loving
Senior Don Juan
I'd like to tell you a bit about myself and my struggle. Let me start by saying I don't know what parts of my past influence how I act today, but I know two things about that after years of introspection; I may never find out, and looking for it hasn't much helped anyway.
I've decided I want a better life, in fact a much better life. Things have finally come to the point where I see what I want and am frustrated because I'm not getting it. I learned, and to a degree have experienced the principal that anything is possible, and with this post I plan to take one of the first steps to getting my goals, and weeding out the ones that are just plain ludicrous. I come to you for some help, somehow knowing from what I've seen so far that this is one of the places for me to find it. I sit here truly moved writing this for your mind and mine.
I feel now that I must speak on what is wrong with my life, and I will try to do so in as much my mind's words as possible. I am unhappy most of the day. I feel sometimes very out of control of my emotions when I let the worse ones get the best of me. What I call in control is not feeling bad - I have a very hard time now making myself feel good, happy, etc. When I see people on the street I think they are judging me, and I am afraid to make eye contact with them. When I am around people and they are talking, I judge them on how poor their social skills are, or how stupid they are etc. I rarely talk to anyone, recently more people have been wanting to talk to me, but my self-deprecation always gets in the way. I think automatically the worst is happening, that their intentions are negative and about to damage my world. When they laugh, something inside me tells me it is at me, and I never seek to find out what it really is they are laughing at. When people actually make fun of me I brush it off, and they instantly stop when they see my mood is not a receptive one. This is perhaps a positive but very contradictory to the former belief. I see girls as things to be afraid of too, why I do not know, but I cannot hold their eye contact for long in any situation. I hear myself judging me through their perspective when I do anything and put a horrible negative spin on it. When I can tell they are looking at me it is like I am frozen and cannot move any part of my physical body. When they talk to me I am distant and uninterested, the exact opposite of what I felt inside perhaps a moment before, but at that moment my inside is completely congruent with that negative frame. I am always looking through the world when girls are around me as their perspective of judgement (positive or negative depending on my mood) of me. In fact of most people, when girls are not around replace with X, otherwise it is my intent towards them that is the strongest, and so I can't shake using them as the catalyst for that judgement of myself. I use them as the ultimate catalyst - purely introspectively, as my thoughts never become actions that serve my goals - in that everything that is going on in me while they are around is "for" them, in the sense that they are judging it. Sometimes I feel it is just better to look straight down and ignore the world, at least that way it isn't making me miserable. As long as it is possibilities and not experience, I am in my own comfortable -though still negative- introspective world. Sometimes I relate my experience to a greater meaning. When this is positive it gives me introspective motivation - I have yet to actually act based on a positive greater meaning. ALthough, most times it is negative and the very thought that my experience could be related negatively to something greater than me and perhaps judged causes my thought to stop entirely. I often sit up late at night and wonder to myself how to fix my problems, but a solution never comes.
I was introduced to a concept recently called "set goals" Sounds elementary but I have been ignoring my life since the 7th grade-academically and socially. I am in the 12th grade now, and want a deep change in myself. My school life is miserable, I go to a small school and when I look at the other people there I feel like there is a want and in fact an expectation from them for me to talk to them. I get looks all the time from the girls I like, but that only serves to frustrate me because I can't go up to them and talk to them on a level that is beyond "did you do the homework" - a level that tells them that I want something in them. When I come home I have a mom who frustrates the hell out of me. A father who is very angry and very un-understanding and often mistreats us emotionally. Times have come to where he threatens me with blows, and has been for a long time. For the longest time too those have scared me, but recently I began to call him on them and found them to be idle threats. He has damaged my mom I believe, emotionally, and she is afraid to tell him what she really thinks. She is submissive to him, and very unfortunately, I believe she takes a lot of it out on me. She is ignorant to me sometimes, very passive-aggressive, and is always trying to change me like I am hers to change. Not through advice but through commands and orders. This is one of the things that frustrates me the most. More than that, though, is that since grade 7 she has always wanted to argue with me, argue argue argue from the moment I wake up. It has come to a point where the very sight of her makes me very angry and I do not want to deal with either of them anymore. They are always complaining to me about their self-induced money problems, though my dad takes care of most of the working, and hasn';t been home much for the past 8 years - wakes up before me and comes home after I'm asleep. Since elementary school. I genuinely feel as if they have lost interest in raising me, and are only around now to fulfill what they believe their duties to be, providing for me financially and blaming me through literal blame, and blame by proxy in the form of patronizing for that. I feel they are patronizing me because our interactions are rarely genuine. I see how they speak to their other loved ones and their family and friends and it is nothing like how they speak to me or eachother. All in all I feel it is a household without much love. I'm going to take a moment as this has brough me to tears and I feel it's important that I share that with you.
It feels very wierd now to shift gears back into the first sentence of that last paragraph, but this concept of actually having things I want instead of taking whatever is handed to me is very new and very different. In the near future, I have some visions of how I would like my life to be, at least in the realm of human and self-interaction. I would like it so that every day I wake up happy. I would like it so that when I wake up I can actually remember instead of repress the important lessons I learned the day before. I would like it so that I have a lot more control over the way I feel, and these barriers that keep me from feeling as good as I want to - and then double that - are gone. I want to glide through the world with a grace and enchantment that makes people stop in amazement at how amazed I am at my own life. I want my aura of positivity to be strong. I'd like to never worry about saying hi to anyone again - I'd like everyone to say hi to me. I'd like it so that when I meet a new girl it's like we've known eachother all our lives, and are just as intimate as to reflect that. I want girls to be flirtatious and loving around me. I want to see a new greatness and have a new love for myself, and see those two things equally or greater reflected in the people around me. I want people to want to be my friend, and to get to know me, "It was like I was drawn to him and I couldn't help it - and I'm so glad I did, our time together was the best of my life" is what I want people to say, and in fact what I want to say about every moment of life. I want each next moment to be twice as good as the last and never stop. I want to have clarity of mind and depth of thought. I want to not have to think about what I'm going to say but instead let the dialogues of my imagination that are always congruent with eachother be the dialogues between me and the people in my life. I want my conversations to be funny and profound, thought inspiring and a great learning experience for everyone around me. I want my interactions with women to be heavily sexual, and very intimate. I want everyone to irresistably reciprocate all the love I have to give, and if their love is greater teach me how to get on their level. I want to learn from all the wise people of the earth, and teach all the wisepeople-to-be. I would like it so I never had to worry again about the opinions or thoughts of another human being. I want it so that everything in my life is handled, and I have a firm foot to step off from from which everything I want to happen is possible. I want no person's problems to bog me down after having heard them, or them after having listened or listened then advised them. I want the problems to just slip away, as if there was no reason for them to be there in the first place.
My head's starting to hurt now, I taKe that to mean ether I've gone off track or enough of those goals is enough for now. I am very new to this thing called manifesting life. As such I do not know how much what I have said really means. I leave my trust now in your able hands that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel. What is my plan of action? I do not know, I have never known, and I rarely act on my beliefs.
Bless us all,
loving
I've decided I want a better life, in fact a much better life. Things have finally come to the point where I see what I want and am frustrated because I'm not getting it. I learned, and to a degree have experienced the principal that anything is possible, and with this post I plan to take one of the first steps to getting my goals, and weeding out the ones that are just plain ludicrous. I come to you for some help, somehow knowing from what I've seen so far that this is one of the places for me to find it. I sit here truly moved writing this for your mind and mine.
I feel now that I must speak on what is wrong with my life, and I will try to do so in as much my mind's words as possible. I am unhappy most of the day. I feel sometimes very out of control of my emotions when I let the worse ones get the best of me. What I call in control is not feeling bad - I have a very hard time now making myself feel good, happy, etc. When I see people on the street I think they are judging me, and I am afraid to make eye contact with them. When I am around people and they are talking, I judge them on how poor their social skills are, or how stupid they are etc. I rarely talk to anyone, recently more people have been wanting to talk to me, but my self-deprecation always gets in the way. I think automatically the worst is happening, that their intentions are negative and about to damage my world. When they laugh, something inside me tells me it is at me, and I never seek to find out what it really is they are laughing at. When people actually make fun of me I brush it off, and they instantly stop when they see my mood is not a receptive one. This is perhaps a positive but very contradictory to the former belief. I see girls as things to be afraid of too, why I do not know, but I cannot hold their eye contact for long in any situation. I hear myself judging me through their perspective when I do anything and put a horrible negative spin on it. When I can tell they are looking at me it is like I am frozen and cannot move any part of my physical body. When they talk to me I am distant and uninterested, the exact opposite of what I felt inside perhaps a moment before, but at that moment my inside is completely congruent with that negative frame. I am always looking through the world when girls are around me as their perspective of judgement (positive or negative depending on my mood) of me. In fact of most people, when girls are not around replace with X, otherwise it is my intent towards them that is the strongest, and so I can't shake using them as the catalyst for that judgement of myself. I use them as the ultimate catalyst - purely introspectively, as my thoughts never become actions that serve my goals - in that everything that is going on in me while they are around is "for" them, in the sense that they are judging it. Sometimes I feel it is just better to look straight down and ignore the world, at least that way it isn't making me miserable. As long as it is possibilities and not experience, I am in my own comfortable -though still negative- introspective world. Sometimes I relate my experience to a greater meaning. When this is positive it gives me introspective motivation - I have yet to actually act based on a positive greater meaning. ALthough, most times it is negative and the very thought that my experience could be related negatively to something greater than me and perhaps judged causes my thought to stop entirely. I often sit up late at night and wonder to myself how to fix my problems, but a solution never comes.
I was introduced to a concept recently called "set goals" Sounds elementary but I have been ignoring my life since the 7th grade-academically and socially. I am in the 12th grade now, and want a deep change in myself. My school life is miserable, I go to a small school and when I look at the other people there I feel like there is a want and in fact an expectation from them for me to talk to them. I get looks all the time from the girls I like, but that only serves to frustrate me because I can't go up to them and talk to them on a level that is beyond "did you do the homework" - a level that tells them that I want something in them. When I come home I have a mom who frustrates the hell out of me. A father who is very angry and very un-understanding and often mistreats us emotionally. Times have come to where he threatens me with blows, and has been for a long time. For the longest time too those have scared me, but recently I began to call him on them and found them to be idle threats. He has damaged my mom I believe, emotionally, and she is afraid to tell him what she really thinks. She is submissive to him, and very unfortunately, I believe she takes a lot of it out on me. She is ignorant to me sometimes, very passive-aggressive, and is always trying to change me like I am hers to change. Not through advice but through commands and orders. This is one of the things that frustrates me the most. More than that, though, is that since grade 7 she has always wanted to argue with me, argue argue argue from the moment I wake up. It has come to a point where the very sight of her makes me very angry and I do not want to deal with either of them anymore. They are always complaining to me about their self-induced money problems, though my dad takes care of most of the working, and hasn';t been home much for the past 8 years - wakes up before me and comes home after I'm asleep. Since elementary school. I genuinely feel as if they have lost interest in raising me, and are only around now to fulfill what they believe their duties to be, providing for me financially and blaming me through literal blame, and blame by proxy in the form of patronizing for that. I feel they are patronizing me because our interactions are rarely genuine. I see how they speak to their other loved ones and their family and friends and it is nothing like how they speak to me or eachother. All in all I feel it is a household without much love. I'm going to take a moment as this has brough me to tears and I feel it's important that I share that with you.
It feels very wierd now to shift gears back into the first sentence of that last paragraph, but this concept of actually having things I want instead of taking whatever is handed to me is very new and very different. In the near future, I have some visions of how I would like my life to be, at least in the realm of human and self-interaction. I would like it so that every day I wake up happy. I would like it so that when I wake up I can actually remember instead of repress the important lessons I learned the day before. I would like it so that I have a lot more control over the way I feel, and these barriers that keep me from feeling as good as I want to - and then double that - are gone. I want to glide through the world with a grace and enchantment that makes people stop in amazement at how amazed I am at my own life. I want my aura of positivity to be strong. I'd like to never worry about saying hi to anyone again - I'd like everyone to say hi to me. I'd like it so that when I meet a new girl it's like we've known eachother all our lives, and are just as intimate as to reflect that. I want girls to be flirtatious and loving around me. I want to see a new greatness and have a new love for myself, and see those two things equally or greater reflected in the people around me. I want people to want to be my friend, and to get to know me, "It was like I was drawn to him and I couldn't help it - and I'm so glad I did, our time together was the best of my life" is what I want people to say, and in fact what I want to say about every moment of life. I want each next moment to be twice as good as the last and never stop. I want to have clarity of mind and depth of thought. I want to not have to think about what I'm going to say but instead let the dialogues of my imagination that are always congruent with eachother be the dialogues between me and the people in my life. I want my conversations to be funny and profound, thought inspiring and a great learning experience for everyone around me. I want my interactions with women to be heavily sexual, and very intimate. I want everyone to irresistably reciprocate all the love I have to give, and if their love is greater teach me how to get on their level. I want to learn from all the wise people of the earth, and teach all the wisepeople-to-be. I would like it so I never had to worry again about the opinions or thoughts of another human being. I want it so that everything in my life is handled, and I have a firm foot to step off from from which everything I want to happen is possible. I want no person's problems to bog me down after having heard them, or them after having listened or listened then advised them. I want the problems to just slip away, as if there was no reason for them to be there in the first place.
My head's starting to hurt now, I taKe that to mean ether I've gone off track or enough of those goals is enough for now. I am very new to this thing called manifesting life. As such I do not know how much what I have said really means. I leave my trust now in your able hands that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel. What is my plan of action? I do not know, I have never known, and I rarely act on my beliefs.
Bless us all,
loving