Could someone please make me see things clearly?

[p-mosh]

I started seeing this girl since March. We dated some months then I got LJBF in July. I started no contact, began spinning plates, getting my mind into other things, etc. For around 3-4 months she tried to initiate contact, but I was just cold about that. Eventually I decided to give it another shot and called her.

We hung out and it was great, as if those 4 months of distance had never occurred. She told me 3 things: 1.) Since July things have not been good for her (she's going through some tough things). 2.) She has a boyfriend now (and she told her friends not to let me know), and 3.) She missed me, and she was going to dump her boyfriend (I can tell she just wanted him for the emotional support), hinting that it was for me (and it realy was) [boyfriend is now dumped and there was no drama nor regrets].

We've been dating these past 3 weeks and it's been great (no kiss yet since that's not the way things are usually done where I live - same game, different rules). However, she's still going through this hard stuff in her life, which makes her being depressed quite a lot of time (she's even stayed home on weekends even though she has parties where to go with her friends, for example).

Now, I do want her to be my girlfriend. I do want to ask her what's really going on between us. I tried to give her some time for things to settle-up. However I get mixed signals. On one hand, I know for sure I'm the only guy she's seeing (even though she gets hit quite a lot) and she's been kino'ing me. She even baked me some cookies and gave them to me with a note on a date she planned for me. All the sweet stuff. On the other hand, I get a bit confused since she doesn't initiate contact as much as I would like. She doesn't reply to things that would be cool for me she replied (a couple of emails I sent her, for example). And most important, she's still going through this hard situation that's really wearing her out (she's even seeing a psychologist).

Now, what can I make of all this? I know I can turn her into my girlfriend if I wanted, I could go for the kiss, f*ck or whatever if I wanted. But I want to know that everything I get is for the right reason. Could anyone please hep me figure this out?

 

[jophil28]

Here-

1) She LJBF you to be with another guy who got her more excited at the time.

2) He turned out to be boring or dull or NOt what she anticipated.

3) She wanted to dump him too but needed a branch to swing to first- so she swung back to you . You agreed to be her branch.

4) She knows that you need to be fed the minimum to keep you around so she bakes for you to make you think that she really likes you. (this is her preferred substitute for fukking you)

4a) She maintains a distance from you though depession and emotional upsets .

5) She is scanning the landscape for a 'bigger better deal' behind your back and when she recruits him with sex ,your baked goods will cease.

5a)She will then 'explain' that she is "not ready for a commitment" to you and that her "circumstances" will make her unavailable for a long time to come.

6) She then LJBF's you again while she has the time of her life with the badazz .

7) You continue to post here asking, " what happened- how can I get her back ?"

 

[Jitterbug]

My legs automatically get in RUN AWAY mode whenever I hear that a girl is "depressed".

 

[p-mosh]

1) She LJBF you to be with another guy who got her more excited at the time.

2) He turned out to be boring or dull or NOt what she anticipated.
"

Wow, thanks! #1 is actually true, however different guy from #2. Anyway, that's not important.

Now, regarding the cookies, preparing a date for me, her telling me what she's going through... isn't that investment?

What's your opinion on my next steps? Just walk away? Or should I ask her what's really going on? I had a oneitis for this girl but over I'm getting over it, so I wouldn't mind neither being rejected or walking away or actually getting what I want. I think I'll go with my gut and take this option, unless it's a terrible mistake or someone has a better idea.

Also, I know that if I walk away I will hurt her, specially in a time when she's very vulnerable. I somehow care about her feelings. What would be a good way to handle this situation?

Thanks a lot jophil28!

Jitterbug: I would normally do the same, but in this case I just can't run away. I've known her for a year, even before she went through all these.

 

[horaholic]

Jophil laid it all out for you. Is that the kind of girlfriend you want?

Now, regarding the cookies, preparing a date for me, her telling me what she's going through... isn't that investment?

Not really. Cookies can be baked rather effortlessly. her 'telling you what she's going through' is manipulation. She's got you caring about her feelings, when she didnt care about yours earlier. Dont be captain save-a-ho.

Forget her 'vulnerablilty.' YOU come first. ALWAYS. YOUR feelings are more important than hers. If you want to walk away from her, do it, regardless of her feelings. You know how women care about our feelings? They tell us we're great, and deserve someone better after they dump us for an a$$hole. I suggest you do the same.

Not even a kiss for three weeks, means you are just friends, in my book. Where are you from, where this is acceptable? Also how old are you? Knowing someone for a year aint much. You dont owe her shyt.

Really, you probably should just go find someone else, but if you are going to let her back in your life, she needs to prove herself, and you need to realize how much YOU are worth. You are valuing her feelings over your own, and that is the first thing you need to change here.

Personally, I would tell this chick to shyt or get off the pot right now. She needs to WIN you back, and the quickest way to a mans heart aint through his stomach, its a little further south.

 

[p-mosh]

Not really. Cookies can be baked rather effortlessly. her 'telling you what she's going through' is manipulation. She's got you caring about her feelings, when she didnt care about yours earlier. Dont be captain save-a-ho.

Forget her 'vulnerablilty.' YOU come first. ALWAYS. YOUR feelings are more important than hers. If you want to walk away from her, do it, regardless of her feelings. You know how women care about our feelings? They tell us we're great, and deserve someone better after they dump us for an a$$hole. I suggest you do the same.

Not even a kiss for three weeks, means you are just friends, in my book. Where are you from, where this is acceptable? Also how old are you? Knowing someone for a year aint much. You dont owe her shyt.

Really, you probably should just go find someone else, but if you are going to let her back in your life, she needs to prove herself, and you need to realize how much YOU are worth. You are valuing her feelings over your own, and that is the first thing you need to change here.

Personally, I would tell this chick to shyt or get off the pot right now. She needs to WIN you back, and the quickest way to a mans heart aint through his stomach, its a little further south.

Thanks for your advice horaholic. It's always good to see things from another perspective. Just a few quirks: Those were some really great cookies, and she did put an effort into baking them (doesn't change the outcome though). If I knew you, I'd give you some for you to try and believe me just because of your advice.

Anyway, I never wanted to put her feelings first. If I'm asking for advice it's because I want to do something about me. Yet she's a very nice girl, I value her a lot as a person. If I have to walk away I will, and date other girls (good thing I'm still gaming other girls, just in case), but I would like to stick around, as support, without making a fool out of me, or trying to be a therapist or Cptn. Save-a-Ho. But that's just a big IF things don't turn out as planned.

I'm 22, but I live in an old-fashioned country where most decent girls won't kiss you before you're officially boyfriend/girlfriend, to win her body you must first win her heart. Not all girls are like that though, but a lot are (she is). As I said: same game, different rules.

And I agree with you on the last part, she needs to prove herself. I'm going to go figure this out... maybe she's really not interested, or maybe it's me that's just paranoid (I've been paranoid in the past and then been proved right/wrong afterwards). So we'll see. Thanks a lot!