Demonstrate value to GF

[GirlCrazy]

Agreed bp. But I do want to spend more time with her. I'm wondering if there's a way to say that w/o sounding AFC. Maybe it's an ok thing to say. Comments?

There's no way you're gonna pull that off without sounding needy / clingy. Make yourself less available, or her IL is gonna keep declining. Let her earn your attention. It's the currency that you use to reward her for keeping a high IL. Just don't "give away the farm".

 

[bp1974]

Bump - How'd it go?

bp1974

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Good timing - I was just searching for this in the back pages.

Strange happenings. I'm much calmer now than I was before, but I was very pissed off.

We met & things were great. Think I proved myself very well with her friends, had a good time. Drink was flowing heavily - it was one of her friends 30th.

She had an awful lot to drink (the bar refused her after a while). She then told me that earlier on that day she had decided to dump me! (I read those waning IL signs correctly). I was pretty surprised and pissed off, because her reason was that it was getting too serious.

This surprised me hugely because I thought she was pissed off that I wasn't serious enough. That came right outta left field.

Fill in the details yourself:

- me furious (that she decided this w/o talking to me - because I'm well able to go less serious. Not sure if I believe this is the real reason)

- me sitting in cab outside pub and her begging me to stay

- me realising that it would be advantageous to my weekend social plans if I stayed on her side of the city.

So I semi-capitulated and stayed over - she collapsed on the sofa, I let her sleep there. Left at 9am next day, she hadn't surfaced.

Was away/busy for wkend but got 1 text msg from her - she obv didn't remember what she'd said, I replied as if all was normal (didn't want to start ****).

Mailed me this morning saying "v. drunk fri night - don't remember much ... feeble, I know". Wants to know what I'm doing tonight/tomorrow.

So said was busy tonight, dunno tomorrow.

Was asked by friend if I consider it over or not - said it's like Schrodingers Box - I haven't checked to see if the cat is alive or not yet.

Am protecting myself - like the girl a lot and that hurt me quite a bit Fri night.

Plan is not to talk to her much for a few days then have a serious chat when she's done finished her exam on Thursday (don't want to fsck up her exam).

Such is life.

 

[bp1974]

Damn, sorry to hear that. Gut instinct never fails..

I guess there's a couple of things that may be going on for her:

1. She runs from anything that feels 'serious' - which is why, at 33, she's still very single. Nothing you can really do about that.

2. She, like most 30's women, is all about the LTR. But she's done the maths and knows that the chances of you and her making the longhaul before her tubes dry up are pretty slim. So, she's pre-empting before she gets too involved. Sorry if that sounds crass. Again, not much you can do.

3. You came on too strong for her.

She may not remember what she said when drunk but it was still the truth. You've every right to be p*ssed off that she hadn't spoken to you about it before 'deciding' to dump you.

I was about to type that talking seriously to her would be the best way to go, but I've changed my mind totally. Again, the thing you most want to do is your worst way to go if you want to salvage it or even to move on without feeling dumped. She didn't want to talk to you about what she was feeling so chances are that even if you sit her down she still won't tell you the truth.

I say ignore her and avoid her. Vanish completely. Let her do her exams in peace, and stay the f*ck away from her for at least ten days. Give her a chance to miss you. Same advice I gave you last week, only more so now you know for sure what's going on for her. It's completely the opposite of what I've done in the past and of what my natural instinct would be to tell you, so it's worth a shot, as the opposite never worked. Don't give her a chance to dump you properly - why should you? She already let slip what she'd decided, so why act all nice to her now? Won't solve anything and won't help you.

Do the hard thing - stay away from her, brush off her messages. It's time to get her chasing you, even if it's just because she wants to be the one to have the final word. Don't give her the satisfaction. Ganji time.

bp1974

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Thinking about your advice.

I will not be rude or ungentlemanly, whatever the circumstances. I must at least acknowledge her messages. Maybe telling her that I'm going to give her space until after her exam is something that will work.

I immediately realised on Fri night that what she said was true, regardless (or perhaps especially because) of her state of mind). That's why I was so pissed off

Right now, I'm not sure whether I consider her my gf or not. I told the guys on Sat morning that I had been dumped, and felt that way. I'm not getting my hopes up, or putting up with being treated like a floor mat (she was bad on Fri).

You seen Teachers? You know the episode where the black female teacher gets wasted and tells her boring BF that she hates his routines and wants to split up? The next day he waves it all off with "I understand, you were drunk, lets forget about it". She then tells him that she still feels that way and he can't understand.

I don't want to be the boring BF of this story

 

[bp1974]

Maybe telling her that I'm going to give her space until after her exam is something that will work.

You talk about giving her space to decide what she wants, but I'd like to see you reframe it so that you're more in charge of what's right for you, rather than reacting to her. What about what you want? How about taking space because it's the right thing for you?
Maybe I misread but it sounds like you're thinking of using her exams as the reason for giving her space. That's not true is it. If you want to go the honest, grownup route, then something like "What you said on Friday has given me a lot to think about and you have exams to consider right now. I'm going to take some space from you so I can decide what it is that I want, and you can get on with your exams. I'll be in touch soon."

I will not be rude or ungentlemanly, whatever the circumstances. I must at least acknowledge her messages

I struggle with this, which is why doing ganji games or whatever is so unnatural. What I'm slowly learning through experience is that most of these behaviours that I would have considered rude, most women don't see that way. If they know that they've been treating you badly or have done something they shouldn't, more often than not they'll like you being offhand with them for a while. Women have a high tolerance for behaviour that we men would not accept from each other. Maybe it's a difference in how women relate to each other. They seem to have no problem being very b*tchy, catty and downright cold to each other when they're p*ssed off about something - it's us men that don't seem happy to do it to them when they put us on the spot. Showing someone you're p*ssed off with them by your actions rather than just telling them isn't necessarily rude, but if it's not something you're used to doing then it will take a shift in perspective to go through with it. You say you don't want to be a doormat, and sure you don't want to be a jerk either, but being offhand with a girl who flatout told you she was thinking of dumping you is not rude in my book.

bp1974

 

[Oscar Wilde]

bp, I like the way you're thinking. I may use your line verbatim, thanks

I agree with you regarding their view on this behaviour - once again I'm thinking like a man would about one of his mates dissing him ("look at this b!tch - he's not even replying to my messages").

Important factor - the exam is Thurs afternoon, which is hardly a huge amount of time. Not that big a deal, have gone longer not seeing her. Do I need to set myself a false timeline so that I don't see her until the weekend or something? I'm also bearing in mind that she'll be out on the p!ss on Thursday night.

As regards what I want - well, I like this girl quite a bit. Enough to want to stay going out with her. But not enough that it'll eat me up inside for 2 months like the last break up did. I'm happy going out with her, and I'd like to do more action dates, but she's been busy the last 2 weeks so we haven't done so.

I'm not looking for a very serious relationship, and I like my free time (I have an active social life, busy 6 nights a week normally). It's nice to have a gf though

So maybe I do need some time to see what I wanna do. Gonna meet up with my wingman from previous FR threads - have a pint and a chat.

bp, however it turns out, I owe you a pint sometime.

Oscar.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

I'm going to say:

What you said on Friday has given me a lot to think about and you have this exam soon, I'm going to take some space from you so I can decide what I want. It's important that you have a clear head so you can get on with your exam. I'd like to meet up after, ok?

I think it's a good mix of reasonable, friendly and assertive. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Bear in mind, she can't remember exactly what she said

 

[bp1974]

If she asks what she said, then I guess just tell her - "You said you'd decided to end what we have."

If she protests that she was drunk then something like "I know you'd had a lot to drink, but there was a real grain of truth in what you said, and I'm not sure what I want to do for me. We need a break so we can both see things more clearly and so that you don't have any distractions for your exams. I'll speak to you soon."

Eh, I don't want to put words in your mouth, just trying to think of different things she might come up with that might throw you when you're talking to her.

I'm not sure about the false timeline - again I'd say, create the timeline that feels right to you. Would seeing her Thursday night be good for you (leaving aside what you WANT to do), or would you rather take a whole week from her? You decide, then make it happen.

It's nice to have a gf though

Yeah, that's the trouble. You need to get a few more possibilities in your life - go out and talk to a few new girls, remind yourself that this one isn't the ONLY prospect out there.


A pint always sounds good

bp1974

 

[myfriendblu]

Go on other dates. meet other people. You should ALWAYS have some other girls on the backburner. Most girls have guys there.

its not like your cheating and having sex with other people. You can still at least go pull a few numbers and see what you find. Maybe something better

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Ok, I went and mailed her something very similar to what bp said there.

A couple of things need answering:

"It's nice to have a gf though"

Means I don't like the lead-time of finding, meeting, dating a new girl. I don't mean that I'm desperate to keep this girl so that I'm not single.

"go out and talk to a few new girls, remind yourself that this one isn't the ONLY prospect out there"

Yeah, good advice. I have been talking to girls here and there but maybe I need to make a more concerted effort.

myfriendblu, I will not date other women this week, or until it's over, one way or the other. Dating is just not done in the same way in this culture, this doesn't mean I'm not flirting with women

Thanks for all your help guys. I'll update this when more happens.

Oscar.