conversation part 1; be receptive

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before conversation be receptive

one of the most important conversational skills doesnt come from our tongue, but from our body.

research has shown that over 70 percent of comunication is nonverbal."body language", as it is called, often communicates our feelings and attitudes before we speak, and it projects our level receptivity to others.

most poor conversationalists dont realise that thier non receptive body language ( closed posture, little eye contact and no smiling) is often the cause of short and unsustained conversation.

we are judged quickly by the first signals we give off, and if the first impressions are not posotive and friendly, its going to be be difficult to maintain a good convo.

the following "softening" techniques can make your first impressions work for you not against you.


S-O-F-T-E-N

a soften is a non verbal gesture that will make people more responsive and receptive to you. since your body language speaks before you do, it is important to project a posotive and friendly image. when you use posotive body language, you are allready sending the signal " ime friendly and willing to communicate, if you are". each letter in S-O-F-T-E-N represents a specific nonverbal technique for encouraging others to talk with you.






s- smile

o- open posture

f- forward lean

t- touch

e- eye contact

n- nod


S= smile
a pleasant smile is a strong indication of a friendly and open attitude and a willingness to comunicate. it is a posotive, non verbal signal sent with the hope that the other person will smile back. when you smile, you demonstrate that you have noticed the other person in a posotive manner. the other person considers it as a comliment and feels good. the result? the other person will usually smile back.

smiling does not mean that you have to put on a phony face or pretend that you are happy all the time. when you see some one who you would like to talk to, then do with a smile and demonstrate that you have an open attitude to conversation.

the face sends out an enormous number of verbal and non verbal messages. if you send out frienly messages then you will get friendly messages back. so when you couple a warm smile with a friendly hello, you`ll be pleasantly surprised by posotive responses. its the easiest way to show some one that youve noticed her in a posotive way.

(tea brake)

back in a mo, just putting the kettle on....

 

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O= open posture

you may not realize this but a closed posture is the cause for many convo problems.
typical closed posture is sitting with your arms or legs crossed and your hand covering you your mouth or chin. also this is often called the thinking pose,

so just ask yourself a question: are you going to interupt some one who appears to be in a deep thought?

not only does this posture give off " stay away" signals to others but it also prevents others from seeing your main signal sender( your mouth ) from being seen by people looking for receptive conversation signals from you.

without the correct receptive signals, another person will most likley avoid you and look for someone who appears to be more open for contact. a closed posture can spell D.O.O.M for a convo in progress.

to over come this habitual way of holding yourself, start by keeping you hands away from your mouth, keep your arms and legs UNcrossed. crossed arms tends to show a defensive frame of mind and not particularly favorable to out side contact. they can also indicate impatience, judgment, displeasure any of witch would discourage people from opening up.

open posture is most effective when you place yourself with in comunicating distance of the other person- that is within about five feet of the other person. take care, however, not to invade a persons space, by getting to close to soon. of course, if the situation calls forward then the closer the better.

so a relaxed open posture send out the clear signals of openness and receptivity. it says " ime available for contact- come over and talk to me!"


F= forward lean

another element of open posture. leaning towarsd slightly while a person is talking to you indicates interest on your part, and shows you are listening to what the other oerson is saying. this is taken as compliment by the other person, and will encourage her to continue talking.

often people will lean back with thier hands over their mouth in the thinking pose, wich gives signals of judgment, skeptisism, and boredom from the listener.
since most people do not feel comfortable being judged this leaning back posture tends to inhibit the speaker in feeling comfortable to talk.

its far better to lean forward slightly in a casual and natural way. by doing this you are saying:" ime interseted in what your saying, keep talking". this usually lets the other person feel that what she is saying is interesting, and encourages her to speak further.

T= touch

in our culture the most appropiate form of fist contact is a warm hand shake. this is true when meeting memberss of the same or opposite sex and not just in business, but in all social situations too.

be the first to offer your hand in greeting. coupled with a friendly hi, a nice smle, your name, then you have made the first step to open the channels of comunication between you and her.

some men dont feel right in offering thier hand to a women first. they would feel stupid if the women didnt shake thire hand. so let me state that it is perfectly accepable for a man to offer a lady his hand in greeting...., and that it would be quite rude for either man or woman to ignore or refuse this friendly gesture.

more personal forms of touch should be used with sensativity and respect to the other persons state of mind and in a comforting and friendly way.

its also important to end your convo with a warm touch,and coupled with a friendly smile it says: " ive enjoyed speaking to you, and would like to get to know you better"

 

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E= eye contact

the strongest of all none verbal messages are sent through the eyes. direct eye contact signals that you are are listening to the other person. and that you want about her her.

couple eye contact with what you allready know and you will send the unmistakable message: " i like talking to you and would like to get to know you better".

eye contact should be natrual and not forced or overdone. it is perfectly okay to have a brief periods of eye contact whlie you observe parts of the other persons face, particularly the mouth. when a person smiles, be sure to smile back. and always make an effort to return your gaze back to eyes as she speaks. it is acceptable and comman to explore the other persons face and not have constant eye contact at all times.

too much eye contact, especially if it is forced, can be counterproductive. if you stare at a person, or leer in a suspiciouse manner , the other person may feel unconfortable and even suspisious of your intentions.
a fixed stare can appear as aggressive behavior if it takes the form of a challenge as to who will look away first. it is not wise to employ eye contact as a power trip, it can be very intimidating
and will usually result in a negative, defensive resonse from the other person.

if you would like to create a posotive (horny actually) state of mind in her oppinion of you, then follow these suggestions,

start of with short periods of eye contact, maybe only a few seconds. look into the pupils of her eyes and smile. then let your gaze wonder over the features of her face, hair, nose, lips! there is a six inch diameter around the eyes that can provide a visual pathway. remember, after a few moments, go back to looking into her pupils, and look back and forth between eyes an lips, eyes and hair, increasing the the length of eye contact each time you return to her eyes as the conversation progresses.

avoiding eye contact can make both of you feel anxious and uncomfortable and can give the impression that you are un interested, dishonest or bored with the convo and company.

so be sure to look into the eyes of those you talk to and send the message:" ime interested in what you say, go on"

N= nod

a nod of the head indicates that you are listening and that you under stand what is being said. it signals that approval and encouragement to speak. an coupled with a friendly smile and a genuine hello, is a gret way of greeting people on the street or anywhere else. like all the other softening gestures it sends the same message:" ime friendly and am willing to have a conversation with you"


so remember this:

when you meet some one new , who you would like to talk to and get to know better, do so with a warm friendly,


S-O-F-T-E-N

 

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[Da_Shogun]

Good Post.

 

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conversing part two

there are 5 basic steps in starting a conversation naturally.

1)risk vs rejection

it takes a cirtain amount of risk to start a conversation with a stranger. most people dont because of the fear of being rejected. of course, this prevents them from reaching out to others. remember that risk taking and rejection are a part of life, and to be overly sensative can be counterproductive. and, anyway, whats so bad about being rejected by someone you dont even know?

CHANGE FROM PASSIVE TO ACTIVE
most people take the passive role when it comes to starting conversations. they wait an wait hoping that someone will just come along and start a conversation with them. even when a more active person does start a conversation they will usually be supprised and wont know what to say.

to get out of this catch 22,simply change from the passive role to the active role. be the first to say hello and take the initiative to start a conversation. start to introduce yourself to people regularly and begin to share you ideas, feeling, oppinions and expeiences. look out for similar thoughts, interests and oppinions within the people you meet. you start to notice more people becoming receptive to you and making new friends!

another advantage of being the first to say hellois that it gives you the control to guide the conversation, and it shows you are open and friendly!

MINIMIZE REJECTION BY LOOKING FOR RECEPTIVITY
the more you start conversing, the more posotive responses you will get. but, of course there are going to be some rejections too. use that as a lesson to plan your next approach different.
the most important way to minimize rejection is to look for receptivity in those you approach. look for an open posture, eye contact and smiles. look for people who are sending out receptive body language, then approach them in a friendly and direct manner. for example, if your at a party and you see some one you would like to dance with, move over, close to them, initiate eye contact, a smile and start to talk. if they dont want to dance, accept that like water of a ducks back and look for someone els. the more people you ask the better you will get at spotting receptivity!

2) ice breaker and follow up ritual quastion

ritual question are short easy to answer request for information. although basically requests for personal information and background, their real purpous is to convey this messege;
"ime interested in getting to know you better"

BREAKING THE ICE- A COMPLIMENT FOLLOWED BY A RITUAL QUESTION.
the easiest way to start a conversation with a stranger is to employ one of the following three techniques.
first notice something posotive about the person you wish to speak with, and in a friendly and sincere manner, offer a compliment about what you have noticed, clothing, doing, saying, quickly follow the compliment up with a ritual question relating to the compliment you just gave. the opening line may be;

"hey i like you ring! what kind of stone is that?" or say "hey man, your a great skater! how did you learn all of those tricks?

a second way to break the ice is to notice somthing that the person is carrying-maybe a book, a musical instrument, or a piece of sporting equipment. after establishing eye contact, smiling ask a ritual question based on the object they are carrying, for example if you see someone with a tennis racket you could say

"hey man, you play tennins, can you recomend a good place to take tennis lessons?" or "do you know where is a good court to play on around here? or"hey, i wanted to buy that racket, is it any good?
or"hey, your a tennis player, iv wanted to start playing, can you recomend a good racket for a beginer?
if you see someone carrying a book you can ask how they like it, if a person has an instrument, you can ask what kind of music they play?
these questions can be applied to anybody or anything, it is a safe and posotive way of showing them you noticed them and breaking the ice and starting a conversation at the same time!

a third way to break the ice is to make a comment based on the situation. this can be anything, "excuse me, ime looking for an appartment, would you know of any where i can rent"?

"excuse me, ime looking for a bite to eat, can you rcomend a good place to eat?"

you can also offer your services if you see somebody that could do with a hand,

"hey, you look a little lost, do you need directions, i live just around the corner!

when you enter a restuarant and your alone, look for another solo diner reading the menu, having a drink, reading the paper, or just gazing of to space. make your effort to be seated next to the person, when she looks in your direction, make eye contact and smile. if they seem receptive then you can lean over" hey, this is my first time here, what do you think of the food? would you recomend anything good to eat here?" when the conversation has started you can ask, "are you waiting for someone?" if she answers no, then say,"would you care to join me, i have a good bottle of wine id be happy yo share?"

many people dine alone qute freaquently, if you approach some one in a friendly and low-pressure way, she may be quite open to your invitation, offer to buy her a drink, that will show her you are interested in having them join you! it is a friendly gesture and does'nt necassarily mean you are buying her dinner.

in addition to opening with comments on what you have observed, it is best to focus on the posotive things rather than complaining about the negative. neg hits dont work very well as an initial icebreaker, you want things to open smoothly!

 

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ha ha ha, you have that book too huh,

yeah its a great book, loads of good advise in there for the people here...

i was going to say its not my writing at the end, theres load more ime going to type up too! my fingers are throbbing right now!