Dating A Sexually Abused Girl

[Capt. America]

I have been dating this amazing girl who is funny, caring, and pretty. This is the best sex that I ever had and nothing we want to do is off limits. She gets along very well with my family and friends as do I with hers. There is only one nagging thing that she disclosed to me recently. She told me she was molested once when she was younger (7 years old) and that the person was never captured.

Do you have any tips, strategy, resources I could utilize to best handle this situation.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Captain,
Nasty business,no one escapes unscathed from an experience like hers,you say things are fine in bed so it does seem as though she has escaped the worst effects that such an experience can cause...Just listen to her if she wants to talk and give her the love and affection she needs,if it starts to be an everyday discussion with tears and the works,then encourage her to seek professional victim counselling.

 

[BeyondCharm]

I agree with Scaramouche's advice above. You can tell her that you will be happy to listen to hear and can't imagine what that must have been like, but beyond that you're role is not to be a victim counseler it is to be a companion and lover and proctector. If she needs help dealing with the trauma take the above posters advice.

 

[squirrels]

I have been dating this amazing girl who is funny, caring, and pretty. This is the best sex that I ever had and nothing we want to do is off limits. She gets along very well with my family and friends as do I with hers. There is only one nagging thing that she disclosed to me recently. She told me she was molested once when she was younger (7 years old) and that the person was never captured.

Do you have any tips, strategy, resources I could utilize to best handle this situation.

Does it NEED any "handling" from you?

In other words, is it precluding intimacy in your relationship with her somehow? How did it come up?

If she just brought it up in conversation, keep an eye on it, but don't freak out.

If she busted out crying just as you were getting ready to round second base, then RUN, don't WALK, to the nearest exit.

If she tried to use it to manipulate you into doing something, then I recommend employing the Ripley Contingency: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCbfMkh940Q

 

[brokenupinside]

Disclosing something like this could be proof that she trusts u or a huge red flag depending on the context.
How long have u been dating,in what circumstances she revealed this to you,what does she expect from you now that u know are some of the questions that come to mind.
Remember she mentioned that he was never caught, huge unresolved issue.
Proceed with caution.

 

[backbreaker]

run.

 

[bukowski_merit]

1 in 4 American Women will be Sexually abused by the time they are 18. In other countries - that number can be as high at 7 in 10!

I was once with a woman who has been molested by her female cousin for 3 years! (from 8-11) and then raped by a 21 year old in a park when she was 13.

It really didn't seem to effect her. And her telling me those 2 things, definitely brought her closer to me. In the case of her - it was definitely a case of trusting me and feeling comfortable telling me. She has been with a guy for 5 years and never told him about her cousin.

In her case - she had had professional help from 16-19, and was on 2-3 drugs (anxiety and depression meds - which almost all young girls seem to be on these days sad sad sad!). She didn't seem to have any problems with desiring abuse, or in acting out. She also was an amazing fvck in bed.... <- that was strange to me because i had assumed women who were sexually abused turned out to hate sex.

If she's not doing much to you at the moment - then i wouldn't worry about it. If she starts acting out or going through psychopathic stages - then, get your jogging shoes on buddy.... Get them on as fast as possible! There are few guys who can handle a woman with emotional scarring and survive with their sanity.

 

[Reyaj]

The irony in my experience has been that girls that have been sexually abused or raped are freaks in bed and nymphomaniacs!

 

[backbreaker]

lol guys...

becuase of my addiction, and being in and out of AA in the past, I deal alot with sexually abused women. not dating them but just dealing wtih them


the probelm is..... THEY AREN'T NORMAL.

not the whole oh women aren't normal thing... their motives for doing **** are totally out there. they are looking more for validation than actually liking you first and foremost usually.


first of all... I have a theory... any woman that tells you that she has been sexually abuse and you are not damn near married.. that's a total red flag.

My thing is not necessary sexually abused women... it's the flaunting of the sexual abuse.

There is not one legit reason a normal woman should tell me she was abused unless we were in a real long term, as in like 2-3 year relationship. not one.


don't say we didn't warn you. I almost went to jail over a woman I didn't kiss.. let alone have sex with, becuase i wouldn't date her and she got mad and told the police i abused her. yes... very normal behavior from a sexually abused woman.


and what i have found.. if you are a guy that is wortha damn and you don't have interest in a woman with those types of issues, if she can't get that validation from you.. normal women kinda get off on it... will try harder..

abused women go ape****. charges. sprad nasty rumors. steal. try to **** your friends to get back at you.. they take it there.


leave. too many out there man.

 

[bukowski_merit]

I think for MOST women who are sexually abused - you are correct backbreaker. And the possibility exists that a lot of these women can carry on normal relationships until a much later point in the relationship. I would also think the amount of support they got over the issue from family/health professionals would help too... I also think it matters A LOT more if it's a family member, or even worse - a dad! A woman who gets raped while walking her dog - is a lot less likely to be as emotionally disturbed as one who got raped by her father for 13 years.... While i wouldn't run just for those reasons - i would keep a closer eye on her emotions and actions. I also wouldn't fault any guy who chose not to engage in a relation with a woman who had been sexually abused.

first of all... I have a theory... any woman that tells you that she has been sexually abuse and you are not damn near married.. that's a total red flag.

My thing is not necessary sexually abused women... it's the flaunting of the sexual abuse.

There is not one legit reason a normal woman should tell me she was abused unless we were in a real long term, as in like 2-3 year relationship. not one.

In my case - im VERY good at getting women to tell me things. I'd say at certain points in my relationships with women - when im trying to develop a higher level of rapport - i break a golden rule of pickup and became her therapist.... I'm in control of this though; this isn't her just dumping stuff on me whenever she feels like it...

In my case - i share something to get something in return. Then i connect with that feeling, try to get more out of her, etc. (this is called "eliciting value") Then at a certain point - she'll just find comfort in telling me everything and anything about her life. This is HUGE for emotional building with a woman.

She had told many people about being raped in the park, the cops knew, the parents knew, all her friends knew; it wasn't something she was ashamed of.

However, the thing about her cousin - she told me that only I, her cousin, and her psychologist knew. This came during a very deep discussion with her one night in which i revealed a certain thing that happened to me as a child... it wasn't anywhere near as bad as getting molested by a same sex cousin, but it was in her mind as opportunity to reveal something that she hasn't told many people.

And i do believe that if women just run around telling everyone they were raped - they are looking for attention or sympathy. But if she discloses it to you during a discussion where you have deep rapport - i think that's a good thing, it means you have her complete trust and make her feel safe.

 

[DMSR76]

The irony in my experience has been that girls that have been sexually abused or raped are freaks in bed and nymphomaniacs!

Very true.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Watch your steps, you may be in for a huge roller coaster!

 

[5string]

My wife told me she had been sexually abused when young, on more than one occasion. What I chose to do, was allow her to say what she wanted to say and just listen and be understanding. I think you should be able to confide in a loved one. This is stuff I really did not want to hear, because it was not a pleasant subject. Her past made her who she is today. Good or bad. She told me, we talked about it, and that was it. The nice thing is that she feels comfortable in talking to me about nearly anything.

 

[WaterTiger]

Taking note of your age, I'm guessing this happened anywhere from 11 to 20 years ago for this girl. If she recieved therapy for the incident, it might have gotten her head unscewed to where she can have a normal relationship. If she did not recieve therapy for the incident, then you might have issues with her in the future.

Violence adversly effects the mind. Ask any soldier returning from active duty how he sleeps now that he's safe at home.

Violence with women adversly effects the mind AND emotions because so much of how we think is based on emotion rather than logic. Any strong emotion can trigger a flashback.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Actually those girls who mention rape all the time seems to elicit exactly that from guys. Anyone noticed that?

A girl who dresses extremely slutty or who flirts heavily later complain that she was raped. It´s really weird.

Sexually abused girls manifested more sexual behavior problems: masturbating openly and excessively, exposing their genitals, indiscriminately hugging and kissing strange adults and children, and attempting to insert objects into their genitals. Abuse by fathers or stepfathers involving intercourse was associated with particularly marked sexual behavior disturbances. There was a subgroup of sexually abused girls who tended to force sexual activities on siblings and peers.

http://www.journals.elsevierhealth.com/periodicals/jaac/article/PIIS0890856709633475/abstract

 

[jophil28]

Dating an (allegedl) abused girl....hmm.

Firstly, her story may, or may not be true. A woman who has successfully learned to elicit sympathy from men by playing the 'victim card', may invent a a rape story because it works in creating attention and a sympathic connection.
How would any man know whether she was raped or molested ?

There are numerous examples of women reporting 'rape' to the cops just to exact revenge on a man who rejected her. This tactic always carries the risk of exposure of her lie, with a possible charge of making a wrongful complaint.

It is a lot easier, and less risky, for a woman to claim childhood molestation in a convo with a man who is interested in her. How would he know whether her claim is true or contrived ?

Ultimately, I have found that women who CLAIM to be sexually abused have been unstable, flaky, dramatic and willing to be difficult in a variety of ways.

Merely claiming early sexual mistreatment is a red flag to me, especially if she and I are not in a LTR.

The truth of her claim is irrelevant, just making the statement rings a warning bell.

 

[Jitterbug]

Keep in mind also that since feminists have redefined sexual assault and sexual abuse (look it up, it's maddening), what she claims may not be what you think it is.

 

[Colossus]

Sex may be great now but if she hasn't dealt with it thoroughly it will become an issue in the future. Not just her issue, but YOUR issue as well.

Abused women are damaged goods. I don't mean that in a calloused or careless way, but women (or men for that matter) don't just "get over it". It always manifests into relational problems later.

 

[5string]

Colossus, not to say that you are wrong, but here is something to think about. I was basically raped by a gal who was three or four years older than I was in my teens. She thought I was good looking, wanted to be my first and basically forced the situation. I got over it. I do however think it is harder for females. My wife carries her past with her to this day, although she does not bring it up all the time. The way I read her is that this is something that she will never completely come to terms with. She manages/controls her emotions. Is she damaged? I think so. At least to a degree. I would not be honest if I did not admit that.

 

[Colossus]

Colossus, not to say that you are wrong, but here is something to think about. I was basically raped by a gal who was three or four years older than I was in my teens. She thought I was good looking, wanted to be my first and basically forced the situation. I got over it. I do however think it is harder for females. My wife carries her past with her to this day, although she does not bring it up all the time. The way I read her is that this is something that she will never completely come to terms with. She manages/controls her emotions. Is she damaged? I think so. At least to a degree. I would not be honest if I did not admit that.

So we agree then.

I haven't know too many men who were sexually abused, although most men would be less apt to seek help than a woman.

I was in an LTR with a girl who was seriously abused by a past boyfriend. She was deeply damaged. It came up at various points in the relationship, usually with sex. This girl, in 2.5 years, initiated sex ONE time with me, and that's when we were first dating. It did strike me as a bit odd, but I was too much of a chump to discern she would only bring me grief. One thing is for sure---trying to be the White Knight will NOT help her or the relationship. It seemed like any help I offered only pushed her deeper into a hole.

I guess the moral of the story is men should understand that abused women are damaged to some degree; and while you cant really quantify it, you definitely cant fix it; so recognizing this and moving on when appropriate will save a guy a lot of grief.