Daughters Mum - Advice Needed

[MT93]

What's up all.

Been a long time since I've posted on here, life has been good, wouldn't be back unless absolutely necessary but I'm in a bit of a drum....

Long story short, me and my daughters mum split almost 12 months ago, the first 6 months after this was a traumatic time, I lost my home - she kept my daughter from me - I embarked on a custody battle and eventually after much back and forth won joint visitation of my daughter.

Fast forward to June this year, I had my new place set up, things were good with regular contact with my daughter and work was going well (both me and my ex work for the same company)

My ex started to come around again, frequently contacting me via facetime, coming over with our daughter, generally being more engaged - we ended up sleeping together just the once - and kiss - go out as a family here on since.

I tried to escalate - asked on dates, tried to take things further and rebuild the family unit, she would always be quite stand off'ish and say that she wants to take things slow its going to take time etc etc especially after the situation we have gone through. Still she would seem hot - regular contact but just wouldn't take it that extra step - I figured not much longer I can persevere with this before I am wasting my time.

Yesterday she came over, we had a kiss - lunch etc etc. Back of my mind though I know something isn't right, our daughter was playing in the living room and she just came out like I think we need to talk....

Basically said that whilst she has tried to regain the feelings she once had for me, she's struggling with something, she cannot gain the love that she once had - she wants too, but that she just cant put her finger on it but there is something 'missing' she doesn't feel the same way she did before - she feels like she is letting our daughter down.

I agreed - I said its not worth pursuing if she doesn't feel the way she should - I advised that I sensed this was how she was feeling and fair play for her honesty - that I was disappointed but she shouldn't feel like she has let our daughter down as happiness is key - for both of us.

I said there was no real need to continue contact as much as we have been and that everything should be kept strictly around collection times/welfare of daughter.

She mentioned she doesn't want to see me with anyone else and that she is going to miss talking to me every day as she has been. I advised I will need to be selfish and there is no real purpose in doing that.

Gotta say fellas I have taken this one quite hard - not quite as bad as the first but her returning into my life and then bailing again has hurt.

Im not interested in getting her back but moreso how to improve my mindset and work through this to come out positive on the other end

thanks for your time in advance.

MT

 

[rart]

She is long gone for you. The only reason she keeps you around is that she doesn't have a solid alternative to you yet. But bottom line is she lost her attraction to you long time ago.

You have to cut contact for anything but child related. I suggest use email, no calls and text messages at all.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

May I inquire as to the reason of your initial breakup?

 

[rart]

who gives a fook about the reason. He doesn't need to think about the reason of the breakup. He needs to think about his new life and new fresh poosy

 

[Glassguy]

Proper response:

"Ok. Bye"

 

[Fruitbat]

What kind of whimsical shyt is that?
Everyone loses that spark. As long as your d1ck gets hard and she can get wet there’s your relationship. Even if it doesn’t, YOU HAVE A CHILD.

everyone in a long term marriage is like this - EVERYONE. That spark lasts 5 years. After that you run on shared goals and experience.

She’s utterly spoiled, utterly self obsessed if she thinks she can have her cake and eat it too.

Love is something which is a rush of emotions that lasts a short time, not all the time.

there is a little girl involved here and it makes my blood boil, the vain, self centred c**t thinks she can live in a f***ing romance novel and jeopardises her daughters development

 

[MT93]

Thanks for the responses all.

Break up was a culmination of things really, we weren't getting along and struggling with the pandemic soon after having a newborn baby - we separated 4 months after our daughter was born, she was living in her million pound house with mommy and daddy funding her with the best kit out there lol

I was pretty much disregarded and majority of my visitation would take place on the doorstep of her home with my daughter for about 15 mins per time - this was until I said enough was enough and took legal action. At this point she gave me the access I deserve....

A lot has happened since then - turns out her family have now turned her back on her and she is in the process of sourcing her own home through the civil channels - I wish her no harm and for it to be a smooth transition as the fact remains she has my daughter - I don't want her to have any distress.

I have supported her over the last two months with this and whilst I have hit it once - i haven't had anything real 'solid' in return.

I agree with the above - it may be she was keeping me as an orbiter until a better option becomes available, hence why i am cool with the choice that has been taken.

I'm just disappointed that she is willing to bail at the first hurdle rather than fight, we have a daughter this isn't some playground BS but again, as mentioned earlier, everyone is entitled to be happy - and if she was to try that with me, she would be lying to herself and wouldn't truly be happy.

This isn't about how to get her back, this is about how i move forward with myself to rebuild my life, i actively train, I am in decent shape and have a great career, truth be told - I have many options which I sleep with when needed, but the fact remains, when the sex is over, I'm right back to feeling like something is missing.

For that reason I'm looking at how to move forward and correct my mentality. Right now it is still fresh and I surprisingly feel a sense of loss.

thanks for your replies.

 

[MT93]

Love is something which is a rush of emotions that lasts a short time, not all the time.

This is very interesting and true.

 

[Fruitbat]

This is very interesting and true.

im not being funny mate but your and your baby mothers right to “not feel something is missing” is subordinate to your daughters right to a family home.

I’m not trying to be critical, I am not even religious but I am a firm believer in a biological mother and father. Nobody will have her back like her mother and father.

sad to say but regardless of how you feel, both of you need to put a ton of effort in to make it work. Relationships don’t happen on their own - they take tons of effort.

I’m sorry your ex GF sees you as an add on as opposed to an absolutely vital part of her life.

Just not cut out for the modern world. It takes a bit of effort. It’s all about attitude to family really. I’ve fallen out with my spouse plenty of times but in the end we just get pragmatic. Sort out the differences . But the days of feeling butterflies are long gone and we are only 4 1/2 years in, but that’s what marriage and kids is. She’s more like a business partner who I fvck ;-)

 

[Modern Man Advice]

What's up all.

Been a long time since I've posted on here, life has been good, wouldn't be back unless absolutely necessary but I'm in a bit of a drum....

Long story short, me and my daughters mum split almost 12 months ago, the first 6 months after this was a traumatic time, I lost my home - she kept my daughter from me - I embarked on a custody battle and eventually after much back and forth won joint visitation of my daughter.

Fast forward to June this year, I had my new place set up, things were good with regular contact with my daughter and work was going well (both me and my ex work for the same company)

My ex started to come around again, frequently contacting me via facetime, coming over with our daughter, generally being more engaged - we ended up sleeping together just the once - and kiss - go out as a family here on since.

I tried to escalate - asked on dates, tried to take things further and rebuild the family unit, she would always be quite stand off'ish and say that she wants to take things slow its going to take time etc etc especially after the situation we have gone through. Still she would seem hot - regular contact but just wouldn't take it that extra step - I figured not much longer I can persevere with this before I am wasting my time.

Yesterday she came over, we had a kiss - lunch etc etc. Back of my mind though I know something isn't right, our daughter was playing in the living room and she just came out like I think we need to talk....

Basically said that whilst she has tried to regain the feelings she once had for me, she's struggling with something, she cannot gain the love that she once had - she wants too, but that she just cant put her finger on it but there is something 'missing' she doesn't feel the same way she did before - she feels like she is letting our daughter down.

I agreed - I said its not worth pursuing if she doesn't feel the way she should - I advised that I sensed this was how she was feeling and fair play for her honesty - that I was disappointed but she shouldn't feel like she has let our daughter down as happiness is key - for both of us.

I said there was no real need to continue contact as much as we have been and that everything should be kept strictly around collection times/welfare of daughter.

She mentioned she doesn't want to see me with anyone else and that she is going to miss talking to me every day as she has been. I advised I will need to be selfish and there is no real purpose in doing that.

Gotta say fellas I have taken this one quite hard - not quite as bad as the first but her returning into my life and then bailing again has hurt.

Im not interested in getting her back but moreso how to improve my mindset and work through this to come out positive on the other end

thanks for your time in advance.

MT

Proud of you for staying strong, getting back to your feet, and making the effort to reconnect. But more so, because you realize your daughter needs you in her life. This is a very tough situation, both emotionally and mentally. Don't feel ashamed if you need to show your emotions, just make sure you keep them in check and it is you that controls them and not the other way around.

There is nothing more masculine than a man aligned with his heart and soul.

My best advice is to take time. Time is your only cure. Let time go by, be patient. This will all feel better and make more sense as time goes by.

The only thing you need to make sure is to be fully present when you are with your daughter. And more so, be intentional with the time you spend with her.

You can still have an amicable relationship with your ex, but know that love, like respect, is hard to build but once it's lost or not the same, it is almost unnatural to rebuild. Even more so, with genuine connection, desire, love. It's okay she doesn't feel that way anymore. Respect her for that and focus on your daughter now.

Slowly, you will find life taking a new meaning.

Last but not least, this is what makes life exciting. Do not fail to realize this is a learning and growing opportunity. To be a better father, but more importantly a better man.

Modern Man Advice

 

[MT93]

Proud of you for staying strong, getting back to your feet, and making the effort to reconnect. But more so, because you realize your daughter needs you in her life. This is a very tough situation, both emotionally and mentally. Don't feel ashamed if you need to show your emotions, just make sure you keep them in check and it is you that controls them and not the other way around.

There is nothing more masculine than a man aligned with his heart and soul.

My best advice is to take time. Time is your only cure. Let time go by, be patient. This will all feel better and make more sense as time goes by.

The only thing you need to make sure is to be fully present when you are with your daughter. And more so, be intentional with the time you spend with her.

You can still have an amicable relationship with your ex, but know that love, like respect, is hard to build but once it's lost or not the same, it is almost unnatural to rebuild. Even more so, with genuine connection, desire, love. It's okay she doesn't feel that way anymore. Respect her for that and focus on your daughter now.

Slowly, you will find life taking a new meaning.

Last but not least, this is what makes life exciting. Do not fail to realize this is a learning and growing opportunity. To be a better father, but more importantly a better man.

Modern Man Advice

Really appreciate that mate.

Very sound advice and i can resonate with that - bitter pill to swallow - but you are right.

I am excited for the future, for sure. But, right now it seems a little way away. I look forward to life taking a new meaning.

In respect of fighting for my child, there would be no way on this green earth I was going to walk away, and at least i never walked away on trying to fight for our family to work at it.

I can hold my head high on that note.

Thanks again, its appreciated.

 

[MT93]

I’ve fallen out with my spouse plenty of times but in the end we just get pragmatic. Sort out the differences . But the days of feeling butterflies are long gone and we are only 4 1/2 years in, but that’s what marriage and kids is. She’s more like a business partner who I fvck ;-)

Interesting to see a couple of you guys mention that the spark dies down, and i think its a very realistic thing to acknowledge, the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever, but its up to those who want to fight for each other that truly stand the test of time.

Thanks for your insight fruitbat. I take on board.

Mike

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Have you guys considered couple's counseling? I realize that in a MGTOW/RP/PUA forum this may not be looked upon as a viable solution, but there is a child's welfare at play here. A female child's well-being is at stake, young women who grow up in a home with an involved father have ridiculously better outcomes in their lives than those raised by single mothers.

You and the child's mother clearly have attraction and love for one another - that's a place to start. I'd suggest a male therapist, interview a few, yourself and see if you get along with them and they espouse some of the ideals that are important to you.

Good luck brother.

 

[bat soup]

What's up all.

Been a long time since I've posted on here, life has been good, wouldn't be back unless absolutely necessary but I'm in a bit of a drum....

Long story short, me and my daughters mum split almost 12 months ago, the first 6 months after this was a traumatic time, I lost my home - she kept my daughter from me - I embarked on a custody battle and eventually after much back and forth won joint visitation of my daughter.

Fast forward to June this year, I had my new place set up, things were good with regular contact with my daughter and work was going well (both me and my ex work for the same company)

My ex started to come around again, frequently contacting me via facetime, coming over with our daughter, generally being more engaged - we ended up sleeping together just the once - and kiss - go out as a family here on since.

I tried to escalate - asked on dates, tried to take things further and rebuild the family unit, she would always be quite stand off'ish and say that she wants to take things slow its going to take time etc etc especially after the situation we have gone through. Still she would seem hot - regular contact but just wouldn't take it that extra step - I figured not much longer I can persevere with this before I am wasting my time.

Yesterday she came over, we had a kiss - lunch etc etc. Back of my mind though I know something isn't right, our daughter was playing in the living room and she just came out like I think we need to talk....

Basically said that whilst she has tried to regain the feelings she once had for me, she's struggling with something, she cannot gain the love that she once had - she wants too, but that she just cant put her finger on it but there is something 'missing' she doesn't feel the same way she did before - she feels like she is letting our daughter down.

I agreed - I said its not worth pursuing if she doesn't feel the way she should - I advised that I sensed this was how she was feeling and fair play for her honesty - that I was disappointed but she shouldn't feel like she has let our daughter down as happiness is key - for both of us.

I said there was no real need to continue contact as much as we have been and that everything should be kept strictly around collection times/welfare of daughter.

She mentioned she doesn't want to see me with anyone else and that she is going to miss talking to me every day as she has been. I advised I will need to be selfish and there is no real purpose in doing that.

Gotta say fellas I have taken this one quite hard - not quite as bad as the first but her returning into my life and then bailing again has hurt.

Im not interested in getting her back but moreso how to improve my mindset and work through this to come out positive on the other end

thanks for your time in advance.

MT

I'd say, if you can, try to keep things cordial but avoid getting emotionally entangled with her. After all she did just steal your house.

 

[derby1]

Basically said that whilst she has tried to regain the feelings she once had for me, she's struggling with something, she cannot gain the love that she once had - she wants too, but that she just cant put her finger on it but there is something 'missing' she doesn't feel the same way she did before - she feels like she is letting our daughter down.

I agreed - I said its not worth pursuing if she doesn't feel the way she should - I advised that I sensed this was how she was feeling and fair play for her honesty - that I was disappointed but she shouldn't feel like she has let our daughter down as happiness is key - for both of us.

I said there was no real need to continue contact as much as we have been and that everything should be kept strictly around collection times/welfare of daughter.

She mentioned she doesn't want to see me with anyone else

I actually believe now, that they are all in some sisterhood cult, where they get installed with the same sentences and quotes. because all this is so predictable


shes just rinsing you of attention,and the only offers shes getting are from men with lower SMV.

 

[AttackFormation]

She mentioned she doesn't want to see me with anyone else

This stood out to me as the only honest thing she said, not because the other things were lies, but because this sentence shows her core motivation in interacting with you: her egotism.

If she really cared about the relationship or her daughter, had a sense of prudence and accountability, she wouldnt have behaved as irresponsibly as she has (having kids and relationship with no thought or commitment to the consequences, upheaving lifes on a whim). If she really respected you, she would tell you she knows youll come back better with new women and wish you well.

Instead she tells you she "doesnt want to see you with anyone else". This is who she really was. She wants you to behave codependently so that youll feed her ego and she can feel exalted over you, in a one-way relation where you give and she takes. She dislikes the fact that you will be going your own way, marching to your own drum, and wont feed her hedonistic narcissism with attention, validation and snivelling pleas or idle wishes to "be with her" again. This woman has a worse character than you thought.

 

[MT93]

This stood out to me as the only honest thing she said, not because the other things were lies, but because this sentence shows her core motivation in interacting with you: her egotism.

If she really cared about the relationship or her daughter, had a sense of prudence and accountability, she wouldnt have behaved as irresponsibly as she has (having kids and relationship with no thought or commitment to the consequences, upheaving lifes on a whim). If she really respected you, she would tell you she knows youll come back better with new women and wish you well.

Instead she tells you she "doesnt want to see you with anyone else". This is who she really was. She wants you to behave codependently so that youll feed her ego and she can feel exalted over you, in a one-way relation where you give and she takes. She dislikes the fact that you will be going your own way, marching to your own drum, and wont feed her hedonistic narcissism with attention, validation and snivelling pleas or idle wishes to "be with her" again. This woman has a worse character than you thought.

Great post @AttackFormation

Deep down this is the vibe i get from this women, the 'what i thought was kind' comments that she made such as

- I don't want to see you with anyone else
- I am going to miss talking to you every day
- who knows if we are consistent with out daughter - what could happen
- I feel like I'm letting our daughter down (by not giving it another go)

This is to appease her own guilt and selfishness, none of this was said with my best intentions at heart. All of that is irrelevant. If she wanted to make things work and genuinely felt that way then nothing would stand in her way.

What do you feel is the best method to move forward for me?

She has attempted to call a couple of times, I have brushed off these attempts and fired a text saying "we don't have to talk on the phone, if its surrounding our daughter drop me a text and ill come back to you"

She didn't take well to that response and says she 'didn't want things to turn like this'

 

[MT93]

shes just rinsing you of attention,and the only offers shes getting are from men with lower SMV.

Valid point mate and duly noted.

 

[AttackFormation]

Great post @AttackFormation

Deep down this is the vibe i get from this women, the 'what i thought was kind' comments that she made such as

- I don't want to see you with anyone else
- I am going to miss talking to you every day
- who knows if we are consistent with out daughter - what could happen
- I feel like I'm letting our daughter down (by not giving it another go)

This is to appease her own guilt and selfishness, none of this was said with my best intentions at heart. All of that is irrelevant. If she wanted to make things work and genuinely felt that way then nothing would stand in her way.

What do you feel is the best method to move forward for me?

She has attempted to call a couple of times, I have brushed off these attempts and fired a text saying "we don't have to talk on the phone, if its surrounding our daughter drop me a text and ill come back to you"

She didn't take well to that response and says she 'didn't want things to turn like this'

You seem to be on the ball man. I think the best way forward is to do what you seem to be doing, which is minimising any attention and emotional response you give to her.

Women like this want attention, whether it's good attention or bad attention. If it's bad attention (anger, frustration, one-upping contests, etcetra), it still: 1) feeds her narrative of victimhood, 2) tells her that she matters to you because of the emotional responses you show her. The only way to move forward well is to stick to your guns, and then ignore her. They will take in your attention for as long as they feel like milking it - but they cant stand being truly ignored (and many of them will say just so).

 

[Alvafe]

This is very interesting and true.

just so you know love and lust are 2 diferent things, most people get together because of lust, then when that is over you break up

note she started to come around the moment she notice you was not a moron who just take it no?

things to do, first don't make much time with her, problem is IF you get back together it will end AGAIN, the same way, best is to move on, be polite be present with your daughter, do a lot of bonding time with her and not with the mom, main reason she come over you is, you was not as a push over was she belived, and there is no other prospect, most people still scared of covid and small child mom, she is horny as hell and there is no one willing to tap it, save for you