Contact etiquette in an LTR

[Checkmate12]

So the brief background is that I'm about 3 months deep into a relationship with my current girlfriend. Its a great relationship in which we have a lot of fun together, she treats me well, and almost never sh** tests me. We're both busy people and generally only get to hang out a couple nights a week at most. On days that we don't see each other we usually exchange about 5-10 texts and sometimes a phone call. (She is always the one who calls me).

Well I'm trying to keep the spice in our relationship and maintain the attraction so I want to cut down on the contact a bit. My first question is; since we don't see each other very often, is this contact on our "off days" vital to the maintanence of our relationship?

Secondly, is it acceptable for me to ignore a nice text from her (in which she says a couple sweet things and then asks me how my day is going) for say.. half a day? Or should I save this delayed reply/ignoring for times when she sends short crappy texts. The reason I ask is that I don't want the frequency of our contact to allow her to start feeling too comfortable or get bored.

I feel like I probably know the answers to these questions, just wanted some second opinions.

 

[TheException]

So the brief background is that I'm about 3 months deep into a relationship with my current girlfriend. Its a great relationship in which we have a lot of fun together, she treats me well, and almost never sh** tests me.

Incredible isnt it? Despite what some say on this forum...it IS possible to have a fun filled and loving relationship with women. Good job.

Well I'm trying to keep the spice in our relationship and maintain the attraction so I want to cut down on the contact a bit. My first question is; since we don't see each other very often, is this contact on our "off days" vital to the maintanence of our relationship?

Im in a similar boat. I see my girlfriend once during the week and then the weekend. By just naturally being busy, it takes away the opportunity for you to become needy and start trying to hang out with her 24/7. My gf ALWAYS texts me. She will send random texts just to bs...its the way of the woman mate. No ways around it. I just respond to them if I have something to say. I wont force conversations, which is a mistake a lot of guys do. However I dont kill conversations either, because "its beta to text your girlfriend all the time". Everything in balance...

Secondly, is it acceptable for me to ignore a nice text from her (in which she says a couple sweet things and then asks me how my day is going) for say.. half a day? Or should I save this delayed reply/ignoring for times when she sends short crappy texts. The reason I ask is that I don't want the frequency of our contact to allow her to start feeling too comfortable or get bored.

I would not ignore a girl on purpose because you're trying to "keep the spice in the relationship". If i ignore my girlfriend, its not on purpose. Actually BE BUSY. So at work I keep my phone in my bookbag mostly so I will respond to her when I see her text(usually at the end of my shift). She hasnt complained about the delay in my responses yet...but if she ever did, all you have to say is "I was busy at work".

Dont overthink it. Its your girlfriend....your allowed to contact her lol. Just dont turn into the fawning boyfriend who is sending "good morning/good night" texts everyday or always trying to keep conversations going so that you can talk to her all day. Just treat it as is. If there's something to talk about...go for it. Often times its gonna be her b1tching, so just send generic responses or try to make it funny.

 

[JoeMarron]

The only thing you have to remember is make sure she's doing more of the contacting. As a matter of fact apply this to every aspect of the relationship. Its silly to ignore her just because but if you feel like answering a text then go ahead, if not then dont.

 

[Uncharted]

Don't play games just to play games. If you feel like responding, do it.

Just remember not to blow up her phone and call her constantly.

 

[Checkmate12]

I appreciate the responses fellas. I think the reason that I'm even entertaining these questions is because my internal game needs a little fine tuning. I feel maybe I'm slightly pedestalizing her lately and underestimating my own value.

Seems LTR's have a way of doing that. Before her I was so confident that many girls probably wouldve even considered me a bit arrogant, not that I cared. At the end of our first date the girl in question even admitted that she was a bit intimidated by my confidence.

I need to get back to that place and far away from the place that makes me count the hours and minutes between texts.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

As you may know, my general motto is that TEXTING KILLS RELATIONSHIPS, mostly because guys don't really know the proper way to go about texting and do it too much.

As Joe Marron pointed out, it's better for the girl to do most of the contacting via text; the only time you should even consider doing it is when you're setting up a date to see her so you can actually talk to her in person. The more you're initiating text conversations with her, the worse off you'll be because you'll start doing things like she's doing now, i.e. sending you random text for no reason other than because you think you have to do it to keep interest. You don't. But, as the guy in this scenario, by you NOT initiating text, it's making HER have to chase after YOU with them.

To answer your question: when she hits you with a text for the first time that day, wait a minimum of 20 minutes before you respond to her. That will give her just enough time to get the hampsters in her head running about what it is you could possibly be doing that would delay you getting back to her. It's also not a long period of time, so you don't have to feel like you're disrespecting her or "playing games" by keeping her waiting for 20 minutes. (BTW, don't feel bad about this whole "playing games" thing - the game is "keeping her interested," and as long as you're not doing things to purposefully harm her, you're actually doing a GOOD thing.)

Lastly: for future reference (on the off-chance this relationship doesn't work out), you can avoid having a girl get mad at you for not texting her so much by doing what I do: on the very first date, I let them know that I'm not a phone person, that I've been this way since I started talking on the phone with people, and that she'll probably only hear from me when I'm setting up a date. I also tell them I'm very busy, so they shouldn't be offended if I don't get back to them right away. Because I say all this on the first date, it allows me not to have to call/text them unless I'm setting up future dates, and they still end up liking me because... well, I show 'em such a good time on the date that they're DYING to see/hear from me again, so when I DO finally call they're just happy I picked up the phone!

Hope this helps!

 

[Checkmate12]

(BTW, don't feel bad about this whole "playing games" thing - the game is "keeping her interested," and as long as you're not doing things to purposefully harm her, you're actually doing a GOOD thing.)

Awesome stuff Harry! I was hoping you'd chime in, as I've noticed you've been posting some pretty killer advice lately on the boards.

I especially like the part that's quoted ^^.. Many of the guys on here will not admit it, but I think that "playing games" is fine and often quite beneficial.. why else would it be called "game"?

So right now Im working on getting off the phone with her a little quicker when she calls, as I feel Im a bit awkward over the phone. It feels forced cause she'll call at least once a day "just to say hi." Literally, all she basically will have to say is "hi... hows your day going?" haha So then I tend to start rambling about insignificant things to fill in the gaps.

if you feel like answering a text then go ahead, if not then dont.

My new rule of thumb. Simple and easy. I like it.

 

[expos]

Harry, I've been listening to your podcasts at work.

1. The 20 minute rule really does work! I will text, leave my phone on my couch, go do some stuff. They text immediately! The hamster does spin.

2. I waited to text 30 hours after a girl sent me a text that complemented me. You can bet she was wondering why I didn't respond right away.

3. Once I did text her back it was quick, funny, to the point, and I set up our next meet up. Boom, we are hanging out on Monday. Now, I don't plan on texting her at all until she follows up. At this point, I will wait a long time or when I FEEL like writing back if she does indeed text me before Monday.

The funny thing is, this girl hardly knows anything about me. We met up last Friday, did a bunch of Kino, and I asked her a ton of questions without being too nosy. I told her almost zero about my life except where I work and where I went to college. I also told her that I wear the pants in the relationship. I kissed closed this woman.

Mystery / Scarcity works wonders. There are so many beta, desperate guys out there who bomb these chicks with messages and blow themselves up in short order. You gotta be different, you have to act you don't give a CRAP, and they COME to you!