Conversational skills lacking

[RichardTheFrog]

This is definitely my main issue that is holding me back from success. 99% of the time that I'm out, I don't even talk. I don't know what to talk about and even if I did, I wouldn't know how to start the conversation. I'm not sure that this is something that this forum can help me with, but I might as well try.

There have been times when I have been sitting at a table of 6-8 people and everyone else is going back and forth, and I'm so quiet and don't know how to enter the conversation that I have actually considered that I have autism/Asperger's. I asked a psychologist about this and he said that I would have known I had these disorders since I was young, so that's not it.

I've asked for advice on this from other sources in the past and have been told "talk about what you're interested in and ask what she is interested in." That makes sense on the surface but it doesn't always play out in the field, plus a lot of times it seems like I'm just begging for a conversation.

I have read every PUA book there is and even in the book "The Mystery Method," there is a whole chapter devoted to "Conversation," and it offers no help. All it says is for you to play the Question Game. That's stupid.

Also, as an interesting note, I used to go on SeekingArrangement.com and I would get 10-15 messages/day and all these conversations would eventually become the same thing. They would ask "what are you looking for?" etc. after asking a series of boring questions.

Also, have you ever had a girl come up to you in a bar? They just say boring **** like "where are you from? Do you come here a lot?" or something like that. So maybe there actually is no answer to this question.

Most communication is non-verbal, but still it is necessary to say SOMETHING or else nothing can progress.

 

[btownbuck2012]

This is definitely my main issue that is holding me back from success. 99% of the time that I'm out, I don't even talk. I don't know what to talk about and even if I did, I wouldn't know how to start the conversation. I'm not sure that this is something that this forum can help me with, but I might as well try.

There have been times when I have been sitting at a table of 6-8 people and everyone else is going back and forth, and I'm so quiet and don't know how to enter the conversation that I have actually considered that I have autism/Asperger's. I asked a psychologist about this and he said that I would have known I had these disorders since I was young, so that's not it.

I've asked for advice on this from other sources in the past and have been told "talk about what you're interested in and ask what she is interested in." That makes sense on the surface but it doesn't always play out in the field, plus a lot of times it seems like I'm just begging for a conversation.

I have read every PUA book there is and even in the book "The Mystery Method," there is a whole chapter devoted to "Conversation," and it offers no help. All it says is for you to play the Question Game. That's stupid.

Also, as an interesting note, I used to go on SeekingArrangement.com and I would get 10-15 messages/day and all these conversations would eventually become the same thing. They would ask "what are you looking for?" etc. after asking a series of boring questions.

Also, have you ever had a girl come up to you in a bar? They just say boring **** like "where are you from? Do you come here a lot?" or something like that. So maybe there actually is no answer to this question.

Most communication is non-verbal, but still it is necessary to say SOMETHING or else nothing can progress.

You're way too much in your head and even though I know you think you're making an effort to get better at this, you're NOT.

You have to get out there and just talk to people. There are no scripts, right words or correct ways to start doing this. You just had to keep talking to people until you become good at it. It's like playing golf or riding a bike.

Also, you're going to make a ton of mistakes on your way to social mastery. This isn't a choice. If you want to get good at communicating with others, you will make a-lot of mistakes early on as you get a handle on this. There is no way around this. You simply have to do it or else you'll be on here a year from now with the same problem.

 

[BeExcellent]

Here's a book, written by a once nerdy female engineer who was terribly socially awkward. I find its a great little book about how to chat.

The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

That makes sense on the surface but it doesn't always play out in the field, plus a lot of times it seems like I'm just begging for a conversation.

Conversation is a skill. You have to practice, just like any other skill. You wouldn't expect to learn how to play basketball by reading a book, would you?

And like every other thing you practice (shooting 100's of free throws, playing chords on the guitar for hours), practice is God Damn Boring.

Don't expect to read a book and suddenly be Mr. Charisma.

Conversation is a collection of many skills, not least including self confidence, body language reading, projecting, etc.

PRACTICE

start slowly and practice every day for 30 minutes, give it as long as you would learning the guitar.

It takes, commitment, effort and work. Not magic "how to" words you read in a book or the internet.