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Dealing with severe heartbreak - could use some support…

European-DJ

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Day 14 of NC - The last few days I have been thinking about my Ex a lot and today was extra hard because I saw her in an Instagram post of one of our mutual friends - I know, “delete Instagram” and so I have done. I have already followed the advise of blocking her everywhere with the exception of WhatsApp as there is one final practical item to solve within the next 8 weeks after which I’ll likely block her there as well. I have not made any mistakes of approaching her on this app, nor has she reached out to me for that matter…

She looked happy and cute in the picture, doing wholesome stuff, and just as I remembered her.

This naturally intensified the feeling of me missing her to the point that I was contemplating reaching out to ask whether we could please give it another chance and to reiterate to her how much I miss her. This is naturally unacceptable as she made it clear during the break up that she was not interested in being with me anymore. She made it clear to me on a number occasions that she had no intention of being with me again and I am fairly certain that it is entirely over and that she has no intention of coming back to me.

My head and thoughts keep wandering though. I can’t get it out of my head how I - emphasis on *I* - might have spoiled something truly good with a girl I could have imagined myself being with for the rest of my life. The trust, however, is completely gone in the relationship, and I am to blame for the majority of the issues that we experienced until it ended. At that point she starting doing some strange stuff, which was probably just an indication of her gradually having been distancing herself from me over a period of a few months, which made me lose some trust in her. Although there is no turning back I keep having this intense hope that she’ll one day - soon - change her mind and come back to me…
I have been seeing a number of other girls since she broke it off, fcked a few and gone on a few dates, but nothing compares. She was good with my friends, extremely good in bed, we split everything 50/50, went on a ton of vacations / weekend trips, and genuinely had a good connection. She was always keen to send me naughty stuff and stories whenever I was abroad and I asked for it. She was good looking as well, with a low count (I was her 3rd) which, honesty, doesn’t help the whole situation.
While it is still early in the NC process, we have been broken up for about a month now, yet I still feel down on the daily and am experiencing a lot of trouble sleeping. I wake up early every day because I am unable to sleep and the first though, literally every morning, is me missing her so deeply and being sad for the first hour of the morning. I can’t seem to get her out of my mind…

I removed all pictures of her from my phone and even deleted our conversations on every platform, which contained messages going almost 3 years back in time.

I catch myself wanting to speak about the breakup and her all of the time with mutual friends and it annoys me. I am having a hard time controlling myself…
I recognize a lot of what is happening from my very first relationship, which, for me, was also a very intense emotional breakup that sent me to this site and on the verge of a depression..
I have no idea what to do: I am not and have not been mad at her for a single moment since the break-up, I am just extremely sad, hurt and broken…

Any advise to get her out of my head would be much appreciated. I am sure that the self consciousness that I experiencing at the moment doesn’t help me nor the situation the slightest bit… I know time heals all wounds, but it has now been affecting me at work for over a month and I am starting to feel a mild degree of anxiety…
Could really use your help guys..
 

European-DJ

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You’ve got posts in the NC thread years back, im assuming over a different girl. How do you feel about that girl now?
I was expecting an answer like this to come up and I obviously feel absolutely nothing towards her, nor any of my other exes. The issues with this one is that the feelings I am having is similar to those I experienced during my very first break up and I am keen to try to seek out any inputs / advise, which will hopefully accelerate my healing a bit… not sure what that might be to be honest and whether there is anything else than time…
 

SoSuave666

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I was expecting an answer like this to come up and I obviously feel absolutely nothing towards her, nor any of my other exes. The issues with this one is that the feelings I am having is similar to those I experienced during my very first break up and I am keen to try to seek out any inputs / advise, which will hopefully accelerate my healing a bit… not sure what that might be to be honest and whether there is anything else than time…
That’s the whole point. This one is not special. You are emotionally vulnerable right now thinking you’ve lost the greatest woman ever to walk the earth.

At the end of the day you are a man. You need to act like a fvcking man even when times are tough and the emotional bubble is building up. Strap up your shoes, dust yourself off, and put one foot in front of the other. It gets easier as you know, but wallowing in self pity and hanging on to the past simply makes things worse. You are in charge of your life, not her, not anyone. What does a fvcking lion care if a sheep rejects him? Are you going to let some little 5’ nothin’ female control you to a point where you don’t act like a lion?

All the standard advice applies: delete contact information, block if you have to. No checking up on social media, no reaching out. Spend time with families and friends. Read a lot and journal will also help. In times of need come to this site and post on the NC thread. But in general I wouldn’t mentally masturbate on this site too much, I don’tthink it’s overly healthy and will bring your mind back to your ex. Go out and do fun things for YOU. Use this as an opportunity to grow
 

Striker_93

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Man forget about that girl, stop boosting her up in you're head like shes the greatest thing walking, she's just a girl, another human being, there's thousands of them.

You're a catch, you can get other women, suck it up, live you're life and move on. Time will heal all wounds.
 

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Toddz

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Every guy has been in your situation, so you're not alone.

This is an opportunity to grow and become a better man, you may not realize it now, but it is.

You said a lot of it you are to blame? Then learn from the mistakes that you made in the relationship, and don't make those mistakes again with the next woman you are involved with.
 

Jor-El

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Its the biggest cliche but its true, with time it gets easier. You will find yourself thinking about her/the situation less and less,as time passes. Which dosent help right now,but,its true. One thing I would say,when we have lost someone we still want,is we tend to equate this person as the most important person that ever lived...and also the old rose coloured specs come out,ie,we only ever think about the good times we had with them,which makes it worse. Try to think about her in the round,ie,the things that annoyed you about her,her bad habits,the things you didnt like so much or disagreed on. Which there will be,as no one is perfect,so think of those things as well. Also,one last tip,you say you have not slept well,well,to say "dont think about this person when you are going to sleep" is to easy to say,and not helpful,but what you can do,given that you ARE going to think of her at night time,is acknowledge,that,roll with it and do it, BUT, give yourself,say,20 mins to think about her and then,switch off,and try hard to think about something else. So you have a time limit. hard to do,but works also for any problem in your life. Anyways,its a crap time,we have all been there and emerged the other side older and wiser....again,unhelpful,but you aint the first and wont be the last in this position. Good luck mate
 

Black Widow Void

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We’ve all been there. If fact some of us are repeat offenders.

I remember when that feeling started creeping in with a new girl that had just ended. I tried something and it really worked. Here’s what I did.

I carried around a battery operated portable cassette recorder in my car. Of course that was a long time ago and I suppose now you would use your voice recorder on your phone.

Anytime a negative or less than positive thought about her entered my head, I recorded it. After a while, I accumulated quite a few memories that weren’t so pleasant. And later on, when I couldn’t think of the bad and only the good, I played those messages.

I still missed her and all, but the confusion and pain was not nearly as intense. I hope this might help you as it helped me
 

IKO69

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Time bro, time heals all wounds. We have all been there are some point. All of us have felt wronged and have wanted to justify ourselves (over breakups - we are usually the one's that get dumped). It's hard but it will lessen over time and you will move forward; the current pain and disappointment will fade into nothingness. It is never healthy to dwell on the past, especially past hurts. I've made this mistake. You can learn a lot from it but you just don't want to make it your "resting place".

There are better days ahead and you will always meet other women. In ways it can be a blessing in disguise --- but you can't let this experience defeat you.
 

Grounded eagle

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My oneitis was a girl I’d liked since kindergarten.I had known her for 15+ years, and in my mind,”it was meant to be.”So when she chose some other guy over me in high school, I was devastated, and fell into a deep depression for a couple of years.But as I sit here today, I can confidently say I’m over her.

So don’t worry about it,time heals all wounds.It may take a while,and you may never forget her,but you will get over her.My advice to you would be to live your life as best as possible in the meantime,and don’t put it on hold,even for a second,just because someone doesn’t want to be a part of it.
 

bat soup

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Day 14 of NC - The last few days I have been thinking about my Ex a lot and today was extra hard because I saw her in an Instagram post of one of our mutual friends - I know, “delete Instagram” and so I have done. I have already followed the advise of blocking her everywhere with the exception of WhatsApp as there is one final practical item to solve within the next 8 weeks after which I’ll likely block her there as well. I have not made any mistakes of approaching her on this app, nor has she reached out to me for that matter…

She looked happy and cute in the picture, doing wholesome stuff, and just as I remembered her.

This naturally intensified the feeling of me missing her to the point that I was contemplating reaching out to ask whether we could please give it another chance and to reiterate to her how much I miss her. This is naturally unacceptable as she made it clear during the break up that she was not interested in being with me anymore. She made it clear to me on a number occasions that she had no intention of being with me again and I am fairly certain that it is entirely over and that she has no intention of coming back to me.

My head and thoughts keep wandering though. I can’t get it out of my head how I - emphasis on *I* - might have spoiled something truly good with a girl I could have imagined myself being with for the rest of my life. The trust, however, is completely gone in the relationship, and I am to blame for the majority of the issues that we experienced until it ended. At that point she starting doing some strange stuff, which was probably just an indication of her gradually having been distancing herself from me over a period of a few months, which made me lose some trust in her. Although there is no turning back I keep having this intense hope that she’ll one day - soon - change her mind and come back to me…
I have been seeing a number of other girls since she broke it off, fcked a few and gone on a few dates, but nothing compares. She was good with my friends, extremely good in bed, we split everything 50/50, went on a ton of vacations / weekend trips, and genuinely had a good connection. She was always keen to send me naughty stuff and stories whenever I was abroad and I asked for it. She was good looking as well, with a low count (I was her 3rd) which, honesty, doesn’t help the whole situation.
While it is still early in the NC process, we have been broken up for about a month now, yet I still feel down on the daily and am experiencing a lot of trouble sleeping. I wake up early every day because I am unable to sleep and the first though, literally every morning, is me missing her so deeply and being sad for the first hour of the morning. I can’t seem to get her out of my mind…

I removed all pictures of her from my phone and even deleted our conversations on every platform, which contained messages going almost 3 years back in time.

I catch myself wanting to speak about the breakup and her all of the time with mutual friends and it annoys me. I am having a hard time controlling myself…
I recognize a lot of what is happening from my very first relationship, which, for me, was also a very intense emotional breakup that sent me to this site and on the verge of a depression..
I have no idea what to do: I am not and have not been mad at her for a single moment since the break-up, I am just extremely sad, hurt and broken…

Any advise to get her out of my head would be much appreciated. I am sure that the self consciousness that I experiencing at the moment doesn’t help me nor the situation the slightest bit… I know time heals all wounds, but it has now been affecting me at work for over a month and I am starting to feel a mild degree of anxiety…
Could really use your help guys..
Try to control your thoughts and don't indulge yourself in reminiscing. They'll be time for that later. Think about other women from your past and those that you're interested in having in your future. And then make a plan to get them.

If you can, take a walk by yourself next to the sea or someplace like that and sort out your thoughts.
 

Barrister

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OP,

I won’t repeat what a lot of the other guys have already said - you’ve gotten good advise here. I’ll add though, in response to you seemingly taking the blame for the relationship falling apart, this is all part of wearing the rose colored glasses after the fact. Remember there was a reason you did those things while you were with her. She maybe was nice and wholesome, but perhaps that was making you bored. Hence why you acted the way you did. Relationship issues don’t disappear just because you break up and get back together. You’d be back in the same position with her soon.

You gave it a shot and it didn’t work. Time to move on and find a woman that checks more boxes for you. Despite you saying how great this woman was, if she was half that you wouldn’t be here right now.
 

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RangerMIke

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Any advise to get her out of my head would be much appreciated.
Just do it. You are allowing your emotions to control you. Get busy with other productive things... When you find yourself thinking about this chick, force yourself to think of something else. It's not easy to do when you first start doing this, but with practice it gets easier.

Get control of your thoughts... that's the only advice I can give.
 

RangerMIke

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One common thread I've seen with this kind of obsession is that the dude thinks he fvcked something up.... that only if he had 'done this' or 'not done that' that things would have been different. Understand that there was NOTHING you could have done... your turn on the ride is over. So if you are obsessing that you might have done something different just know that it wouldn't have mattered.
 

Baibars

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OP,

I won’t repeat what a lot of the other guys have already said - you’ve gotten good advise here. I’ll add though, in response to you seemingly taking the blame for the relationship falling apart, this is all part of wearing the rose colored glasses after the fact. Remember there was a reason you did those things while you were with her. She maybe was nice and wholesome, but perhaps that was making you bored. Hence why you acted the way you did. Relationship issues don’t disappear just because you break up and get back together. You’d be back in the same position with her soon.

You gave it a shot and it didn’t work. Time to move on and find a woman that checks more boxes for you. Despite you saying how great this woman was, if she was half that you wouldn’t be here right now.
that’s so true and what I realized years later after chasing my ex. I really made her leave and treated her like **** because I was tired of her. When she made the final decision to leave and the power dynamic shifted, at first I thought she’s coming back and when she didn’t that’s when I chased her like crazy convincing myself that she’s special etc. we had an on/off relationship and everytime when I stayed with her for a longer period of time I started disliking her again.

+ I was at my worst and let myself go because I was so unhappy with her and my life. But I didn’t have the balls to leave. I waited until she made the final decision. Looking back now she did me a favor.
 
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