Crazy situation - don't know what to do

[joker79]

Guys, long story short

1) dated this coworker for 3-4 months, really difficult to escalate sexually as she just got out from a relationship (usual BS), went really good we had sex anyway
2) she's an aw (not extreme) and likes my attention very much
3) no sexual escalation, i got annoyed and behaved like a wuss - situati in recovered slowly and with NC
4) colleague hitting daily on her, sends presents and currently rejected. I Was annoyed and got upset, unfortunately she noticed
5) she kisses, flirts with me but doesn't allow me to make things evolve naturally
6) she's good in giving false hope but seems confused, without a clear idea

The situation is terrible and i'm trying to move on, seems close to BPD. She seems anyway sincerely interested in me but not in a consistent way, it seems that she wants freedom after years of relationshis. I'm aware of point 4 and i'm really pissed off as she rejects but not decisevly (i shouldn't know this info but i do thanks to other people), i'd really like to go to this colleague and tell him to stop or tell her to tell him to stop but am not in the position to do it.

Anyway unfortunately i'm really interested. Atom said somewhere that resolution is the best way but i can' t understand whether she throws only baits or she's interested. I'd like really to confront her on her behaviour (especially regarding the colleague) but it's not a good idea. Anyone sees the light at the end of this tunnel?

 

[Greasy Pig]

Don't confront her, that's exactly the sort of shyt AW thrive on.
Don't confront your co-worker. His chumpish behaviour should be making you look golden.

I'm confused though, you said you had sex with her but then say 'no sexual escalation'.

Anyway, do not feed the AW troll. Just withdraw your attention. If she's genuinely interested, she should come to you, but don't be too eager to stroke her ego until she's stroking your c0ck.

 

[joker79]

Basically to have sex or something close it's really difficult. I did the mistake to push on her for it and since then i can't easily escalate. Making out is really easy but i want more of course. How can i progress in such a situation without giving attention? If i give it she knows she has power but i get positive responses (apart from sex); if i don't i can't create the conditions to sexual excalation. Lose-lose situation? She seems "scared" to commit but i have no evidence of other guys in the background

 

[Greasy Pig]

A woman who really wants to fvck you will find a way to make it happen and she'll make it far easier for you than this chick.
I'd just stay friendly with her but definitely start spinning plates. I'd also recommend flirting with other women in front of her.
If she reacts, she's probably jealous and interested. If she does nothing, then you know she's worthless.

 

[joker79]

Thanks GP. I did, we were at a party and I flirted with other girls and she reacted and spent the evening with me (not the night f***). so I think she's interested but I'm scared to go too fast and to give her back power so I'm in a semi-nocontact phase waiting her to initiate and to show me some effort. The only problem i see is that she's not the person who chases and i'd like to close the situation in some way. probably i need to find more plates to spin

 

[Atom Smasher]

A woman who really wants to fvck you will find a way to make it happen and she'll make it far easier for you than this chick.
I'd just stay friendly with her but definitely start spinning plates. I'd also recommend flirting with other women in front of her.
If she reacts, she's probably jealous and interested. If she does nothing, then you know she's worthless.

Greasy Pig for the win.

I would add that for a man, unresolved issues are pure hell. They tend to own a man. We are hard-wired to define, create form, fix, and dispense with the unuseful.

Unresolved issues are like a car battery that has a short somewhere in its attached circuitry. It is a constant drain until there is no power left. It is far better to acheive resolution than to live in uncertainty. A quick, decisive realization that a girl is not interested is far less painful than a long, drawn out "limbo", only ending in rejection anyway.

Step up to the plate, I say, and ASSUME AUTHORITY. Draw your line in the sand. That line is for YOU, not for her. Define your standard for life and enforce it.

Edit: She knows she has you on a string. Get out your scissors. The ONLY way to train a woman is through throttling your attention. There is no other way. Attention or lack thereof is literally the only tool we have, but it is awesomely powerful as they experience great pain when administered IF they are interested.

 

[joker79]

Thanks GP and Atom, agree. But from the reactions I have seen, she's interested. But it seems like casual dating and casual make-out. What can I do to solve the situation? Saying "what are we" is absolutely a no. I would prefer to drop the Jophil's "I have high standards and clear expectations" but this means that I'll put a lot of pressure on her. I need to solve this limbo: anytime I act with indifference, she notices and doens't talk/initiate anything with me. then I become softer and she's the sweetest and follows me everywhere. But there nothing close to a CLEAR and RELIABLE decision from her.

 

[channingtatum]

I just got out of a similar situation (not a coworker). Unfortunately, my guess is she "likes" you but not enough to have something with you (right now). The first guy with a girl out of an LTR usually ends up being a rebound. I'd suggest ignoring her really (not being a **** to her) and let her resolve any feelings she might have for an ex. She might go for the other dude in your office, but we all know that will probably go no where. She knows she likes you, so space will only draw her towards you or it wont. Pressing will only get you nowhere. It's not escalating because she is not allowing it to, plain and simple. Jealously might make her more interested for a short period of time, but it usually doesn't work for something more meaningful. She doesn't sound BPD, just a typical emotional rollercoaster girl who doesn't know what she wants- not a good place to be at the end of that. Good luck man.

 

[joker79]

Atom is right, unresolved situations are bad for men: I've experienced this in the last 2 months and i didn't get anything out of it apart draining my energy. This girl is so good in pushing and pulling that it drives me crazy, it's really difficult not to show it. I can get immediate attention from her and then she ignores me for days. She answers messages in seconds and then suddenly doesn't reply at all. I think that there's someone in the background, my expectations are clear and loud but she's acting randomly on them, any interested girl wouldn't behave in this way. My only doubt is that she now can justifies her behaviour with "I'm single and I can do whatever I want". I can bet that if I ask "in or out" she'll say out and will come back to check my interest in 2 weeks max. I really need a powerful emotional detachment even if I think that under normal circumstances she would be absolutely a good match for me. I've already targeted two new plates, now going NC, I can't see any other reasonable way to escape this situation.

 

[Zarky]

Yet another thread which proves that one should never get emotionally involved with co-workers.

 

[Atom Smasher]

You see how you say, "under normal circumstances"? These are the normal circumstances. The facts are the facts.

She has low interest and you are allowing it to drive you crazy because you've built up an ideal situation in your imagination that you think could be, if only...

You actually described above that she is conditioning you to give her attention, with little payoff for you. When you withdraw, she withdraws. When you ramp up the attention, she responds somewhat favorably, but not adequately.

The only way I see to handle this is to back off, spin other plates, and if you need to interact with her, do it from a frame of masculine intent. Remember that YOU hold the cards, not her. If she's not adequately interested, you need to make the call to cut bait.