Hello Friend,

If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.

It will be the most efficient use of your time.

And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.

Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

Did not close, paying the price?

Mind Asp

New Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
9
Reaction score
2
Greetings.

Some background on myself; (I am stating facts not trying to sell myself); over 50, extremely fit/attractive for my age, confidence level that can go overboard, quite empathic to human behaviour, comfortable means. Childhood upbringing left a love/affection deficiency (took me years to own up to that) hence prone to white knighting, oneitis and the such. After realizing my state, had a long battle with myself to initially disguise then rid myself of said perspectives.

I am confident in saying that I have done a good job though not completely erasing resurfacing of the symptom. Banged a lot of women in my life but struggled with women I had high attraction to - not necessarily related to their SMV but rather what I deemed attractive. Came close to marriage 3 times, still single, no kids. 2 FWB atm, sex not an issue, still have a couple of buddies for life that are also single and we do our antiques. I can be very impulsive.

Quite red pill aware hence my mistrust towards the fairer sex. I play along but can see most of the manipulations & agendas. Have not ruled LTRs and possibly kids too. Only with the right woman though (quite subjective, I know).

Some background on her; slightly over 40, know her as a peripheral friend for almost 10 years but never saw her in a sexual way. Low self esteem, chaos personified if triggered. 9 months ago she ended a 4-yeat LTR with a prospective husband/father of her kids. She wants a family. Troubled childhood (perhaps an instance of sexual molestation) as well as relationship issues as an adult. In a nutshell, abysmal choices. Upon her break-up did a massive overhaul on herself, gained a point or two on the scale (I noticed her as a prospect at that time).

. Decent banking job, extremely connected, hyper-active socially. Fair amount of orbiters. Definitely enjoys new-found male attention. Definitely led a couple of guys on. Unclear state with a current guy who's professionally posted abroad. They have been (?) together for 4 months but she knows him since early 2000's. See below for more on this.

Why I approached; Met her socially on Feb and again on April. On both occasions she gave a very strong eye contact vibe that reached my core. Why you may ask. I respond to varied bits and ticks, call them little fetishes if you so care. That look of pure desire + apprehension left an impression. Same thing happen during our social meet on April. In addition, she came with some hefty sexual innuendos - quite unlike the girl my buddies and I used to know.

It's July. Her thought lay semi-dormant in the back of my mind. One evening I phoned her (never done that before) and ask her out. She happily agrees. We meet for drinks and within 5 mins I inform her that after tonight we'll either be better friends, I'll **** her or **** her+. Impulsive, remember but boosted by gut instinct. She reciprocates beyond my wildest expectations and for 4 hours we came close to a porn set in a crowded bar. The same thing happened on the next date 5 days later.

On the first date, I was about to tell her to meet me at the bar's WC but something held me back. By night's end. still petting, groping and kissing on our way to our cars I told her that I am not going to **** you tonight and you'll understand later. Also told her to masturbate when she got home thinknig about what I was going to do to her and realise she was going to be mine. Sure enough 2 hours later I receive a text "The answer is yes".

Weirdness starts in the following day. I text her "Had a sweet sleep?" She replies "Sweet but worrisome". I was baffled and waited for further explanations. None came. 3 days went by, finally I texted her whether I am going to ever find out what worrisome means, she replies some womanish to the effect that I am clueless. Anyhow, I never get a straight answer but set up a 2nd date. See above for heat levels but I now press the point and although still coming short, ambiguous and dissembling she mentions the long-distance guy. I swipe that aside by saying that he did not seem to be in your thoughts when I had my fingers up your cooch a few days ago - and as it turned out, a few minutes later as well. She smiled and said nothing.

However, the realisation that something was holding her back made me pull back mentally and although we were porning for another 4 hours she felt I had began thinking about the situation. Please note my character profile at start, I know I could have handled this a million different ways. I thought that I wanted more than a one night shag and felt that by dodging sex on date #1 I somehow reassured her. I fully understand that most of you are smirking reading this and even I have trouble rationalising why I acted this way. On date #2 I still could have easily closed but her ambivalence put me somewhat off - though the sexuality of those 8 hrs is something that I do not find often.

Since the second date I have been the sole initiator. She takes her time replying always does though. Set up a 3rd date, she said she couldn't but asked for a re-schedule. She used a pretext to make our date coincide with all friends attending a visiting friendly couple so there was no 1on1. Gave me a furtive tonguer when we had a moment alone.

She and a couple (confirmed) gay friends had planned a 2 week vacation and she departed for 2 weeks. No texts, no calls. Upon returning, she used FB to trigger my interest (well executed I must say) and then again nothing. I texted, got a curt reply. Silence ensued for 5-6 days. She called me on my BD for wishes but left it late in the evening. Attempted to set up another date, she said yes but prior to hanging up she "remembered" she had that thing to do and proposed the day after. I got annoyed and said provisionally yes but will confirm. Next day I texted the date is off. She texted ok.

Four days later and not being in my comfortable centre, I called her and she told me she was heading to a concert with friends. As a matter of fact, one of my FWBs had arranged as a surpsrise for us two to go to the same venue! I only found out about that a few hours later so I proposed she canceled her date, I cancel mine and let's have a fab time. She declined.

This Sunday I called her, no reply until 4 hours later (through text) "I am out of town on my way back". That was the last I heard of her.

I have not initiated at all since then.

I trust my gut, but even it gives me mixed signals. I am interested because she still is in good credit due to that particular look/invitation back in Feb & April and of course the explosive chemistry over our two dates. I regard her lack of initiation problematic and her latest non-reply as insulting. My self esteem comes first always.

Guess I am here because I have hit that precarious spot whereby I feel I showed in enough ways my interest and if she's still game she has to come forth. On the other hand and considering this is a woman with a background as above, very volatile and low self esteem perhaps I put the wrong message when I did not close on her on the two dates.

Considering my options, I would say A. accept her as a loss B. maintain silence (contact may happen due to common friends) C. contact her, in my regular casual easy going way, playfully insinuate that she needs to improve in the giving department D. forego all negative sentiments and continue courting towards the next date - which should it happen, would be with sheets action.

Thanks for the long read.
 

Snake-eyes

Don Juan
Joined
Sep 9, 2019
Messages
87
Reaction score
66
Age
31
You have a lot of patiences, I give you that.. why are you wasting time on this woman? What so special about her?
 

El Zorro Plateador

New Member
Joined
Sep 9, 2019
Messages
4
Reaction score
4
Age
52
If there's a lesson in here somewhere, I bet it's that she saw you as becoming needy somehow. You're probably one of her plates. Stay the fück out of her frame and move on! Enjoy the memories and make some new ones.
 

Mind Asp

New Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
9
Reaction score
2
Purely that primal triggering look she gave earlier in the year and the two dates. Plus the fact that what happened at that bar over the two dates defies description. I value that experience & feelings it produced.

As I said, it's a subjective thing. I haven't felt such raw power for ages. And it's not for lack of gals that know their way in bed quite well.
 

EyeOnThePrize

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 9, 2019
Messages
1,123
Reaction score
1,827
Age
33
Greetings.

Some background on myself; (I am stating facts not trying to sell myself); over 50, extremely fit/attractive for my age, confidence level that can go overboard, quite empathic to human behaviour, comfortable means. Childhood upbringing left a love/affection deficiency (took me years to own up to that) hence prone to white knighting, oneitis and the such. After realizing my state, had a long battle with myself to initially disguise then rid myself of said perspectives.

I am confident in saying that I have done a good job though not completely erasing resurfacing of the symptom. Banged a lot of women in my life but struggled with women I had high attraction to - not necessarily related to their SMV but rather what I deemed attractive. Came close to marriage 3 times, still single, no kids. 2 FWB atm, sex not an issue, still have a couple of buddies for life that are also single and we do our antiques. I can be very impulsive.

Quite red pill aware hence my mistrust towards the fairer sex. I play along but can see most of the manipulations & agendas. Have not ruled LTRs and possibly kids too. Only with the right woman though (quite subjective, I know).

Some background on her; slightly over 40, know her as a peripheral friend for almost 10 years but never saw her in a sexual way. Low self esteem, chaos personified if triggered. 9 months ago she ended a 4-yeat LTR with a prospective husband/father of her kids. She wants a family. Troubled childhood (perhaps an instance of sexual molestation) as well as relationship issues as an adult. In a nutshell, abysmal choices. Upon her break-up did a massive overhaul on herself, gained a point or two on the scale (I noticed her as a prospect at that time).

. Decent banking job, extremely connected, hyper-active socially. Fair amount of orbiters. Definitely enjoys new-found male attention. Definitely led a couple of guys on. Unclear state with a current guy who's professionally posted abroad. They have been (?) together for 4 months but she knows him since early 2000's. See below for more on this.

Why I approached; Met her socially on Feb and again on April. On both occasions she gave a very strong eye contact vibe that reached my core. Why you may ask. I respond to varied bits and ticks, call them little fetishes if you so care. That look of pure desire + apprehension left an impression. Same thing happen during our social meet on April. In addition, she came with some hefty sexual innuendos - quite unlike the girl my buddies and I used to know.

It's July. Her thought lay semi-dormant in the back of my mind. One evening I phoned her (never done that before) and ask her out. She happily agrees. We meet for drinks and within 5 mins I inform her that after tonight we'll either be better friends, I'll **** her or **** her+. Impulsive, remember but boosted by gut instinct. She reciprocates beyond my wildest expectations and for 4 hours we came close to a porn set in a crowded bar. The same thing happened on the next date 5 days later.

On the first date, I was about to tell her to meet me at the bar's WC but something held me back. By night's end. still petting, groping and kissing on our way to our cars I told her that I am not going to **** you tonight and you'll understand later. Also told her to masturbate when she got home thinknig about what I was going to do to her and realise she was going to be mine. Sure enough 2 hours later I receive a text "The answer is yes".

Weirdness starts in the following day. I text her "Had a sweet sleep?" She replies "Sweet but worrisome". I was baffled and waited for further explanations. None came. 3 days went by, finally I texted her whether I am going to ever find out what worrisome means, she replies some womanish to the effect that I am clueless. Anyhow, I never get a straight answer but set up a 2nd date. See above for heat levels but I now press the point and although still coming short, ambiguous and dissembling she mentions the long-distance guy. I swipe that aside by saying that he did not seem to be in your thoughts when I had my fingers up your cooch a few days ago - and as it turned out, a few minutes later as well. She smiled and said nothing.

However, the realisation that something was holding her back made me pull back mentally and although we were porning for another 4 hours she felt I had began thinking about the situation. Please note my character profile at start, I know I could have handled this a million different ways. I thought that I wanted more than a one night shag and felt that by dodging sex on date #1 I somehow reassured her. I fully understand that most of you are smirking reading this and even I have trouble rationalising why I acted this way. On date #2 I still could have easily closed but her ambivalence put me somewhat off - though the sexuality of those 8 hrs is something that I do not find often.

Since the second date I have been the sole initiator. She takes her time replying always does though. Set up a 3rd date, she said she couldn't but asked for a re-schedule. She used a pretext to make our date coincide with all friends attending a visiting friendly couple so there was no 1on1. Gave me a furtive tonguer when we had a moment alone.

She and a couple (confirmed) gay friends had planned a 2 week vacation and she departed for 2 weeks. No texts, no calls. Upon returning, she used FB to trigger my interest (well executed I must say) and then again nothing. I texted, got a curt reply. Silence ensued for 5-6 days. She called me on my BD for wishes but left it late in the evening. Attempted to set up another date, she said yes but prior to hanging up she "remembered" she had that thing to do and proposed the day after. I got annoyed and said provisionally yes but will confirm. Next day I texted the date is off. She texted ok.

Four days later and not being in my comfortable centre, I called her and she told me she was heading to a concert with friends. As a matter of fact, one of my FWBs had arranged as a surpsrise for us two to go to the same venue! I only found out about that a few hours later so I proposed she canceled her date, I cancel mine and let's have a fab time. She declined.

This Sunday I called her, no reply until 4 hours later (through text) "I am out of town on my way back". That was the last I heard of her.

I have not initiated at all since then.

I trust my gut, but even it gives me mixed signals. I am interested because she still is in good credit due to that particular look/invitation back in Feb & April and of course the explosive chemistry over our two dates. I regard her lack of initiation problematic and her latest non-reply as insulting. My self esteem comes first always.

Guess I am here because I have hit that precarious spot whereby I feel I showed in enough ways my interest and if she's still game she has to come forth. On the other hand and considering this is a woman with a background as above, very volatile and low self esteem perhaps I put the wrong message when I did not close on her on the two dates.

Considering my options, I would say A. accept her as a loss B. maintain silence (contact may happen due to common friends) C. contact her, in my regular casual easy going way, playfully insinuate that she needs to improve in the giving department D. forego all negative sentiments and continue courting towards the next date - which should it happen, would be with sheets action.

Thanks for the long read.
For someone that claims to be confident you don't portray it in your description or your actions. Your description is extremely detailed meaning you've been mulling all this over heavily. Your actions are not contingent on her interest level, you seem to be attempting to convince her to hang out with you which shows desperation and weakness. You seem to reward her lack of interest with more attention. You have some confidence for doing all this but it's misplaced and ultimately coming from a place of fear. You've said 10 things about her that are red flags and barely one that is a positive (hot sex) and she's not even putting out at this point.

Have some self respect and disengage. If she comes back she better be sweet, inviting, and nice, and you shouldn't instantly invite her over. Feel her out, let her work for it a bit. If she doesn't want to put in the work or she doesn't reach out with a sweet positive attitude and fairly prompt responses then you'll have dodged a bullet.

You have 4 currencies in life; money, time, dignity, and peace of mind. Here you're investing heavily with dignity, time, and peace of mind. Why are you willing to invest so much when you're clearly not getting what you want?
 

Mind Asp

New Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
9
Reaction score
2
@EyeOnThePrize I hear you and do not disagree. Hence I am on retraction mode. I will not lift a finger if she does not come proving to me what she alluded to.
 

EyeOnThePrize

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 9, 2019
Messages
1,123
Reaction score
1,827
Age
33
@EyeOnThePrize I hear you and do not disagree. Hence I am on retraction mode. I will not lift a finger if she does not come proving to me what she alluded to.
Not only should you not lift a finger, you should identify any built up resentment and work through it until you're not thinking that she'll eventually reach out. Assume she won't. If you're not ok with that then you resent her. Disengage until you don't care, then she'll have no power over you and you can be a smooth mofo if she ever does reach out. Always be willing to walk.
 

Mind Asp

New Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
9
Reaction score
2
Even at this tender age, it is amazing how unsettling the power that we bestow on women can be. The alarms tend to be muted and vision blurred. A visit to SS can be a needed wake up call.

I am re-gaining my center just by penning it down and reading your replies. How goes it;

“Our sweet illusions are half of them conscious illusions, like effects of colour that we know to be made up of tinsel, broken glass and rags.”
― George Eliot, The Lifted Veil
 

Bokanovsky

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jul 7, 2012
Messages
4,635
Reaction score
4,193
If there's a lesson in here somewhere, I bet it's that she saw you as becoming needy somehow.
The lesson to be learned here is that personal stories written on this forum have to be taken with a grain of salt. Here we have a guy who is extremely attractive and fit (his words), confident, financially secure, has multiple FWB's and yet he's chasing a 40+ year old divorcee with kids (plural!) I've never seen anything like this in real life.
 

Die Hard

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 15, 2009
Messages
1,784
Reaction score
400
She's emotionally broken. Dysfunctional upbringing with emotionally unhealthy development. Just like you had... Two people with that background will always have that RAW and DEEP mesmerizing attraction and connection, which they'll never find with a "normal" person.
Unfortunately though, they can never have a healthy relationship together DESPITE that raw attraction and deep connection. It's a dead end street...don't be like some guy driving his car into that wall, then backing up and driving into it again again and again. The wall will never disappear and your car will just get wrecked more and more.

Turn your car around and drive somewhere else. Forget about her, she's a dead end street. The broken part deep inside of you is driving your actions...don't allow it to!
 

Epic Days

Banned
Joined
May 7, 2019
Messages
1,884
Reaction score
1,650
Age
39
Who said you are paying a price? Who said you lost something?
 

Mind Asp

New Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
9
Reaction score
2
@Bokanovsky I took pains (and your time reading) to frame the context of my situation. I owned up to the fact that there is an inherent weakness in my character. Thankfully it rarely triggers. The woman could have been 18 or 60 relatively speaking, but unbeknownst to herself she hit it. I am sure all of us have a certain penchant/fixation/fetish or two.

As I stated, it was a mere look which conveyed both yearning and fear - in the right amounts to make me sexually very interested. I find @Die Hard 's take on things interesting and carrying a lot of truth.

@Epic Days The choice of syntax reflected my state of mind (flawed) at the moment of composing this thread. It's been 7 days NC now and I am not going to lie and claim total indifference to her existence but it is fading rather quickly.

In fact, she has done nothing to validate herself to me. This realisation alone is enough.
 

Spaz

Banned
Joined
Jan 14, 2018
Messages
8,441
Reaction score
6,932
Go read up the passive personality thread.

That's you.
 

Mind Asp

New Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
9
Reaction score
2
Quoting you Spaz:



"What makes you think that I'm attacking you ?

Or is it within ur personality to take every single comment as a personal attack thereby letting emotions to rule your thoughts?

Yes, u r an expressive. A naturally passive man.

All passives as with the intellectuals uses their egoism to fuel their excellence within their quadrants, but whilst it pushes them into excellence it's also their achilles heel.

Because obsession is born from egotism.

You feel under attack because ur ego is hurt but it's a perception fuelled purely by egoism.

The opposite is true for a dominant, his excellence is fuelled by determination.

Which is why for many naturally dominant man, mere words are just words, it's not a problem as they would easily dismiss it.

Learn to control that emotionalism and your thoughts will not be so chaotic."



Interesting tangent, I was tempted to be dismissive at face value but upon absorbing its bar code it holds true. To an extent.

I already admitted to a soft spot that surfaces if certain quite specific conditions are met. The woman's perceived value hardly comes into the picture. I can find alluring aspects in a 6er and be nonchalant towards a veritable hottie. The incident I narrated here above is a rare phenomenon, been at least a decade since I last experienced something akin to it. Hence the wavering.

I do not want to get embroiled into definitions of what constitutes ego, pride and arrogance (even hubris come to that). Let's for argument's sake accept that my pride and self-esteem shield me from rough patches (apparently, not always). Even when my emotionalism - as you put it - seeps through (especially for the untested/unworthy individual), I will bulwark up and stamp it out.

An unfortunate side effect, one that @EyeOnThePrize correctly identified as a possibility is the emergence of resentment. Held true in the past, nowadays I resolve it through detachment. Keeping in mind that I am the prize turns the tables astoundingly fast.

Thanks for the insight though, we live to learn.
 

Mind Asp

New Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
9
Reaction score
2
Let's start by saying that I find it mildly offensive for people to arrive at conclusions based on their bias. And let's use bullet points to highlight your abundant fallacies.

A. "If she's in her early 40s and wants a baby " - she wanted kids with her ex. Never said she had such plans in limbo.

B. I am not beyond seducing married/taken women but within self-defined limits. If she brings him up and as I stated, at the same time I have three digits swimming in her hooha the point is moot. She also acquiesced the argument.

C. As far as your 2nd paragraph is concerned, brevity is optimal. She is a female and she gets off as such. In the same vein, as a male I enjoy providing such thrills.

D. I did not chase, I pursued (albeit too strongly) due to high attraction on my part. Ergo the loss of my fulcrum - the faux pas that I admitted to upon starting this thread as a direct result.

E. Where did I state that I only wanted to shag her? With this woman (damaged or otherwise) I felt something strong and rare. Ceteris paribus, I could be shagging her all the way to eternity. Physicality aside, if in the course of time I witnessed promising signs for a relationship I would definitely consider it.

F. Her LD is dead & buried. He caused her massive hungups on and off, she knows him for 13 years it would have worked if it was meant to be - her being a woman ofc who can tell for sure.. I shall repeat what I wrote a couple of lines up; she came like a hurricane, in effect she opened me up. I took the lead afterwards but make no mistake, there was no LD guy in her mind when we met (twice to be certain).

Noticed you describe yourself as male. No disrespect intended but I could have sworn you were not.
 

AMDG

Don Juan
Joined
Dec 14, 2009
Messages
156
Reaction score
3
Nothing unusual here. There is a window of opportunity for casual sex, and most woman seek attention and are easily bored. Why are you focusing on that woman if you are as confident as you say ?
 

Mind Asp

New Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
9
Reaction score
2
@AMDG Beg to differ, the intro was the sparkle. On how it played out, in agreement.
 

AMDG

Don Juan
Joined
Dec 14, 2009
Messages
156
Reaction score
3
I've had a situation long time ago with lots of sparkle and out of the blue no contact literally overnight. Ironically contact was restored a few years later - I only asked her if she wants back her stuff left at my place, the answer was no. I thanked her for the god times and put her on ignore. You may do the same.
 
Top