Did I leave my GF for another woman?

[thedarkpassenger]

I recently ended a 4 year relationship with my GF. It wasn't any specific event that broke us up. Rather, we just drifted apart over the last year or so. We haven't even had sex is over a year, held hands, and barely kissed. Any ways, we mutually decided to end the relationship 2 weeks ago. However, she wanted to give it another try, but I did not. I explained that I don't have the feelings I used to have, and nothing inside me wants to try again.

Well, about 2 weeks after we broke up, I happened to meet another girl.

My ex found out when she asked me, and I told her I had feelings for her. My ex-gf is furious. She's claiming that I left her for another woman, and if that other woman was not in my life, I would still having feelings for her. I don't have any feelings left for my ex at all and haven't for almost a year. In fact, I even went to meet my ex's parents to tell them in person we were not seeing each other, to let me intentions known.

I want to stay friends on some level with my ex, but she's so angry about this new girl, that she can't get over it. She says she is the victim and she feels like she was cheated on, comparing me to other guys she knows who actually did cheat on their girlfriends...but, I didn't cheat on her. I couldn't help meeting this new girl and having feelings 2 weeks after our break up. Bad timing? Yeah definitely. But what should I do?

What should I do? Any advice? I really like this new girl and refuse to stop seeing her because of some crazy accusations from my ex. I understand she may be hurt but I can't help how I feel. At the same time, I want to remain friends or at least civil with my ex. What should I do?

 

[Interceptor]

What you should do is stop worrying about how you EX is taking it.
You can only do the best you can in explaining what REALLY happened. Clarify what she doesnt understand, but make peace that right now...she DOESNT want to 'understand', or see it your way.

If she has decided it is one way, when it really ISNT, that isnt your responsibility anymore.
If youre being totally honest in your post, and thats how it really went down, then your ex doesnt really have any true reason to back up her argument, and back up WHY she should be feeling that way.
Its perfectly within the 'rules' to be with someone after youve ended a previous relationship.

I do believe that it has something to do with her trying to kill any feelings she has/had for you to make her breakup with you easier.
By making you the 'bad guy', even if she is obviously making it all up in her own mind, she can have more strength and conviction in 'leaving' you behind, and moving forward emotionally. It is a pretty common mechanism, but its not really helping anyone, nor helping her grow emotionally, and mature. She cant handle that you have moved on, and found someone youre attracted to. Her ego cant take that hit.

Its too bad things went bad, and with this it really makes the whole situation even more disagreeable.
But I dont think you can 'convince' her anymore than she wants to or wants to let herself be convinced. If shes more interested in making you out to be the bad guy and filling her heart with more hurt and blame, that is her choice.
Youre not responsible for that.
I dont think she is interested in being 'friends' with you. And Im not sure what you are thinking when you say you want to remain 'friends' with her.
Be very careful to define your boundaries here and not do anything improper.
Good luck.

 

[base2ball2boy2]

Hmmm... Interesting...

My first thought is that she still has feelings for you, and is trying to get you back.

So after you two "mutually" broke up (you'll see why I used quotes in a second), she went on her daily life without you. And what it seems like to me, she felt lonely. You two went out for four years (which is nothing to sneeze at), so she grew naturally accustomed to the fact that she can say "I have a boyfriend." Whether it be to another guy trying to pick her up, or just normal conversation, she grew used to that fact. So now a "mutual" breakup doesn't seem so "mutual" anymore.

So you did break it off. You haven't really had any intimate contact for a while now, so the break up seemed like a good idea to me (and probably you). And she agreed with you. At the time, it probably felt like a good idea. Nothing's been going on between you, it makes sense.

But as she went back to her daily life, she couldn't use that one phrase she had been accustomed to saying. You guessed it... "I have a boyfriend." She no longer had an excuse for turning down the greasy haired guys at the bars, with snot running down the front of their pocket protectors. So what's a way to remedy this solution? Get another boyfriend. And your face was the first one to pop into her mind. Congrats on doing that.

So she comes crawling back. (It's not like we haven't seen that before.) But you did the right thing, staying by your gut, and ending a boring relationship. You've solved a problem, she's got a new one.

So life goes on. You finally notice that hot blondie that's been giving you the eye at your local supermarket (we'll just say that's what happened). And being a DJ, you approached her immediately, and hit it off fantastically.

But somehow, your ex found out. Maybe she had a friend in the aisle over, and she noticed you flirting with that new HB. So, of course, she goes running to tell her friend.

"Oh mah gawd. You never guess who I just, like, saw." (or something similar)

So now your ex feels that you have moved on too soon, and the fact that you're doing so well, so soon after the break up, only makes her want you more.

So she lays a guilt trap for you. She's in essence trying to make you feel bad for "cheating" on her, trying to reel you back into her arms. For she thinks that if she can make you feel really bad, you might just come crawling back to her.

Now to the advice part. What do you do? Nothing. You continue on with your normal life, and feel free to pursue the HB you saw in the supermarket. If she does keep calling you, trying to reason with you, whatever, you say this:

"Babe. Quiet. Listen. I'm only going to say this once, so you better listen, or tough luck. We broke up 2 weeks ago, on (whenever it was). I met this HB on (whenever it was), AFTER [really emphasize that after]] we broke up. I didn't cheat on you, despite what you think. If you've got a problem with that, then suck it up. We can be civilized human beings, and move on from this issue."

Etc, etc, etc.

But DON'T feel bad. She wants you to feel bad for her, and come running back. There are TONS of other women out there, and if it doesn't work out with one, then who gives a flying f8ck.

Over and out, and go get some of that new HB 8ss.