Crippled and not in touch with INNER GAME!!!

[Ragin_Asian]

Ive read heaps of posts relating to DJing and mostly know how to deal with women...Yet it's hard to etch the damn thing in my head...The mindset I'm suppose to adapt to just won't apply (women all want to get to know me, I am the prize etc)...

Everytime I try to snap myself off negativity there is always an antagonistic action in my head telling me that I'm not good enough. That is enough to cripple me into an introverted and hopeless AFC...It's like a split personality and I just can't help it. I just feel down and just wanna shut down. I get my days where I feel like everything I touch turns into gold...And I get my days where everything I touch turns in sh1t...Like when I'm going alright I come up with the creative C&F with any girl. But when I am in my down phase even a 'hi' gets a girl to look at me funny as if a piece of turd just jumped at her. This is real life experience and when I'm down I just exude a very f*cked up aura that turns everyone off.

I've partially read a book called 'Healing the Shame that binds you' by John Bradshaw. It elaborates 'toxic shame' as feeling flawed and defective as a human being. The feeling of worthlessness and shame which is crippling. It is like a very solid belief that NO ONE could ever think that you are worth anything and you do not deserve a good turn in life. I could recite every positive affirmation that works with everyone yet there is a deeper subconscious in me that reinforces that toxic shame. I've tried breaking out of that phase with all the positive thinking possible but the good feelings just last for a little bit then I just plunge down again...

The crippling feeling I get basically manifests my body language into a negative one, I get speechless and I get the feeling of being 'stunned' and freezing...This happens no matter how hard I try changing it...Only as time passes by it kinda gets back to normal until it happens again...

I've greatly suffered from this and my college degree have suffered a lot, relationship with family and friends fragile and with girls...well I don't even want to start on that...This 'toxic shame' feeds insecurity, AFCness, "inner noise", rage and overall shame as a human being.

I know I am not the only one who have come across this. I believe that someone will speak out in the DJ community who is stuck in this phase and on the brink on giving up rather than nurturing their potential to be great DJs.

Any input will be a greatly appreciated. I see the world as my playground with ease yet I feel as if I AM my own enemy and the hardest one to conquer.

Ive got books like "Healing the shame that binds you" and Psycho-Cybernetics" to read to try "heal" myself so I can get on with life...then Ive got "think and grow Rich" straight away as soon as everythings ironed out.

 

[Anaxibios]

Instead of constantly rehashing these feelings, try working on confidence by treating social things like an experiment. It sometimes helps take away the emotional side. Then, if you get any good responses (and you will), keep remembering them.

I just started trying to improve myself as well, and it hasn't changed much yet, but even little things build confidence a great deal. Remember that you can't make a change like this overnight, but tons of guys have done it!

 

[Ragin_Asian]

I have gone through weeks and even months without feeling down but something triggers these toxic shame...Today I just did an exam which was the hardest one Ive done and I blitz the f*ck out of it and was feeling very very confident. Then tonite while celebrating I just got crippled with it and I'm trying to find out what triggers it and why does it do so.

Toxic shame for me is like everything is easy outside me but the concept of inner game is just so damn impossible...which consequently makes easy tasks very hard. It's like convincing George Bush to release Saddam Hussein is easier than convincing yourself to believe that you are the MAN and that you are the prize rather than a worthless turd...No matter how many mountains you have conquered and battles won but in the of the day the hardest battle is with your head. Of course I don't feel like this all the time but when it does happen it kinda f*cks up all the hardwork and experience I've put in to improving my life.

I believe that the concept of toxic shame needs to be addressed and not enough attention has been made to overcome this crippling condition. I think that if this issue is solved half of the shrinks would be out of job...I think they are useless anyways.

 

[Ragin_Asian]

By the way I'll keep on reading "healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw and see what I can add for you guys. If more guys can have helpful input in this and help fellow DJs along the way this could be good DJ bible material which can help cut down self-doubt and shame that is the root of most AFC problems.

 

[JT47319]

Would you rather be competent in driving a motorcycle? or confident?

Outer game (successful outer game) also translates into inner game as you receive validation and the results that you desire.

And not to sound AFC, but sometimes the love of a good woman can really help your inner game. All pick up aside, being in a healthy, long/medium term relationship is good for the mind and body.

 

[Metaphysikal_Lover]

Originally posted by JT47319
Would you rather be competent in driving a motorcycle? or confident?

Outer game (successful outer game) also translates into inner game as you receive validation and the results that you desire.

And not to sound AFC, but sometimes the love of a good woman can really help your inner game. All pick up aside, being in a healthy, long/medium term relationship is good for the mind and body.

Amen!

 

[thecraftylefty]

JT offers some solid advice, but I'd like to offer a little of my own.

It's been quite a while since I've been in your position. Before I found this place I never thought I could be any type of ladykiller like the ones I always saw on TV and in the movies. But now I'm at a place where everything has fallen into place and I'm extremely happy with how my life has turned out. And it's getting better everyday.

When you're starting out with changing your life like this it can be difficult time. But you have to do everything you can do get this part of your life figured out anyway. There's no half a$$ing it. Here's one of my favorite quotes that helped me along the way:

If it's hard to do, then do it.
--Les Brown--

Another thing thing that I think is going on in your head is that you're placing too much importance on how well, and how fast, you're progessing. If you're too busy worrying about what's happening then you're probably not having fun either. There's no pressure. Have fun with it. Fun is good.

Don't even comtemplate giving up like so many others have done. The reward for staying on this path is so much better than any other. Stick with it man.

thecraftylefty

 

[squirrels]

When you approach women...don't worry yourself about what they think of you. In fact, dont' even CONSIDER what they think of you. Women will try to judge you. But for that judgement to stand, you have to ACCEPT that judgement. If you don't ACCEPT the judgement, it falls away harmlessly.

A real man can take constructive criticism and adapt to feedback, but he NEVER accepts judgement from others. Or even from himself. As you succeed or fail in endeavors, you will seek to judge yourself. But you don't have to ACCEPT that judgement.

This is the biggest difference between a great man and a common man. A common man accepts judgement. A great man passes judgement.

But how do you determine your self-worth if you don't accept judgements, both from yourself and from other people?? You don't determine it. You just KNOW it.

A lot of people say they "try to think they're 'the prize' but it still doesn't help." The common response is, "You can't THINK it, you have to KNOW it." And the newbs come back and say, "OK I KNOW I'm the prize, but I'm still not!"

They don't KNOW sh!t.

Knowing is not an action. Knowing is not something you can do. "I'm gonna go over there and KNOW this." It just doesn't work that way. Knowing is a state of mind that abandons all judgement. It's a kind of faith and confidence in something that is immune to one's own judgement AND the judgement of others. When you KNOW you are 'the prize', you won't be ABLE to say, "I'm still not the prize even though I KNOW..." because you KNOW. There IS no doubt.

All of this is a process of maturing. It comes from no longer relying on EXTERNAL sources for your validation and self-assessment, but cutting the umbilical cord, standing on your own two feet, and saying, "This is who I AM. And NO ONE'S judgement can take that from me."

 

[Anaxibios]

Excellent post, squirrels.

I judge you to be right

I am in a similar situation to ragen, but unfortunately i accept it will take a long time.

It is nice to have this website and be able to talk to so many ppl who have made or are making this journey. Us newbies are defintely not alone... which is comforting.

 

[JT47319]

Talking is not doing.

As a wise Jedi master once said, "There is only do or do not. There is no try."

Don't talk about your inner angst, go out and do something.

 

[huge_guy_pimpin]

spiking my hair, in conjunction wit me being huge, has incresed my confidence, and i really didnt think i could get it any higher !

 

[Ragin_Asian]

Thanks lads, some good a$$ advice on here. I really appreciate it

JT - I had someone last year who was close to being "the ONE". I felt like I was on top of the whole damn world. It made me forget the toxic shame thats crippling me. She really did make me happy and high...that was weird though because I didn't even rely on her for that at all. I didnt even thought of it that way...It just kinda fell in place. But pick ups offer little help to me compared to healthy meaningful relationships.

Everyone's input have been great and gave me a boost today...huge_guy_pimpin, you too gave me a lil smile lol

 

[Alpine]

So Ragin. What's your plan of ACTION this weekend. What have you learnt from the thread that you are going to have fun with?

Let us know, then report back on Monday, or are you a complete sissy?

 

[Ragin_Asian]

Well I packed up my room in college cos we finished uni for the year then I am off for my 2 week roadtrip down south of Australia.Woohoo got everything packed, and headed off to the unknown.

...

Unfortunately things didnt go well on the trip, My beast of a car broke down halfway to our destination (700km of 1400km planned) and I had to stay in the car alone overnight while others looked for help. So I am stuck in a town Ive never been in but the family who took us in have been very, very helpful.

Also things with this girl I was suppose to see went downhill without going into things. So I wasnt very impressed.

Yea I always have bad luck when I wanna do things I've never done before. Most of them were all out of my control and can't be helped. So the journey continues...

I'll keep you guys updated once I get things rolling again and when I get hold of the net.

By the way sazuki have you got the book yet?? I've been readin a bit of the book while I was stuck for nearly a day alone out town when my car broke down...AAARGRH I nearly went crazy and got ****ed up bad by the heat.

 

[Ragin_Asian]

Im still stuck out in a ****in bumpkin town because my car broke down and mechanics thought it would be a good idea to sabotage my car to fatten their christmas bonus. I'm seriously contemplating on getting revenge but the only thing on my mind is getting my car fixed and doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

I've been stuck in a hell hole of a town for nearly a week and the people haven't been exactly friendly. I copped a bad incident from a M**da car dealership workshop told me "we don't want to get involved and we appreciate it if you take your car somewhere else", as we came in (me and a mate were both asians...discrimination maybe???). So they refused to work on the car and we are left to sort things out the hard way. By the way I am at least 19 hours drive away from home and running out of funds because of redneck mechanics. I seriously doubt being home for christmas and could lose my car due to legalities workshops use to rip off customers.

Amidst all this rut im stuck in, I met this awesome man who have helped me so much while i'm in trouble. He reminds me of you guys on DJ forum. I could learn a lot from this lad. Most of his wisdom and mindset is similar to the DJ traits. I guess that even though I had one f*cked up trip, I could still come home with a lot of life skill knowledge and have a few laughs about good times.