Converting to a DJ with a Kid.

[Nemic]

I failed on so many levels in the past.

I fell into a LTR at a weak point, just before I started getting many more women. I don't know why I thought "this one is different" or anything but long story short, I got married. We had a Kid, and things started falling apart after that. We're in the process of getting divorced now, and TBH, I'm not that tore up about it. Things are civil, and she is being "fair" for now in relation to my son.

I see my failures and know where I've gone wrong. I was complacent, not spontaneous at all, and things progressed to the point I was just uncaring about her. She was no challenge to me, and I reflected it back at her, ultimately really no longer caring about her beyond "mother of my child". I can't believe how utterly naive I was.

Now I've come back here, the first place that made me dream of lots of women, self betterment, and overall being happy with my life. Now I'm not Unhappy with my life. I have a good social life, hobbies, a supportive family, and a son that always brings a smile to my face.

So My question is aimed at the men out there that have kid(s) and I've searched around some, and can't find any direct answers to a few questions, paired with my answers to them.

1) When do you inform a woman you have a kid?
A: My thought is "when it comes up". I won't bring the subject up, but if I ever bring a woman back to my place, its going to be obvious pretty quick I have a kid. (photos, toys, etc). Which leads me to

2) Do you keep pics of your kids visible at your home? Obviously you can "hide" their toys, but the photos?
A: I am proud to be a parent of my kid. I think keeping the house tidy, but still have the feeling that there *IS* a kid in my life. And if she is terrified or skiddish about it, NEXT!

3) Whats the rule on introducing kids to any woman?
A: I've got nothing. I can easily hide the fact I have a kid until the moment she comes to my house. I think the answer is dependent on the situation. If its just going to be a STR or FB, the answer is maybe never. But for anyone that I'd like to keep around for awhile I don't know.

I don't want to use my kid as a crutch or a tool. Hes my son, and I'll protect him like a father should.

Now I am WELL aware that right now my game is AFC again, and I have some growing to do before I worry about getting chicks, but I don't know how to deal with the kid aspect in the dating game, and I'm using it as an excuse to not start meeting women.

Thanks guys.

 

[countermart]

Usually, if I am interested in a girl I’ll say I have kids in the first convo. If she bails, she bails, best to clear it up without wasting time.

Introducing the children - much later when you know it is worth them meeting her.

Countermart

 

[squirrels]

If you're just looking to f**k, you don't need to mention it at all. (unless you think it'll turn her on somehow)

If you're looking to date some of these women mid-to-long-term, you may as well let them know up-front. Naturally, though...don't blurt out, "Hey I have a kid"...just bring him up in conversation.

 

[Nemic]

Thanks guys, good insight.

So to help me I'm going to log my failures here so I can kick myself until I take action.

I was at the Post office buying stamps. Brunette pulls up in a car while I'm in line for the machine. She comes inside the building. I Tried to make eye contact but she utterly avoided looking up. She proceeded to drop a letter off in the drop box, and then check a post office box. I Didn't approach.

Hindsight should have approached her about the po box, is there a fee, or something, ANYTHING. I had the thought to ask her about it as she was checking it, but AFC kicked in and I chickened out.

 

[Warrior74]

1) When do you inform a woman you have a kid?

2) Do you keep pics of your kids visible at your home? Obviously you can "hide" their toys, but the photos?

3) Whats the rule on introducing kids to any woman?

1. If she ask I tell if not, she'll find out when she finds out.

2. Pics all over. I had one stupid girl who failed to notice and then got surprised when I told her I had a kid. I don't hide anything. I am who I am. As women say, Me and my kid a package deal take it or leave it! LOL. Not for real. But seriously, most men don't have custody, a woman is more concerned with if you still have resources after having a kid (basically is child support breaking you, or if its just an extra bill and doesn't dent your current and future lifestyle). If you are very successful its not a big deal as they only have to deal with a kid every other weekend if you get serious. Which leads to question 3.

3. I don't introduce anyone to my kid. Period. I've been single for 5 years and in that time only one woman has met my child and thats because she was trying to push herself into my life and popped up on the weekend when she knew I had my kid. That didn't win her any points with me or my daughter. Unless I am serious about a woman (like committed LTR that might lead to marriage one day) there is no reason for her to meet my daughter. None. Zero. When I was younger I dated two women with kids at two different times. The first was a woman who would never let me meet her son, I thought it was weird. The second was a woman who's daughter I treated like my own, it hurt like hell when we broke up and she would call me and want me to come to her recitals or come visit. How do you tell a kid no when you break up with her mom? It made me understand why the first girl did what she did. It's not fair to the kids who's lives are already disrupted to disrupt it further. That's my 2 cents.

 

[jophil28]

Hindsight should have approached her about the po box, is there a fee, or something, ANYTHING. I had the thought to ask her about it as she was checking it, but AFC kicked in and I chickened out.

Pay attention - after you have been at this for a while, two things happen and they are interlinked.

Firstly your reluctance to go up and speak to a stranger is reduced to low levels. Using humor is the key- getting her laughing is the best icebreaker.

Secondly, as you do more and more cold approaches, your confidence zooms up. Not every approach works out, and some fall flat and some just turn ugly, but you soldier on regardless.

It is also likely that your 'repertoire' of C&F material will grow and become refined.

Here are a few suggestions and titbits for the next PO Box woman you meet.

You (with a sly grin) ," Excuse me, are you authorised to operate that key and open THAT box?"

You," Lady, one of those boxes is ticking- sure hope it isn't your's. C4 makes a mess .You better let me take a look."

The trick is to learn to create a C&F comment by observing the circumstances in front of you. Practise, refine your banter and be prepared to crash and burn occasionally.

Good hunting.

 

[DJ_Traveler]

I am father of two children and recently divorced and here is my take on your questions:


1) When do you inform a woman you have a kid?
I think it really depends on your goal. One night stand, casual dating, or relationship.
For one night stand it doesn't really matter, and I am proud of my kids so if a woman ask I will tell her.

2)Do you keep pics of your kids visible at your home? Obviously you can "hide" their toys, but the photos?
My home is my sanctuary, so I have nothing to hide.

3) Whats the rule on introducing kids to any woman?

My rule: My children need stability in their lives so I will only introduce a woman if I am in a long term relationship.
I think its best to keep the kids out of the whole dating thing until the woman can prove that she is a good fit for you and good role model around children.

 

[Nemic]

Had my kid all weekend, so I didn't even think about women when I was with my kid.

Warrior & DJ Trav, thanks for those words of wisdom. The thing I enjoy about SS, is while I feel stupid for asking some of these questions, but its very refreshing to get real answers without judgment.

jophil28, thats the one thing I've gota work on, those are *perfect* examples. I'll try to keep them in the back of my head for situations. I've got awhile to go to pull off C&F on the fly, but i'll get the hang of it.

 

[Nemic]

So Had a positive experience last night.

I was supposed to go out to a work function downtown last night, but had a last min issue with the soon-to-be-ex with some kid-duties unexpectedly, so I ended up missing my chance to go downtown, but got to spend some time with my kid. TBH, I really didn't want to hang out with my coworkers since Wednesdays are workout days, so it didn't bother me that it didn't pan out, since I'd rather work out anyways.

Once Kid duties were over with it was around 7pm. I checked with my neighbor to see if we were working out or not, and he was skipping today, his wife had some plans that came up, and we were not going too.

So my last ditch effort was to go play pickup volleyball. Grabbed my vb bag, and headed to the court. I get there and a pickup game is in progress, however I notice a new HB8 playing. Rawr! My type of look. 5'10, Brunette, bubble butt and of course can play ball.

Match ends, and I get on the court, mingle with all the people, since I know almost everyone on the court. while mingling, one of my serious teammates tells me thats the girl he was talking about a few weeks ago. (I completely forgot, He mentioned to me a new (hot) girl that we could pick up for our team)

He informs me he approached her about volleyball earlier in the evening, and then the league coordinator (pushy older fat no bull**** lady whom I will dub CB) walked up to him and said "shes mine, don't even think about it". He wanted no confrontation, and dropped it.

At this point I overhear she is done for the day, and walks off the court, and is packing her stuff up on the sidelines, while an AFC dude I know is chatting her up. I tell my teammate no worries, and with a surge of confidence (I was almost looking for a reason to just avoid her, and just start playing ball since the game was starting) I walk off the court, up to them talking, and soon as she notices me, I shake hands with AFC, generic hows it going, and then I open up to her.

Me: "I heard a rumor you can play ball"
HB: "oh what? Yeah!"
Me: "well I'm putting together a Thursday night team at another location, and I'm in need of some good women" (thinking back shoulda done a wink or something here or C&F)
HB: "Oh, I just moved here from Chicago 2.5 months ago. I played 5 days a week back there, but have not found any leagues here yet."
<I run with new to area, introduce ourselves, find out went to school here, and found a job here, tells me where she works, does etc, and have a full 2 min friendly conversation. She provided me TONS of information to work with, at least two items in every sentence. It was a cinch to chat with her.>

At this point CB walks towards us chatting.
CB: I have dibs on her
Me: (solid eye contact with CB) Dont' worry CB, I'm not recruiting her for your fridays, I'm getting her for thursdays.
CB: I still have dibs on her.
Me: (Put my arm around HB, my hand on her side, and pull her close to me while EC with CB) "shes mine, I already asked her, did you ask her?" (HB reciprocates and leans into my pull, head against my chest)
CB: I Have dibs. (looking at her) He's married you know, and with an infant
Me: I'm divorced. (as CB walks away, I release my hold on HB.) (I think I had a little AFC tension at this moment, but I don't recall exactly, but I think I played it off ok)
HB: Your teammate tried to ask me, and she yelled at him for asking too.
Me: yeah CB is like that. I don't care, she poached a girl from my team years ago.
HB: well I already told her I'll play sundays with her.
Me: Well *YOU* choose where you play, and YOU play with whoever you want. (shoulda said "and that SHOULD be me" with a big grin or wink)
HB: yeah (said like she felt awkward CB was being like that)
Me: Anyways, I'm doing a Thursday team (walk to get my celphone), so give me your number, and I'll txt you for your email and I'll send you the details.
HB: Sure!
<HB enters her name and number in my phone>
Me: I play here every now and then when I don't have kid duties, but i'll keep you in the loop for any events going on around town too.
HB: Sure I'd like that!
Me: Take care! (Walk onto the court and start playing ball)

-----------

She makes eye contact the entire time I converse with her before and after the CB divorce/kid comment, and gives me her # in the end anyways.

This whole interacting put me on a bit of a high. Was very happy I did it, and regardless was stoked I actually stood my ground against CB, and the arm around her thing, wow, I don't even know where that came from. SOO not like my typical AFC self

So now I'm at the point I need to communicate with her the follow up. I think I will txt asking for her email, no fluff txt/email, and once I know she has my #, I'll call her to make an obvious date.

I figure I'll try to get her out twice, and if nothing flys NEXT her for anything but Volleyball.

 

[Nemic]

So I've been kinda not really doing much DJ work, and focused on myself lately with lifting, volleyball, and just getting my life in order & building personal confidence.

Part of it is me avoiding starting anything up until the Divorce is finished, and just having fun with friends. I've been going out and chatting up random women at bars just to get the experience, but not perusing anything. I don't talk to nearly enough women when I'm out still, but I do make friendly conversations if an opportunity arises.

Now back up to VBHB from volleyball few weeks ago. Few days after our encounter I txt her for her email, we exchanged all the info, then she found me on facebook. This is kinda strange cause she knows my name, but not my FB email address, and my profile pic isn't of me at all. So she had to literaly go through all the matches to find the one that had volleyball listed on it.

Anyways accept her next day as a friend, and find out a LOT about her. one key detail being, in a Serious 2 year LTR. So I just NEXT her for all things minus Vball.

So about once a week I'll send a mass txt to all my VB pals where I'm playing and to come join me, I include her in the mass texts. I have yet to meet up with her to play, but I keep her in the loop. This past Monday, I do the same again, this time she replies back.

Her: Which one?
Me: <address of gym>
Her: what time?
me: Sorry, starts at 6 goes till 9ish when they close
her: K
her:
her: Im going through a break up right now so not sure if Ill be in the mood to go out.
her: Pretty Depressed
me: yikes, well some good physical release of energy with friends is always a good pick me up. okay, psudofriends
her: lol

I verified her FB is listed as single, tried to read into the random posts, but didn't see anything insightful on the situation.

So I went out last night to play, and had a blast with my friends. She didn't show up. We decide to go eat/drink after (local mexican place has 2 for 1 margaritas on tuesdays) I am feeling pretty good, and send her a random text.

me: did you stay at home depressed? you could be having margaritas 2 for 1 with us had you come out!
(45 mins later)
her: I went to a movie
her: u still out?
me: yep! Feeling good too.
her: where at?
me: mex restaurant near rec center, but they are closing so we are leaving soon.
her: boooo ok
me: saturday lets goto bigbang downtown!
her: Done and done.

So my gut feeling is he broke up with her, she still has feelings, and is going to try to use me as an emotional pick-me-up. I know I made an impression with our first meeting, and shes interested since I'd make a good fallback guy to her at this point.

So I'm not going to let myself be alone with this chick, so I've organized this outing to be with some other friends as well.

My plan is to have her meet at my place, and get a ride downtown with my neighbors. So if things go well we take a cab back to my place at the end of the evening and she can either go home from there, or stay