desperate measures. Alcholicism

[sexy_kuta]

I need your guys help badly. I am dead end in my own tracks and I have nothing else to offer. My dad drinks way too much.

some background info: he used to smoke alot, until he got a heart attack and a bypass surgery, then he quit smoking, but he always have drank and chewed tabacco, I tried every possible thing that came to my mind. i talked to him, i tried getting him to do exercise maybe that would influence his health. i even fought him(argued) to a point where we were swearing to each other, hes close to his 60s so id never hit him. but he was abusive to my mom 10 years ago until my older brother gave him a black eye, since then he never laid a hand on anything. and now my brothers moved out, i took their spot. im the 'bigger' person in the family. so after end his shift, he comes home drunk 4 in the morning, swearing etc. hes the aggressive drunk type. angered very easily. Last night i guess he couldnt open the second door, didnt have access to a key so he was phoning the house and slammin the door, me and my mother opend the door and he kept swearing for 3 min. i finally snaped cuz i wanted to sleep and i had a exam 8 am 4 hours later. so i told him to stfu and go to bed. finally our conversation led into a arugment again, we started swearing to each other, "no fuk you!" "you drunk bastard" etc..

and hes soo uneducated, he would counter my statements "no you're drunk," "no you drink everyday" so i tried 'scaring' him. i grabbed his colar and kinda said in a yelling voice forced into a wishper "you ever ****ing come home drunk again i swear you wont ever ****ing find me or mom again, you ****ing remember this"

that didnt work either as he wasnt 100percent sober.
so i dont know what to do, this has been going on and on.

its a known problem through out his family, a few of his brothers are dead, one death was cuz to Alcoholism. his two other brothers drink like water.

I just wanna be here for my parents and wanna look after them, thats all, but i dont know how to approach this.

then

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

This is never a good situation to be in. Id move out of the house and live with somebody you know. But, then; I wouldn't wanna leave my mom in a situation like that. Maybe he needs a intervention/rehab.

 

[sexy_kuta]

i've even gave him the silence treatment didnt speak with for a month, when he tried i ignored him. i and im not gonna leave them cuz hes not smart. my mom took enough **** and she has huge amount of baggage, im talkin about huge cuz of him...

so im not gonna leave my parents.

 

[sexy_kuta]

anyone?

 

[3countriesPlan]

wow dude my dad was a horrible drunk till he finally was able to get himself together after about 40 years of alcholism. I never swore at him or put a hand on him...

You can tell an alcoholic about what he can do to better himself but the disease is quite strong. They will never change until the day they REALLY decide they have to stop. Some never will have that day.. and drink themselves to death.

Just move out once you can. Inform your mother that she has that choice as well. Forgive your dad and try to at least have some sort of good father son relationship with him.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Hey, my dad's an alcoholic, too; join the club.

so im not gonna leave my parents.

Maybe not this year, when you are only 17, but next year or soon thereafter, leaving home is normal and expected. Work on your academics, and you can get a scholarship that will take you away from your parents. That's what I did.

 

[sexy_kuta]

i dont wanna move out, and leave em, they got nothign else in the world expect me, and its true, soo true that my moms soo clingy about me.

im just soo pissed off at my dad, it seems so well that he doesnt give a **** aobut NO one, not even himself, if he did he wouldnt put himself in that position,
he had a heart attack already, he was a smoker for a good 30 years,
he had a by pass surgery,
he has high blood pressure, also diabetes. ****, its like hes a dead man walking.
his diet is poor, i bought him multi vitmins so he could feel beter because i know his diet is crap.

i know hes a emotional guy, very, so i only thing i see is i gotta meet him on a level where i can connect with him emotionally. perhaps give him the gult trip. some how. cuz im close to him, i grew up around him, helping him fix his car etc.. working outside together cleanin the snow, unlike my other brothers who didnt seem to care much about my parents,im the closest to them.

 

[penkitten]

your father has an addiction that you can not fix.
your mother can not fix it either.
if he wants to fix his addiction, he will have to admit that he has a problem and find a place to detox and get treatment, which is expensive.
he needs to get to the root of the problem.
why does he drink?
is it to mask the nasty world around him and make it tolerable?
is it to self medicate himself from his health problems and whatever else ails him?
does he have low self esteem?
does he not have jesus in his heart?

you can not stay home forever, you will be a man one day and leave home.
you can not take care of them forever.
if your mother no longer wants to stay with an alcoholic , she can leave.
however his issues will never leave him until he changes himself.

maybe he will never change like my daddy didn't.
he was a great guy, just had a monkey on his back for vodka like you wouldn't believe. he would get so drunk and just cry because he never wanted to be an alcoholic, but never could shake that vice. it kept him warm and fuzzy on cold nights when he was all alone without us (mom divorced) and sometimes it helped him pass out so that those flash backs wouldn't dance in his head all night (vietnam).

 

[DJVladdy]

Hi penkitten,
that's really awful, can't imagine what it was like for him as well as you when you were a little girl. I'm sorry to hear about that, sweety.

To the OP,
bro I agree with the guy who said just move out. Period. But of course keep in touch with your mom as much as possible. i would choose a college not far from home, but move out nonetheless.
Also I definitely admire your patience and determination. This really takes a lot, I would not be able to deal with a father like that. Probably would have killed him with my bare hands for being that way, no joke.

 

[sexy_kuta]

hes two face to me,
when hes sober, hes nice very nice, the ppl who know him can say alot such as hes a very nice guy, hes that type of guy who would bring coffee and donuts to everyone at walmart, cuz they changed his oil, he always gives extra, tips all the time. hes always there for me, thats one of the reasons i dont wanna just 'give' up on him.

then when he is drunk ,he is a total different person. DUMB, uneducated. cant speak proberly, poorly coordinated. very angry,

if he can quit smoking cuz of a heart attack, he can quit drinking cuz of me. i dont wanna just give up or move out. what I believe on why he drinks is because he lived a poor life, his whole family was poor, he came to canada with nothing. he got his ass kicked all the time. working factory jobs most of his life. only went to school up to grade 10. he suffered alot which in doubt, is the reason he drinks. he drinks at night, then passes out.
hes that type who drinks to pass out at night, rather drinking to enjoy the moment.

i dont wanna be that guy whos 30 years old mouring about dead dad, and says to himself "man i wish i could have done more when i was younger"

 

[penkitten]

.
hes that type who drinks to pass out at night, rather drinking to enjoy the moment.

i dont wanna be that guy whos 30 years old mouring about dead dad, and says to himself "man i wish i could have done more when i was younger"

then perhaps you should catch him early in the evening like at dinner and say "how about the two of us shoot some hoops tonight , just you and me? mono e mono"

keep him busy and get his ass tired he won't need the booze.

 

[sexy_kuta]

then perhaps you should catch him early in the evening like at dinner and say "how about the two of us shoot some hoops tonight , just you and me? mono e mono"

keep him busy and get his ass tired he won't need the booze.

hes almost 60, he drives a cab, thats all he does,
comes home, at between 2-4 am at night, drinks, go to bed. wakes up. shower eat. goes to work, then repeat.
on his day offs, he will drink in the evenings. and hes out of shape. i try to remind him to walk on the treadmill

 

[The Forms]

My older brother is a mean drunk too. I lived with him for a few months last year, and it was just too much. So I moved in with my sister, who is an alcoholic (but not nearly as bad as my brother). It made me miserable all the time. I worked as much as I could, and then started dating a girl i didn't like that much just to get away from the house at night. When I finally did come home I would lock myself in my bedroom, and not come out until it was time to get ready for work the next day.

He's not going to change until he decides he wants to (if that time EVER comes). He will not because you want him to. I know it sucks, but this is one of those things that is out of your control. The best thing for you to do is to move out of the house as soon as possible. You will be so much happier when you don't have to walk around on eggshells and dread having to be home. I'm so much happier now that I don't have to dread being at my own house.

I understand you don't want to leave them, but for your own happiness it's the only way. It doesn't seem like he wants to change anytime soon, so you're just going to waste time waiting for him to come around. He hasn't hit rock bottom yet, and being that he's nearly 60, maybe he never will. Either way, that's not your problem to do deal with.

All staying at home is going to do is make you edgy and miserable.

 

[sexy_kuta]

well im never home. im either at the gym mon-friday,
or working. or out with friends, in the summer im cruzin everyday in my lowrider.
so its not buggin me that much i we never been a whole family ever, like eatin together at the dinner table etc.. we were never about that.
so its not effecting me as much, i go out and come home when i want doesnt matter the time. my mom is clingy but i got control over her.
but i dont like seeing my parents struggle like that. it hurts me too. and my dad embarrasses me. imma talk to him after weeks, give him the guilt trip when i do. Im capable of speaking words with such depth. I can make him feel like ****. maybe that will get him thinking in his own actions which could get him to see the other picture.
i understand only him can change himself but i can influence that change. i know i can.

 

[Desdinova]

My dad was a piss tank for years as well. He quit after he smashed up his car, the cops tossed him in the drunk tank, he quit his job, and had a nervous breakdown. Then he went to AA meetings.

i dont wanna move out, and leave em, they got nothign else in the world expect me, and its true, soo true that my moms soo clingy about me.

My dad was clingy about me too. There will come a point where you'll have to force them to break that clingyness. I had to do it, I'm glad I did it, but it was no picnic.

There's a book you should pick up that helped me a whole lot. It's called "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward. It touches on people who grew up with physical abuse, sexual abuse, and alcoholic parents. It helps you deal with the 5hit that they put you through.

 

[sexy_kuta]

thanks Desdinova, imma look into that book

but the thing is, im too confident to suffer from some sort of abuse, only thing that effects me is im ambarssed at parties because he is too drunk and starting ****, other than that. im fine. i sleep well, eat well, and i sh1t well too!

im just worried, down the road. thats all. I Hate to be university and missing him at the same time because thats alot. i my heart on my sleeve so i know it will hit me real hard. he already had a heart attack, i was in grade 3. i asked my older brother if he was going to be alive.. he told me confidently that he will.
now that i am older, i'm smarter, My dads brother died at age 21 cuz he had a drinking problem.

im going to give him the guilt trip and let him have it on his mind. hes an emotional guy, i know he will feel it. hopefully that will influence him. Id love to help him to get back on his health. I'll even personally make his lunch and make sure hes eating fine.

 

[joekerr31]

ok first things first.

the FIRST thing you have to do is get a rational perspective on what is going on (since its easy to be emotional over all this).

here is what is going on rationally

- your dads an alcoholic (dependent on booze)
- your mom can't rely on him so she relies on you (dependent on you)
- you rely on both of them for room and board (depend on your parents)

so you've got a nice little dysfunctional group-dependency going on there. your dad can't change his behavior because the booze controls him. your mom can't change her behavior because she's dependent on you. you can't change the relationship you have with either of them because you can't rock the boat too much and risk getting thrown out.

so basically everyone is f*cked. your dad won't change, so your mom won't change, so you can't change - co-dependence run amock.

but here is what you need to know - YOU are being abused. you are being abused because you are forced to live in this toxic dysfunctional environment that your parents have created. you have to sit there and watch your dad kill himself slowly and watch your mom unable to take care of her own life.
and its ONLY because your parents are so f*cked up that you've taken on the role of parent / protector - that's emotional abuse.

and the ONLY reason they can get away with it is because you have to keep a roof over your head.

so what do you do?

my advice. theres no point talking / threatening your dad. that won't do anything.

i think you have three options here...

1) write your mom and dad a letter. trust me, people react less defensively to letters. tell them how their behavior impacts your life. and tell them that you would like for them to get help (ONLY do this if you are confident that you won't get kicked out of hte house).

being able to tell them how you feel is important. because since you are the last one there (ie. your brothers have moved on) you could easily find yourself feeling VERY guilty when you leave one day. but if you table the issues now, then you will be able to leave and know that they had a chance to change their lives when you were there.

2) if you can't write the letter, then you need to talk to someone. go talk to your school councillor. you need a sane adult who can help you make the important decisions you will have to make in the next few years.

you also need someone who can help you work through the guilt you feel as a result of your mothers over dependence on you.

you love your parents and they are basically destroying themselves and they are taking you down with the sinking ship. you need to get someone in your corner who will help keep you focused on NOT going down with that ship also. because it will happen.

anyway, this is a very complicated situation that isn't going to be solved on sosuave.

talk to a school councillor, or if you go to church your pastor, or see what other community resources are available.

but the last thing you should do is not deal with what you are going through, becuase it is emotionally abusive.

all you have to do is look at your brothers. i know nothing about them, but i'm willing to bet they aren't the happiest guys in the world (who would be growing up in that).

 

[sexy_kuta]

ok first things first.

the FIRST thing you have to do is get a rational perspective on what is going on (since its easy to be emotional over all this).

here is what is going on rationally

- your dads an alcoholic (dependent on booze)
- your mom can't rely on him so she relies on you (dependent on you)
- you rely on both of them for room and board (depend on your parents)

so you've got a nice little dysfunctional group-dependency going on there. your dad can't change his behavior because the booze controls him. your mom can't change her behavior because she's dependent on you. you can't change the relationship you have with either of them because you can't rock the boat too much and risk getting thrown out.

so basically everyone is f*cked. your dad won't change, so your mom won't change, so you can't change - co-dependence run amock.

but here is what you need to know - YOU are being abused. you are being abused because you are forced to live in this toxic dysfunctional environment that your parents have created. you have to sit there and watch your dad kill himself slowly and watch your mom unable to take care of her own life.
and its ONLY because your parents are so f*cked up that you've taken on the role of parent / protector - that's emotional abuse.

and the ONLY reason they can get away with it is because you have to keep a roof over your head.

so what do you do?

my advice. theres no point talking / threatening your dad. that won't do anything.

i think you have three options here...

1) write your mom and dad a letter. trust me, people react less defensively to letters. tell them how their behavior impacts your life. and tell them that you would like for them to get help (ONLY do this if you are confident that you won't get kicked out of hte house).

being able to tell them how you feel is important. because since you are the last one there (ie. your brothers have moved on) you could easily find yourself feeling VERY guilty when you leave one day. but if you table the issues now, then you will be able to leave and know that they had a chance to change their lives when you were there.

2) if you can't write the letter, then you need to talk to someone. go talk to your school councillor. you need a sane adult who can help you make the important decisions you will have to make in the next few years.

you also need someone who can help you work through the guilt you feel as a result of your mothers over dependence on you.

you love your parents and they are basically destroying themselves and they are taking you down with the sinking ship. you need to get someone in your corner who will help keep you focused on NOT going down with that ship also. because it will happen.

anyway, this is a very complicated situation that isn't going to be solved on sosuave.

talk to a school councillor, or if you go to church your pastor, or see what other community resources are available.

but the last thing you should do is not deal with what you are going through, becuase it is emotionally abusive.

all you have to do is look at your brothers. i know nothing about them, but i'm willing to bet they aren't the happiest guys in the world (who would be growing up in that).

wow dude.. wow
im giving you a rep
some how i related to every word you've said.
I've been abused all my life, my mom kicked my ass, took her baggage on me, she hit me, the way my dad hit her.
it also taught me discipline. for some reason, i believe it made me the man i a man today. i've been abused so much that, right now, it doesnt bug me because i am USED to it. i just leave the house anytime i want cuz im used to leaving. i've seen alot in my house. one of my brothers an alcholic cuz he hates my mom for the **** she put him through as a child. he hates her guts and drinks away. Everything bad happens. he blames my mother. and the reason she did it cuz of the baggage my dad gave her so its a cycle, my oldest brother, hes suceeding. he has a simliar mindset as me. hes married in a nice house, just had his first kid. he moved to toronto, living it up. he cant stand my mom sometimes but he keeps in touch but also a certain distance.

im in such a delima that i dont know whenever to move on and accept the fact of reality, or to continue to sink down slowly.

 

[Desdinova]

but the thing is, im too confident to suffer from some sort of abuse, only thing that effects me is im ambarssed at parties because he is too drunk and starting ****

The book addresses this issue - that of being embarassed by your parents. Also, you're likely suffering in other ways. I didn't know how screwed up I was until I started looking at the roots and causes of some of my problems, and most of them stem from my childhood. Most of it was from physical abuse. When I started having certain "episodes", I knew there was somthing wrong with me, but I didn't know what. Eventually, I discovered that my problem was PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from being beaten too many times. It gets triggered when someone in my vicinity raises their arm too quickly or angrily talks through their teeth. When that happens, I feel the sudden impulse to duck and hide. It's not as bad now that I realize the root of the problem and am working to combat it.

The issues you're going to have may be different from mine. But trust me, you will have them and you may not even realize it. Joekerr hit the nail on the head with his post.

Again, I urge you to get the book I mentioned.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

KUTA, try to keep this in the back of your head at all times while dealing with any alcoholic - alcoholism is a disease. That might sound conveniently appologetic, but it is a physical dependency, his body is as dependent upon alcohol as an IV drug user. The biggest misunderstanding that 'sober' people have about alcoholics is that it's some kind of moral deficiency or a charcter flaw and this makes them react to a drunks behavior with a like intensity to the drunk. This then causes a cycle of disgust on the part of the sober person and prompts the drunk to drink again.

The process of filtering alcohol from an alcoholics bloodstream differs genetically from a non-alcoholic. This is why you see certain racial propensities for alcoholism. For example, American Indians never had the benefit of evolving a proficient way of ridding their systems of alcohol efficiently so you see a higher incidence of alcoholism amongst that ethnic group in comparison to say, people of Irish or Italian descent who've been brewing and fermenting beer and wine for centuries. Also bear in mind that concentration of alcohol plays a part too. While Londoners in the 1700's were accustomed to beer and wine, the introduction of high concentration spirits like Gin made overnight alcoholics.

Read the book "Under the Influence" and you'll have a new understanding of what you and your Dad are really dealing with. I'm not trying to excuse your father for his drinking here, but at your stage it's not about assigning fault. You need to break his cycle. Alcoholics can and do get sober every day. First he needs to detox. Which means, unless you can afford sending him to a clinic, you'll have to make sure he doesn't drink for a few weeks. He'll hide his booze, he'll lie about it, he'll find every way he can to excuse it when he goes back to it, but understand his body literally needs alcohol in it. Alcoholics become hyper glycemic, meaning they need the higher amounts of glucose that only the mega-doses of alcohol they've aclimated themselves to will satisfy. This is where the craving comes in - and weight gain if he replaces sweets for the alcohol.