, there's a couple of reasons I don't think this is true - his GF, her position as his boss (she's too professional).

Yeah, I shoulda nexted her, but I was thinking:

a) she'd already it planned when we met
b) I'm cool with her hanging around with other guys, because I really am (was?) that confident in her being faithful (judging character) and her IL seemed sky-high.

she's not that into you.

Bold because it's gold. Bang on the money, I'm certain of it.

Here's where the tip I saw recently comes in: she's not that into me, but that has no reflection on me. Hell, I'm a good looking, well-dressed, intelligent and confident guy, but she's just not interested in a person like me, and the kinda relationship I want. I just got a cool girlfriend of mine tell me "chin up - you gotta lot to give". Just need to engrain that on my grey matter this evening.

She just called me after getting my email, and wanted to know if it was set in stone, I said no, twasn't, but Prosemont, you and I know that it's not to be. Hell, I'll think about it for the week that I have, but gawddamn it'll take something special to put it back together.

Is there any reason you're NOT terminating this right now? Let me guess ... she's a little hottie, isn't she? She has a golden puzzy, doesn't she? You just can't accept the fact that she isn't as into you as you are into her, I am correct aren't I?

Yep, yep and nope. She's a little 4 ft 9, seven stone (95 lbs) bundle of determined, cute and intelligent woman, with her own house, convertible and high-paying job. But I *can* accept the fact that she's not as into me as I am to her. I've accepted and dealt with.

Get several more. Build your bullpen of relievers. Had you done that in the first place, btw, you wouldn't be in this awful position you find yourself in. You'd have said ... "You want to go to Spain with your friend? Great!!! That will give us a nice week apart!!!" And, of course, the corrollary to that is that you'd be boning your other women up the ass while this girl is wondering what YOU are doing and she'd be concerned about her going away for a week wondering what YOU'RE doing, rather than the other way around.

You know, this is something I just cannot do. I agree with playing around, but once I'm committed I take it quite seriously. I know it mightn't be the attitude of a lot of guys here, but fsck it, each to their own.

But yeah, I need to work on the bullpen of girl "friends".

WHAT TO DO: Cancel immediately. Break it off with her immediately. No theatrics, no drama. No explanations. Using my good friend RKTek's words: Break it off unceremoniously. If you have any of her shi.t at your place, bag it all up into a paper bag and ask her whether she wants to pick it up or when you can drop it off. Then move on.

Made sure I had everything when I left this morning. Even pointed this fact out to her when we spoke on the way to work. Not so smooth, but proves I was thinking the right way.

btw, I don't think I can do the break off so unceremoniously - too much of a Nice Guy, and regardless of opinions on this site, I like to retain something of that, however little. That said, yeah, that could be good in some circumstances, but it would have lead to even more questions from her this evening, and she's fscked in the head enough without me causing more (and having to deal with her blaming me for it). This way it's a lot cleaner.

Again, thanks a lot for your cool post, I really appreciate it.

Osc.