Death and mourning

[Duster11]

I experienced an event 8 years ago.

Back in 2011, my father died in his sleep. He was in his 50s. I was just 21 at that time. Even after all this time, I grieve his lose. It was unexpected and sudden. No good-byes. Just plain ‘the end’.

During this time, I realised one thing: the insensitivity of people. The words they say with regards to this, still boils me. Words like,
- “I know how you feel” (when you know you do not)
- “I am sorry, how did happen?” (making me relive the painful moment)
- “Oh yeah, I know how you feel because my [parent] died because of [cause] and only when he/she died did I sleep” (boosting the fact that you were able to sleep after the death makes you look more like a wuss).

So, here I am, asking for your experience. If you have gone through a similar situation, how did you feel when people said similar stupid stuff and how did you react? And what was it that people said that made you feel better?

 

[Desdinova]

I think it comes from the ignorance of what your relationship was with the person who is now missing out of your life. Some people would say things like "I'm sorry for your loss" and the "griever" would say "Well, he was a fvcking arsehole so don't be sorry." What it boils down to is the person feels bad that you experienced some kind of loss, but they really don't know how to communicate it. Saying "I'm sorry for your loss" is dumb because they're not in a place to apologize. Saying "I know how you feel" is being presumptuous. The thing is, the person trying to relate isn't really any of those things. They just don't like seeing other people go through it.

If I were you, I'd just take it as kindness and nothing more. Don't dwell on what they say, just realize that they're only trying to be a decent human being, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[zekko]

If I were you, I'd just take it as kindness and nothing more. Don't dwell on what they say, just realize that they're only trying to be a decent human being, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, I mean if you're going to pick apart everything someone says, no one is going to say anything. They're just trying to offer some sympathy. We all experience death and loss, all of us, so I don't think it's so bad to say "I know how you feel". Sure they don't know exactly how you feel, but they're just trying to offer some sympathy, and letting you know you're not alone in the world when it comes to suffering.

 

[samspade]

Saying "I'm sorry for your loss" is dumb because they're not in a place to apologize.

This is another way of expressing condolences, it's not an apology for an offense. I agree most people mean well and are not trying to be insensitive when they're offering condolence to the bereaved.

When I was 17 a good friend of mine, same age, died suddenly. We went to different high schools so my close friends didn't know him but knew what happened. Very few of them had been in my shoes before, but they managed to make me feel "not alone" (as zekko said). In fact if anything it was a few of my teachers who were more awkward about it, with one - a nun - saying something that stuck in my craw. But hey, I can be the better Catholic and forgive her.

 

[xplt]

I experienced an event 8 years ago.

Back in 2011, my father died in his sleep. He was in his 50s. I was just 21 at that time. Even after all this time, I grieve his lose. It was unexpected and sudden. No good-byes. Just plain ‘the end’.

During this time, I realised one thing: the insensitivity of people. The words they say with regards to this, still boils me. Words like,
- “I know how you feel” (when you know you do not)
- “I am sorry, how did happen?” (making me relive the painful moment)
- “Oh yeah, I know how you feel because my [parent] died because of [cause] and only when he/she died did I sleep” (boosting the fact that you were able to sleep after the death makes you look more like a wuss).

So, here I am, asking for your experience. If you have gone through a similar situation, how did you feel when people said similar stupid stuff and how did you react? And what was it that people said that made you feel better?

I've experienced the same in 2014 with my father. I was 27 back then.

Condolence from people who you barely know feels awkward and I often felt annoyed. I grew up in a small suburb, so I couldn't walk the street without running into someone who was trying to chat with me. I always kept my reactions short, but didn't think about it very much. I was too busy with myself during this time.

Keep in mind, that no one who's expressing condolence wants to annoy you. Expressing condolence often feels annoying for the one who's expressing it, too. It's just a kind act of sympathy. And it's never easy to figure out what's the right thing to say.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Even after all this time, I grieve his lose. It was unexpected and sudden. No good-byes.

That's what you're really angry about, the unfairness of what happened. You are projecting that anger at the people who try to console you.

 

[Poonani Maker]

When other people relate to me losing THEIR father at an early age, it helps me, makes me feel more grateful. Mine reached 69 on his birthday (suspicious, in the hospital he had some "visitors" me and my brothers and cousins didn't know or hardly See, a few of them Black people - I'm like wtf? I know he'd attended some "brothas'" parties recently and had told me how hilarious it was chilling with them and him and his girlfriend being the only Whites...I was like WTF? All his life, he never hung with black people Ever! but I guess he thought that all White people including his own son (me) had forsaken him and never called him or loved him anymore - well, when you treat me like sh!t, I don't wanna talk to you really..when you make promises of coming to visit me (never had ever seen my new house) then backing out at the last minute, then I don't wanna talk to you - I Always had to go to him and visit Him in His house as he was too lazy (claimed gout and health) to come to where I live.

But I mourned deeply and sustained from the minute before and seconds after his death up until 2018, then I just have dreams and periodic thoughts, how he's just, "gone" or cremated never to be seen again. He was really messed up at the end though and had no one really left (I hadn't talked to him in almost 2 years). His 1st ex-wife deemed him a psychopath I overheard her tell my mom, his 2nd ex-wife a couple of days after he died. In a lot of ways he DID fit the description - never EVER called my brothers as if they were Nothing all their lives, no contact or attempt to contact really I think, and he'd punch me in the face for no reason other than bothering him while he was trying to think while working at home. We got along but he was highly manipulative and non-feeling most of the time and only out for him, very selfish, but he'd seen things being a Marine etc. He lived out his "prime" fully and had felt that once past prime, life is no longer fun, just waitin to die, no ambition. "Nothing in life worth livin' but well-tuned guitars and fine-feelin women" he'd say. He showed me the redneck underworld and world of outcasts he knew - we'd travel to places over a hundred miles away and it was the middle of nowhere with Strange freaky but down-to-Earth in a sense people. He'd say, "These are Real people." He hated "elites" or cliques or socialites. He was all about Nature, and simple life, the Earth, cliff-divin, campin, swimmin in a river, makin fires, smokin dope. He could befriend virtually anyone, young or old. It didn't hurt that he was naturally good-looking and strong and easy-going, but damn sh!t would set him off just all of a sudden, big guy (never under 220). He taught me lessons of standing your ground - swords, boxin, guns, you name it, he loved that. He hated cowards.

But when others in those 1st 2 years after his death shared that their dad died in his 50s or early 60s I don't feel quite as at a loss by God. For as rough as he lived 69 was pretty good.