Critique my essay

[HandyAndy]

Does anyone mind giving me some feedback on my essay? It might be long but I think its a good read.

The iPod, like the cellphone, is invaluable in the every lives of millions of people. We name our iPods, buy cases for them, insure them, spoil them – until they break down. Then we curse at them, throw them, mock them and spread the bad word about them – before buying our next one. And the cycle repeats. I looked up statistics for the popular iPod and heres the information I got. “A survey done in late 2005 by MacInTouch.com, a popular 12-year-old website for Apple users, offers a window onto the type of problems users most frequently encounter. Of nearly 9,000 iPods owned by more than 4,000 respondents, more than 1,400 of the MP3 players had failed. The survey reported a failure rate of 13.7 percent, roughly half battery-related while the other half were hard-drive-related. Other data indicated flash- based Nanos and Shuffles, which operate without hard drives, were less prone to failure.”
Replacing a $150 dollar cellphone is one thing, A $400 60-gig video iPod is another story, yet people mourn the loss of their iPod with another one, like I did. I had a friend who’s iPod malfunctioned, she sent it back and Apple sent her a refurbished one within a week, with the same exact problems, it freezing up at random times and pretending like it doesn’t want to work, until she got frustrated and threw it at the wall, after that it worked fine. Banging it up a little helps sometimes. Despite the frequent failure rates, we both can’t see ourselves without an Apple made MP3 player. I’ve had 3 iPods within 2 years and none of them failed. Ever.

Another issue with MP3 players that I’ve noticed is that it affects peoples attitudes and their concentration at school. I noticed that many people stop talking to their friends when they are listening to their MP3 players and it seems to lower their level of socializing. I walk around school with my headphones any chance I get but I still say whats up to my friends in the hallways. Others do the same to me but I have also noticed that a lot ignore me and their other friends when their listening to their music. I know this first hand, when I listen to my music I’m in my own little zone and nothing can distract me but I still take the time and effort to say hi to a fellow friends whenever I see them. This might also affect their studies, since they might be tempted to play games on their MP3 player or to listen to music while they study or do their work. Some people say that listening to music while you study or do your homework helps you remember or concentrate batter, but I think it depends on the type of music your listening to. I don’t think listening to screaming death metal will help you concentrate on doing your work.
Not only teens listen to iPods, I’ve seen countless adults with them too, hell, my own mother even has an iPod and she listens to it just as much as I listen to mine. I use mine during school, at the gym, and whenever I’m out. My mom uses it when she sleeps, sometimes when she drives too. Could listening to your MP3 player or even the radio affect your driving? Does listening to music while driving put you an other in danger when your behind the wheel? The government in Canada is adopting strict rules that would make it against the law for young drivers to use MP3 players, cellphones and other portable devices while behind the wheel. According to the Canadian Automobile Association President David Flewelling "Restricting the use of electronic devices, such as cell phones, MP3 players and wireless hand-held devices, allows drivers to truly focus on the driving task."

Despite all the bad things people say about iPods, there is a good side to them. I talked to a friend of my brother who is a musician, a college student, and a music lover, he has been an iPod lover since they came out, he has 3 Videos, 3 Shuffles, an old Nano, a new Nano, 2 Touches and one of the original ones. I e-mailed him asking him what he thought about iPods and music in general. Here’s what he told me “This is the thing that really goes deep. I’m being serious when i say this goes way deeper than any electronic should. Not exactly the iPod part, but the music part. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, no matter what they say, likes music! We can all agree and relate to the fact that we love our music. We do disagree on what kind of music, it probably frustrates a person if someone doesn’t like the same kind of music. Well, ever since Apple created the first iPod, the software they had in these devices was more phenomenal than any other Mp3 player and of course its better than Tape and CD players. People don’t love the iPod JUST because it's the name-brand mp3 player. It puts a soul into you're music. When you see the commercials for iPod's, they have those shadow people that have perfect bodies dancing. When viewers, the public, see those people that seem so happy…with an iPod. People look everywhere for happiness, and music always gives it to them. Having happiness in you're pocket to go wherever you do. To have comfort on a playlist. To be able to let the music you relate to, and to let it surround you're soul. And to be able to close you're eyes and be so moved by something you can hear. That is the dream of everyone. iPod's deliver dreams.

I was really surprised at the response he gave me, because I didn’t expect it to be so powerful. There’s plenty of fun things you can do with your iPod, for example, you can: dress it up, listen to it in your car, store photos on the go, find you way in the dark, look at yourself in the mirror (if you manage not to scratch the back, which is pretty much near impossible without a case on it.) keep track of appointments, play movies, listen to podcasts, change the channel on your TV with a certain software, wake up to your iPod and the list goes on and on. There are hundreds of accessories for your iPod, such as: cases, portable speakers, radio transmitters, screen protectors, car mounts, car chargers, remotes and docks, batteries, cables and adapters, voice recorders and much more.

Apple created a device that is unparalleled in size, functionality, design and capability. Everyone who has ever used an iPod knows this for a fact. I havn’t seen such a product that brings this much joy to people. Whether my iPod breaks everytime I get my hands on a new one, none of that changes my opinion that the iPod is the best thing to ever happen to music, it’s such an incredible product and it revolutionized MP3 players and music in every way possible.

 

[labrat]

Well this changes from the usual posts! For a 16 yr old I'd say it's a good enough essay. You separated your ideas clearly, used some nice quotes and examples.

However, it wouldn't hurt to reread it in order to give it a more "formal" side. I don't think you're supposed to swear in an essay (I’ve seen countless adults with them too, hell, my own mother even has an iPod) and I would cut down on the run on sentences (basically all those that take up more than one line.) This is an essay, you have to use a different style that when you're talking to your friends!

Well there you go, that's my 2c Good luck with your essay (and with getting laid ) , post the grade and comments when you get them back :cheer:

 

[HandyAndy]

Thanks man, but this particular essay doesnt have to be formal, teacher said we can write it any way we want, ill fix my run ons and change hell to heck, or maybe take it out, thanks again

 

[labrat]

change hell to heck, or maybe take it out, thanks again

Take it out! Change it to "even my own mother has an iPod..." or something along those lines. And you can very well have an 'unformal' essay without run ons because run ons just make your writing harder to understand and even though you want to say a lot in one sentence it's sometimes better to get it in two or three shorter sentences to make it clearer and make your essay flow better with the reader [see what I mean? ] Basically if you need to catch your breath in the middle of a sentence, then it needs shortening.
I really like your intro though, don't change that!

 

[HandyAndy]

Thanks, but can you point out my run ons, I cant seem to find them lol

 

[labrat]

I really don't have anything else to do than correct an essay from someone I don't even know who lives across the globe from me. Oh well... So here goes:

The iPod, like the cellphone, is invaluable in the every lives of millions of people. We name our iPods, buy cases for them, insure them, spoil them – until they break down. Then we curse at them, throw them, mock them and spread the bad word about them – before buying our next one. And the cycle repeats. I looked up statistics for the popular iPod and heres the information I got. “A survey done in late 2005 by MacInTouch.com, a popular 12-year-old website for Apple users, offers a window onto the type of problems users most frequently encounter. Of nearly 9,000 iPods owned by more than 4,000 respondents, more than 1,400 of the MP3 players had failed. The survey reported a failure rate of 13.7 percent, roughly half battery-related while the other half were hard-drive-related. Other data indicated flash- based Nanos and Shuffles, which operate without hard drives, were less prone to failure.”
Replacing a $150 dollar cellphone is one thing, A $400 60-gig video iPod is another story, yet people mourn the loss of their iPod with another one, like I did. I had a friend who’s iPod malfunctioned, she sent it back and Apple sent her a refurbished one within a week, with the same exact problems, it freezing up at random times and pretending like it doesn’t want to work, until she got frustrated and threw it at the wall, after that it worked fine. Banging it up a little helps sometimes. Despite the frequent failure rates, we both can’t see ourselves without an Apple made MP3 player. I’ve had 3 iPods within 2 years and none of them failed. Ever.

Another issue with MP3 players that I’ve noticed is that it affects peoples attitudes and their concentration at school. I noticed that many people stop talking to their friends when they are listening to their MP3 players and it seems to lower their level of socializing. I walk around school with my headphones any chance I get but I still say whats up to my friends in the hallways. Others do the same to me but I have also noticed that a lot ignore me and their other friends when their listening to their music. I know this first hand, when I listen to my music I’m in my own little zone and nothing can distract me but I still take the time and effort to say hi to a fellow friends whenever I see them. This might also affect their studies, since they might be tempted to play games on their MP3 player or to listen to music while they study or do their work. Some people say that listening to music while you study or do your homework helps you remember or concentrate batter, but I think it depends on the type of music your listening to. I don’t think listening to screaming death metal will help you concentrate on doing your work.
Not only teens listen to iPods, I’ve seen countless adults with them too, hell, my own mother even has an iPod and she listens to it just as much as I listen to mine. I use mine during school, at the gym, and whenever I’m out. My mom uses it when she sleeps, sometimes when she drives too. Could listening to your MP3 player or even the radio affect your driving? Does listening to music while driving put you an other in danger when your behind the wheel? The government in Canada is adopting strict rules that would make it against the law for young drivers to use MP3 players, cellphones and other portable devices while behind the wheel. According to the Canadian Automobile Association President David Flewelling "Restricting the use of electronic devices, such as cell phones, MP3 players and wireless hand-held devices, allows drivers to truly focus on the driving task."

Despite all the bad things people say about iPods, there is a good side to them. I talked to a friend of my brother who is a musician, a college student, and a music lover, he has been an iPod lover since they came out, he has 3 Videos, 3 Shuffles, an old Nano, a new Nano, 2 Touches and one of the original ones. I e-mailed him asking him what he thought about iPods and music in general. Here’s what he told me “This is the thing that really goes deep. I’m being serious when i say this goes way deeper than any electronic should. Not exactly the iPod part, but the music part. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, no matter what they say, likes music! We can all agree and relate to the fact that we love our music. We do disagree on what kind of music, it probably frustrates a person if someone doesn’t like the same kind of music. Well, ever since Apple created the first iPod, the software they had in these devices was more phenomenal than any other Mp3 player and of course its better than Tape and CD players. People don’t love the iPod JUST because it's the name-brand mp3 player. It puts a soul into you're music. When you see the commercials for iPod's, they have those shadow people that have perfect bodies dancing. When viewers, the public, see those people that seem so happy…with an iPod. People look everywhere for happiness, and music always gives it to them. Having happiness in you're pocket to go wherever you do. To have comfort on a playlist. To be able to let the music you relate to, and to let it surround you're soul. And to be able to close you're eyes and be so moved by something you can hear. That is the dream of everyone. iPod's deliver dreams.

I was really surprised at the response he gave me, because I didn’t expect it to be so powerful. There’s plenty of fun things you can do with your iPod, for example, you can: dress it up, listen to it in your car, store photos on the go, find you way in the dark, look at yourself in the mirror (if you manage not to scratch the back, which is pretty much near impossible without a case on it.) keep track of appointments, play movies, listen to podcasts, change the channel on your TV with a certain software, wake up to your iPod and the list goes on and on. There are hundreds of accessories for your iPod, such as: cases, portable speakers, radio transmitters, screen protectors, car mounts, car chargers, remotes and docks, batteries, cables and adapters, voice recorders and much more.

Apple created a device that is unparalleled in size, functionality, design and capability. Everyone who has ever used an iPod knows this for a fact. I havn’t seen such a product that brings this much joy to people. Whether my iPod breaks everytime I get my hands on a new one, none of that changes my opinion that the iPod is the best thing to ever happen to music, it’s such an incredible product and it revolutionized MP3 players and music in every way possible.

Oh, and that quote from the musician? It's missing end quotes, you don't know when the quote ends and when the essay continues. Okay, enough for now! Time to do some constructive stuff for myself! :crackup:

 

[HandyAndy]

Ok thanks a bunch

 

[penkitten]

i found a typo in the first sentence... every lives (needs day in between)

 

[HandyAndy]

^ thanks, i printed another one

 

[labrat]

I just hope for you that your teacher isn't using one of those automatic anti-cheat programs which search the Internet for similar phrases as in your sentence! Or else she/he might find this post and from then on... :crackup:

 

[HandyAndy]

Haha, i didnt even know there was a program like that

 

[Flyer]

when's it due. this may give you more ideas on the topic.

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/7

 

[labrat]

Man... Those TED videos are all so AWESOME! Great stuff to learn from them...

 

[Bible_Belt]

...I had a friend whose iPod malfunctioned, she sent it back and Apple sent her a refurbished one within a week with the same exact problem, freezing up at random times, until she got frustrated and threw it at the wall. After that it worked fine. Banging it up a little helps sometimes. Despite the frequent failure rates, we both can’t see ourselves without an Apple made MP3 player. I’ve had 3 iPods within 2 years and none of them failed.

Another issue with MP3 players that I’ve noticed is that they affect peoples' attitudes and concentration at school. I noticed that many people stop talking to their friends when they are listening to their MP3 players, and it seems to lower their level of socializing. I walk around school with my headphones any chance I get but I still say hello to my friends in the hallways. Others do the same to me but I have also noticed that a lot ignore me and their other friends when their listening to their music. I know this firsthand, when I listen to my music I’m in my own little zone and nothing can distract me, but I still take the time and effort to say hi to a fellow friends whenever I see them. MP3 players might also affect their studies, since they might be tempted to play games or to listen to music while they study. Some people say that listening to music while you study or do your homework helps you remember or concentrate better, but I think it depends on the type of music you're listening to. I don’t think listening to screaming death metal will help you concentrate on doing your work.

Not only teens listen to iPods, I’ve seen countless adults with them, too. Even my mother has an iPod, and she listens to it just as much as I listen to mine. I use mine during school, at the gym, and whenever I’m out. My mom uses it when she sleeps, sometimes when she drives, too. Could listening to your MP3 player or even the radio affect your driving? Does listening to music while driving put you an other in danger when you're behind the wheel? The government in Canada is adopting strict rules that would make it against the law for young drivers to use MP3 players, cellphones and other portable devices while behind the wheel. According to the Canadian Automobile Association President David Flewelling, "Restricting the use of electronic devices, such as cell phones, MP3 players and wireless hand-held devices, allows drivers to truly focus on the driving task."

Despite all the bad things people say about iPods, there is a good side to them. I talked to a friend of my brother who is a musician, a college student, and a music lover. He has been an iPod lover since they came out; he has 3 Videos, 3 Shuffles, an old Nano, a new Nano, 2 Touches and one of the original ones. I e-mailed him asking him what he thought about iPods and music in general. He replied:

This is the thing that really goes deep. I’m being serious when i say this goes way deeper than any electronic should. Not exactly the iPod part, but the music part. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, no matter what they say, likes music! We can all agree and relate to the fact that we love our music. We do disagree on what kind of music, it probably frustrates a person if someone doesn’t like the same kind of music. Well, ever since Apple created the first iPod, the software they had in these devices was more phenomenal than any other Mp3 player and of course it's better than Tape and CD players. People don’t love the iPod JUST because it's the name-brand mp3 player. It puts a soul into your music. When you see the commercials for iPods, they have shadow people that have perfect bodies dancing. Consumers see those people that seem so happy with an iPod. People look everywhere for happiness, and music always gives them a way of having happiness in their pockets, finding comfort in a playlist. To be able to let the music you relate to, and to let it surround your soul. And to be able to close you're eyes and be so moved by something you can hear. That is the dream of everyone. iPod's deliver dreams.

Quote:
I was really surprised at the response he gave me, because I didn’t expect it to be so powerful. There’s plenty of fun things you can do with your iPod, for example, you can: dress it up, listen to it in your car, store photos on the go, find you way in the dark, look at yourself in the mirror (if you manage not to scratch the back, which is nearly impossible without a case on it.) keep track of appointments, play movies, listen to podcasts, change the channel on your TV with a certain software, wake up to your iPod and the list goes on and on. There are hundreds of accessories for your iPod, such as: cases, portable speakers, radio transmitters, screen protectors, car mounts, car chargers, remotes and docks, batteries, cables and adapters, voice recorders and much more.

Apple created a device that is unparalleled in size, functionality, design and capability. Everyone who has ever used an iPod knows this for a fact. I haven’t seen a product that brings this much joy to people. Even if my iPod breaks every time I get my hands on a new one, that does not change my opinion that the iPod is the best thing to ever happen to music. It’s an incredible product, and it revolutionized MP3 players and music.

 

[HandyAndy]

Thanks everyone, and BB for the mistakes

 

[Quiksilver]

Here's a formal MLA format that I follow for all my essays(formal, informal, persuasive, etc) that my history teacher in year 10 taught me. I ace essays(90%+) every time now, even when I don't work on it till the last weekend or even day.

Essay - 3 paragraphs(3 topics)

Introduction
Body 1
Body 2
Body 3
Conclusion

Introduction
-interesting opening line, quote, or fact that captures essence of discussion
-introduce subject
-introduce topic 1
-introduce topic 2
-introduce topic 3
-state thesis

Paragraph 1 (topic 1)
-interesting opening line or fact that captures essence of topic
-state topic
-explain reasoning
-state proof/evidence/quote
-conclusion sentence/statement(sum up what you wrote in paragraph)

*Repeat that for all the body paragraphs

Conclusion
-restate thesis
-concluding sentence/statement for paragraph 1
-concluding sentence/statement for paragraph 2
-concluding sentence/statement for paragraph 3
-conclude subject
-interesting closing statement/quote/fact that makes the reader think. I've gotten in trouble for this before for not backing up a concluding statement, but as long as it's on topic and pertinent, it'll fly.

good stuff.

 

[HandyAndy]

Im going to print this out Quick. This is one of the few essays where Im free to do what I want. Ill write plenty more for this class, thanks for the MLA, I learned it a couple years ago and completely forgot about it.

 

[BMX]

ahh, I remember back in high school we had to submit our assignments to turnitin.com. It checks for plagiarism within their database and I believe outside of it as well. All of the Cal State campuses use the program.

 

[Fluffy]

You shouldnt be referring to yourself in the essay.

Instead of "Ive noticed it affects peoples attitudes" it would be better to find statistical evidence or anectdotal evidence somewhere else.

 

[HandyAndy]

Another thing I forgot to mention is that its an Anecdotal Report, using biographical incidents. In other words, my own experiences. And another thing, what is Prone to Failure translated into one word? I cant think of any. lol